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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH's female friend (ex fu*k buddy) to babysit?

97 replies

Ihatetidying · 12/08/2011 16:43

I'm 26 weeks pregnant, and I'm trying to think of who can babysit our DD (13 months) when the time to go into hospital comes.

Of course I want my mum, but DH disagrees. My folks are in their late 60's, but that's not the problem - dad smokes like mad, and the whole house reeks of it! He does refrain for a couple of hours if he knows I'm going, but the house still smells, and depending on circumstances we may not have time to forewarn them anyway. They also have two dogs, which aren't the best behaved, and my mum can be forgetful to shut the dogs out. My sister also looks after dogs, and regularly brings them to my mum's house - and lets them loose - and they're 'unknown' dogs, meaning I don't think that you can safely say how they'll react... finally the house is quite dirty :(

Ideally, mum would come here, better for DD, as her toys are here, and she's OK when mum looks after her here (also ideal if in labour at night, as her cot is here). DD cries and clings to me at my parent's, so she'd be unhappy. Only problem is my mum feels more comfortable in her own home, and dislikes being away.

Wouldn't ask my sister - she kinda ignores her own son, and he's a brat when he comes here - breaking DD's toys, and trying to pinch her (he's 10), and his mum is oblivious! Also , she'd want DD at her house - with her menagerie of animals!

So, DH has talked to his 'friend'. This is a woman he used to sleep with, before he met me, and she fell in love with him (I wrote a thread under a different name about finding her in our home recently & her being nasty about my appearance). He thinks she'd be a good person to look after DD - but I disagree, and can't think of anything worse than a spurned woman, coming into my home whilst I'm elsewhere & incapcitated, and playing 'mum' with my DD, and probably overstepping her mark, and cooking for DH too (and in general being 'helpful' - which she is like & totally WRONG!). DH is capable of cooking (he does for me now) and looking after DD while I'm in hospital, but I worry if he asks her to sit for DD, whilst baby is being born, that she'll ingratitate herself & help in other ways - besides I DON'T WANT HER HERE - SO DH COMES HOME TO HER, TALKING ABOUT OUR NEWBORN!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/08/2011 17:40

SU , OP might find it a little difficult to maintain the "upper hand" in this situation, since she is pg, has mental health issues, is desperate to hang on to this fuckwit (God knows why) and hasn't managed to assert herself in any way at all so far

damage limitation requierd here....get rid of the emotionally-abusive tosser, that will solve all her problems

are you one of those people who thinks women should hang onto a man at any cost, employing mind games to so so ?

AnyFucker · 13/08/2011 17:41

do so

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 17:59

What af said!

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 17:59

What af said!

slightlyunbalanced · 13/08/2011 18:31

No and it doesn't say anything about the MH probs in the Op does it?

I haven't read the other thread.

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 18:53

SU, you should read the other thread. It makes the reality of the situation much, much clearer. Previous threads aren't always relevant, but in this case shows just how twisted the dh is.

slightlyunbalanced · 13/08/2011 19:02

Ok - so I now know what a ball stretcher is.

I think (as usual) some posters have gone a bit OTT about this guy. He does sound like a bit of a knob but the OP has no solid proof he is actually shagging this woman. I would still befriend her because she is not exactly backing off is she?

I would ask her outright what her intentions are towards him.

Op your OH does sound like a bit of an insensitive twunt at best.

YANBU not wanting her around him and your DD while you are in hospital giving birth to his child but you have to question yourself and your relationship - you should be able to trust him with anyone.

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 19:10

SU, I usually avoid relationships because of the cries of "leave him" over a dripping tea bag. But he has stopped her seeing friends. He has disregarded her wishes about the care of their child. He crashed her psych meeting. He uses her MH against her. He behaves inappropriately with another woman. He tries to convince the op that she is being irrational. He plays both women off against each other. And god knows what else.

Taking that into consideration, I think the evaluation that he is a controlling manipulative, abusive shit who the op will hopefully kick out and leave him to get herpes is pretty fair.

slightlyunbalanced · 13/08/2011 19:12

When did he do all those things?

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 19:14

Its in the first thread and some on this one.

slightlyunbalanced · 13/08/2011 19:20

I may be a bit dim but I cannot see in either of those two threads anything about her MH, crashing her meetings with her psych, or stopping her see her friends

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 19:25

yrafromoxford ?

Sun 17-Jul-11 18:43:06

DH insists on coming to the psychiatrist with me - he insists saying how much my 'illness' is affecting our homelife & how lucky it is that he's here as otherwise DD would be in danger ?

I was particularly ill at christmas - that was when the whole lot got too much - I should have started on meds, but was breastfeeding, and had awful postnatal anxiety. Him going on holiday (a month before) made it worse, then his son came to stay, and I had to go to bed at the same time as DD, and everything exploded, I've not got angry since then, giving him no reason to 'tell on me'. He actually videoed me when I got angry, so if I left he could show people how made & dangerous I was, so since then I've kept my mouth shut

I'm on my phone so c&p is tough, but here's the psych. I'm sure that someone on a pc will c&p the rest.

slightlyunbalanced · 13/08/2011 19:29

This is a 3rd thread.....

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/08/2011 19:36

I'd rather have my kids stay in a smokers' house than have this woman to stay. I agree, it is completely possible to be friends with exes, but this is obviously not that kind of situation.

But if you really don't want your DD to stay there, your other options appear to be asking your mum to stay (explain why you need this) or finding another friend to help out. Is there another friend you'd be OK with asking?

CurrySpice · 13/08/2011 19:38

OP: "my mum feels more comfortable in her own home, and dislikes being away."

I think, just this once, and being as it's a very rare occurance and being as her won daughter is in labour and genuinely needs her help, she could get over this and come to yours. HTH

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 19:44

Is there another thread? My previous post was c&pd from the thread linked to earlier.

Here's another An ex of mine (well more a man who chased me, I didn't fancy him) contaced me recently. DH went mad & told him to back off - I wonder how he'd feel if he came in to find him here - & I never even slept with the chap. from the same thread. He has lied to his family saying the op is violent etc...

Op, sorry if it seems like I'm hounding you, its just that posters need to know that its more than some floozy trying to take your man.

I once had a fuck buddy. He told me he loved me but didn't want to move too fast because he wouldve had to marry me but wasn't ready. He hated it when I had a boyfriend, and was insanely jealous. Spent all his time trying to make me jealous too. He would snog other women in front of me, then call in the middle of the night because he missed me. When he found a proper girlfriend we didn't hit it off, as far as I was concerned, she was the tart who stole him from me. Then I woke up. When he talked to me about their problems and how difficult she was (she has mh issues too, as do I) I realised how poisonous he was and stopped seeing him.

natandjacob · 13/08/2011 19:51

oh OP, my heart goes out to you. read your original post and this man is a nightmare, he's making you crazy! i've been in a relationship full of lies before, it made me go mad. like seriously mad, i was all over the place shouting and screaming one minute and crying hysterically the next. even tried to kill myself and self harmed an awful lot because of him. this man sounds exactly the same.

get out while you can. i know it seems like the hardest thing in the world to do but once you're out you'll be able to think soooo much more clearly. big love

CurrySpice · 13/08/2011 20:01

Having read your last thread I think you should tell you rmother and she will be round like a shot :(

pigletmania · 13/08/2011 20:05

"DH insists on coming to the psychiatrist with me - he insists saying how much my 'illness' is affecting our homelife & how lucky it is that he's here as otherwise DD would be in danger "

(quoted from op in the other thread)

I have trawlled through the other thread and I am . Reading this has made my blood run cold. OP the man is dangerous, you have to get away from him He is manipulative and controlling, as well as a complete sicko, you don't need to subject your children and yourself to this. He is manipulating the very people who are supposed to help you, and they are falling for his lies.

pigletmania · 13/08/2011 20:05

The op does not need to hang onto him, she needs to run fast for the hills

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/08/2011 08:47

Good God! This man sounds awful! And I haven't even read it all!

biddysmama · 17/08/2011 11:21

the husband sounds controlling!

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