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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

URGENT DO I ACCEPT A PRESENT?

99 replies

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 16:50

Neighbour who has a thing about me for years though he's been told clearly nothing will happen and I will be his friend only. He has had a tough year this year. I noticed he hadn't been seen out, raised the alarm and he was found in his bath being inco-herent and couldn't get out. Clothed and no water in it. I raised the alarm with his family so they went in and found him. Done him other favours driving him places as I do for one other neighbour.

Anyway, he gave me a second hand television which was old a year or so ago but it died. He came in and saw I was watching a small television so I told him the old one had died.

He's knocked the door saying he's been to town and paid cash in full for a new flat screen for me and it will be here at 6.30.

I don't know whether I should accept the gift or not. If I don't I'll hurt him horribly and I don't know whether he could get his money back or not.

Feel like I am in a difficult position.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 20:34

Imperial It is my own personal conscience and my son and I'm not 100% sure that I've done the right thing. I think I have made the best of a situation that was thurst on me. He is 14 has been suicidal regularly, wishing himself dead today because he can't cope with this, it's not his fault and I get that.

I try to manage his life to keep things as smooth as possible but he can't understand why I show this neighbour any compassion and try to help when I can, he fears he will want to become my husband which isn't going to happen. I'm just sympathetic and supportive or try to be to those who are more vulnerable.

It is complicated.

OP posts:

MonsterBookOfTysons · 05/08/2011 20:37

MitMoo certainly no flaming from me, you were in a difficult position to begin with.
I would of probably done the same as you :)

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 20:41

Thanks monster It was so hard, I am one of his few friends in the cul de sac, he has a few but many shun him, his life doesnt extend beyond culdesac and a family who has largely lost patience with him. For me to reject his thanks would have been akin to kicking a bloke when he is already on his knees.

I didn't want it I was quite happy with the portable, I didn't ask for it, but I do feel bad. Let the kick in begin.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 05/08/2011 20:41

I think you were caught between a rock and a hard place and I think I would have done the same thing as you. Refusing to accept it, would have really hurt his feelings, so I think you did the right thing.

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 20:45

Thank you Karma I really do feel very bad over this but I didn't ask for any of it. I just thought maybe incorrectly that I'd take the route that would do least harm.

OP posts:

pink4ever · 05/08/2011 20:51

mitmoo-am sure you will get your sainthood soon

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 20:53

Your point Pink?

OP posts:

bananasplitz · 05/08/2011 20:54

why did you have to tell son anything at all about telly

its nothing to do with him

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 20:57

banana he would have been here when it was delivered, do you think I should have lied to him?

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 05/08/2011 20:58

If your child is thinking about suicide because you took a tv off someone he doesn't feel is good for you, why is the tv in your house? If your son was NT I would say ignore him but he isn't.

pink4ever · 05/08/2011 20:59

My point is how can you possibly in good faith accept such a large present from a man who is 1)-vulnerable and 2) wants to get into your knickers? you are making yourself obligated to him.
Also why would you choose to upset your son rather than upset this neighbour?
Perhaps your are spreading yourself too thinly with your good deeding and should concentrate on the problems close to home eh?.

JanMorrow · 05/08/2011 21:01

Take it in the spirit it was given, it obviously gave him great joy to give it to you, so be happy that you have made him happy and think no more about it. You're not obliged to do anything further.. oh and ignore pink.

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 21:04

If your child is thinking about suicide because you took a tv off someone he doesn't feel is good for you, why is the tv in your house? If your son was NT I would say ignore him but he isn't.

When my son gets stressed and upset the typical response is "I wish they were dead" " I wish I was dead" What I have to do is to manage that reaction, to explain the giver is not a threat to us, that no one will enter our lives unless he wants them to and to calm him which I have. He is now using the television to watch golf, one of his obsessions, earlier it was Xbox.

I will happily admit it is a tightrope walk

OP posts:

PercyPigPie · 05/08/2011 21:06

How about ' that's so kind of you - I really really appreciate it. However I'm really worried because you have been so ill recently and I'm worried you might need it in the future and then I'd feel bad. I can't possible accept it.'

snippywoo2 · 05/08/2011 21:17

As you have now excepted the television, just think of it as a gift given to you as a thank you.
If on the other hand the giver starts to think this entitles him to constantly have more to do with you than you feel comfortable with, pack the telly up and hand it back to him or if he wont take it give it to a member of his family.

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 21:18

I did that.

OP posts:

SarahStratton · 05/08/2011 22:00

Well, it's all done and dusted now. Nothing to see here folks, move along...

valiumredhead · 05/08/2011 22:04

There's no way anything would get past my threshold if I didn't want it, it wouldn't matter what the circumstances.

milkshakejake · 05/08/2011 22:10

I think i would've done the same as you.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 05/08/2011 22:18

Well, you did what you felt was right.

Just don't come back complaining that he's knocking on your door loads and wanting to come round

Lindax · 07/08/2011 10:37

agree with valium

you say you "can't possibiliy accept" the gift because you know you shouldn't, but then let them deliver to your house

You are sending this man very mixed and confusing messages. Have a feeling you may regret this.

post · 07/08/2011 10:58

You are NOT 'making yourself obligated to him', or sending 'mixed messages', I believe. You sound like you've been really clear, and nevertheless, this man who thinks you're kind and wonderful wants to do one of the few things he can do to say 'thank you'.
It is right to take into account someone's ability to make decisions, but his 'vulnerability' doesn't sound as though he's unable to do that. In fact it could be seen as a bit arrogant to assume that he can't possibly make those decisions for himself without someone caretaking him. And I speak as the mother of a 'vulnerable' teenage ds, who literally could be that man one day.

And I think there's also a bit of that old 'women being responsible for men's reactions' thing going on in some of these replies too, I may be wrong, but that the worst thing in the world is for a woman to do ANYThING that might be 'leading him on', 'mixed messages', that you'd then be responsible for him and his feelings. Yes, we all need to be clear and honest with people, but we don't have to be ever vigilant, policing men's feelings and reactions. Oh, I don't know if I'm making sense, I need SGB to put it better!

anyway, enjoy the gift, feel happy and grateful when you watch it. Everyone should be able to make someone happy sometimes, and it doesn't sound like he gets many opportunities.

Lindax · 07/08/2011 14:18

if he was a she, taking the gift from them would still be inappropriate for many reasons given above

the fact that its a man who has admitted he has feelings for the OP is just a n additional reason to the many

OP is sending this man person very mixed and confusing messages.

HelloAgainnn · 12/11/2022 12:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

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