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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let him visit the house on our daughter's birthday - LONG

52 replies

TalesOfTheUnexpected · 11/08/2011 15:55

I'll try to keep this brief:

  • seperated 3 years ago (my call), divorced for 2
  • I stayed in house, he went into rental until he had a breakdown. Now lives with his father
  • 3 kids. One of whom has a birthday today
  • Handover of kids for access visits has always been done at a neutral point (not the family home) due to the fact I'm intimidated by him. He sees the kids once every 4-6 weeks although he could see them more if he wanted.

Today is our daughters birthday. For the past 2 years, he has seen her on the nearest weekend to her birthday. He just rang asking to drop round with a present tonight.

I said absolutely not. The kids seeing him in MY enviornment, our home, woud just confuse them as it did do in the early days of seperation. "Why can't Daddy come in?", etc.

He said IABU. I am sat "in his house, with his kids" and he has nothing. I pointed out our son had chemotherapy today and will be spark-out on the sofa in about an hour so no, I did not want him coming to knock on the door. I also said it's been 3 years since we split up and he should be dealing with this better by now.

I said, "it's half term, take some time off from work tomorrow and I'll drop the kids off/pick them up from wherever you want".

The ball is now is his court. I feel for him but AIBU in not letting him come to the house tonight?

OP posts:
Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 11/08/2011 18:12

diddl "I'd be in two minds about him seeing the children tbh."

I totally agree with you. As part of the divorce, we had a court order done about his access times (this was before he got ill). He agreed to one weeknight and one full weekend day. This never happened. He had his breakdown and, if I had my choice, I would never let him see the kids again.

When he had his breakdown, I contacted Social Services and asked about Supervised Access - I was told no way, not gonna happen, not enough resources available. So unless I want to pay money I haven't got to drag him through the courts to revoke his parental rights, he still has the legal right to see the children.

I'm basically handing over them to a man I don't trust has had psychotic episodes. It's just beyond belief.

If I refuse access, will he turn up here? It's bloody frightening.

It's 6.10pm. I have my doors and windows locked and my curtains shut just in case he turns up. That's not normal.

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 11/08/2011 18:18

If you refuse access he will have to take you to court to establish it, which will be your chance to tell all that has happened and secure supervised access.

It wouldn't be my way of doing it, mine would be a little more unorthodox and he wouldn't EVER see my children again, but that's the legal route.

You should NEVER fear any man and NEVER feel at risk in your own home. If he turns up, call the Police.

skybluepearl · 11/08/2011 19:19

after your second post - i agree you are being reasonable

TheSecondComing · 11/08/2011 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustFiveMinutesHAHAHA · 11/08/2011 19:29

I agree with DBF (as usual Grin).

You don't even need to question if YABU - you know the answer x

Gonzo33 · 11/08/2011 19:45

I think you must be one amazing woman. I'd have told him to fuck right off, so no way are you ybu

GruffalosGirl · 11/08/2011 19:49

After your second post you're definitely NBU, don't let him in.

solidgoldbrass · 11/08/2011 19:49

YADNBU, this is just another tactic on his behalf to harass you.

TidyDancer · 11/08/2011 19:52

YANBU. He sounds like a bit of a prick and I wouldn't want him in my home.

Sending good thoughts and wishes for your DS. I hope his treatment goes well. x

Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 11/08/2011 20:01

DBF I'm reluctant to start court proceedings as he has as much mud to sling as I do. His constant badgering to want me to sleep with other men made me find solace in wine. (He actually had his friend wait in the bathroom one night, ready for the 'nod' to come into our bedroom after a night out).

I completely freaked and spent the next day parked up on an industrial estate carpark. All day. Just crying.

I'm sober now (2 years) but I can do the "he was a pervert" thing, and he can do the "she was a drunk" thing.

So, I'm not wanting my dirty linen aired in public, but I still feel he has a hold over me if I say I don't want him to see the kids.

This is the absolute shit scenario that women all over the country are dealing with. Secrets, lies, compromise and all the rest of it.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/08/2011 20:14

But aside from that it´s the abuse which I assume your children witnessed.

G1nger · 11/08/2011 20:15

Oh love. You're clearly a strong person and you are absolutely not, not in any way, being unreasonable x

youarekidding · 11/08/2011 20:26

Blimey you sound so sensible and strong you must know YANBU. Could the visits be arranged at your FIL? Would you feel better if they went there?

Hope your DD had a good birthday and best wishes for your DS good health.

And a Brew for you to have with birthday cake.

xmyboys · 11/08/2011 20:27

NO access tonight. Hope it all went ok?

DogsBestFriend · 11/08/2011 20:43

I would say that you'd be very wise to take legal advice, perhaps via a free 1/2 hour legal surgery initially or via the Childrens' Legal Centre. What your DH did to you was the cause of you turning to wine for solace and I presume that you have evidence to prove that you're sober now (and clearly a caring mum). You certainly shouldn't be living in fear or being controlled by this excuse for a human being. (Sorry I know he's your DCs dad but I have a feckless DH myself and was on the receiving end of DV so it makes me so cross, especially whilst you're caring for a very ill son). Legal advice will guide you as to your options and tell you what the outcome should be.

Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 11/08/2011 20:46

He respected my wishes of no access tonight.

youarekidding the major source of our problems was his father (the FIL to me). Controlling, narcassistic. He runs the family business. Ex-h works for him. Ex has been dying to get his hands on the family business for years but FIL won't give it up. His wife is in a home (mental illness) so if he retired, he wold have nothing to do and no-one to be with.

I know the answer to my own question now. IANBU

OP posts:
Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 11/08/2011 20:54

DBF I cannot prove my sobriety any more than he can prove his sanity. People think it's easy to get medical records pulled up for a court appearance. It's not. It's a lengthy and costly process. I'm living on my sons Disability Living Allowance, Carers Allowance and Maintenance Payments. I don't have the money, I just don't, to fight a court battle.

My divorce was relatively straightforward but it still cost me £2,000 (as he signed everything following Mediation on the proviso I didn't bring up the sex stuff).

It's a minefield that half and hour in a solicitors office will not solve.

I'm kind of resigned to the fact that after our daughters birthday, he will disappear again for 6 weeks.

I guess I just needed to vent today. Thank you. x

OP posts:
Mollymom · 11/08/2011 21:05

Just as an aside-you sound like you could qualify for Income Support as a carer if you are not getting it already-maintenance is ignored in the calulation these days and then you could qualify for legal aid should you ever need it.

gillybean2 · 12/08/2011 07:43

Mediaton isn't legally binding, Just because you agreed in mediation doesn't mean you have to stick to that...

ledkr · 12/08/2011 07:54

I wish id done that,my ex-who went off with ow, remained very over familiar in our home for years.Would let himself in for a shit and a sandwhich in the day when i was at work till i took the key.He used to come to see the children,watch my tv drink my tea and ignore the them.
I gradually had to put boundaries in place especially when i met dh.
The final straw was when he visited boxing day and stayed all day to my family "do" helping himself to food and drink.I now meet hm at the door to handover the children.
I dont think yabu,if this has been the arrangement so far then why should it change now?
Best wishes to your poor little boy too.

pigletmania · 12/08/2011 09:43

I Was going to say that yabu, but reading your other post yanbu, why should you let a bully and abuser into your home. Cant he drop it at a neutural location or just leave it outside the door. U I was going to say that

Ormirian · 12/08/2011 13:20

Oh good lord, having read what a tosser he is YANBU!

Stick to your guns.

ShoutyHamster · 12/08/2011 13:31

YANBU. There is nothing more to add to that!

Except - I see totally where you are coming from with the legal stuff, still - I wonder whether, if you refused access and he had the option of leaving it or going to court - would he bother?

It sounds like there is a whole raft of stuff you could pull up on him, including documented incidents with the police involved. I think when push came to shove the likelihood is that the threat of what you would bring up would have him running - especially as, let's face it, he doesn't seem to care much about your kids anyway. I think he would bottle it. Because citing in return that you were driven to abusing alcohol for a short period does not really cut it in the same way as his documented episodes. I would maybe, despite everything, still see a solicitor for a free half hour, with everything written down?

Or just stop contact and see what he does. Lot of bluster then silence is my bet...

Second the comment that you are one amazing woman!

Original poster
TalesOfTheUnexpected · 12/08/2011 15:25

Thanks again for the replies.

ShoutyHamster and others, you raise a good point.....would he even bother contesting access through the courts? Probably not.

But....what he would do would stop his maintenance payments, that's for sure.

So, it's a whole awful can of worms. If I insist he can't see them, he'll stop the maintenance and I'd be forced to sell this house in the next few months. I'm not in employment (I used to have a good job but my boys have SEN, are statemented and attend a Special School). The care needed by my son who has cancer means I am just unemployable. He can be fine one minute and in hospital the next. A job isn't do-able.

Effectively, I'm a hypocrite that gives in to the ex-h's demands as I need the money to keep the roof over our heads. I'm not happy with him seeing the kids but I'm happy to take his money.

The CSA aren't involved. It's a private/court order agreement. If he did refuse to pay and I involved the CSA, I would receive considerably less per week than I am doing now so I would still lose the house.

Gillybean. Thanks, I did realise that mediation isn't legally binding but what we agreed in mediation was then written up into a court order and became part of the final divorce. He is meant to give me £XX a week. I lowered this verbally following the divorce to try and help his financial situation. So, although I have a court order saying he should pay me "such an amount", he actually doesn't, and that's my doing.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 12/08/2011 15:32

absolutely dont let him in . ever. he is trying it on (as my exP has done so many times - not as bad as yours but phsyical agression coupled with MH issues).

presume FIL supervises the contact?
is that ok?
do you feel they safe with him?

presume you have SW involvement from disabled childrens team? - they can support you over contact issues too ?

how do you manage when Ds is in hospital in terms of care for the others?