AIBU to resent DH's attitude to money? Sensible or penny-pinching?

[PaddingtonBearLondon]

Two and a half years after our DD was born I still feel annoyed at my DH's attitude to money. At the time he insisted that we didn't touch ANY of our savings as they were all for a 'rainy day'. What do you think counts as a 'rainy day' when it comes to money?

My taking maternity leave meant our household income dropped by 70%. DH was also made redundant whilst I was pregnant but found a new job the month before DD was born. A 'rainy day'? Apparently not. So I went from being by far the main earner to not being allowed to touch any of our savings.

So I tried not to pay for anything other than essentials (mortgage, groceries, utilities and nappies) and gratefully made good use of freecycle. But I resented not being able to go out and socialise with other mums much (since being in small London homes they inevitably met up at cafes or had expensive days out ).

I realise that this would be the norm for anyone trying hard to get by on a low wage (and I'm sorry as this probably sounds spoilt to you) but it just seemed strange to me to be scrimping so much when we had about a year's worth of joint salary carefully saved up.

And do you think it makes any difference who saved the money in the first place? As it happens I earnt most of it before we met but once we got married we shared it. Maybe I should just be grateful that he is a bit tight-fisted sensibly liked us saving and didn't spend it all on drink or whatever?!

I accepted his decision at the time as he was obviously worried about suddenly being the main breadwinner and I was no longer contributing financially but I think I could have enjoyed my maternity leave if I'd used a little of our savings. Our next DC is due in a few months and I plan to spend a little this time round

Okay, rant over. I know I need to move on from this and stop resenting it but it still bugs me.

So, do you think he was being very sensible or overly penny-pinching? Honest opinions please!

Okay, I'm ready to get flamed for being a spoilt cow....

Xenia, another answer is to take 6/9/whatever months and have a supportive husband. I have read before that you had your first child in your 20s whereas, I (like a lot of other women, especially higher earners) had mine in my 30s. I hear you say a lot that you took 2 weeks off maternity leave but my perspective is that you were at an entirely different stage of your career than many other women today having their babies (as they are having theirs later and later). So, in my case, I had spent many years in pursuit of academic and career achievements, had reached the top of my profession and could call the shots. I didn't have anything to prove to anyone at all by taking very limited time off and actually what was in my best interests was to take a few months off and spend that time with my baby.

You have savings which is great. But i feel YANBU to some extent. Household necessities are at the top of the list but it wouldn't hurt either of you to put a bit of pocket money for you for bits n pieces. I think he is being controlling with the money and agree with LRDTheFeministDragon.
So i hope your talk goes wells and hopefully he has lunch out at work every so often or a drink with the mates and sees that he is being unfair.

I don't think this is about money for the op I think it's about a loss of financial independence.

Can you both agree on a weekly budget for you to use on your socialising?

Yanbu

Wow, this thread's been busy since last night! Thanks everyone for your input and advice. I haven't got time to read all the replies this evening but I promise that I will over the next week.

I may be reading your OP wrongly, but it sounds as if you didn't really discuss this/didn't get your point across to your DH. Does he understand how you felt?

I had a good chat with DH last night. At the time he didn't fully understand how tough I was finding it being on my own with the baby because he was working really long hours to make sure he didn't lose the new job. As he didn't look after her on his own until she was 6 months old he had no idea before then what it can be like looking after a baby. Once I thought that he'd 'laid down the law' about not touching our savings I probably didn't make a big deal about it because he was so stressed about losing his new job and kept saying that he was worried about money.

He also said that he was effectively teaching me a lesson for making a financial mistake the year before. (I'd over-calculated my savings and overpaid our mortgage with what I thought was some extra money).

He says I hide things too well. I think it's being stoic and just getting on with what life gives you at the time without making too much of a fuss. You cope with whatever you have to don't you? Like doing night-feeds for a newborn when you're totally knackered - no-one else is going to do it so you just keep going don't you.

DH thinks this attitude is stupid if you then resent it later. But the trouble is, you don't know you're going to resent it until afterwards do you?

Think he needs to reassess why you need to save the money and for what. What are the rainy days

I think this is the crux of the problem. I feel that 9 months' salary should be enough. Ideally DH would like 12 months' salary.. Plus enough to cover boiler breaking down, roof leaking and car breaking down all at the same time. Plus another 9 months of my salary as I'd like to take 9 months' maternity leave. I can kind of see where he's coming from on that last one as our outgoings won't change much but it does grate whenever he says it - as if I'm chosing to take time off work to go off on holiday or something rather than to look after our new DC.

All of that though adds up to more than we'll have in savings when I start my maternity leave. Therefore he's reluctant to spend anything that doesn't HAVE to be spent.

haven't you applied for child benefit?

Yes, thanks, that goes in with everything else.

*A bit of me died inside when DD (age three) said to me the other day "Do you know what I'm going to do when I'm a grown up?"

Here we go, I thought.

"I'm going to have COFFEE with a PICTURE on the top, and when I stir the sugar the picture will go away".

I blame our very trendy babysitter.*

Kids say the best (and worst) things don't they!!!

Oops, forgot the other asterisk.

A bit of me died inside when DD (age three) said to me the other day "Do you know what I'm going to do when I'm a grown up?"

Here we go, I thought.

"I'm going to have COFFEE with a PICTURE on the top, and when I stir the sugar the picture will go away".

I blame our very trendy babysitter.*

Kids say the best (and worst) things don't they!!!

Sorry, being a newbie on mumsnet I haven't got the hang of pretty posts yet! Excuse that poorly copied reply above!!!

Bubbaluv You need to agree on how much savings is enough and what it's for exactly.

Yep. That's the problem really isn't it. I feel he's unrealistic in how much he thinks is 'enough' and I wonder, even if we got there, if the goal posts would move again.

I think there is something really really wrong if you have savings and dont have £2.50-£3.50 to spend on a coffee

Something about your dh's approach gives me the creeps

noviceoftheday, He's not really creepy, just a bit of a control freak. But I can be at times too. I'd readily acknowledge that he's better at accounts than me (whilst I'm better at many other things). I just think he's unrealistically conservative about savings.

You should act as if your savings are not there, so live only on your income

hellospoon, But whenever I stop working our income drops below our outgoings (I'm the main earner).

Just to check, does your dh have any hobbies/things that he likes to buy? If he's the type of guy that likes to see everything on spreadsheets you could try presenting him with one that demonstrates something like "in the average month you (dh) spend x on DVDs, y on socialising & z on your hobby. I will be taking x+y+z every month to spend how I want to so things are fair."

MajorB, Great idea. I'll see how much he spends on booze, DVDs and gadgets!

My DH is super-careful with money, but he's also happy to talk things through and to come to a sensible agreement. When I haven't been earning, he paid an amount into my account for me to spend as I liked.

EuphemiaMcGonagall, It seems like it the other way round though. It's like he thinks I'm taking too much time off from earning. I had 6 months off after DD1 and this time round I'd like 9 months so that I can breastfeed for longer (it's impossible to combine my job with breast-feeding before anyone suggests that!!!)

You are not a cash cow.

I know you love your dh and he may well be lovley in other (than money) areas, but you have needs and the right to have a life.

BTW, I obviously can't reply to every single post (and I bet it would be damned annoying for anyone reading this thread!) but I'm taking it all on board as I read.

I'll be back to read the rest of them when I get a chance. Night night for now.

As an aside, you are the main earner and therefore contribute more to the house and the savings, ergo you should be getting a say on where the money goes, not being TOLD where it goes and what it is for when you earn it.

That is unrealistic.

"He also said that he was effectively teaching me a lesson for making a financial mistake the year before. (I'd over-calculated my savings and overpaid our mortgage with what I thought was some extra money)".

Yuk, this is really creepy. Why should you be taught a lesson? OK, so you made a mistake, but the money went into your mortgage, not on anything frivolous. You are clearly bright enough to realise it is best to be a bit more careful with figures the next time. Why should you pay penance for getting confused when paying down debt?

Meanwhile, money or not, hope you can find a wider group of Mum friends this time around, or maybe speak up about money being a bit tight and suggest meeting somewhere free? Will probably be a big relief for some. Once someone has the courage to mention that money for endless overpriced coffees may not be about, surely some will follow?

I completely agree with Fabby.

And the whole 'teaching you a lesson' thing is not making the creeps go away. You overpaid the mortgage, it's not like you blew it all on crack and porn.

If you want nine months, take nine months. You are more likely to resent it if you don't, as opposed to regretting it if you do.

He may simply be more cautious because he earns half what you earn. Sums I spend (and I'm very careful with money) might seem a lot to someone earning half what I earn. In my long marriage we did not argue over money despite my earning more as we both had a similar attitude to it. I have always had a lot of confidence I could earn a lot more in future too.

Money is one of the biggest causes of arguments amongst couples which is why pre marriage classes always get into it in a big way so people know what the other person is like.

At one extreme you have the Benny Hills (I think he earned a fortune, spent nothing and lived in a tiny tiny flat). At the other you have the huge mass of "living on credit when I hardly earn a thing" British populace. Most people want to be somewhere near the middle.

Someone wisely said above if you cannot agree then simply put a third of the spare money when you work into savings or more if you need it and give each of you half of what is left so spend or save as you choose.

In a 40 year career two blocks of maternity leave are not going to have a major impact. I chose not to take any for our 5 but even if I had I would not have thought it significant in the grand scheme of things long term.

The other interesting point is his comment about not being a mind reader (or that's what he meant), which lots of people say about their spouse. Those of us who keep our heads down and get on with things even when they are difficult rather than being the I cannot cope, save me moaners tend not to get sympathised with.Iit's just how it is. But I do think it's worth making it clear to a spouse how things really are. My way to deal with it was just to ensure we both always worked full time and got back to work full time right away. We always had a deal that if the childcare didn't work out he would give up work - his idea because he earned less and it never came to that. You certainly have spread risk well by both working and at least he's found another job.

Also I wouldn't worry about over paying the mortgage. It's generally regarded as a good thing rather than bad. You are much better off having much less in savings earning tiny little % in interest than paying off mortgage debt. You can always remortgage later. Financially you probably were making the better economic choice even if my mistake by paying off debt than keeping all these rainy day savings this cautious low earning man seems to want to have.

OP, anyone controlling creeps me out, hence the use of the creepy. 123Namechange is right, you are not a cash cow but your husband is treating you as such. If he wants to be more financially secure then he should go and earn more money rather than putting pressure on you to do so, because that is effectively what he is doing. It's all very well for him to be a control freak but not to control you. I don't want to over egg this here but going through the accounts once a month and account for the pennies, stipulating what you can and can't spend money on
and teaching you a lesson is exactly the behaviour that control freaks (also known as abusive people) display. Lovely as he is, I think you're accepting some odd behaviour as normal.

My IFA says that we should keep 3 months gross earnings in cash for emergencies - this is all emergencies not the ridiculous doomsday scenarios that your dh is describing. We don't keep 3 months gross (so 25% of annual joint income) because we live well within our means so we have another test which is that if it all went wrong and we were both out of work for a year then what would be the essential costs? For us, this comes out to a much lower number, 10% of gross income. This is what my super conservative dh is comfy with. In contrast your dh is insisting you keep 100% of income and basically requiring you to earn your mat leave pay before you take the time off. That's just twattery. As someone else said you really need to go through your expenses, think about what's essential and how you would cost cut. Eg If I lost my job I would switch to Sainsbury's Basics rather than Taste the Difference range so I know my grocery bill would probably halve.

You sound like a smart woman, and I am shocked that you're saying you're no good at managing the accounts. Really? What would you do if you were single? From my own real life experience (parents), I have learned that I would never ever hand over financial control to anyone else. I know I am rubbish at DIY and happy for dh to do that to his heart's content, but no, money is way too important to say "I am no good at it".

As Xenia suggests, dh and I regard our money is joint and divide it into 3 pots. 1. Household bills (we both pay into the joint account but I pay in more). 2. Joint savings - some are in our own names (eg isas, bank accounts, savings), some in joint names (bank account) and savings for the kids). 3. Our own money. After 1 and 2 are sorted out we each have roughly the same amount to spend as we please, no questions asked.

Do not be forced into taking less time than you ideally want to for maternity leave. You will never get this time again and if its important to you, prioritise it as a rainy day because its an exceptional event....this is what savings are for.

OK - the child benefit is yours. Not yours both. That needs to stop straight away. I spend mine on DD's clothes but then I have my own pot of money each month as per Michaela's example.

Teach you a lesson? What are you? Five? OK, so you made a mistake but it overpaid the mortgage, the money's still there - it's not like he came home early one day to find you surrounded by cocaine and Jimmy Choos.

You need to tell him, not ask him. I don't often tell DH anything but when I do he knows I'm serious. Just say "I need some spending money to get out of the house. It's utterly unacceptable that you're trying to run my life in this way. This is our money, not yours"

I also suspect you would do just fine managing the accounts, and your DH is reinforcing the sense that you wouldn't so that he can justify having complete control.