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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to insist that ex hubby's new gf meet up with me?

83 replies

philherup · 05/08/2011 13:45

they have been together for ten months though i only just found out about it a week or so ago he wants to introduce her to the kids as per our agreement in mediation he said he would inform me before it happened out of "courtesy" so he did and the kids came back rambling about how much fun they had with her and her kids etc.
i want to meet her, and asked her to text me so we could me up but she refused. so i asked for her number so i could contact her. again she refused saying that she would be happy meet up at the drop up for kids but she was not willing to meet up with me on her own for coffee etc.
i want to meet her so that i do not have the humiliation of bumping in to her at the park or something and want to get to know the person who will be seeing MY CHILDREN.
i have now insisted saying this is my bottom line that i do not want my ex to be there or the children there as this would be too difficult for me. she apparently says that meeting me for coffee would be a forced environment and would be awkward for her too. my wishes as their mother are more important as is my piece of mind right?
do i have a leg to stand on legally to say she cant see the kids?

OP posts:
mumofamonkey · 05/08/2011 15:53

i was the girlfriend who was made demands of exactly the same as these.
i felt it was out of sheer noseyness and that she was questioning the integrity of the father. yes she'll be seeing your children, and if things continue with them, then maybe you should ask if you could visit her and him at his, she' d feel less scruitinised.
i think expecting her to bow to your will is more than a little egotistical and APPEARS to me and possibly her that you are using your children's possible involvement with her as a tool for control.
for me this was all a number of years ago and i still fume when i think about it, this woman, put her own need for control and petty insecurities before the happiness of her own child by threatening to stop access if we did not bend to her rules, it made for a very difficult relationship, and i'm sure you don't want this woman to loathe the very mention of your name!!
our relationship ended, in part because of her. please don't make the same mistakes.

mymummyisasquarehead · 05/08/2011 15:55

Why would you want the children to stop seeing her? Your ex has done everything by the book as agreed in mediation. If you start adding things on willy nilly, then doesn't that make the whole mediation thing pointless?

If you trust him as a father and your kids got on well with her, then where's the problem.

I understand your worries, but it's probably best to let this one go.

QuintessentialShadow · 05/08/2011 15:59

I am sorry, but in insisting you meet for a chat, you sound both jealous and controlling. It is not a reasonable request, and it does not put you in a good light. Laugh it off and say "ok then, I will see you next time you and ex picks up / drops off the kids. Maybe we can all have a coffee together then". Or something.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 05/08/2011 16:03

YABU
meeting her for coffee is a bit forced and unnecessary. Would you expect your ex to be there too? It sounds pretty excrutiating. Surely meeting her to say hello to at first would be better, she can see you are ok and vice versa, and as time goes on your interaction will develop naturally.

madeindevon2 · 05/08/2011 16:18

Seems unnecessary to demand one to one meeting.
I have never met my husbands ex. And I have been with my husband for 10 years!!! I suppose the time will come......eventually.. She was at my husbands fathers funeral about 5 years ago and I know she saw me (made comments to others re my appearance) but I deliberately didn't want to see her so didn't set eyes on her at all. I was there for dh and dmil. Was a packed church too...

catsmother · 05/08/2011 16:39

My (now adult) son's father has been with his now wife for 15 years and I've never met her, though we have spoken perfectly politely on the phone on odd occasions to pass on messages etc. There is no NEED for us to meet because I had to trust that my ex wouldn't have placed my son in the company of anyone unsuitable - why the hell would he do that ? And if we had met ... then what ? What was I supposed to do, interrogate/interview her so I could assess her "suitability" to be near my son ? How humiliating and/or intimidating that would have been for her when my son had never said anything about her to cause me concern ? .... and if he had, I'd have approached my ex about it.

Similarly, my DP's ex "demanded" to meet me - in much the same manner as you're doing. No way ... this was after I'd been called every variation of slag you can imagine (despite meeting her ex 2.5 years after they split) and my son had been called a bastard. I can only imagine she wanted to meet me to have some sort of (pathetic) "go" about some imagined "crimes", and/or to glean more ammunition she could use when slagging me off in text messages, emails or on the answerphone the next time she wanted to sound off.

You should consider yourself lucky she's happy to say hello at pick up times because in all honsety I wouldn't even be prepared to do that with my DP's ex. By demanding to meet - all on your terms - you are effectively saying that you don't trust your ex's judgement. And what would happen next if you didn't take to her for some reason ? .... would you then demand your ex breaks up with her ?

Megatron · 05/08/2011 16:53

Another YABU from me I'm afraid. Of course you want to meet her and she doesn't sound like she has any objection to this at pick up and drop off times. But you are almost demanding her presence to assess her suitability for the 'job'. You need to be careful or you will earn the title of 'phsycho ex' before long and that's never good.

squeakytoy · 05/08/2011 16:58

again she refused saying that she would be happy meet up at the drop up for kids but she was not willing to meet up with me on her own for coffee etc

You should be more than satisfied with that. You have no right to demand she meet you one to one.

How about if you start seeing someone and your ex demands that he meet your boyfriend and they go out for a pint together? would you be happy with that. I think not, somehow.

You dont need to see her on her own. YABU.

hairylights · 05/08/2011 17:01

Yab totally unreasonable. They are HIS kids too and this isn't a flash in the pan relationship. You sound like a control freak.

whackamole · 05/08/2011 17:46

I don't see what the issue is really. If I was your ex's new woman, I wouldn't want to meet you either! However you rationalise it to yourself, to her all it's going to seem like is that you want to have a go and lay down a load of rules that she will be forced to agree to.

I have a DSS and met him about 6 months into mine and my partner's relationship. I was more than happy to meet her and did, at drop off time. I would not have made a special trip to be sounded out by DSS mum.

whackamole · 05/08/2011 17:47

Sorry, I meant I don't see why the OP has an issue.

YABU.

NattersAndMutters · 05/08/2011 17:56

You want to meet her, that is reasonable, and she has not made any difficulty about it.

But why do you want to meet her alone? Don't think that's been explained.

FabbyChic · 05/08/2011 18:22

My children were 7 and 2.5 when my ex got a new girlfriend, I never met her before she had them at hers overnight, why would I? I trusted his judgement with his children and he was right. They really liked her, she treated them with respect and looked after them better than he could have.

I allowed them to take them away for a week on holiday, they had a great time.

Original poster
philherup · 05/08/2011 19:27

i want to meet up with her alone so that i can discuss with her my childrens needs, one of them is sn and just to learn more about her. i will not be doing this in front of my children and i do not want to do it with my ex there as this will be very hard for me to see the two of them there together, that is why i will not agree to the drop off scenario either.
i thought i would receive more understanding from people here as i thought she would understand being a separated mother her self, obviously i was wrong.

OP posts:
AuntieMonica · 05/08/2011 19:29

but she is you exH's partner, not a complete stranger who has no idea about your DC.

please let go of this a little, you have been given a lot of slack on here so far, it could get a lot worse

GypsyMoth · 05/08/2011 19:30

we understand........but its not something that has EVER been enforced,so its down to personal choice. and she doesnt want to

your ex can explain the SN needs

you have no right to know anything about her,what do you want to know?

what is his contact schedule at present?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/08/2011 19:32

Be careful, OP, that you don't find yourself on the end of an Injunction. For some reason, you seem to think that your husband can't pass on the necessary information to his partner and that your input is needed. It isn't and it isn't welcomed either.

You can stipulate that you don't want to do it in front of ex, nor at a drop-off, but you have no powers to do anything other than what your ex's girlfriend agrees to. Please see sense and don't make yourself look ridiculous with this woman. You'll cringe later on and you still won't get your own way.

I think you've had some very good posts on this thread, very understanding - just because people don't agree with your stance doesn't mean that they don't have sympathy for you.

chicletteeth · 05/08/2011 19:32

Ok, not discussin in front of your DC for the reasons mentioned are reasonable so I understand that.

If it's to discuss your child's needs, honestly, why can't you do this on the phone? Why does it have to be face to face.

Surely the important thing should be making sure she has this information (if you feel it's important) rather than how you give it to her.

Your wishes as a mother in your OP are a red-herring I'm afraid, she's prepared to listen presumably but not on your terms.

It's hard to be understanding when it sounds so one-sided; I want I want I want

Birdsgottafly · 05/08/2011 19:34

OP they have been together for 10 months, you need counselling if you cannot move on and accept your ex being with someone else.

As others have said your ex can explain your DC's SN needs.

mrsravelstein · 05/08/2011 19:40

i can understand your feelings, but unfortunately that doesn't make it OK.

i met exh's gf at pick up/drop off, and he met my now-dh at pick up/drop off - ds1 had already spent a fair amount of time (weekends away etc) with both new partners by the time these meetings occurred. Nothing you can do about it, and it really isn't something there is any point stressing over.

I know from my own experience that it's not easy entrusting your child to another woman (especially if you happen to think your ex doesn't have particularly good judgement), but the sooner you accept that you have no control over what your ex does with the children when he has them, the easier your life will be. (I wish I'd realised it sooner)

Lifeissweet · 05/08/2011 19:45

I do understand, of course I do. I would be lying if I didn't have a twinge of jealousy and worry when my exH moved his girlfriend in, but I honestly don't feel the need to get to know her. She is not replacing me as his mother, I trust my ex to put his DS first, as he always has (he too didn't let her meet DS for about 10 months until he was sure it was stable enough). I am aware of how awkward me being around is for her too, so I try to make her as comfortable with the situation as I can. She has a lot to take on too as DS is profoundly deaf and signs, which she can't do. I'm not going to teach her, I will leave it to his father.

We don't own our children. The way I see it, the more different people around to give my DS love and perspectives on the world, the better. I'm his mother. I have a special place in his life and none of that will change because of a new woman living in his house.

mumofsussex · 05/08/2011 19:54

I'm sorry, I know that it may be difficult for you to see your ex H moving on but you do need to let go. You are starting to sound like a stalker

Vibrant · 05/08/2011 20:03

I get where you're coming from, but unfortunately you can't force the issue. I never understood why dsd's mum didn't want to meet me - I didn't have children and it would have been helpful to know a bit about dsd's routine and what she ate/didn't eat/said she didn't eat but actually did Grin. Her dad didn't really think about those sorts of things or think to ask.

She was having none of in - in fact she didn't want me involved full stop. But as the years passed and she mellowed towards me, it was immensely helpful that we all spoke to each other and I was able to support her when dsd was going through a difficult phase and vice versa - something that wouldn't have happened had we never spoken. And for years dsd was able to play us all off against each other.

Legally you can't do anything about it, nor do i think you should start insisting and causing bad feeling. Be open to it and let her start to form a relationship with you when she's ready. That's what I did anyway.

mayorquimby · 05/08/2011 20:53

YABU she doesn't want to meet you on your own which is perfectly reasonable of her.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 21:08

I understand that this person will be looking after your children some of the time, BUT your exH is also looking after them and he has given her his trust to do so. Hopefully their take on parenting is pretty similar or he wouldn't be with her.
I know it is really hard to let another woman take on this role especially if you don't know her very well.
However there is honestly nothing you can do about it.
You've got no power over this.
Just as your exH can't stop you introducing your future partners to your kids - and why should he, you'd be doing your best to make sure they were suitable kind people worthy of looking after your children with you.
I'm sure he's also using his judgment and she sounds okay from what the kids have said.
I know it feels wrong and it's horrible, but 1. you don't need to explain the SN to her, he can do that, 2. you're far more likely to GET these conversations with her and hopefully a good relationship along the way if you back right off, and 3. it doesn't sound like she is a threat to their happiness.

I've been in a situation where my child didn't see his father, and his father had married again and the new wife was NOT pleasant to his older kids.
So when the time came and the question of ds going to their house arose, I was able to say, look, your other kids don't want to be around her, she's really upset them, so no, you can jolly well come here and see him by yourself.
This worked fine for us - ex admitted she wasn't that nice Hmm and was happy to see ds by himself.
I was lucky, it could have gone horribly wrong.
But your exh's new girlfriend sounds far nicer. I bet you would get on Ok.
But you need to back off or she'll never want to try.

Hope that helps a bit.