to still be bitter, aged 34, that I had the smaller bedroom?

[Judderwoman]

As a baby I was stuck in the boxroom, whilst my toddler DB got the largest room in the house.

As we grew up this arrangement never changed, even though I grew to be the taller sibling. There was just room for a cut-down junior bed in my 'bedroom' so I slept squashed up on it (I could not stretch my full length from the age of about 12). There was no room for any other furniture or even a radiator so the walls were black with mould that directly touched my skin - due to aforementioned tiny bed.

I was the one with the friends and boyfriend, but I had nowhere to take them. My brother had no friends so used his mountains of space to just make a mess and be a slob. I had few possessions because I had nowhere to put them. Any inherited 'gifts' (e.g. the old TV) went directly to him as I had no room. When I had exchange-visit friends to stay he would refuse to give up his room and they had to go in my mouldy tiny room with their suitcase - embarrassing! I played a large musical instrument but had nowhere to practice it. I begged my parents to change the door so it opened outwards or slid sideways to give me more space, but they refused as it was too much effort and would 'spoil the house'. Any time I spent in my room was spent writing stories or doing homework as I had nothing else to do in there.

When DB went off to uni he still refused to give up his room and so I, as a 16-year-old 5ft 9inch girl with A-levels to study for, slept on a 5ft 5inch bed whilst his room remained an out-of-bounds shrine. When he was 25, and I was back home for a bit after uni, he finally gave up his childhood bedroom and I was allowed it until I moved in with DH. I had few possessions as I had had to be so frugal with what I owned - just me, my musical instrument, and a few clothes/toiletries.

I get so jealous now when I see girl's bedrooms with lots of space and things in them and beautiful furnishings. I wonder if I'd had a larger room and somewhere to take friends, would I have had more friends? would I have wanted to study more if I had a decent study space and done better at school? My friends and DH feel the injustice on my behalf, and my friends with DCs tell me "girls need more space - you should have had the larger room" though I don't know if this is true. I see families where the girl is the younger sibling but has the larger room.

This is all part of a bigger picture of how my DB was/is treated differently to me, but it's the one thing that for some reason upsets me the most. Whenever I have mentioned it to my DM I was told I should be grateful because she had to share a double room (and double bed) with her sister and at least I had my own space. When my parents sold the house a few years back, my DM asked the estate agent "can that room really be called a bedroom? it's not really is it", and yet it was ok to put me in it!

Shouldn't parents want better for their children than what they had themselves, rather than guilt-tripping them that they should somehow be grateful for existing? I shall live vicariously through the beautiful bedrooms of any DDs I have.

Tell me your childhood bedroom injustices and make me feel better!

I think it sounds unfair especially when your bed wasn't long enough. My ds has the small bedroom but you can fit a wardrobe, chest of drawers and a bedside cabinet in it. He is the youngest.

My middle dd has the largest bedroom and my ED has a smaller one but the girls did share for years.

Similar situation with me (except I'm 32, and the oldest - but somehow "golden boy" brother at 2 years younger "needed" the biggest room).

I had the dinky boxroom not quite big enough for a bed, and always second best.

In my families case though it wasn't until I was in my 20s and I chatted to my Gran that i realised my mum really had favoured my brother. I mean, lots of siblings think it but she really did. Never told him off, let him "rough and tumble" me but the moment I fought back would smack me. Let him break my things but I got bolloked if I broke anything of his. He completely has an entitlement complex now too! I was the one who ended up doing academically well but I never got recognition for it - mother didn't turn up at awards evenings etc.

Bitter? Yup. Not sure quite how to get rid of that though!

Judderwoman - don't take the last post to heart. I don't think she read your op, or the thread.

She is entirely right that a child can reasonably expect to be loved, and I think you didn't get that much. Which is of course the problem.

WhereDidAllThePuffinsGo - I assume you are talking about reallytired's nasty post, and I agree with you. It does sound that there wasn't much love of recognition of the OP's needs as a child.

You had the small bedroom and all the friends, your brother had the big bedroom and no friends. My pity goes towards your brother.

some parents just do treat different kids differently. sometimes it's just a little bit unfair, other times it's outright abuse.

my mum was the older of two kids, but her younger brother, being a boy, got the better treatment all the time. my mum now has a 'thing' that the oldest child is the most important - i've heard her telling my nieces this. so my older sister always did, and still does gets more than I do, e.g. all the kid clothes, toys, bed etc went to dsis - I had to point out to mum that there was literally nothing left for my kid(s) if I ever had one before it even occurred to her. I still get treated like a rebellious teenager, and expected to fall in line with plans, rather than my ideas being listened to (I'm 42, btw, quite a long way past the teenage stage).

still, I do know that my parents love me, and it's the unfairness of my mum's little hang-up rather than a lack of love.

the op sounds like neglect tbh. there are plenty of ways that the parents could have done more to make the room nice(r) and make her feel valued.

op - i think you just need to accept that they had a 'golden boy' and that you need to live with it, or turn your back on it. your parents will never acknowledge or apologise for it.

Nice post really tired
maybe you should get some sleep.

I'm sorry - that sounds really shit.

I will tell you my bedroom injustice, although it wasn't really anyone's fault.

I had to share a room with my sister. There was no room for us to have a desk each, or to share. We studied for A-levels and GCSEs with no desk. No privacy, could never have anyone over, etc. There was no space for a TV or stereo or other things like that, that my friends had. For some reason my parents had decided to give us each a mini-dressing table - surely a desk would have been better? My parents did try to decorate the room nicely but I am always so envious of lovely girly spaces for teenage girls in magazines and stuff.

Our brother had the box room, where he had a cabin bed when he was younger and single bed that just fitted when he was older. He also had no room for a desk when he was taking his GCSEs.

I am a bit about why, when academic achievement was so important to my parents, none of us ever had a bloody desk!

OP that sounds really crap, I'm sorry. Elements of neglect. Reading your post in the relationships thread it sounds as though this is but one example of a much bigger problem with your parents. What you do from here I suspect is to find some way of confronting them about what you experienced and deciding how much contact you wish to now have with them, going forward. Taking strength from the fact you now have your own family and independence while your brother who was so cosseted doesn't sound as though he is coping well at all. My own bedroom injustice story is that I had to share with my mother until I left home at eighteen. No privacy at all in my teenage years.

I really don't mean this nastily, I'm genuinely interested, why does this matter to you now?
If it were me I would just do my best to learn from my parents mistake and if faced with a similar situation, be sure to do my best to treat my children as fairly as possible.
Other than that, I wouldn't let it impact upon my life at all, or even give it a second thought, sometimes parent get things right and sometimes they don't. It doesn't sound like they were cruel to you, just thoughtless.
Yes it was unfair, but what can be done about it now? Would an apology make you feel better?

yaimee, my parents always favoured my sister. yes, it would make me feel better if they finally just admitted it.