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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my DS real dad and his GF to get lost

71 replies

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 10:22

Ok I'll try and cut this short. My DS is now about to turn 8. His real dad has seen him 3 times. When he was borne the when he was a month old and again when he was 9 month old.
I tried my best to get him to take part in his sons life. I offered to pick him up (he only lives 2 miles away) I told him he could have him on his own or I could be there what ever is easiest for him. But no he never wanted to know. At the time I was 19 he was 26. So he was not young.
I never asked nor never recieved any money from him. As I thought that if he didnt want to be in his DS life then that is his lost and not going to force him.

When my DS was 18 month I met some one new who is now my DH. He is my DS dad. My DS does not know the truth yet because I think he is too young. He is a immature 8 year old but I will tell him when the time is right.

Last night via Facebook I got a message of my ex GF asking if we could be friends and discuss my DS meeting his real dad. I am so angry that after 7 years he all of a sudden has conscience And thinks he has a right to meet him.

I I've told them to get lost and my DS can have that choice when he is older. Also I have seen my ex in the paper for being drunk and disorderly and causing criminal damage. This is not a person I want round my son.

AIBU to tell them to piss off or does he have a right to see him.

Sorry if there is any spelling mistakes I'm angry and have dylslexa so it gets worse when I am like this.
Any way after 7 years of not

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 13/08/2011 12:11

You do need to tell your DS the truth. And your DP should be told that it is not up to him how much contact your XP has in future - legally you are not allowed to refuse contact just because XP hasn't paid maintenance and your DP has no legal input at all.

I do think that it's probably the GF pushing for this contact and it will probably fizzle out - also, if the XP does decide to take you to court you will be able to restrict access to a very minimal amount in the beginning and (if he is a drunk) insist on things like blood tests and being able to refuse contact if he turns up pissed, etc.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 13:58

Just to update I have told my DS who like u all said took it very well asked who is bio dad was and I explained.
I have told him that DH may not have put him in my tummy but has been his dad and always will be.

And he is happy. No tears no tantrums.

OP posts:

WheelsOnTheBike · 13/08/2011 14:32

excellent news, well done to you and your husband - you have obviously raised a well adjusted lad there.

Sandalwood · 13/08/2011 14:34

You've done the right thing by your DS.
Better late than never, and your secret is no longer a threat to him.

CurrySpice · 13/08/2011 14:43

Well done - be prepared for follow up questions when he's had time to digest it and answer them honestly, without any rancour for his bio dad. You have nothing to reproach yourself for so you can answer him honestly (age appropriately obv)

Good luck to you

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 15:35

Wow that was a quick turnaround! A couple of hours ago you weren't planning on telling him for years!

GypsyMoth · 13/08/2011 15:37

Very quick!

Where were the other dc whilst telling him all this?

He may appear fine op, but deep down? What's going on in his little head? Be prepared....and be 'there'

GypsyMoth · 13/08/2011 15:38

11.59 you posted op
13.58 he had been fully informed

GypsyMoth · 13/08/2011 15:39

11.49*

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 15:54

Yes it was the other two was playing in the other room 1 has just turned 3 and the other is 18 month so they will learn when the time is right.

Like I said I was not going to make a big deal to him. He said in his own words his dad is his dad.

I asked him if there is anything more he wants to know but he said no. I know to be returned.

He then went ad give his dad a cuddle in the other room and told him he loved him.

Now all back to normal. Arguing with his siblings and wanting junk food. So I think he might cone through it inscaved

OP posts:

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 15:55

Prepared even not returned (predicted txt)

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 13/08/2011 16:02

You seemed so insistent that you weren't going to tell him. What made you change your mind (I think you did the right thing by the way). Did your DH agree with this or did you just do it?

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 16:05

Discussed it with my husband and due to the message thought that if he turned up then at lest our DS son knew

OP posts:

HairyBeaver · 13/08/2011 16:38

OP what reason did you give your DS to why his dad didnt want to know? Did you give your son his real dads name or what?

Suppose I should bite the bullet too :(

Tyr · 13/08/2011 16:39

If he takes it to court, he will get contact but it will not happen overnight. I don't agree that telling him to take it to court is the route to pursue at this stage. It will, almost inevitably, get nasty and that is not in the child's interests- or anyone else's for that matter.
You need to satisfy yourself that he is genuine and not going to disappear again.
Don't do anything until you have talked it through with your family and husband. Then meet him and see what he has to say. As I said before, you could ask him to write to your son a few times, then phone contact.
If you are satisfied that he is committed, you can arrange for them to meet.

itisnearlysummer · 13/08/2011 16:44

YANBU.

However, I would advocate telling your son sooner rather than later.

We are in a similar situation but DS's son has never had contact, rejected opportunities and 12 years later, we have not spoken again.

My DS also has a dad in my DH but has always known from the start that DH is not his biological father.

I think your DS needs to know that truth so that it doesn't come as a huge shock that unravels his whole life when he is older.

This is not the same as he should know his father, though. Your ex has left this for long enough for it to now become an issue of when you feel it is best for your son - he doesn't get to call the shots. He needs to prove to you that this is not going to be a flash in the pan interest and if he doesn't go along with this, then I think he will have proved that his son is still not his priority.

itisnearlysummer · 13/08/2011 16:48

oh hadn't read all the thread so missed that you have now told him! sorry

He might seem fine now, but that is a lot for a little head to take in and the "but" "what" and "if" questions won't have occurred to him yet.

Just be prepared for them and reassure him that he can speak to you about it at any time and ask whatever questions he has.

FWIW, my DS told me once that he didn't want to mention his 'father' in front of his 'dad' in case his dad didn't know and it upset him. Obviously this wasn't the situation and his dad has also told him he can ask about his father whenever he wants, but that's just the way children think. Treat him gently! and good luck.

Original poster

heathermumof3 · 13/08/2011 17:05

I told him his name as he asked and have told him that if he wants to ask questions he can.

I know there is a lot more questions to come. At the minute he is more interested in his new film.

I told him that his bio dad did not want to be a daddy just yet. So this then leaves it open for if he does ever become part of his life.

I have not had another message so I will leave it to to XP to see if he wants to Persue getting in contact. If he really wants to be part of his sons life then he will try.

OP posts:

itisnearlysummer · 13/08/2011 17:27

He will and let him do the running too. I hope it all goes well for you all.

BeBe98 · 13/08/2011 21:46

OP - first of all let me say YANBU in not wanting this man to have any contact with your DS. I am in a similar position to you except I am single and my DDs biological father has never met her (left me when I was pregnant) and continues to want nothing to do with her, which suits me. My DD has always known the situation, I can't remember ever telling her but she grew up knowing daddy didn't want to have a baby but mummy did. I explained it was not about her, as he has never met her and she accepted this and is thankfully very secure with it. We talk about her father from time to time and she currently has no desire to see him either, which I am thankful for. My DD is 13.

However, I believe that as difficult as it is, you should not stand in the way of your DS seeing his biological father. Legally the courts are likely to award your ex access but for me this is almost irrelevant. What is more important is that you will always be able to say to your DS that you never stood in the way of his biological father seeing him which up until this point, you haven't and indeed appear to have encouraged contact when he was younger. By not allowing him access now, you are giving your ex the ability to say "I wanted to see you but your DM wouldn't let me" and along with it the power to use it to interfere in your relationship with your DS, particularly in the difficult teenage years ahead!

I'm not saying for one minute that it wouldn't absolutely break my heart if my DD's father turned up and declared that he wanted a relationship with her and she decided all was forgiven and forgotten and he waltzed back in to our lives. Or that I wouldn't be running the risk of him waltzing back out again and breaking her heart. However, I am her mum, I have always been there and will always be there and I will not allow some deadbeat dad to interfere with my relationship with my DD and by saying he can't see her, I am giving him that power.

What I would say is that it has absolutely nothing to do with his GF! The only person you should enter into any conversation with is your DSs father and until he contacts you, he has not requested to see his DS.

I don't envy your position right now and your poor DH must be finding it really tough! No judgey pants - just my thoughts on a difficult situation and I wish you luck whatever you decide to do

pigletmania · 13/08/2011 21:58

I agree with a lot of people on here, you will have to be open and honest with your ds, he will find out eventually. Yes ignore the GF, she probably wants to play happy families, sounds a bit like my brother, he is rubbish with presents, he has met a new lovely girlfriend, and dd gets lovely Birthday and Christmas presents, definitely not his doing. If he does want contact, he can go through the legal way, after all he made a decision to bugger off out of your ds life, he cannot waltz back in when he wants. Its takes more than being a sperm donor to be a father.

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