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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent DH's attitude to money? Sensible or penny-pinching?

122 replies

PaddingtonBearLondon · 04/08/2011 22:50

Two and a half years after our DD was born I still feel annoyed at my DH's attitude to money. At the time he insisted that we didn't touch ANY of our savings as they were all for a 'rainy day'. What do you think counts as a 'rainy day' when it comes to money?

My taking maternity leave meant our household income dropped by 70%. DH was also made redundant whilst I was pregnant but found a new job the month before DD was born. A 'rainy day'? Apparently not. So I went from being by far the main earner to not being allowed to touch any of our savings.

So I tried not to pay for anything other than essentials (mortgage, groceries, utilities and nappies) and gratefully made good use of freecycle. But I resented not being able to go out and socialise with other mums much (since being in small London homes they inevitably met up at cafes or had expensive days out Envy).

I realise that this would be the norm for anyone trying hard to get by on a low wage (and I'm sorry as this probably sounds spoilt to you) but it just seemed strange to me to be scrimping so much when we had about a year's worth of joint salary carefully saved up. Confused

And do you think it makes any difference who saved the money in the first place? As it happens I earnt most of it before we met but once we got married we shared it. Maybe I should just be grateful that he is a bit tight-fisted sensibly liked us saving and didn't spend it all on drink or whatever?!

I accepted his decision at the time as he was obviously worried about suddenly being the main breadwinner and I was no longer contributing financially but I think I could have enjoyed my maternity leave if I'd used a little of our savings. Our next DC is due in a few months and I plan to spend a little this time round Grin

Okay, rant over. I know I need to move on from this and stop resenting it but it still bugs me.

So, do you think he was being very sensible or overly penny-pinching? Honest opinions please!

Okay, I'm ready to get flamed for being a spoilt cow....

OP posts:
chicletteeth · 04/08/2011 23:35

Well it's not so much as YABU (although I fully admit I said that) it's just that, you never know what might happen so his attitude to money (at least as my life was two years ago) was a good one to have.

I see your point though and if it's a little expenditure, surely you don't have to justify it.

Myself, I bloody resent paying £3.50 in Starbucks (for example) but I appreciate that is your choice.

Nagoo · 04/08/2011 23:42

If I were you (and actually we are in a similar situation, but with less cash Envy :)) I'd set a maximum spend and tell DH that I was going to withdraw X amount that I didn't have to justify each week/ month.

You earned the money too and you should have a degree of say about when and how it gets spent. Compromise.

nothingoldcanstay · 04/08/2011 23:43

YANBU. You have a massive lifestyle change to contend with and you have also earned the money saved. Think he needs to reassess why you need to save the money and for what. What are the rainy days and how do people on less cope? I personally think coffee in a cafe is a rubbish waste of money (we went round to each others for "Baby Club") but spending on taking the babies out to local attractions and meeting up with other parents for an evening was cool.You can't take it with you and unless it's making you money then what's the point.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 04/08/2011 23:52
chicletteeth · 05/08/2011 00:01

Yes LRD. Bloody London and commuter belt in Surrey (depending on what drink you get of course).

It's just a flamin' coffee! I can afford it and I refuse to pay in principle

notlettingthefearshow · 05/08/2011 00:03

YANBU

You should enjoy maternity leave and taking your baby out is important. You should be able to afford the odd lunch in a coffee shop. Working full time, I often go for coffee every day. Cutting that down to a couple of times a week when I go on mat leave is about all I could compromise on. We earn the same and have always had separate accounts as well as joint. It's very important to me to be independent even if it's only a small amount of my own dosh! I have a feeling my DH will think it's a waste of money ('don't we have any coffee at home?') but we all have our own priorities. If you do free activities as well, emphasise how much you do for free, and how much you enjoy getting out.

sassyminder · 05/08/2011 00:08

haven't you applied for child benefit? you could use the £80 monthly for you and the baby

ninedragons · 05/08/2011 01:52

Possibly I am over-cautious but I do worry the global economy is going to shit!

And I am not a coffee drinker, so have a bit of a mental block on why anyone would pay 3.50 for one and not just have a Moccona at home or a Coke in the park. I appreciate this makes the coffee-gluggers want to throw rocks at my head.

ninedragons · 05/08/2011 01:55

A bit of me died inside when DD (age three) said to me the other day "Do you know what I'm going to do when I'm a grown up?"

Here we go, I thought.

"I'm going to have COFFEE with a PICTURE on the top, and when I stir the sugar the picture will go away".

I blame our very trendy babysitter.

Bubbaluv · 05/08/2011 02:38

You need to agree on how much savings is enough and what it's for exactly.
Once you have that saved you can put it into a higher intersted earning account or something and then assess whether your monthly income allows for a cappucino in the budget.

BrandyAlexander · 05/08/2011 06:05

YANBU. Something about your dh's approach gives me the creeps.

naughtymummy · 05/08/2011 08:10

YANBU op that is outrageous. I am so sorry you didn't enjoy your maternity leave as much as you could have because of it. Those days are so special. FWIW I ran up credit card debt during both my maternity leaves, on very much what you describe. Do I regret it? Not for a minute, did I pay it off once working again ?Absolutely happy days

FakePlasticTrees · 05/08/2011 08:21

I think YANBU - if your DH couldn't see that staying indoors with a baby all the time would be isolating he's incredibly stupid. He either doesn't get it or does and doesn't care about how horrible your life would be. Talk to him sensibly before the baby arrives, about what your individual budget will be on maternity leave, and how will that be funded.

You say you have a few months to go before DC2 arrives can you stop contributing to the joint savings and move that money into a private savings account? Tell your DH you consider £12k to be enough 'rainy day' fund, so you're making a fund for spending on you on maternity leave.

I would also ask him what he thinks a "rainy day" would look like - we have a savings account with enough to cover 6 months+ of bills and food - anything after that is up for being spent/moved into long term/pension funds.

FakePlasticTrees · 05/08/2011 08:31

oh and that separate savings account, make sure your DH doesn't have access to view the amount in it. It's none of his business what you actually spend it on.

hellospoon · 05/08/2011 08:34

Op, I can see both sides.

Yanbu to want to spend a bit of your savings money, afterall it is savings to pay for something you need.

Yabu re your dh, I can see what he is saying. We have no savings atall and whenever something goes wrong (usually the car) we go into a huge panic because we have no way of paying for it so we are always on borrowed money (usually my parents). if we had savings our lives would be so much easier and I think if we had them we would be quiet tight with them.

You should act as if your savings are not there, so live only on your income otherwise one day there will be nothing left, you could however mention to your dh you want to get a few bits for the baby.

Re adult company; can you not meet at parks or free places? Like another poster says above you could use the £80 child benefit to do activities with your dc. £80 is more than enough to go out and do something once a week.

hellospoon · 05/08/2011 08:34

Op, I can see both sides.

Yanbu to want to spend a bit of your savings money, afterall it is savings to pay for something you need.

Yabu re your dh, I can see what he is saying. We have no savings atall and whenever something goes wrong (usually the car) we go into a huge panic because we have no way of paying for it so we are always on borrowed money (usually my parents). if we had savings our lives would be so much easier and I think if we had them we would be quiet tight with them.

You should act as if your savings are not there, so live only on your income otherwise one day there will be nothing left, you could however mention to your dh you want to get a few bits for the baby.

Re adult company; can you not meet at parks or free places? Like another poster says above you could use the £80 child benefit to do activities with your dc. £80 is more than enough to go out and do something once a week.

MajorB · 05/08/2011 08:52

Just to check, does your dh have any hobbies/things that he likes to buy? If he's the type of guy that likes to see everything on spreadsheets you could try presenting him with one that demonstrates something like "in the average month you (dh) spend x on DVDs, y on socialising & z on your hobby. I will be taking x+y+z every month to spend how I want to so things are fair."

Obviously that wouldn't work if he's one of those blokes that does nothing & goes no where...

dreamingbohemian · 05/08/2011 09:03

I think the fact you weren't able to get a moses basket which is a pretty standard piece of baby equipment these days tilts the verdict toward 'overly mean'.

I would look at it this way: you are the one staying home with the kids all day, right? So as 'project manager' Smile you should be the one setting the budget for this. Of course you have to get your DH to sign on, but he should really be deferring to you unless you are going overboard.

If he likes itemised budgets, play along. Work out how much you want to spend each month on anything baby-related, and include a line for 'excursions' (a modest amount). Figure out a set amount you want to withdraw from savings each month to cover this. Then negotiate with him -- don't just take no for an answer, figure out what would be an acceptable amount.

I would be livid if I had saved up a lot of money and later had someone tellling me I couldn't touch it.

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 05/08/2011 09:09

My DH is super-careful with money, but he's also happy to talk things through and to come to a sensible agreement.

When I haven't been earning, he paid an amount into my account for me to spend as I liked. He never checked how I'd spent it.

As long as the bills were paid and the joint current account had money in it at the end of the month, he was happy.

Sometimes I wish he would spend some of our savings on things like a new car (he buys himself the cheapest car out, then runs it til you can hear it coming three streets away), but I appreciate his point of view on money, and respect his mature attitude to household expenditure.

Sit down and talk to him, let him know what you would like. Guys generally respond well to that! What they're not so good at is imagining what we would like!

weeklyshop · 05/08/2011 09:15

I can see both sides.

Your dh is currently taking responsibility for providing for the larger family alone. In the past he has lost his job and so the prospect of this happening again is very real to him and he worries.

You want to be able to relax a bit and enjoy your time at home. Realistically, you are going to have some expenses even if it's only bus fares.

It is immaterial who earned the money. Each contributes for the family as a whole.

I'd suggest that you sit down with you dh and go through all you outgoings and expenditure and then agree for each of you to have a certain amount go into you own bank accounts each month for you to spend as you wish no questions asked. This has worked very well dp and I and I'm the one who worries about money.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/08/2011 09:23

I don't understand why you are allowing your husband to dictate what you spend. If he wants to save all of it and you want to spend a little, why is it hisopinion that counts?

You need to tell him that you have as much right to a say over that money as he does and stop letting him control your life.

Yes, it is sensible to have savings, but at the same time, you only get one life so there has to be some balance.

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/08/2011 09:26

YABU. Your savings are now still intact and havent been frittered away on coffees etc. You'll be very glad of those savings if something bad happens in the future.

Why not put some change aside every week in a drawer somewhere so that you have some money for non essentials items this maternity. With that and your child benefit it would easily cover a few trips out and not all nice things cost anything.

niceguy2 · 05/08/2011 09:27

I think it all depends on how much you have stashed away for the "rainy day" and how likely it is to happen.

If his job isn't secure then naturally it is reasonable to hang onto the money more.

Similarly if you have a lot of savings in relation to outgoings then it's fine to spend a little.

To be fair I wouldn't class having a coffee morning with friends as a "rainy day" though.

asecretlemonadedrinker · 05/08/2011 09:33

I think YABU, sorry. Although, maybe set aside from wages/savings an amount agreed with you both for 'spending' - outings etc., but a small amount. I think your DH is thinking it should be used if you desperatly need to pay a repair bill (get a car back on the road, and this can be £1000s suddenly), a few months mortgage or similar. We have no savings, we spend what we get - if we get £500 one week, somehow we will spend it! I wish I had a DH like yours TBH :)

Collision · 05/08/2011 09:38

I agree with Karma!

Why should what he says goes?

Surely you are a team and if you are feeling lonely and isolated because you cannot afford to have a coffee with friends then something has gone wrong somewhere?

These small amounts can build up but surely you should be 'allowed' to have some cash to yourself to spend without having to account for it!

Remind your DH that you are a grownup and that if you need a new top or shoes then you will damn well buy them!

YADNBU