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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my boyfriend is asking too much?

21 replies

OscarLove · 11/08/2011 08:39

i've been seeing my boyfriend for almost a month now. he's a very nice, decent person and we have a good sex life. I would do almost anything when it comes to sex/fantasies and he would for me. Each night we text each other and usually it gets a bit sexual the texts, and last night he sent me a text saying that he wants me to wear stockings, high heels, red lipstick and would I paint my nails for tonight (i'm going to his house tonight) and spray perfume on myself when we have sex tonight. It's not just sex, he is very affectionate and is a very caring man, but I feel he's asking too much of me, and maybe even trying to change me. I'm thinking that what is wrong with the sex as it is, is it too boring for him, just plain old sex so much that he wants me to dress up and look like a slapper?! Am I over analysing his intentions?

OP posts:

MrsPresley · 11/08/2011 08:45

You dont have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, just say no.

I dont think he's asking too much IF you are happy with it but if you're not tell him.

megapixie · 11/08/2011 08:45

I regularly do all that, not just for my dp, but for me. I enjoy feeling nice and sexy and seeing him think so too. (I'm not slapper btw). But, it's important he doesn't expect this from you every time you have sex. So, if he's as good a person as you say, he won't mind having normal sex as well.

Gonzo33 · 11/08/2011 08:46

I think you need to talk to him. A lot of men, and women, like dressing up. Feed's the fantasy.

If you feel like he is trying to change you, then that is a different kettle of fish but something you still need to talk about with him.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 11/08/2011 08:51

You feel this is slapper dressing, he probably just thinks it's sexy. Talk to him - if this is the first step on the road to dogging or if he sulks or gets angry if you say no then by all means dump him. Otherwise, it's up to you. Give it a try. You might like it. Or ask him to do a Colin firth (insert own fantasy here) impression for you and see how he reacts to that.

Original poster

OscarLove · 11/08/2011 09:00

Mmm, Colin Firth :) I will give it a try. Once can't hurt. He's not pressurising me at all, and I did say I was a little apprehensive, but willing to give anything a try, and he said that if I didn't want to do it, there would be no way he'd ever make me do anything I didn't want to or feel uncomfortable about saying no to him.

OP posts:

Morloth · 11/08/2011 09:08

No harm in asking if that is what he would enjoy.

But also no harm in saying 'No' if you don't want to/don't feel like it.

Whatmeworry · 11/08/2011 09:13

He has every right to ask you to do it, you have every right not to do it. Welcome to the wonderful world of compromise. If you can't find one then the relationship will probably peter out.

holyShmoley · 11/08/2011 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyThumb · 11/08/2011 10:11

Oh dear, OP - oh dear!

turquoisetumble · 11/08/2011 10:15

Really Holy? I think in sex talk/texting, that's quite common.
"I want you to tie me up" or "I want you to (insert fantasy)" I don't think that's suspect at all.

It sounds like OP is just feeling uncomfortable about doing something new. Which is fine and she's entitled to feel that way. What he suggested wouldn't be a problem for me occasionally - but would be if he wanted it that way all the time.

OP maybe you could have a chat in a less suggestive way (maybe post coitally or a cosy evening in the pub) about what you both like/fantasies etc. Then you can have time to think about where your boundaries lie and how you can make it work for you - and his suggestions could be less of a surprise.

WkdSM · 11/08/2011 10:16

You've only been seeing each other a month - and 'have a good sex life'. I've had a longer relationship with library books!!!
No wonder you have no idea of his rationale - you hardly know each other.
If you are uncomfortable - talk to him about it. If you can't talk to him / are to shy / find it too awkward - maybe you need to build your emtional intimacy more before continuing with the sexual intimacy.

God I'm geeting old!!!

QuintessentialShadow · 11/08/2011 10:21

I think I echo both WkdSM and holysmoley....

DoMeDon · 11/08/2011 10:46

I hardly think wearing a bit of slap and some heels is sexual fantasy!?!

Any hoo - 1/ don't do anything you don't want to
2/ don't start what you don't want to finish

If you're constantly texting (every night is constantly) and getting sexua,l his mind will race due to you titilating him. What did you expect to happen? You got saucy, he got saucy.

AIBU to be a little disappointed this wasn't a bum sex thread?

squeakytoy · 11/08/2011 10:48

Is it just me, or has there been a thread in AIBU by the OP about every single aspect of this relationship, from day one.

JanMorrow · 11/08/2011 10:52

Ah bless him, that's a fairly harmless fantasy isn't it? I love dressing up in a bit of red lippy and stockings, it's just a bit of fun for me..

But the most important thing here is, you don't feel comfortable with it, so a simple "i'd rather not" to him will be fine. He sounds like he's a nice bloke, don't read too much into it.

lubeybooby · 11/08/2011 10:55

No no no no no no no.

When you've only been seeing someone a month, you should not need to be doing all this. You, alone, should be enough.

Nothing wrong with his fantasy but if you have to be like a performing zoo animal a month in them something is very wrong.

lubeybooby · 11/08/2011 10:55

Circus, I meant circus. Not zoo

evilkensmum · 11/08/2011 10:56

My dh and I had only been together a week before I was asking him to tie me up and spank me! I am lucky in that I found someone who likes to play sexually the same way I do, but until I asked him I didn't know that he did IYSWIM.
If you're not happy don't do it - up to you, but I think you may be reading to much into it. Heels and stockings is quite vanilla really. Obviously if he gets aggressive or starts to pressurise you then you need to look at the relationship as a whole, not just the sex side of things.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 11/08/2011 10:58

Not even a month?? Have you even been STD checked? I'd have no problem doing this with someone I was in a secure relationship with. But this really isn't that. He must feel like the cat who got the cream.

Mobly · 11/08/2011 11:00

Agree with WkdSM. It's no wonder you don't feel entirely comfortable- a month! Do you see each other every night? I don't think that's healthy.

If you don't see him every night then you hardly know the fella really do you?

lazarusb · 11/08/2011 11:10

You told him you would try anything once....I would be wary about giving someone carte blanche like that! 'Anything' could get very unpleasant.
Is your relationship based on sex or do you talk to each other too? If you don't want to do it, then don't.

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