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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH's female friend (ex fu*k buddy) to babysit?

97 replies

Ihatetidying · 12/08/2011 16:43

I'm 26 weeks pregnant, and I'm trying to think of who can babysit our DD (13 months) when the time to go into hospital comes.

Of course I want my mum, but DH disagrees. My folks are in their late 60's, but that's not the problem - dad smokes like mad, and the whole house reeks of it! He does refrain for a couple of hours if he knows I'm going, but the house still smells, and depending on circumstances we may not have time to forewarn them anyway. They also have two dogs, which aren't the best behaved, and my mum can be forgetful to shut the dogs out. My sister also looks after dogs, and regularly brings them to my mum's house - and lets them loose - and they're 'unknown' dogs, meaning I don't think that you can safely say how they'll react... finally the house is quite dirty :(

Ideally, mum would come here, better for DD, as her toys are here, and she's OK when mum looks after her here (also ideal if in labour at night, as her cot is here). DD cries and clings to me at my parent's, so she'd be unhappy. Only problem is my mum feels more comfortable in her own home, and dislikes being away.

Wouldn't ask my sister - she kinda ignores her own son, and he's a brat when he comes here - breaking DD's toys, and trying to pinch her (he's 10), and his mum is oblivious! Also , she'd want DD at her house - with her menagerie of animals!

So, DH has talked to his 'friend'. This is a woman he used to sleep with, before he met me, and she fell in love with him (I wrote a thread under a different name about finding her in our home recently & her being nasty about my appearance). He thinks she'd be a good person to look after DD - but I disagree, and can't think of anything worse than a spurned woman, coming into my home whilst I'm elsewhere & incapcitated, and playing 'mum' with my DD, and probably overstepping her mark, and cooking for DH too (and in general being 'helpful' - which she is like & totally WRONG!). DH is capable of cooking (he does for me now) and looking after DD while I'm in hospital, but I worry if he asks her to sit for DD, whilst baby is being born, that she'll ingratitate herself & help in other ways - besides I DON'T WANT HER HERE - SO DH COMES HOME TO HER, TALKING ABOUT OUR NEWBORN!

OP posts:

SaffronCake · 12/08/2011 22:19

YANBU

A woman who has shagged your man is now going to cosy up to your kids? Over my dead body would I allow that! I'd go back to Mum and say "Mum, I'm desperate, if you can't come to my house he's going to draft in this other woman, who I think he's having an affair with anyway, and who makes no secret of hating me. You simply must babysit at mine, please, I would never rest if I was worrying about the dogs and the smoke if you babysat at home".

SaffronCake · 12/08/2011 22:36

Fuuuuuuck, I just read the other thread.

He's one nasty, nasty piece of work OP.

FabbyChic · 12/08/2011 22:39

He doesnt want you to have male friends because he knows what he does with his female friends. Those who do protest too much do so because they do it themselves and know how easy it is.

I wouldn't trust your DH let alone this woman. Let him stay home with your DD and have your mother at the birth.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2011 00:09

Some women just won't listen, will they

OP, I mean you not this stupid bint who "wants to steal your maaaaan"

Listen to your instincts, listen to MN

Your partner is the worst fucking skank in the world

when you accept that, you and this poor other woman can shake hands and leave him to it

unfortunately, there will be a long line of other naive women who will fall for the sweet talk and think that a bloke like this is some sort of good thing

he ain't

and unless you want to be fending off the "attentions" of said deluded brainless women forever, then you will tell him to fuck off

but you won't

because you "love him" and will carry on having his babies, I expect

< sigh >

emmam25 · 13/08/2011 00:57

So sorry OP but having looked at your previous thread and this one, I'm inclined to agree that this is far more the fault of your partner than the OW. IMO he is being unfaithful, even if if he isn't doing anything physical with this women, just by breaking his promise not to see her alone.

My heart goes out to you as it is a difficult situation but wise up and do whats best for you and your LO... that's definitely NOT letting him carry on!

iscream · 13/08/2011 04:39

No way in hell!
Is your dh insane?
Talk to your mum, ask if she will stay at your place. At least your dh can't send your dd to your mums and have the ow at your place "helping out" the poor helpless male.

iscream · 13/08/2011 04:40

Where is this other thread about the OW please?

iscream · 13/08/2011 04:42

Never mind, I just saw the link up above. :) About to read it.

iscream · 13/08/2011 05:25

Op, I just read the other thread.

Tell me, do you really think that your marriage is normal? And that your husband treats you with respect and love?

It seems pretty obvious that this woman holds some power over him.

If my husband did all the things I read about yours, the only way I would not ask him to leave (well, I actually would end the marriage when he continued to see her against your wishes, but hypothetically...) be if called her in front of you, with no warning to her, and told her he her was ending their relationship, as he couldn't be friends with her and continue his marriage. No meeting to discuss it, he made his decision. Then to block her on his facebook page and block her phone number.

Although, he could very easily make a new facebook page etc. so not sure how effective it would be if he is determined to continue with her.

ZZZenAgain · 13/08/2011 06:14

no way at all, absolutely no way. How ridiculous. Why would she even want to babysit for you?

Your parents' home doesn't sound ideal with the dogs coming and going and the heavy smoking but they brought up you and your sister so presumably they are not total numpties and have some idea of how to look after a baby. I would definitely have them babysit before some woman who you don't even like and with the past history etc.

pigletmania · 13/08/2011 09:21

Its definitely your H that is the problem here. what does he think that you are some kind of mug. He is taking the piss from you he really is, does not sound that he loves or respect you, or he would not have this woman in his life at all.

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 11:15

I agree with AF, he has a hold over you (its not that she has some kind of charmed vagina, she is not the problem. Just a symptom) he wants to keep you in a state of constant doubt. He has ground you down so you rely on him and you are terrified of him leaving you. You are scared that some other woman will stea him away, and your whole world will come crashing down. He has used your MH against you, damaged your sense of self-worth and got you blaming other people fort his behaviour. You aren't allowed to see your own friends, your parents aren't allowed to help out while you are in labour... He has isolated you, no wonder you are scared of him being stolen. But a decent man wouldn't be able to be stolen. Wopuldnt treat you like this. Imo the ow is behaving like a girlfriend confronted with a rival. Why does she feel like that? Could it be that he is playing the same games with her?

Please, get away from this poisonous turd of a man and leave them to their little games.

NestaFiesta · 13/08/2011 12:52

What lissie said. It's time the scales fell from your eyes OP. You have my total sympathy, but you need to protect yourself and leave so you can be a good role model for your growing children, not the doormat they will see if you stay.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 13/08/2011 14:54

YANBU. I would never allow that to happen either.

Having read your other thread I think you've been blindsided by your (understandable) hatred of this foul woman so much that you're not seeing how utterly hateful your NotSoDH is being. He must realise how horrible this "friend" of his is towards you and is still close to her. He shouldn't be letting her over the threshold of your home, let alone wanting to leave your child with her!

No idea if they are actually shagging but if they are, honestly this bitch would be doing you a massive favour by taking him off your hands. I don't know you and I know you deserve better than this.

Please talk to your mum and get her to come to you to take care of your DD or be with you while you have the baby. It would distress you so much I'm sure if you knew that some lay of your husband's was taking care of her while you are giving birth. You don't need the added upset. Take care OP.

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 15:14

We don't actually know anything about the OW though. Just what the op has told us and all of that is twisted by her dh's actions. Yes, she has behaved badly, but if the dh has treated her half as badly as he has the op (and the op has only his word that they were fuck buddies and not in a relationship) and its presumably been going on even longer than it has for the op. She's almost certainly been abused just as badly (maybe even worse) as the op. Eg, he knew she loved him, why not let her go? God, if this mans the "prize" I'd rather come last.

Op, please come back.

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 15:14

Op, please come back.

SuePurblybilt · 13/08/2011 15:19

This (and the other thread) is one of the saddest things I have read on MN.

OP, do take the advice and leave. It can be done, as lots of us will confirm, and you can start your new life with your children.

slightlyunbalanced · 13/08/2011 16:08

YANBU but - you need to make friends with this woman.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2011 16:20

OMFG, having read your other thread OP, this woman is the least of your problems. Please get this man out of your life. He is using your MH issues to manipulate you and, basically, fuck with your head. (As presumably, he has with hers, hence her inappropriate behaviour.)

Get him out of your life and out of your psychiatrist appointments. And WTF are they doing letting him being there anyway?

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2011 16:21

slightlyunbalanced - why does OP need to make friends with this woman?

itisnearlysummer · 13/08/2011 16:31

OP, I've had a quick skim of the other thread. I agree it is your DH who is the problem.

He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant individual.

I think you might need to have a good chat about this situation with someone close to you whose advice and opinion you can trust.

Good luck with your baby.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 13/08/2011 16:36

Eh? Make friends with this woman? Are you out of your fucking mind?????

LissieLou has a point- God knows what this bloke tells the OW about the OP. I hope both women tell him to sling his hook. Somehow I doubt that'll happen (not til he's done some more serious damage to their self esteem first) and he will continue being the prize cock in the middle of 2 women who should be joining forces in getting him out of their lives.

slightlyunbalanced · 13/08/2011 16:42

I would make friends with any women who was threatening my family/was after my man and who I couldn't dump out.

Keep your enemies close and always have the upper hand.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 13/08/2011 16:49

True there is sense in that, I've done it myself. Harder than I thought it would be. However, the only reason the OP should be friends with this woman is so they can join forces and get rid of her nasty husband.

OracleInaCoracle · 13/08/2011 16:55

I would make friends with any women who was threatening my family/was after my man and who I couldn't dump out.

Can we stop blanming the ow and labelling her as some sort of homewrecking bunny boiler. She is as much of a victim of this turds ego as the op.

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