to still be bitter, aged 34, that I had the smaller bedroom?

[Judderwoman]

As a baby I was stuck in the boxroom, whilst my toddler DB got the largest room in the house.

As we grew up this arrangement never changed, even though I grew to be the taller sibling. There was just room for a cut-down junior bed in my 'bedroom' so I slept squashed up on it (I could not stretch my full length from the age of about 12). There was no room for any other furniture or even a radiator so the walls were black with mould that directly touched my skin - due to aforementioned tiny bed.

I was the one with the friends and boyfriend, but I had nowhere to take them. My brother had no friends so used his mountains of space to just make a mess and be a slob. I had few possessions because I had nowhere to put them. Any inherited 'gifts' (e.g. the old TV) went directly to him as I had no room. When I had exchange-visit friends to stay he would refuse to give up his room and they had to go in my mouldy tiny room with their suitcase - embarrassing! I played a large musical instrument but had nowhere to practice it. I begged my parents to change the door so it opened outwards or slid sideways to give me more space, but they refused as it was too much effort and would 'spoil the house'. Any time I spent in my room was spent writing stories or doing homework as I had nothing else to do in there.

When DB went off to uni he still refused to give up his room and so I, as a 16-year-old 5ft 9inch girl with A-levels to study for, slept on a 5ft 5inch bed whilst his room remained an out-of-bounds shrine. When he was 25, and I was back home for a bit after uni, he finally gave up his childhood bedroom and I was allowed it until I moved in with DH. I had few possessions as I had had to be so frugal with what I owned - just me, my musical instrument, and a few clothes/toiletries.

I get so jealous now when I see girl's bedrooms with lots of space and things in them and beautiful furnishings. I wonder if I'd had a larger room and somewhere to take friends, would I have had more friends? would I have wanted to study more if I had a decent study space and done better at school? My friends and DH feel the injustice on my behalf, and my friends with DCs tell me "girls need more space - you should have had the larger room" though I don't know if this is true. I see families where the girl is the younger sibling but has the larger room.

This is all part of a bigger picture of how my DB was/is treated differently to me, but it's the one thing that for some reason upsets me the most. Whenever I have mentioned it to my DM I was told I should be grateful because she had to share a double room (and double bed) with her sister and at least I had my own space. When my parents sold the house a few years back, my DM asked the estate agent "can that room really be called a bedroom? it's not really is it", and yet it was ok to put me in it!

Shouldn't parents want better for their children than what they had themselves, rather than guilt-tripping them that they should somehow be grateful for existing? I shall live vicariously through the beautiful bedrooms of any DDs I have.

Tell me your childhood bedroom injustices and make me feel better!

AZ - no but it should be. You can't live your life worrying about minor injustices in the distant past. It isn't healthy.

Mumwithadragontattoo I don't discuss it with them (any more), it's my DH and friends who say that.

When I've discussed it with them they tell me it was all perfectly reasonable and, as you say, that's probably to shut me up. Or they're in denial about favouring him over me (which they are and did). Who knows which!

It is a bit crappy. My elder has a much bigger room than the younger. However I have made the small room much nicer inasmuchas it is the only room in the house I have been arsed to sand and paint the floorboards therein, thus making it look fab.

I think mouldy walls become a metaphor certainly; recognise it but don't let it grind you down. You have a nice touch of the self-deprecations about you. You are fine. And you're not the only one who wants to (and does) do things differently from their own parents. (I also had a precious older brother - he was the only one who got his clothes washed, FFS.)

Sorry that was to Agent Zigzag.

Agent, just didn't think it was worth it. Dm would either have blamed df, got upset about it, told me I didn't mind which irritates me. I just rolled my eyes (on the phone) and ignored.
It doesn't really bother me now anyway, it was 30 years ago. My db got the downstairs room which, although bigger, I'd have disliked more.

mrsdonkeybucket " At 35 I have decided that my DH and DCs are more important, they can do their thing, just don't involve us ! "

Yeah I need to get some of that attitude I think. Unfortunately they keep involving me...

Mumwitha "You can't live your life worrying about minor injustices in the distant past. It isn't healthy."

Dead right but easier said than done - many minor injustices add up over a childhood, which leads to very poor self-esteem and all the fall-out from that. As we've agreed, it's not just about the bedroom.

Doing things differently to parents = having an actual relationship with my DCs.....getting on with and liking them, rather than trying to make them be what I think they should be.

Talking to them, as opposed to at.

Helping them to achieve their dreams, instead of always telling them where they are going wrong.......

The list goes on.......and on......and on.......!

YANBU, but I grew up sharing (at one point, with 4 others in the family)a smallish sized bedroom, even a bed. We never had our room decorated, second hand carpet etc. Ha, no rad! Ha, no double glazing!
That's life, I'm afraid, let it go, it's not worth the thought.

If you do have DDs, indulge them!

Fair enough OP. It does sound like they should have done more to make your room nicer for you and to make sure you were able to use your brother's room sometimes (esp when he'd left home!). The too small bed and mouldy walls is not nice. But in the nicest possible way I do think you need to let it go.

Only you know what your relationship with your parents and DB is and if this is symptomatic of a wider malaise. But on the face of it your parents had to give one of you a room that was too small to be comfy and they gave it to the younger sibling. Happens everyday in lots of families.

They could have swapped you two over every year or other year (keeping the walls neutral so no need to redecorate). Basically yes, I agree YANBU. They could have helped you out and listened to you and they didn't. It's not a tiny petty injustice that you are brooding over, it was something that affected you every day, especially having black mould on the walls and not being able to sleep straight!
FWIW I had to share with my sister and we had a seven year age gap. That was purgatory! A teenager having to share with an under ten. neither of us liked it; she was always banished when I had friends round and I as a rebellious teen had a room full of kiddie toys and Backstreet Boys posters.

YANBU, sounds awful OP. Think you may need the "stately homes" dysfunctional families thread in the relationships section, as others have said, it's about so much more than a room, and totally YANBU to still be upset.

It's crap, it was definitely unfair. I actually think you won't move on from this until you sit down with your parents and someone to support you and bring it up, don't let them gloss over it. Bring up the mould, mention your height, point out the stupidity of letting him keep his room while he went to university.

Judder

I put up with, and my family put up with, a lot, for a long time. In January this year, it all went a bit mad, so I GOT mad, and said enough.

You may think it is hard to cut yourself off......until I tell you that I actually live opposite my parents, and 1 DS, who still lives at home (youngest).

Oh, and there is no road, we are just a footpath away, with back gates looking onto one another.

You just don't visit, and don't answer the phone. If they want you, and want to make amends, they know where you are. Mine, have clearly decided, that we as a family are no longer required, which suits me fine.

Mumwitha, just looking at the room says it's not a non-issues. The OP has been left with the feeling her parents didn't care for her in the same way as they did for her brother.

You can have the smallest room room in the house (not that one ) and grow up feeling loved and appreciated by your parents, who might perhaps compensate in other ways, like LineRunner doing extra things for her eldests room.

But the OP didn't feel her parents did compensate, regardless of whether she's right or wrong, it's always easy to tell someone they're only minor injustices when you can't feel them yourself.

Well I know it sounds really petty on the surface, but I'm so glad I posted, and I'd like to thank you all for your wonderfully written responses.

I have a 3-bed house and if I'm lucky enough to have 2 children I will, like linerunner , ensure that the occupier of the smaller room (which IS adult bed sized :) ) still feels loved by making it as beautiful as possible.

Maryz - That's the thing isn't it. Your kids are in the rooms they're in for perfectly sensible reasons. But in future DD could say well I wasn't even the youngest and my 2 bros both had bigger bedrooms than me cos I'm a girl / ginger haired / whatever. The parents can't win.

OP - If it really is still eating you up at least ask them why he was favoured and let them explain to you. If you're still not happy then you can work on distancing yourself from them.

My mum always favoured my sister or that was how I perceived it. She had the bigger room ( although that doesn't bother me) and she was seen as the perfect one. I was parented very roughly - even violently - no one ever laid a finger on my sister. I was ridiculed for being ugly, there were no pictures of me in the house yet a huge one sat in the front room of my sister and others dotted around. My mum used to joke that I must have been swapped in the hospital as she couldn't possible have given birth to someone like my sister and me. Even when buying my wedding dress my mum said "That would look lovely on your sister!"

I allowed it to come between my sister and I for years, I hated her and my mother. I have now forgiven her and have moved on. My sister acknowledges that she was treated very different from me but her take on it was that she was ignored and treated as if the only thing she had going for her is that she was pretty. Noone disciplined her because they thought she was a non entity and perhaps too fragile whereas I was seen as a tough figure who would do well without any support - so I didn't get any.

Looking back I can see that my Mum just found it hard to show either of us any affection.

So I think if you can you should forgive and move on.

It's not petty at all.

The good thing is, it has made you want to be a better parent to your children, which is primarily about making them feel loved, valued and wanted.

I don't know of you will ever get the response you would like from your DM, sometimes it is better to just cut your losses, and appreciate what you have now, rather than what you 'missed out' on.

I gave up a long time ago wanting a good relationship with my family, because THEY are not capable of it. That's NOT my fault, and as I said, they are the ones who are missing out.

I have tried and tried, and can try no more.

But I have a wonderful DH and the most amazing DCs, which is all that matters to me. Life is for living, not regrets and what if's.

What would get to me is them not acknowledging I felt like that, which is usually accompanied by a 'don't be silly...'.

Fair enough, they might have had valid reasons for not finding a compromise to the situation, but just to brush it off with a 'think yourself lucky' line, can't help any.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah, bedroom rivalry.

I know this one very well.

Up until the age of about 12, I shared a room with BOTH of my sisters, until my parents decided it was time to move house at last.

Assumption was that they would be able to afford a 3-bed house, and that I would share with younger sister, with older sister having a room to herself.

This caused a massive amount of pre-resentment from me. I didn't get (still don't) why older should = better? The younger child will never be the eldest, so they will always miss out. Is that really fair?

As it happens, they managed to find a 4-bed house and we all had our own rooms. (Littlest sister had box room, but was the only child left by the time she was 11 so can pick from any of them).

I think the brother is a bit of a red herring actually. What would people say if the op had been

When I was growing up my parents made me sleep in what was essentially a large cupboard - there wasn't room for a proper bed or furniture. Oh, and it had mould growing up the walls. As an adult I still feel angry about this, and telling myself to get over it doesn't work.

I think your parents were wrong. They should have cleaned the walls, aired it, got a fan heater, whatever. And when you outgrew the bed they should have pulled out all the stops to find another solution. Strung a curtain down the middle of the big room so you could share it, or divided a room downstairs, given you the end of the dining room or something. You don't treat a valued human being that you love as they treated you.

Next time your mum visits, put her in a toddler bed ...