Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Do you expect your DH/DP to help at the weekend?

77 replies

myterrapin · 07/08/2011 05:39

My DH works long hours Monday to Friday and I look after our 3 dcs and all the housework, shopping, cooking, washing etc. Fair enough. Every week I look forward to the weekend when we'll see more of him, then every time we end up arguing about the same issue. Basically I expect him to help around the house and with the dcs, and he doesn't do it.

For example: We live overseas and have a small pool in the garden. It's very hot and we have to be really careful about suncream and insect repellent. The dcs are getting better at remembering but they are still very young. Today I was in the kitchen cleaning up and DH was in the living room on the computer. Next thing I see the dcs in the pool, no UV tops only bottoms. I asked DH if they had suncream on and he said he hadn't put any on. This really pissed me off - why is it only my responsibility?

If I ask him to do something specific he says he will, then doesn't do it. If I ask again (and again) he will eventually do a half-arsed effort, e.g. table wiped but lots of spills etc left there, half of the towels hung out. Whenever I try to talk to him about this he just keeps repeating "I do help" and won't acknowledge what I'm saying. He does "projects" (at the moment he is into making bread), so he sees that as helping.

I'm fed up with the arguing. Should I carry on pushing about this or AIBU and he works really hard and he should get to relax at the weekends?

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 14:32

I don't expect DH to "help" at the weekends or any other time. He just does what needs doing. He comes in from work and does what needs doing with the kids and on the weekend he is the same plus if I ask him to do anything he will do it. Just as I will do something if he asks me too.

LeninGrad · 07/08/2011 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGrad · 07/08/2011 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 07/08/2011 14:41

No. I don't expect him to 'help'

He's not helping. That implies that the house is my responsibility.

We both do what needs to be done, in what evens out over time to a 50/50 split.

DoMeDon · 07/08/2011 14:42

If he works long hours during the week and onky gets time to himself at the weekends he may need more time than you at the weekend but not all of it. You both deserve hassle free time.

I take a bit of a step back when DH is in charge. He makes more mess than I do when he cooks, he does clearing up a different way but I'd rather he did it. That was a big lesson for me to learn - not everone does it the right my way!

acsec · 07/08/2011 14:42

I have this problem too - we both work long days, I'm up at 6.20 to be at work for 7.45 and leave around 5.30/6, DP leaves house same time as me as takes him longer to get to work , he has 9-5 job but gets home about 6.30. Weekends see me hoovering, dusting, washing etc and when I ask him to help he does the old "I've had a long hard week and just want to relax" So do I but spending 2hrs cleaning, another 2hrs ironing interspersed with doing the washing is not my idea of relaxation. What also pisses me off is the "I don't have any clean pants/shirts etc where are they?" Erm I imagine they are still in the pile on the bedroom floor as they can't wash themselves!

Sorry for hijacking your thread and having a rant!

clam · 07/08/2011 14:51

acsec well nothing's going to change for you then, unless you stop doing it all yourself and insist that you too have "had a long hard week and want to relax."

Why do so many women tolerate this crap? All this talk of "helping out" and "washing up for you " and "babysitting."

Sort these guys out, fgs!

omnishambles · 07/08/2011 14:58

I dont do anything at the weekend apart from cooking - dh does almost all of the childcare and if that involves cleaning as he goes along ie as I do during the days when I'm at home then so be it - its not helping its parenting. But we both have lax standards regarding cleaning and suchlkike- one of us will eventually do the job when we have to.

DoMeDon · 07/08/2011 15:00

acsec - stop washing and ironing his clothes. Clean if you want to - I like my house to a certain low standard, so do it for my own reasons but would only do it if I wanted to. Ask him why he feels he is more important than you, why he desreves a life and you don't. Then tell him what an arsehole he is - HTH.

clam · 07/08/2011 15:25

And for all those guys professing that they need to relax at the weekend because they've been "working" and therefore can't possibly do any childcare/housework.... if childcare/housework are chores, then you too, as a SAHM have been working hard all week and need a rest. The double standard on this issue astounds me. How are so many men getting away with it?

lachesis · 07/08/2011 16:00

'How are so many men getting away with it?'

Because women permit it. I know women who are still there cleaning the toilets for their teen boys because, well, they won't do it. Um, they do it or they get punished because it's not doing them any favours to maid for them as more and more women will be brought up not to put up with crap like this!

Want an easy life, where you can relax and decompress and do FA at the weekends and in the evenings? Then don't have kids! Or earn enough to hire everything out.

exoticfruits · 07/08/2011 16:26

They often get away with it because they don't do it to the DW's standard. You do have to let go-just let them do it their way and keep out of the way. When mine were small DH used to dress them in a most peculiar collection of clothes-I used to cringe a bit as they went out -but I never said anything because we are equal parents, I am not general supervisor!

Whatmeworry · 07/08/2011 17:45

if childcare/housework are chores, then you too, as a SAHM have been working hard all week and need a rest. The double standard on this issue astounds me. How are so many men getting away with it

If the breadwinner came home and said sorry, didn't finish at work, need to work all weekend that would be unacceptable if it was every weekend. Ditto sahm - get it done during the week.

They often get away with it because they don't do it to the DW's standard. You do have to let go-just let them do it their way and keep out of the way

What she said......

blackeyedsusan · 07/08/2011 17:54

yabu... he is not "helping" it is his house, he lives there and they are his children, so house and children are his responsibility as well as yours. he does not seem to be taking responsibility.

LauLauLemon · 07/08/2011 17:54

I expect DH to help whenever he is home. We both clean, cook and look after the children. We both share our parental duties and work. I don't work at the moment so it's me doing the majority of everything but DH does help.

Kladdkaka · 07/08/2011 18:15

My husband can't cope with generalised 'helping', he needs specifics. We used to argue all the time about him not doing enough. Now he has specific jobs that are solely his responsibility and it works much better. For example, Saturday is his night to provide an evening meal. I don't badger or chase him up. It's entirely up to him. We had a few hungry nights, but now he's on the ball (although he cheats with takeaways sometimes). He also does the shopping (from a list I provide), cuts the grass and makes bacon butties for everyone on a Sunday morning.

clam · 07/08/2011 20:48

Ditto sahm - get it done during the week.

Erm, surely things like watching them in the pool, preparing meals over the weekend, clearing away and loading the dishwasher, mediating tiffs, entertaining them, making beds, clearing up spills, putting out the bins on the Sunday night ready for Monday morning.... have to be done AT THE TIME? Not in advance Monday to Friday?

CalmaLlamaDown · 07/08/2011 20:59

Are you seriously going to make your DH a 'chart'! I assume he is a grown man?

I can understand that you need to relax too so do the bare minimum between you sat/sun, enjoy family time and catch up on monday

minxofmancunia · 07/08/2011 21:03

I expect him to pitch in all the time, not just at the weekend. I do more housework than him because I "see" it more, his standards are low to non existent and he's the messiest person I've ever known. It's caused huge rows I'll admit but to be fair at the weekend he probably does a fair bit more childcare than me as he enjoys it more and doesn't seem to need time to himself particularly whereas I do.

Tips to minimise weekend "work";

Try to eat out if you can, at least one meal, doesn't have to be expensive, take a picnic. The constant drudge of thinking up, cooking and tidying away meals at the weekend is hellish.

Ditto other peoples children coming round, I can't cope with the mess they make so it's either come round and play in the garden weather permitting OR meet at park/soft play etc.

Do at least 1 activity just for you, cafe, shop, gym, bike ride, walk etc.etc. without the kids, it's not healthy to spend all weekend together constantly and kids do well to realise they are a part of a family not necessarily the centre of it.

ledkr · 07/08/2011 21:27

I consider myself to have a very helpfull dh.Does fair share of night feeds even if he has work,clears kitchen every night cos i cook,does all household tasks equally to me. I did notice that since ive been on mat leave he seems to lean towards the "other jobs" like cleaning the car,doing the garden or painting the fence. I think its cos hed rather do that than the boring household tasks.Problem is those jobs still need doing so i cant say too much.
When baby was 4 months i took dd1 to paris for a week,lefte him with the baby.He had a very increased understanding of my week from that and has never been more helpfull

Mummystootired · 07/08/2011 22:04

For some things I ask him to help. He works mon to fri then gets weekend off.
I don't get a day off from housework, looking after dc so I feel as he helped create the dc he should help a bit with looking after them. As for house work if he does any he does it a bit half hartedly or I should say not as good as I would have done it.

traceybeaker · 08/08/2011 10:36

Do you really have to do housework everyday?

I could get up now from my comfy chair and within half an hour the house would be tidy.

Make beds 5 mins. [nothing else to do in bedrooms]

Clean bathroom 5 mins [bathroom is always cleaned after a bath 5 mins.

hallways and landings nothing to clean.

lounge couple of cups and plump cushions 3 mins.

kitchen nothing to do.

If every thing is put away and tidied after it is used it cuts down on mess and cuts down on cleaning.

Hoover the house through every other day. Leave it at the weekend.

And teach your family to be tidy.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 08/08/2011 11:23

I can't believe people are still:

talking in terms of men 'helping round the house' like children
giving their partners lists so they can manage the shopping
believing men's bullshit claims that they can't 'cope' unles they're given specific jobs, again like children

I don't mean to criticise individuals, by the way. I just find it really sad that men are getting away with not pulling their weight because beliefs like this are still around.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 08/08/2011 11:23

'unless', not 'unles', obviously.

Cleverything · 08/08/2011 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread