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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why all benefits are not limited to two children only

425 replies

SuzysZoo · 10/08/2011 13:59

Ok. I know that this is going to be a bit contentious. I don't mean retrospectively either. I just wonder why, in these cash strapped times, the government doesn't just say that all benefits, child benefit etc should be limited IN THE FUTURE, IN AT LEAST 9 MONTHS TIME, to 2 children per family only...... My point being that if you have more you should support them yourself. AIBU?

OP posts:
twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 18:52

I tried to get legal advice but it was difficult because he would hide everything. He rather cleverly had nothing in his name. He worked for his family business and they paid him a minimum wage officially and the rest in cash so I could not get maintenance.

I fought for a few years, even though it meant constant phsyical, mental and verbal threats. In the end I just thought fuck this, I am more than capable of looking after my child.

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 18:54

We were not married very long which I think made it even easier for him to fuck me over. However we were together for 10 years. We sold our house and we were renting courtesy of the company. Looking back now he sold the house so that he could get rid of the money and have no assets when he divorced me.

Portofino · 11/08/2011 18:54

I don't believe it matters who name the house was in. If you are married and have a child you have a claim on the family home, and pensions, and child maintenance. There should have been some kind of financial settlement.

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 18:55

Was the house not in both your names, though? Surely this is standard when married?

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 18:55

Yes I am divorced now, he is now broke as it all went tits up in the crash.

Rocky12 · 11/08/2011 18:55

The thing is - he cannot just throw you out. You can choose to go and under emotional stress you probably agreed but do you mean you chose benefits as opposed to his money. He has responsibilities to you and your child. I would have taken his money which was presumably more than benefits. I am going to be harsh here and say that legally you should have been required to take money from him. You had a child together not the state and you. No court would allow him to do what you have described. Are you in this country I wonder..

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 18:56

When we were divorced the house was gone, as was the money. I did not want his pension, I am capable of earning my own.

Rocky12 · 11/08/2011 18:57

This sounds all a bit far fetched to be honest.

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 18:57

x posts. I am stunned that you could know someone that long and it only ever occur to you that they are a decent, loving person then they hit you with that.

That's not a criticism, more an observation.

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 18:58

No I did not choose benefits rather than his money, he refused to pay. I said that as soon as I was able to get money from him I took it until I was able to support myself.

He did throw me out, so there is no point saying he could not. I thought he was having a breakdown so I went to stay with a friend for a week. In that time he moved so I did not even know where the family home was to lay claim to!

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 19:00

Carpet believe me I feel utterly stupid,but he had everyone fooled. He has done similar things to other women since.

I will never ever rely on anyone for anything ever again.

Portofino · 11/08/2011 19:01

Well, my observation is that you are well shot of him!

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 19:02

Believe me rocky as it was happening to me I could not believe it either. But there are people out there often people with a lot of money who think that the law does not apply to them.

We read all the time about rich people doing underhand things to avoid paying tax, I think he saw me and his daughter as some kind of tax that he has to avoid paying.

It doesn't matter if you don't believe me, my point is that you cannot fund a life of luxury on benefits.

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 19:03

I am well shot of him, he makes my flesh creep when I see him and I wonder what I ever saw in him. I met him very young and he had some kind of hold over me.

Rocky12 · 11/08/2011 19:04

Its funny I read somewhere that nearly 50% of women have secret bank accounts. Interesting fact methinks.

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 19:06

I love my dp implicitly however I have my own independent savings now that he has no access to at all. He does not know account numbers or anything.

Rocky12 · 11/08/2011 19:07

Dont be a victim - I have a very close relative who married twice for money. When the first one didnt work out she became the ultimate victim, he had done this to her, it wasnt her fault, poor me, poor me, we told her to postpone the marriage as it was clear things were far from OK but she just went ahead anyway. Still the victim 8 years later still taking no responsibility for what she chose to you. I am not saying you are one but it is easy to fall into that trap.

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 19:08

But as I said what goes around comes around or whatever it is they say. He is now broke, I have the nice life that I have earned myself.

I do resent the accusation that I took state money over my husband's because it was easy, because that is not true. I have also not claimed my child benefit or any kind of tax credit for a number of years so I can pay back every penny that I took from the state.

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 19:08

I guess I can just never comprehend how women get into these situations. We married at 35 after living together for nearly 10yrs and I'm convinced that during that time I got to see all there was of him. If you're together that long you see all the bad bits as well as all the good bits. Your finances are all wrapped up together, you've gone through so much together that you trust each other with your life.

Anyway, sorry to hijack.

Portofino · 11/08/2011 19:10

It's not really secret, and is currently £148 overdrawn Grin. We live in Belgium and I read recently some info about inheritance planning. It turns out that in Belgium, say dh died, they would freeze our account until probabte was sorted! You are allowed to draw out a small amount to cover expenditure, but basically it would be a fecking nightmare and bills would go unpaid. So I thought I better start sneaking some amounts in to my UK personal account, just in case. I haven't started yet, but twinkly's sad experience has reminded me that I better start!

mathanxiety · 11/08/2011 19:10

It doesn't sound far fetched to me. I got screwed by exH in a different way. He insisted on refinancing the mortgage after it was clear our marriage was not salvageable, to pay off a large credit card debt, which increased the mortgage and thus decreased the amount in profit when the house was sold after divorce. The debt would have been in his name. He emerged from the divorce free of major debt and with the bonus of his share of the proceeds of the house sale. I got far less from the house sale than I would have if I had refused to refi the mortgage. exH could have paid off his debt with his portion of the proceeds, but instead I partially paid his debt..

Carpetlover -- I knew my exH for almost 20 years before I found out his true sexual orientation.

Plenty of women leave their homes with only the clothes on their backs and are then deemed to have abandoned the marital home. For many, leaving penniless is preferable to asserting their right to a share of the property.

When you take away CB across the board you place women at risk. DV takes many forms and it affects women in all social strata.

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 19:11

Believe me Rocky I am no victim, I was back then I was pathetic and you cannot loathe me anymore than I loathe the pathetic rather stupid excuse of a woman that I was then. I did things wrong and if I am being honest I hovered when he proposed to me but I had a fantastic lifestyle that I wanted to keep.

However when it came to finalising our divorce - which took year as he would not admit to having anything- I had re-established my career. I had my own home with my new partner, a pension and a new life. I wanted nothing from my old life.

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 19:15

You must have been very young then mathanxiety. Because that's another thing I find hard to comprehend (im obviously in a bubble).

A mature, sexually experienced woman would surely know if the man they were sleeping with wasn't heterosexual? But then this all ties in with me refusing to consider marriage or until well into my 30. I needed to be absolutely sure about both the character of the man I was doing it with and our financial stability.

twinklypearls · 11/08/2011 19:16

It took my years to realise that I was a victim of a form of abuse, he was much older than me and he met me when I was 15. He spotted that I was naive and ripe for abuse and exploitation. In many ways I had everything that a woman would want but he also kept me very isolated from other people. At the time I just thought we were so in love we did not need anyone else. I now see that it was part of a long term plan.

Al0uiseG · 11/08/2011 19:18

Twinkly, you've had some sort of roller coaster of a life judging from everything I've read about you in the last couple of days.

You should write a book Hmm