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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let him visit the house on our daughter's birthday - LONG

52 replies

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 11/08/2011 15:55

I'll try to keep this brief:

seperated 3 years ago (my call), divorced for 2
I stayed in house, he went into rental until he had a breakdown. Now lives with his father
3 kids. One of whom has a birthday today
Handover of kids for access visits has always been done at a neutral point (not the family home) due to the fact I'm intimidated by him. He sees the kids once every 4-6 weeks although he could see them more if he wanted.

Today is our daughters birthday. For the past 2 years, he has seen her on the nearest weekend to her birthday. He just rang asking to drop round with a present tonight.

I said absolutely not. The kids seeing him in MY enviornment, our home, woud just confuse them as it did do in the early days of seperation. "Why can't Daddy come in?", etc.

He said IABU. I am sat "in his house, with his kids" and he has nothing. I pointed out our son had chemotherapy today and will be spark-out on the sofa in about an hour so no, I did not want him coming to knock on the door. I also said it's been 3 years since we split up and he should be dealing with this better by now.

I said, "it's half term, take some time off from work tomorrow and I'll drop the kids off/pick them up from wherever you want".

The ball is now is his court. I feel for him but AIBU in not letting him come to the house tonight?

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/08/2011 15:57

Well it depends on why you feel intimidated by him. Very hard to judge without knowing more details but generally I would say yes YABU if he is not allowed to come over to drop off a birthday gift on the actual day.

fuzzysnout · 11/08/2011 16:01

Well on the face of it it does appear that YAB somewhat U, however it really depends on why you split. You say he intimidates you, so if he is (or has been) in any way unpleasant towards you then YANBU. If there are no other issues then it would surely be much more pleasant for your birthday DD and ill DS if he could come in & spend time with them - however it does appear there is more to this than you are saying in your post - in which case YANBU.

gillybean2 · 11/08/2011 16:01

No you are NBU.
LInes need to be kept and everyone need sto know where they stand.
You are right it will confuse the dc and they may start to wonder/think/hope of a reconciliation.

He is thinking about what he wants and not what is best for everyone else, particularly the dc, here

GruffalosGirl · 11/08/2011 16:02

Unless there's specific behaviours in the past that give you reason to feel intimidated by him or you feel there would be a huge fight then I would say YABU.

How old are the kids? Surely it wouldn't confuse them too much, or do they have SEN that would make it particuarly confusing, as most kids would just be overjoyed at this rather than confused, as long as you managed it correctly.

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 16:02

I am sure there must be more to this than you say, but on what is in your post YABVU.

gillybean2 · 11/08/2011 16:10

It's the fact he thinks he has the right to come over because you are living "in his house, with his children" that make him Unreasonabel here.

The fact that he still thinks like that means you are definietly NBU

AmberLeaf · 11/08/2011 16:12

Aah so he goes 4-6 weeks without seeing them but thinks it oh so important that he turns up on a birthday?!

...so that then you are the bad guy if you say no!

I dont need to know more OP...YANBU

lucky24 · 11/08/2011 16:13

From what you have said YABU, could you not ask that if he comes he brings his dad with him (would this stop you feeling intimidated?) and say he is to stay 1/2 hour at the most. I think it will be nice for the DC to get a present from their dad on their birthday.

It been 3 years i don't think the DC will be confused by him calling round for 1/2 on birthdays

Ormirian · 11/08/2011 16:14

It sounds as if yabu. But I'm sure it will turn out that you aren't.

Sirzy · 11/08/2011 16:18

Yanbu. From what you have said it will just cause more confusion/upset than it's worth.

biddysmama · 11/08/2011 16:24

yanbu, its not HIS house its your house and your home where yhou should feel comfortable not intimidated you dont have to let him in, i think telling them he can see them tomorrow was more than reasonable.

SuchProspects · 11/08/2011 16:30

If he knows he isn't to come to your house (and it sounds like he should) YANBU at all. He could have posted the present or handed it over at the last drop off if it was important to him she have a present on the day.

And if you are intimidated by him, for whatever reason, YANBU to insist he doesn't come to the house. You deserve to feel safe in your own home, regardless of whether or not others would be intimidated by the things that intimidate you.

greycircles · 11/08/2011 16:34

It is hard to say whether you are being reasonable or unreasonable. Would need to know:

Why you split?
A bit more about his behaviour re intimidation?

DogsBestFriend · 11/08/2011 16:45

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

There's no obligation upon you to have your ex in your home/upon your doorstep at all, he's been offered alternatives and given good reasons why you've said no and he can like it or lump it.

Most importantly, why the fuck wasn't he with your son earlier today, whilst the lad was having chemotherapy?

On that note, my heartfelt thoughts and good wishes to your poor lad.

DBF xx

AbbyAbsinthe · 11/08/2011 16:47

Yes. This.

You don't have to have anyone in your house that don't want to. He has had weeks to come and see his child and has chosen today. I appreciate that it's dd's birthday, but he can wait until the weekend, like he always has done before. If he wants to change the arrangements, he needs to give you more notice than few hours, ino

Original poster

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 11/08/2011 17:24

Thanks for all the replies and I appreciate that more info is needed.

Ages of kids, 8 (today), 6, and 6 (twins).

Reason for breakup: EA and bullying on a scale I could detail for the next 5/6/7 pages. I once gave him pasta for his tea. He threw it at me. "I've worked all day and you're giving me fucking pasta!". Tea had to contain meat and be served to him on a tray on his lap, after he had spent at least an hour upstairs unwinding (with his porn collection). I had to try to time tea for when I thought he would be ready. Treading on eggshells, etc.

He wanted me to sleep with other men. He was obsessive about this. Nagged, and nagged and nagged me. I just couldn't go on or do it.

He pushed me, shoved me, broke stuff, held me down by the neck, shouted at me in front of the kids.

After we broke up and I did allow him access to the house, he marched in every time, topped the boiler up, checked the fridge, then sat down with the paper.......for HOURS. Ignoring the kids. Then he'd try to hug/kiss me, ignoring my protestations. More than one time I had to threaten to call the police before he'd leave. After the last episode 2 years ago, I told him he wasn't allowed here again.

He's threatened suicide. Absconded from an ambulance after a breakdown (was eventually held down by 6 policemen and carried into the back of a van because the ambulance men deemed him too much of a violent risk to deal with).

I just don't want this man near me, and certainly not in my home. My daughter has had a happy day (albeit, most of it spent at the hospital).

And, I forget who asked, but ex-h was not at the hospital for his sons chemo appt because he's never been really involvled. Our son was diagnosed with cancer right in the middle of our seperation. I do all the appointments/care on my own.

OP posts:

greycircles · 11/08/2011 17:26

OMG - of course he can't come to your house! YANBU.

Dozer · 11/08/2011 17:35

Yanbu, of course. Good thing you got away from him, and he will need to learn to respect the boundaries bettere, as you say.

Sorry your son is unwell. Hope dd has a good day.

Steph260311 · 11/08/2011 17:42

You're not being unreasonable. He is being unreasonable and perhaps trying to get some power/control over you by trying to change the arrangements last minute. I hope your little girl has a wonderful happy birthday and your son gets well.

DogsBestFriend · 11/08/2011 17:45

"ex-h was not at the hospital for his sons chemo appt because he's never been really involvled. Our son was diagnosed with cancer right in the middle of our seperation. I do all the appointments/care on my own."

:( :( :(

It was me who asked.

What a cunt. Not often I use that word but he deserves it.

I take my hat off to you. If he were my ex I wouldn't have him within 50 miles of my children, ever.

SnapesMistress · 11/08/2011 17:45

YADNBU, keep him away from your home.

Pandemoniaa · 11/08/2011 17:46

Your second post confirms that no, YANBU. Nobody would want this man in their house, regardless of it being their child's birthday. Keep him well away and I hope your dd has a very happy birthday.

Nancy66 · 11/08/2011 17:47

Having read your second post - no, you are not being unreasonable.

sounds like he is using the excuse of the daughter's birthday as emotional blackmail.

You sound well rid.

diddl · 11/08/2011 17:49

I´d be in two minds about him seeing the children tbh.

Poweredbypepsi · 11/08/2011 17:50

on the basis of your second post yanbu at all.

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