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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent DH's attitude to money? Sensible or penny-pinching?

122 replies

PaddingtonBearLondon · 04/08/2011 22:50

Two and a half years after our DD was born I still feel annoyed at my DH's attitude to money. At the time he insisted that we didn't touch ANY of our savings as they were all for a 'rainy day'. What do you think counts as a 'rainy day' when it comes to money?

My taking maternity leave meant our household income dropped by 70%. DH was also made redundant whilst I was pregnant but found a new job the month before DD was born. A 'rainy day'? Apparently not. So I went from being by far the main earner to not being allowed to touch any of our savings.

So I tried not to pay for anything other than essentials (mortgage, groceries, utilities and nappies) and gratefully made good use of freecycle. But I resented not being able to go out and socialise with other mums much (since being in small London homes they inevitably met up at cafes or had expensive days out Envy).

I realise that this would be the norm for anyone trying hard to get by on a low wage (and I'm sorry as this probably sounds spoilt to you) but it just seemed strange to me to be scrimping so much when we had about a year's worth of joint salary carefully saved up. Confused

And do you think it makes any difference who saved the money in the first place? As it happens I earnt most of it before we met but once we got married we shared it. Maybe I should just be grateful that he is a bit tight-fisted sensibly liked us saving and didn't spend it all on drink or whatever?!

I accepted his decision at the time as he was obviously worried about suddenly being the main breadwinner and I was no longer contributing financially but I think I could have enjoyed my maternity leave if I'd used a little of our savings. Our next DC is due in a few months and I plan to spend a little this time round Grin

Okay, rant over. I know I need to move on from this and stop resenting it but it still bugs me.

So, do you think he was being very sensible or overly penny-pinching? Honest opinions please!

Okay, I'm ready to get flamed for being a spoilt cow....

OP posts:
firstforthought · 06/08/2011 10:03

Tell him to stop being so tight! Even if you saved thousands and were miserable while your children were babies, what is the point?

I would not be happy about my DH having this type of control over me tbh.

fluffles · 06/08/2011 18:08

my DH and i have two separate savings plans - he has an endownment which was originally for a flat but is not required for that now as we're on repayment, and i have stocks and shares ISAs.
his endownment does not mature for a while yet so it is earmarked for our children's higher education (or to add to our retirement fund if they choose not to) whereas mine is for my maternity leave and reduction in hours due to childcare.
when i am on mat leave, we will work out a reasonable amount of 'spending money' to have each and we'll have the same - he'll spend his on lunches and coffees and bike magazines, i'll spend mine on tea and cakes Smile, anything purely for our LO (swimming lessons for e.g) will be separate.

Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 11/08/2011 22:12

You had plenty in savings before and you were planning to return to work again so methinks this is not exactly about security. You earn more and i can't help but suspect that he was using the situation to take some control. If he was so keen on saving, how come you were the only one with anything saved?

Countingwiththecount, He did have some savings but he's a few years younger than me and spent much longer in further education than I did (he's got far too many degrees for his own good LOL!). So he hadn't been working for as long as me.

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Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 11/08/2011 22:15

DH and I have had a few chats about money this week. He's beginning to realise that his savings' plan is unrealistic and I've realised that I need to be more assertive about what I need instead of trying to appease him and then resenting it later. We've come up with a few compromises that keep him feeling secure whilst giving me a bit more freedom.

Thanks everyone for helping me dig down into these issues.

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Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 11/08/2011 22:27

I also spotted a flaw in his savings' plan; if we were both made redundant we wouldn't need to pay for childcare. A fairly major difference to our outgoings.

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 12/08/2011 00:23

you need the support of being with some other mums even if it costs a couple of pounds.

skybluepearl · 12/08/2011 00:24

can you get the child benefit paid into your account so you can use it to enrich her life and yours as a mother?

marriedinwhite · 12/08/2011 08:52

DH and I have been together for over 20 years. DH is inclined to be very stingy and very careful and keeps little lists of his personal spending and there is a carefully controlled household budget, it happens to be the way he is and the number of times he has said "the fees are slow coming in at present so be careful for the next few months" and I have found out that he has made x000 on shares is ludicrous - the other side of it is that I have always known we are secure. He would love the set up you have although I have no idea about exactly how much he has stashed away and he's jolly lucky that I'm not a big spender. However, since the day we were married we have kept separate bank accounts and under no circumstances whatsoever has he ever been allowed to open my personal mail and check my personal bank account - and neither would I open his. You two need to set an overall budget and beyond that each of needs to have a little freedom. Even 15 years ago when I gave up work I had £5 a week from the housekeeping to "have" in my purse. You are working too I wasn't then - you are entitled to have an amount which is set aside for your personal use that he cannot question. And in future make sure you have a little stash of savings that are yours and yours alone.

BrandyAlexander · 12/08/2011 13:58

Paddington, I am glad you had the chat and what you say makes sense. My advice is to make sure you don't over compromise. It is often said that life is not a rehearsal and you only get one crack at it and that's certainly true here. Its great to be conservative and to ensure your security and we certainly subscribe to that but not to the point that we don't actually enjoy our lives. Best of luck.

trixymalixy · 12/08/2011 14:16

But paddington if you were made redundant, you probably would have to have childcare in place so you could look for work or can be available for work immediately.

Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 14/08/2011 22:07

But paddington if you were made redundant, you probably would have to have childcare in place so you could look for work or can be available for work immediately.

Tixymalixy, I'm a bit out of date (having worked for the same company for over a decade) but don't most professional jobs give you at least 6 weeks' notice?

I realise that it takes time, focus and energy to find and get a good job but do you really think it's a full-time process? I'm surprised - I'd have thought we could cover it between us?

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Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 14/08/2011 22:10

I'd have thought we could cover it between us? I mean the child-care.

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Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 14/08/2011 22:18

To be honest I think it's pretty unlikely that I'd be made redundant in the next few years. My company's had a tough time in recent years but has got through the worst of it, made big cuts already and has now announced two recruitment schemes.

Sorry to everyone in a less secure position.

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Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 14/08/2011 22:20

My advice is to make sure you don't over compromise. It is often said that life is not a rehearsal and you only get one crack at it and that's certainly true here. Its great to be conservative and to ensure your security and we certainly subscribe to that but not to the point that we don't actually enjoy our lives.

Wise words, thanks noviceoftheday

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AnnoyingOrange · 14/08/2011 22:31

It's all about balance isn't it?

It's prudent to have savings, but it's nice to be able to fritter away a few pounds a week on having a coffee with friends.

trixymalixy · 14/08/2011 23:19

Paddington, where I live there are year long waiting lists for nursery places, when I was made redundant we had to keep DS in nursery to keep his place, it wasn't about covering the interviews, but more about having childcare in place ready to start work.

Jackaroo · 15/08/2011 04:56

I think it's mostly be covered OP, but just wanted to say it's completely unacceptable for him to think he needs to "teach you a lesson" (unless you have some sub/dom thing going on, and I'm guessing that wouldm't include money issues)... my own DH is very very similar, but also brings home 95% of our (large) salary).

He also has listed all his spending on Microsoft Money every month sinjce he was 18, and even though he has not had time to do that in the last 4 yrs, still thinks this will make the money work better. he seriously underestimated me a couple of months in a similar way, and I made it clear that it was probably the final straw. I can cope with alot, but not being patronised (esp. when he wasn't managing our money particularly well).

If you don't get this in perspective now, you will continue to build up resentment. For me it took 4 years :-)

zipzap · 15/08/2011 09:56

Hope you pointed out to your dh that chances are you will be paying a lot more on interest for your mortgage than you are getting for interest on your savings and therefore your actions will have saved youore in the long run.

Does he already look at the moneysavingexpert.com website? That has some good ideas and budget sheets that if he is being really tight about things you could maybe use to juggle money to make savings painlessly and then use some of the savings for your benefit because you do need to enjoy life otherwise why bother? It's not like you are on the poverty line from what you have said in which case it would be a bit different. (following tips on MSE I managed to halve my home and motor insurance quotes plus get a new car for 50% off plus get lots of other little bits and bobs of savings)

MSE also has good figures about what to keep by you for a rainy day etc which would give more weight to your side of the argument. And I'm pretty sure that one of the things they suggest is paying extra on your mortgage if you can at the moment as savings rates are so bad! Obviously making sure you have other savings left for other stuff.

Definitely worth signing up for their weekly email so you can keep on top of good offers and savings too.

Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 16/08/2011 09:58

Does he already look at the moneysavingexpert.com website?

zipzap, Actually I'm the moneysavingexpert.com and Martin Lewis fan of the household!!

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Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 16/08/2011 10:02

Definitely worth signing up for their weekly email so you can keep on top of good offers and savings too.

I used to but was spending far too much time on the internet so had a big cull of most of my email subscriptions. (Errr... MN seems to be my new addiction Hmm How do people have the time?!)

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Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 16/08/2011 10:04

Anyway, thanks again everyone, I think I've got it all clear in my head now.

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Original poster
PaddingtonBearLondon · 16/08/2011 10:24

he spent much longer in further education than I did
he spent much longer in further higher education than I did

That was obviously time well spent if I can't even use the correct term!!! Blush

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