Do you expect your DH/DP to help at the weekend?

[myterrapin]

My DH works long hours Monday to Friday and I look after our 3 dcs and all the housework, shopping, cooking, washing etc. Fair enough. Every week I look forward to the weekend when we'll see more of him, then every time we end up arguing about the same issue. Basically I expect him to help around the house and with the dcs, and he doesn't do it.

For example: We live overseas and have a small pool in the garden. It's very hot and we have to be really careful about suncream and insect repellent. The dcs are getting better at remembering but they are still very young. Today I was in the kitchen cleaning up and DH was in the living room on the computer. Next thing I see the dcs in the pool, no UV tops only bottoms. I asked DH if they had suncream on and he said he hadn't put any on. This really pissed me off - why is it only my responsibility?

If I ask him to do something specific he says he will, then doesn't do it. If I ask again (and again) he will eventually do a half-arsed effort, e.g. table wiped but lots of spills etc left there, half of the towels hung out. Whenever I try to talk to him about this he just keeps repeating "I do help" and won't acknowledge what I'm saying. He does "projects" (at the moment he is into making bread), so he sees that as helping.

I'm fed up with the arguing. Should I carry on pushing about this or AIBU and he works really hard and he should get to relax at the weekends?

Yes, it's definitely putting a strain on our relationship too. He's complained that we don't do much together as well, but it's just not possible - we don't have many options for childcare as my family is abroad & we can't ask his mum too often. Or he'll want me to stay up & drink wine & chat like the old days, but I can't have more than a glass because I'm bf'ing & will be up every 2 hours so I need to go to bed, & he's disappointed.

To be fair to DP he has taken her out for a few hours or minded her so I can get out for a bit. But he seemed to think this would be enough, & it's not. I need to sleep when my body normally sleeps at least once a week!

I agree with exotic fruits. Sounds like you have another DC. I am sure he has a responsible and sometimes complicated job. Why can't he work out how to give the kids breakfast or do the washing up etc when needed? Answer: because he doesn't want to!

He should get to relax at the weekends - but so should you.

So housework etc should be done in the week - presumably at least one of your kids is in school, if not more? You don't need to vacuum or clean bathrooms at weekends if it's done once or twice (or daily as with vacuuming here!) during Mon-Fri.

Jobs like cooking, clearing away etc should be shared, so for example this evening I cooked the dinner and am now relaxing on the sofa on mn while my husband clears up.

I would expect every parent to know that a child requires sunscreen and a top in warm weather, especially around water.

I work long hours Mon - Fri, several weekends and one 24h stint a week. If my husband expected me to do laundry or cleaning on top of that (he works from home looking after the boys and running a business, so fits the house chores around that) I would go spare.

Yes we work together unless there is a test match. It means a lot to him and I try and bring him nice food and a beer and indulge it. He puts up with my TOWIE habit. The rest of the time we all work together although we have a maid who does the laundry and basic housework.

So don't do anything at the weekends. Get in the pool with the kids. Do all the housework during the week, plan simple meals for the weekend and chill out.

Gosh I wish I did'nt have to work and had a pool.................

Its excatly the same in our house. My DP works hard, I am a SAHM and do everything. I got so fed up with the rows at the weekends, that I now no longer do any housework at weekends, only cooking. The house is a tip by Monday morning, but at least I am able to do it all in a big blitz on my own. DP doesn't seem to notice the mess or do anything about it, so why should I bother if it just makes me resentful?

One thing I hate more then anything, is the phrase, "I've done the washing up for you" or similar chore. "for me"? FFS.

YANBU.

I agree that it's more helpful to start by setting aside your own leisure time, then point out what will need done in that time slot.

Without making excuses for him (I have been in your shoes!) I do think it's difficult for someone who has little involvement in the daily routine to suddenly run with it without forgetting/overlooking some stuff. Which leads to things not being done to your standards. Which leads to him wondering why he should bother if it's not good enough when he does do it ... or is that just my house?!

I have had to accept that if I want useful contributions I have to spell it out. DP never pauses for thought if I want to go out socially or whatever, but I do have to mention the load of washing that needs to be hung out, or take something out of the freezer to avoid him panicking and making omelettes for all the meals because there's nothing obvious in the fridge. When he was a SAHD that wasn't the case but now he's working a lot it's definitely less second-nature to him.

Some of your posts have made me think about a woman I know who has seven DC and a husband who works away from home. She's always serene, well presented and smiling. Her children are delightful.

She once told me that she only struggles to keep on top of things when he comes home because he disturbs her routines!

I can relate but I wasn't a SAHM then, was working just as much has DP. We used to fight every Sunday - for these exact reasons!

I have come to accept that he wont help with housework (I now have a cleaner for this reason). I don't iron his clothes, I will wash as I am always washing anyway, but I don't put his clothes away, he is big enough to do this himself and when he can't find things - his fault!

Sundays are still a problem, but whenever I feel I need more help I take the day off and he has the dc's. I go shopping or do whatever I want but often I am also doing paperwork (which I resent but it has to be done). At one stage it was every other Sunday but I've relaxed a bit as I do want some time with the family together. (Sunday is our only day)

He doesn't do anything in the kitchen, so can't complain if there is no dinner for him, he comes home really late, but he never cooks for me so I don't always cook for him. He is the type of person that comes into a clean kitchen, makes the biggest mess doing simple things like cooking toast and then walks out leaving someone else to clean the mess.

It's really bad and we (I) really shouldn't be like this but at the moment it's what keeps things ticking along. If he made more effort then I'm sure we would have a happier relationship, but he thinks his work contribution is enough! :(

sorry sunday morning rant over (DP not here, gone for a long ride)

I think you have to think what is reasonable - and then get an agreement
I am not working at the moment - although I did work until mid may and my DH doesn't work that long hours - and planning to work so it a bit different - and he is the one with higher standards re mess as well!

Children's safty -eg sun screen has to be done - and I would give him a hard time about that
I wouldn't do any house work at weekend -no expect Dh to do any - eg no cleaning, just cooking and washing up and probably some laundry. In our house whoever cooks doesn't have to wash up -so he probably do some of that

oh and we do swap of lie in - so we both get one
but I agree a day with him looking after them - or even an over night might be helpful!

God this thread is depressing me. My female friends get it, totally. They invite me over for a break & look after me because they've had kids & know what it's like. In fact one friend has insisted I come over this week to spend the night & she'll help with night feeds! I know that we'll share the cooking & tidying & it'll be lovely & harmonious. Sometimes I think I would be better off in a relationship with a woman... but unfortunately I am straight!

Two other things seem to be happening here as well as the "not pulling weight" thing.

Firstly, DH is coming back after a long week and (shock) playing with the kids instead of grinding out the chores and you resent that.

Secondly, you seem to want to retain control of the chore schedule, approach, quality etc.

Three suggestions based on my experience:

Firstly, you need to accept that long working weeks burn people out so he needs a day of R&R. If you let that be Saturday then he will be far more rested on Sunday, so make that your R&R day and the day he does chores.

Secondly, you can't expect to have things done and then demand your methods, when try are done, quality levels etc ( well you can, but you won't get very far....). Pick the tasks he does to your satisfaction for him to do and tell him when they need to be done by.

Thirdly, you need to count the time he is playing with the kids as part of the helping you time, it's probably the only time he gets to do that, it's important for the kids, and it is freeing you up for other stuff.

(I have been sahm, 2 working parents, main breadwinner etc so have seen all sides of this one - I think sahm typically don't allow for the stress of long hours/long commutes)

no, i dont expect him to help, i just expect him to be a father/adult/partner. he works long hours, i dont mind that he's more interested in squeezing in children time more than cleaning time because they miss each other. but he does ALL the children things when he's off. cooking, dressing, bathing, playing, nappies etc, he's not just playing while i do the drudgery. urgh.

Can you get some help in the week - cleaning etc so at weekends you aren't doing so many chores? And then try and have some time to yourself as well on a sat or sunday?

My DH works long hours and I have 3 dcs and I don't expect him to do much at weekends in terms of chores really but I know I'm in a minority on that one. But I do go out most Saturdays for a few hours and leave him with the children.

You need to come to an arrangement that works for both of you really.

MrsCB make that a minority of 2 then - IMO if there is a sahm then there should be nearly no chores on weekends except feeding and caring for family. If the are 2 working parents then use money for cleaners etc.

Thanks for all your helpful responses, they give me a lot to think about.

Greenteapot, I have often secretly felt that things are easier when DH is at work!

I can totally see how he needs to wind down after his manic week. I appreciate all he does for us, and, to put it bluntly, we need his salary. I also feel priveleged to be able to be at home with our dcs. We really don't try to fit in a lot of chores at weekends, it's just the basics - cooking, washing up etc. I guess my issue is more with him not thinking about what needs to be done, in particular relating to the dcs. But as someone said, if you don't do this regularly it's hard just to jump into it and know what needs to be done. I feel some stuff is obvious though - I have trained the dcs to bring their plates to the kitchen and after lunch today only one plate was left on the table - DH's! The dcs gave him a telling off!

On the plus side he has just washed the dishes and is now putting dcs to bed, without being asked. Probably because I've had a go at him today, but still....

we both work ft and we both do 50% each

when i stayed at home, i didnt expect him to do housework or cooking etc, that was my job same as his was working in an office or whatever

Hire a cleaner.

Because it's not 'helping out', it's doing his fair share with regards to the family he chose to create.

Don't bring up your kids to think pulling their weight is 'helping out' because I can tell you right now I'm bringing up my daughters not to put up with men with this attitude for a second unless they're rich enough to hire all that work out and more and more women in the next generation are not going to assume that having a vagina means they're the ones who weild the mop.

I don't need to hire a cleaner, most of that gets done during the week, which I have already said is fine by me. It's more helping out with little things, and with the dcs in a practical way.

Reading posts from those of you who work makes me realise how much worse this would be if I went back to work.

It's not 'helping out'. It's doing one's fair share!

"Do you expect your DH/DP to help at the weekend?" No, I do not expect him to "help". Because "helping" means that whatever he does is actually still my responsibility, and whatever he does is a bonus out of the goodness of his heart. What I expect is that HE WILL DO HIS SHARE.

The problem seems to be that your husband has a very narrow view of what is his share. I get the impression you are less bothered with the actual chores, maybe seeing them as equivalent to his long hours out at work. It seems to me that it is his abdication of responsibility that is the problem. He expects to switch his brain off completely over the weekend, whilst in reality parents still have to be "on". But he goes all passive so you have to be active. And that's just not fair. It's the serious version of another thread on here at the moment - "Is there a law that means I am the only who can decide what we have for dinner?". It is TIRING to be always making the decisions, however trivial each decision may be. It is TIRING to be always supervising the children. These are the things he should be sharing, and isn't. And these are the things you should be discussing.

You said "His excuse was that he didn't know he was "in charge" but imo if he was the one right there then it's his responsibility." Base your discussion around this, about the fact that as a parent he is ALWAYS "in charge", equally, alongside you. By leaving it all to you, he is treating you as his mother not his wife.

I'm pretty much repeating WhereYouLeftIt here, and don't have anything very useful to add, but I object to the very notion that men 'help' around the house like a little kid 'helping Mummy.' It is not a woman's job and if a man deigns to get involved he's 'helping out'. You all live there, the family is his family as well as yours, he needs to pull his weight.

This does sound a bit familiar. I'm on maternity but when I go back to work things will have to change as I can't do it all. Lots of chores and effort are kind of hidden (DH was horrified the day he saw me scrubbing the loo as he had no idea I did that and hadn't thought about how it was always clean) so you don't perhaps notice until you really analyse it. Maybe some men really think they do an equal share unless you set it out in writing. E.g. going for a day out. mum's jobs - find place to go, find out where it is, opening times, cost etc, book if needed, on the day make pack up, get anything needed such as nappies, towels and suncream packed, make sure everyone is fed, dressed etc ready to go, take care of pocket money. Dad's jobs - roll out of bed, get self ready and drive car! Perhaps it is upbringing as well, I bet men who were taught either explicitly or by example that house and kids are women's work are less likely to do their bit than those who had to help/saw their own dad help. It improves with nagging discussion but it is often easier to just do things than go on and on about it and get everyone stressed.