to still be bitter, aged 34, that I had the smaller bedroom?

[Judderwoman]

As a baby I was stuck in the boxroom, whilst my toddler DB got the largest room in the house.

As we grew up this arrangement never changed, even though I grew to be the taller sibling. There was just room for a cut-down junior bed in my 'bedroom' so I slept squashed up on it (I could not stretch my full length from the age of about 12). There was no room for any other furniture or even a radiator so the walls were black with mould that directly touched my skin - due to aforementioned tiny bed.

I was the one with the friends and boyfriend, but I had nowhere to take them. My brother had no friends so used his mountains of space to just make a mess and be a slob. I had few possessions because I had nowhere to put them. Any inherited 'gifts' (e.g. the old TV) went directly to him as I had no room. When I had exchange-visit friends to stay he would refuse to give up his room and they had to go in my mouldy tiny room with their suitcase - embarrassing! I played a large musical instrument but had nowhere to practice it. I begged my parents to change the door so it opened outwards or slid sideways to give me more space, but they refused as it was too much effort and would 'spoil the house'. Any time I spent in my room was spent writing stories or doing homework as I had nothing else to do in there.

When DB went off to uni he still refused to give up his room and so I, as a 16-year-old 5ft 9inch girl with A-levels to study for, slept on a 5ft 5inch bed whilst his room remained an out-of-bounds shrine. When he was 25, and I was back home for a bit after uni, he finally gave up his childhood bedroom and I was allowed it until I moved in with DH. I had few possessions as I had had to be so frugal with what I owned - just me, my musical instrument, and a few clothes/toiletries.

I get so jealous now when I see girl's bedrooms with lots of space and things in them and beautiful furnishings. I wonder if I'd had a larger room and somewhere to take friends, would I have had more friends? would I have wanted to study more if I had a decent study space and done better at school? My friends and DH feel the injustice on my behalf, and my friends with DCs tell me "girls need more space - you should have had the larger room" though I don't know if this is true. I see families where the girl is the younger sibling but has the larger room.

This is all part of a bigger picture of how my DB was/is treated differently to me, but it's the one thing that for some reason upsets me the most. Whenever I have mentioned it to my DM I was told I should be grateful because she had to share a double room (and double bed) with her sister and at least I had my own space. When my parents sold the house a few years back, my DM asked the estate agent "can that room really be called a bedroom? it's not really is it", and yet it was ok to put me in it!

Shouldn't parents want better for their children than what they had themselves, rather than guilt-tripping them that they should somehow be grateful for existing? I shall live vicariously through the beautiful bedrooms of any DDs I have.

Tell me your childhood bedroom injustices and make me feel better!

Is it possible they over compensated because your brother had no friends, I think that was a factor in my case.

I'm sure it was tough to decide what to do (I guess my solution would have been to make you share and have the too small room as a toyroom/then study or something) and in 20 years time, DD and new DS could easily be on here to moan about the fact our house was too small and they had to share.

But otoh, I don't think it would bother you this much if they had made an effort to see your PoV and make your small room more suitable and nicer for you. The mould is particularly awful.

It's not about the bedroom. It's about self respect, self worth and dignity, which your parents (and spoiled sounding DB) didn't allow you to have. I grew up in a shit filled hovel (shitty because my parents made it that way) and I feel all the pain in your OP. I also have little girl room envy, my DD's room is what I would have dreamed for as a child. I think you need some counselling about how you were treated as a child. Big un-MN hug.

I had the smallest room, had a smaller and narrower bed than a typical single bed size, that was all that would fit in, but wasn't bothered by it. However my mum made it nice for me by decorating it regularly, and when I was older, getting me a raised bed so I had storage underneath. My two younger sisters who shared a nice big room would moan about sharing and I would good naturedly swap (I didn't mind really which room I was in), it would end up with all 3 of us in one room as the other two couldn't bear to feel 'left out'. In the end my mum put her foot down and said she wasn't playing the bedroom switch game anymore and so I stayed put in the little room!

As an adult I have found having the tiny bedroom has taught me good life skills, organisation and ingenious storage solutions for example.

OP your parents obviously favoured your brother massively so I'm not surprised it still rankles.

I had a tiny room (although it did have a full length bed!) which was freezing - but DB had to give up his huge room (complete with piano) whenever we had visitors and had the washing machine and drier in the attached bathroom so DM had to go through his room to get to them. I got to choose the decor, and my father dry-lined the end wall so that I wasn't sleeping next to mould, and put a wall-mounted fan heater in there for me as well. My room was tiny, but it was tucked away and it was *mine" - I loved it.

So, OP, I think it is not so much the room as the general attitude (of which the room is, I grant you, a symptom) that you should be bitter about.

I would have loved to have had my own room as a child (even a skanky one!)

I shared with my older brother and younger sister, little DB in with my Mum and Dad. We eventually moved but I still had to share with my unbelievably messy sister! Slept in a bunk bed up until last year when me and DP brought our own place.

All I wanted in our bedroom was a dressing table with a pretty mirror, but apparently we have no room. However plenty of room for DP to have an 'office' in the spare room complete with beans bags and a PS3....

Anyway I still think YANBU.

I had the smaller room too. I was 20 months older than my brother. Not sure why.

Didn't really bother me though, I had enough room to read books.

Lime - do you really want your life to continue like this? Do you think you have room for a dressing table? If you do, then tell your DP that you are buying one and do it. How much say did you get in the spare room becoming his? It looks like it could just have easily been a lovely dressing room for you - or with a little thought a dressing room for you and an office for him... It's making me quite sad that even though you have left home and moved in with your DP your needs/wants are still being sidelined and that you are letting it happen. Stand up for yourself wee girl.

Agree with justfive. Limejelly don't let low expectations condition you into being sidelined as an adult! Get yourself a lovely dressing table on freecycle if you have to, but don't be ignored

Yanbu. It's not about the fact you had a smaller bedroom, it;s the fact that you had an inadequate place to sleep. No-one should have to sleep in a bed that is too small.

My brother moved into my larger room the day I left for uni. Nobody thought to mention this to me, until I came home at Christmas. I remember clearly saying how much I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed as was in very grotty halls etc, and my mum replying "errrr.... welll...."
I absolutely cried my eyes out :(
I wouldnt have kicked up a fuss if they had mentioned it before then, I could see why he wanted the room, but it seemed so underhand, I felt totally erased, all my stuff had been binned or binbagged with no thought at all. I was still a kid.
Needless to say, I didnt come home that summer or the next or the next. Whereas DB didnt move out at all until he was 28 and sponged off my folks for years....

Well it was meant to be an office, but before I knew where we were if got upgraded to 'The Games Room'

But yes your right JFM I think I need to put my foot down!

I shared a bedroom with my 3 sisters. I always felt jealous because there were only my 3 brothers in the other bedroom and it was same size so they had more space. I am resentful to this day that there was a spare room that had to be kept empty at all times in case we had the occasional guest.

I can lend you my steel capped boots if you need them

Tell me your childhood bedroom injustices and make me feel better!

I had to share with a snoring farting praying sister.

I would have given my left nostril to have my own bedroom.

I had a cubby hole of a bedroom and my dear B had a large room. It stayed his even when he went to uni - for his use when he came home in the long vacation. He didn't so much have a bigger slice of the family pie - he had the whole pie and I had the fucking crumbs.

When he was home from uni, my dear ma cooked him breakfast in bed every day. My job was to carry it upstairs on a tray. I didn't think to spit in it (shame). When I asked ma why I couldn't have breakfast in bed too sometimes (I didn't expect it every day), she called me a jealous little bitch. Dad made me breakfast one morning and brought it to me. Ma said "You spoil that bitch". B also made me his slavey - would throw me a two bob bit with the instruction "clean my shoes" or "iron my shirt". I don't think two bob was the going rate but I didn't dare refuse or ma would have given me what for.

Earlier my dear (sorry to labour the point) ma thought she'd teach me to be unselfish. If I came in with sweets I would be asked if I was going to share them with B. I of course said NO - he treated me like a pile of shit and I hated him. Then she would snatch them off me and instruct B to eat the lot in front of me. He did, smirking. She used to boast about this to all and sundry (aren't I a good disciplinarian). It didn't make me altruistic. It just made me hate my B even more.

All this favouritism did M no good at all as he shunned her from his teenaged years on, and came to hate her even more than I did, because she was a social embarrassment and not good enough for his middle class peers at uni.

Yes that sounds rubbish!

I, as the younger sibling, had the bigger room. DB had the big room at first, then we moved house when I was 5 and it was my turn for the big room. We didn't move again and I kept it...

My kids have unequal sized rooms, but we've never swapped. They have all their stuff in there, their books, pictures etc. The one with the biggest room is actually sometimes jealous of the bunk bed in the smallest room.

What I don't understand though is the way you say "he refused to give up his room". It wasn't up to him was it (how many siblings would be that generous), it was up to your parents to make that decision. I don't understand why they didn't make him swap once he'd gone to uni and was hardly there.

I too had the smaller room - When my brother came along he got the big one with the double bed as that was what there was in the house. Every time we moved he still got the biggest room.
However, He got kicked out of his room every time family came to stay while mostly I got to stay in mine.
life is too short to still worry about it - But I have given my eldest the slightly larger bedroom cost I felt I should have had it when I was growing up

It's unhealthy to keep hold of past injustices, what good does it really do you to mull over this and think of how you were treated unfairly? You might've been (I'm not gong to start making judgements) but wouldn't it be better to try to get over and past it? As you've already admitted, holding onto these grudges has made you bitter, which can't really be a pleasant thing to have to experience. And I do say this as some one who admittedly also holds onto past stuff and remains bitter, though really don't want to be. It doesn't feel good or healthy. And so on that account all I really have to say is that I think it's time you moved on. Stop thinking about how it was and try to think about how it is now - if it still sucks for various reasons now then work out how you're going to act and what limits you're going to place on the relationship to make things better for yourself now. Mulling over the past too much can blur your perspective.

Vivian not sure when I said I wasn't bitter, because to be frank I am, but I won't deny I did say it at some point! I have a habit of trying to undermine my own emotions sometimes to keep the peace, and I even do it on MN. Sorry for the confusion.

Those who are saying it's about self-respect, worth and dignity are spot on -and it's still not just about the bedroom (sorry to labour the point!) because even now my feelings about how I am treated get trampled on and dismissed as irrelevant, and DB is tiptoed around.

I would have liked some sort of 'recognition' of my situation, and to have altered the door would have at least placated me a little, as would a decent heating system. But the desire to keep the house 'as it should be, with all doors opening inwards' was greater than the desire to make a daughter feel a bit more comfortable.

It's alright saying "well at least you had privacy", and I understand that, but actually I didn't really - my DF just walked into my room without knocking (until I moved out properly at 24!), and my DB would come in 'my' room and search it, sometimes taking my writing to read/laugh at, and replacing it as if I wouldn't know.

But yes I could sleep alone without someone snoring/farting/praying next to me (the praying in particular sounds horrendous!)

stopraining "What I don't understand though is the way you say "he refused to give up his room". It wasn't up to him was it, it was up to your parents to make that decision. I don't understand why they didn't make him swap once he'd gone to uni and was hardly there."

Simply because my DB was never 'made' to do anything - my parents were, and still are, frightened of upsetting him in any way, and I was always the good compliant one who barely kicked up a fuss so it was easier to have me upset than him.

They wonder now about why he has no friends or girlfriend and it's because he can't find anyone who will tiptoe round him like they always have. His sense of entitlement is staggering.

RufusT. What a sad story. Really sad.

I know families who have alternated room sharing every two years or have converted a downstairs room to be a bedroom.