Would you do this, or am I a mug?

[bananapirate]

DH is going sailing tomorrow, they go tonight. He's forgotten his sunglasses. they are prescription ones.
He wants me to take them to him.
So I have to go to the station and get on a train for 20 minutes.

thoughts?

hangover handover..

You are taking the glasses - seriously?!

And then you say that you can't figure out how to change it??

I apologise if I sound harsh, but seriously, put those two sentences together.

Don't take the glasses, for as you no doubt pointed out last night, your time is as important as his.

Don't courier the glasses, for as he no doubt pointed out last night, less money needs to be wasted.

Above all, don't courier OR take the glasses because you are unhappy, you want your life to change, and you need to SHOW him that you WILL NO LONGER TAKE him treating you like shit, non-apologising (note: 'I'm sorry you were angry' is NOT an apology just because the sentence has the word sorry in it), and then buttering you up in order to SHUT YOU UP (and get you to carry on doing Just What He Wants).

How do you start to change it? - you say fuck the glasses. That's what you do. It's called standing up for yourself. Stop justifying giving in to him, and say fuck the glasses. NOTHING will change until you take this approach.

I'd do it for my DH, dont think I'd do it for your DH!

Have you responded to the text yet? Can you pretend you didnt receive it and wait till he calls you and asks you properly and nicely? or if you are feeling a bit nicer than to just completely ignore it perhaps send him a message saying 'I got a blank text off you, please can you call if you want to chat! PS Hope it wasnt a demand after our chat last night about you taking me for granted! ;)
and see if he bucks up his ideas and asks really nicely, showing a bit of respect and gratitude... THEN I'd take the glasses

Shouty, she has to live with this bugger and how's that going to be if she's been petty about taking him the glasses?

OP, have you taken them or not? Surely he's out at sea by now!

i think shouty hamster is right. Things don't change if you continue to act the way you've always done. The OP can argue with her dh til the cows come home, but actions speak louder than words.

So, just given him the glasses. He was very grateful. Asked me was I grumpy with him, I just shrugged, said "have fun"
Don't think it was the right time or place to make a fuss.
His colleagues were 5 metres away.

There is soooo much more to this, and I don't feel like I am at his beck and call, I just do things for him, like anyone would for their partner. Sort his dry cleaning, sorted all his paperwork which was all over the house, re-sorted his wardrobe cos I knew it was getting in his nerves.
The problem last night was because I hadn't done something, his way.
He started to write a complaint letter to BA, and he hinted at me to finish it. I didn't as I couldn't even remember what we were complaining about.
The other thing was that I hadn't organised a babysitter for a family night out in a months time, truth is I have no clue who will babysit as all the family will be at the party.
He almost said, "I'm the only one working here"

He was tired and stressed, and took it out on me. He has sailing, a boys night out on sat. He met up with friend on wed night.
Nights out with clients, organising nights out for next week.
Then he panics about money as he is on a business trip next week.
Well maybe you shouldn't have paid for a flight to NZ for the rugby world cup final then

I do nothing

ImperialBlether. Yes that's always a recipe for success, taking crap in ordervto keep hubby sweet. Doormats always rule because they have the moral high ground diont they?
I'm with those who would do it for their DH not for this guy. Basically I would put myself out for anyone who doesn't act all entitled like.

Xpost..

Lol yes you're his pa.
It's not normal,.

this is how you are being taken for a ride by yr DH link courtesy of SGB

If he's panicking about money, perhaps he should cut down on the boys nights out and the sailing.

If you are looking after dc and the house, then your contribution is as valuable as any financial one, because without it, he wouldn't be able to do what he does. His life would look a lot different if he had to leave work earlier to collect kids from a childminder or was unable to pursue any of his hobbies because you were out at work and he had to look after the children.

He sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. I really think he won't appreciate you all the time you do lots of things for him. He is now taking that as his right and entitlement rather than appreciating it as a loving gesture.

Remember your job is to look after the dc while he works. When he is at home it should be 50/50. He's getting away with not pulling his weight and treating you like his skivvy.

well, money is a completely different story
he earns a lot of money, he works very hard. too hard, but he's a perfectionist, always the first in, last out of an evening.
But, God he lets me know it. Always going on about how many hours he has worked. And how hard done by he is.

he definitely sees the money as his. and he can do what he wants with it.
he transfers funds into the joint account, which is just about enough. But he forgets about kids clothes, shoes, swimming lessons. All the extras.

I did go back to work, 6 month contract, and I felt like the pressure was off then. I think he just thinks it's really unfair that I have all this "free time". I have been actively looking for another job, had a few interviews.
Ds just does 3 days at nursery now, and the plan was that i would go to the gym, get healthy, fit, lose some weight, looking at IVF. which I have.

i understand that he is stressed, tired, overworked, but it's not my fault.
And he shouldn't take it out on me

I would do it, if asked. But with three DC, my DH wouldnt ask me.

Sorry, see thread had moved on now!

IzzyWhizzy, thanks for your very sensible advice

Now you've been more than reasonable in accomodating his request to reunite him with the glasses that he, perfectionist that he is, forgot to pack, it's time for you to start drawing up a list of your grievances and what can be done to address them

Schedule some time alone with your dh and begin your conversation by saying that the incident with the glasses was the straw that has broken your back.

Say that although it may have been trivial in itself, it served to highlight the dissatisfaction and unhappiness you feel at being treated like a p.a and skivvy, and ask what he suggests can be changed/done to make you feel that you are his much loved and respected dw and mother to his dc.

Once you have begun conversing generally, move on to your specific issues and requirements.

Not wishing to upset you banana, but I'm struggling to see what you are getting out of this relationship. Yes, he works hard, but he is keeping all the money too, bar what he has to pay for essentials. And he resents you being home, even though he is getting more out of it than you are, in financial terms.

I am a sahm, but in our house all money goes into our joint account and is shared. My dh (who does have his faults, but tightness isn't one of them) recognises that he can only have freedom to pursue his career because I am here taking care of everything else. I think it's the only way to be fair when one of you is a sahp.

I think I'd hold off on IVF for the time being, until you've resolved this to your satisfaction. A lot needs to change here for your relationship to be fair and equal. I'd be tempted to return to work and make him pull his weight in terms of pick ups from nursery (and later school) and looking after ds at the weekends and in the evenings. He needs to realise that he gets a lot from you being a sahm and will get a lot less personal freedom if he has to do his fair share of domestic chores and child care.

You're more than welcome banana. If you resolve to have a great weekend, I have no doubt you will

Also a SAHM here. Also joint finances. The money for expenses is budgeted and then the excess (hollow laugh) is shared EQUALLY. If he wants nights out he gets them but I am having a lovely pedicure on the weekend while he is with DD.

I would take his glasses to him but I would be showered with love and gratitude as a result. If there is a sniff of 'unpaid skivvy' in this house, he is challenged on it. And, he does most of the heavy cleaning.

Please sort the way you do the money at the very least. He can't be rich while you and the DCs are poor.

well he phoned to tell me how good it is, and said he was sorry that we hadn't had a chance to talk, he was really sorry about last night and really grateful that I took his glasses.
keeps sending "i love you texts"

WHATEVER

It's remarkable how quickly the love flows when the demanding have got their own way.

Not saying that you were wrong to take the glasses, OP just that I've often observed the "love you" trick and wonder why the perpetrators think it works.

yes, i would do so for him, especially if you have no children or other dependants to think about, I would not hesitate

hmm, some people push and push at you until they go too far, realise they are sending you to the limits of the relationship, so they pull back a bit and go all loving and apologetic. Things are okay for a bit, then they start pushing at you again.

i hope your dh is not like this.

Banana - you sound incredibly fed up. The inequality in this relationship is getting you down.
My DP and I had seperate bank accounts until last year and it was fuelling all sorts of issues around money, we now have a joint account and it works so much better. He earns more than me, but before we had our DD we were earning the same, but since then he's got a promotion and I've gone part time - but the thing is we are a family and thus, agreed that joint finances (and joint debts) are part of the deal.

It would really irk me as a SAHM to be given an 'allowance' - it's hard work looking after kids - in some ways being at work is easier!

Joint finances all the way here. All income goes into joint account, standing orders FOR EQUAL AMOUNTS of personal money gets paid out to sole accounts. In the past we've earned around the same, but right now all earnings are DH's. But we still have equal amounts of personal money, and only after all household costs (including DS's clothes etc) are met.

Oh, and your comment "but he's a perfectionist, always the first in, last out of an evening."
That isn't perfectionism. That's presenteeism. Just because your in the office doesn't mean your working. Usually means you're not, in fact, but it seems to impress thick bosses. And is very useful for making sure you're not around to tend children at breakfast and bedtimes.

make him grove as you had a fight- but yeah id go