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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

URGENT DO I ACCEPT A PRESENT?

99 replies

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 16:50

Neighbour who has a thing about me for years though he's been told clearly nothing will happen and I will be his friend only. He has had a tough year this year. I noticed he hadn't been seen out, raised the alarm and he was found in his bath being inco-herent and couldn't get out. Clothed and no water in it. I raised the alarm with his family so they went in and found him. Done him other favours driving him places as I do for one other neighbour.

Anyway, he gave me a second hand television which was old a year or so ago but it died. He came in and saw I was watching a small television so I told him the old one had died.

He's knocked the door saying he's been to town and paid cash in full for a new flat screen for me and it will be here at 6.30.

I don't know whether I should accept the gift or not. If I don't I'll hurt him horribly and I don't know whether he could get his money back or not.

Feel like I am in a difficult position.

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 05/08/2011 17:31

2 issues;

He sounds vulnerable, either he is and is being over extravagant [as some people with bi polar do] OR you could be accused of taking advantage.

The 2nd issue, you say he has a bit of a thing for you, I would worry that accepting such a gift may seem to him as 'leading him on' im not saying it is but you know what I mean.

Difficult though as he has well and truely put you on the spot!

post · 05/08/2011 17:33

I totally disagree with most of these replies. You very possibly saved his life, can he not be given the chance to show how grateful he is without the assumption that he can't make a rational decision about where he spends his money, or is after something more from you?
As for feeling uncomfortable or indebted, yes you can feel that if you want, or you can just accept a gift gracefully and keep clear and happy about it. you've always been honest with him.
Don't accept it if you don't want it, he may feel hurt, but that's also not your problem. But you don't 'owe' him anything if you do.

LolaRennt · 05/08/2011 17:34

No, couldnt accept

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 17:52

The main problem is that he didn't ask because he knows I would say no and he's gone and paid for it in cash and he's so excited, he's told other neighbours about it and to refuse it would crush him.

He lives two doors away so it is going to be seriously embarrassing to turn it away in front of him and the neighbours he's already told about his good deed. I feel like I can't win either way I'd be a complete bjtch for hurting him when he is trying to be kind and I'll feel like a complete bjtch if I take it.

I didn't ask for it and would have refused it if I was. But he's paid for it. He can afford it but it's not the point really.

Thanks to everyone on this thread, I still don't now what I should do.

Although it was a good suggestion to turn it away the delivery truck is coming at 6.30 and the neighbours know now so I can't do that, it would be cruel. He already has a huge tv and would have a use for this one.

It would be a real smack in the chop. What to do? What to Do?

OP posts:

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 05/08/2011 17:54

How do you think the neighbours would view him giving you a tv set? Do you really think they'd judge you more for saying no than for saying yes?

And should you really base a decision on what the neighbours think anyway?

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 17:59

post I don't wish to sound smug but you are right I probably did save his life, his sons don't bother with him, he is a complicated character but seems to have latched onto me. If I had not have noticed he was not out and about, tracked one son down, he'd have been left there.

He was incoherent, clothed and unable to get out of the bath, arms and legs just flailing like a baby. He was refusing to go to hospital and the ambulance man and lady wouldn't take him without it. I talked him into it too.

He was convinced he was fine and in the kitchen. He kind of thinks straight now, hard to explain him really. He drives all the neighbours bonkers but some of us are kind to him because we know he's not well. He tells them all he'd marry me tomorrow but she wont have me.

I don't know if I can hurt him.

Complicated by the fact my son is autistic and has told him "you're only doing this to get your hands on my Mum" then started to bang his head against the wall, screaming before calming to a cry. He doesn't want anything from him. But my son is calm now explained I am not going to go out with him for a television.

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Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 18:00

The Magnificence I've only spoken to one to get her opinion, she says take it or you will crush him. Her daughter said to refuse it or I'll be obliged to him in the future. He has spoken to the others so they'll know it was not asked for which is a relief.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2011 18:06

I think you should accept it in the spirit in which it was given. You were there for him at a very dark time in his life and he is excited about rewarding you with it.

Don't invite him in to watch it, though!

Your poor son. He made me laugh though, saying what you were thinking yourself. Such a shame he was upset.

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 18:09

Just ran to another neighbours, they too said take it, it's what he wants to do with his money.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 18:12

Imperial I'll have to invite him in, I'd better run to the shops and get him some beer in, just for tonight though and I'll set the imaginary timer for an hour, I can't take it and shut the door on him.

I think I am going to have to take it to be honest. I think to refuse it would be cruel to him. Hard one though, really hard.

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TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 05/08/2011 18:14

And then you take it and the next time he wants to come in? And the time after that? and the time after that?

You'll be letting him in whenever he wants or you'll be the cruel woman who was happy to take a tv off him but won't socialise with him...

I just think it leaves you vulnerable.

valiumredhead · 05/08/2011 18:17

post I don't wish to sound smug but you are right I probably did save his life, his sons don't bother with him

Don't be so sure of that - as a family we have been accused of not bothering with my elderly Grandfather, when in actual fact he wouldn't accept help from us but was quite willing to ask neighbours for help and then 'pay' them with extravegant gifts.

I would contact his family OP, and I really wouldn't accept the TV. Very difficult situation, don't envy you.

MonsterBookOfTysons · 05/08/2011 18:18

I would use the excuse that your ds is getting upset by you being given this tv, leaving you no choice but to say no.

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 18:27

valium I have spoken to his son's they love their Dad but have lost patience with him, he doesn't look after himself properly so they won't visit, he drinks so they wont let him visit them. They are not bad people at all, they've just had enough and that is from them.

His ex wife is still friends with him and visits regularly, still does his washing, so she will know tonight. He's told his siblings and he says they've said it was lovely of him.

I will feel guilty no matter what I do.

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Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 18:29

Magnificent You are absolutely right which is why I don't know what to do and haven't got much time left to decide. I hope the delivery is late.

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 05/08/2011 18:29

I do hope this isn't going to turn into another marathon thread mitmoo!!

The poor man has gone out of his way to do you a kindness and it would be cruel not to accept his gift in the spirit with which it is given.

I had a similar experience with an old chap who lived across the road from me (sadly no longer with us, bless him). He'd come out of his door and sing a song that contains that my christian name every time he spotted me, tell me and others that he wished he was umpteen years younger , and send me cards stuffed with cash on festive occasions and on my birthday because he saw it as a way of repaying me for helping him out now and again (he was housebound) and he prided himself on always paying his way in life.

He also saw it as a way of expressing his appreciation of our friendship, and I know exactly where he was coming from as on occasions I buy gifts for friends 'just because' and there is no ulterior motive involved.

At first I tried to insist that he take the money back - this led to some interesting encounters on his doorstep with me trying to stuff the dosh into his trouser pocket after he'd put his hands behind his back so that I couldn't stick it in his mitts, but even when I was successful it would simply come back to me in another card.

IMO every road should have a 'character' who is fondly regarded by all - treat your neighbourhood eccentric kindly and don't hurt him by refusing his generous gesture.

valiumredhead · 05/08/2011 18:29

I think the fact that he drinks is even more of a reason to to accept the telly tbh.

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 18:30

Monster my DS would tell him for me as I am a coward, he tells him I am out when he can see I am in. he's a bit of a rogue when it comes to this friend.

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Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 18:30

Valium I know everyone is right on this and that's the problem.

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DuelingFanjo · 05/08/2011 18:31

christ mirmoo, in the time you have been on Mumsnet your life has been so full of drama. How on earth do you deal with it all

2BoysTooLoud · 05/08/2011 18:32

Good luck Mitmoo.
It is a tough position.
As long as he realises there are no strings attached and that you will NOT accept another expensive gift in the future.. what ever you do for him- [save life etc!].
I think you are going to accept it aren't you.. hard not to.

Lindax · 05/08/2011 18:34

Totally inappropriate gift from a vunerable person who has feeling for you. YABU if you accept it.

Turn the delivery van away and he can try to get a refund (even if he did pay in cash).

TheOriginalFAB · 05/08/2011 18:34

Why does the fact he drinks mean she should take the tv?

valiumredhead · 05/08/2011 18:36

He doesn't take care of himself and drinks so much his family have given up on him. He doesn't exactly sound like someone who is making sensible decisions.

Original poster

Mitmoo · 05/08/2011 18:37

Izzy That is just how the other neighbours view it therein is the dilemma.

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