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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to insist that ex hubby's new gf meet up with me?

83 replies

philherup · 05/08/2011 13:45

they have been together for ten months though i only just found out about it a week or so ago he wants to introduce her to the kids as per our agreement in mediation he said he would inform me before it happened out of "courtesy" so he did and the kids came back rambling about how much fun they had with her and her kids etc.
i want to meet her, and asked her to text me so we could me up but she refused. so i asked for her number so i could contact her. again she refused saying that she would be happy meet up at the drop up for kids but she was not willing to meet up with me on her own for coffee etc.
i want to meet her so that i do not have the humiliation of bumping in to her at the park or something and want to get to know the person who will be seeing MY CHILDREN.
i have now insisted saying this is my bottom line that i do not want my ex to be there or the children there as this would be too difficult for me. she apparently says that meeting me for coffee would be a forced environment and would be awkward for her too. my wishes as their mother are more important as is my piece of mind right?
do i have a leg to stand on legally to say she cant see the kids?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 05/08/2011 14:04

OP all you need to be assured of is that your DC's feel comfortable mentioning you around her. She does not have to be able to say that she has met you.

Their time with you is separate to their time with their DF, only merging where it has to, you do not have to have private meetings with her.

As time goes on your paths will cross possibly at family parties etc.

I agree with your ex if this is to become a sticking point with you, then he has the right to insist that this is discussed and got over via mediation.

AuntieMonica · 05/08/2011 14:07

i think it's the formality of your terms that your ex's g/f is objecting to. are all your arrangements for seeing/dropping off the DCs as formal too?

as PPs have said, they are his DCs too, and he has to be allowed to make decisions about who they see also.

Birdsgottafly · 05/08/2011 14:09

TBH you need to examine the real reasons why you would want to stop your DC's from being in her company when they had fun and she has been your ex's GF for ten months, just because you cannot get your own way.

northernrock · 05/08/2011 14:13

I don't actually think you are being totally U.
You just want to meet the woman who will be spending time with your kids, since you are their mum!
I dont think you necessarily need to meet her in a formal way, but I can understand why you feel like this.
I also think it's a bit daft for people to say things like "well the fact that exDP trusts her should be good enough for you.
I mean, no-one has ever had bad judgment when it comes to their sex life? Please.

eurochick · 05/08/2011 14:13

I think it's reasonable to meet the person who will be doing some of the childcare for your children. I'm not sure that it needs to be a formal one on one though. She's probably scared about what you might say or two in that situation. Can't you just say hi at pick up/drop off time?

yoshiLunk · 05/08/2011 14:16

OP, say if you and the DC went out with some friends for the day, or had a babysitter in, would you or the sitter or friends be happy with your exH insisting that he meet them alone without you or the DC for a coffee?

It would be unnecessary and a bit controlling wouldn't it?

GypsyMoth · 05/08/2011 14:17

So if reversed, you would all think it ok for the xDh to meet op new man?

bananasplitz · 05/08/2011 14:19

there isnt anything wrong with meeting as such, its demanding that she meets her alone for a talk. She could be a nutty psycho stalker for all the gf knows

yoshiLunk · 05/08/2011 14:20

Good point TIFF, I'm sure the op would insist that she would suggest it.

Personally I still think that a Hello and hand shake at drop off is sufficient.

In reality though I know that many NRPs don't get to formally meet whoever the RP chooses to hook up with, spend time with their children, or even move in with them.

rubyrubyruby · 05/08/2011 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahStratton · 05/08/2011 14:24

You know what. The best, most adult and civilised thing you can do for your DC is to do your utmost to maintain a good working relationship with your XH. To not fill their minds with poison or make sly digs. To encourage them to have a good father/child relationship and to be supportive of decisions he makes (unless they are utterly ridiculous).

I'm in no way saying you are doing any of this, but believe me, your children will remember how you and your X behave and you are both still in a position to form their relationship blueprints.

You have no need to meet his girlfriend. Just say hello when you drop off/pick the DC up. It will not be humiliating if you bump into her. It will be humiliating if you continue to behave in a controlling manner, as she will probably conclude that you are slightly touched.

This is about your children and their relationship with their father. Not you.

TheRealTillyMinto · 05/08/2011 14:33

i cannot see the point of the meeting. if you dont like her/dont think she is suitable to be around your DCs/whatever, i cannot see you being able to change anything.

i dont think there is anything at all wrong with feeling protective but you are making yourself look a bit odd and i cannot see it being good for your DCs.

porcamiseria · 05/08/2011 14:46

here is my thinking

they are with their FATHER, and you have to trust him on this, I think you are coming across as angry and neurotic on this.

I really get why you feel like this, but drop it for now

northernrock · 05/08/2011 14:47

Why does she have to automatically trust him because he is their father?

LolaRennt · 05/08/2011 14:54

I wouldnt like a stranger spending time with my children so I understand where you are coming from. Maybe you could send a nice letter explaining that?

GypsyMoth · 05/08/2011 14:58

She isn't a stranger..... The other person with PR knows this woman very well!!

It's not obligatory ( or law) for both parents to know everyone a child spends time with.

GypsyMoth · 05/08/2011 14:58

Northernrock.....she trusted him enough when they were together!!

bananasplitz · 05/08/2011 15:01

Why does she have to automatically trust him because he is their father?

the same way he has to trust her decisions with the kids when he is not about - thats what adults do

chicletteeth · 05/08/2011 15:01

If you were my husbands ex-wife, I'd tell you where to go.
You can't just summon the woman to meet up on your terms when and where you like.

Why can't your children be there, why can't your ex-husband.

Even if you hate her guts, there's nothing you can do about it.

spookshowangel · 05/08/2011 15:18

i am in a very similar situation except i am the gf. i have totally refused any one to one contact and she is simply refusing to listen and insisting upon it. its infuriating, kind of sad and makes her seem controlling and more than a little insane. she has demanded and then tried to emotionally blackmail and then threaten none of which makes me want to meet up with her.
i entered in to a relationship with her ex which over time included her children but that does not include her beyond the basics. i am of course sympathetic (though she is making it very hard) as a mum myself i am not going to love the fact that at some stage a new woman will probably come in to my childrens lives. but i also know that her and i are much more likely to have a nice relationship if i dont go demanding things of her that will ultimately make her unhappy and if it develops at its own pace.
cant help but feel op that like her meet this gf has actually little to do with the children and what not and all about a power trip.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 05/08/2011 15:21

You sound like a bit of a scary Mary tbh.

yoshiLunk · 05/08/2011 15:27

that's a bit Mary-ist

CurrySpice · 05/08/2011 15:29

So he did what was required of him by mediation (ie inform you) and you are trying to push it much further?

YABU you have no right to dictate to your ex who can or cannot see his children, any more than he has the right to dictate that to you

Cheria · 05/08/2011 15:31

YABU. I have no desire to mee up with DH 's ex, though we have briefly spoken on the phone. I wouldn't refuse but I really don't see the need. Can you not trust your ex's judgement on whether or not she is suitable to be around your childern?

GinAndWater · 05/08/2011 15:51

YANBU to feel concerned/worried/curious/anxious (delete as appropriate) about your Ex's new partner but YABU to demand to meet her and making such a fuss.

I hope your children are not aware of your feelings because they will think they can't have a nice time at their dad & partner without upsetting mum. Such a sad thing when they are forced in a position to please/appease one of their parents.

Put your children's happiness first; be positive about it and keep all those concerns for private conversations with your Ex.

I would be pleased they had a nice time and came back happy.

Good luck.