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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder if Facebook makes far more people miserable than happy.

80 replies

wigglybeezer · 04/08/2011 12:36

I have a facebook account; it is quite handy for keeping in touch with far flung friends etc. However, I must be turning into a miserable old bag because I find it increasingly hard hearing about others triumphs (with the exception of new baby photo's, I enjoy those!) as I end up feeling bad about my life and choices.

Present angst is caused by holiday photo's as my carefully planned holiday contained a few incidents that, while not ruining things for the kids, led to DH especially getting very tired and stressed when he really needed a break. My friends, in contrast seem to have had amazingly wonderful times, judging by the hundreds of lovely photos posted.

I also find it difficult when achievements (this week it is exam results) of clever talented children are joyously proclaimed. My lot are a mixed bunch academically due to assorted special needs but I would feel uncomfortable listing even their fancy dress prizes!

If I post on Facebook I tend to try and be funny in a self deprecating way, tell me I'm not the only one?

I can't bring myself to step away.

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 04/08/2011 18:17

I hate face book.

And if only people thought before posting on there, espeically photos. I have seen some truly awful holiday snaps of people I know on there - I will be they don't know they are up there.

I have told my kids if the post anything with me on there, I will disown them.

InstantAtom · 04/08/2011 18:24

If people post nice things about their lives it doesn't mean they are boasting or not "real", even if others interpret it that way. Some people just don't feel the need to moan or make the difficult stuff public.

superv1xen · 04/08/2011 18:37

i think it can breed resentment and jealousy

and i do think people use it as a popularity contest. ie, having public conversations with friends about cool things they have done, or fun things they are planning, so other friends, (who weren't there or haven't been invited) can read about it

people should remember that it is just a snapshot (as others have said) people are not going to post about the shit or boring stuff (well actually, some do on mine :o )

MarshaBrady · 04/08/2011 18:41

I have avoided fb completely and am happy not to be on it.

I realised how other people viewed it when a friend came over for an afternoon and put up 20 shots of me, the children etc. And others on nights out. I opt out of all fb photo shoots now too. Take your own family to fill up your pages.

Saw the movie on the plane though, liked that.

Original poster
wigglybeezer · 04/08/2011 19:25

OP here, the posts that are making me feel insecure are from people who are also good friends and very nice people in real life, I honestly think they don't realise how they come across sometimes, they are not the type to overanalyse (unlike me!). I hear their moans in real life occasionally but somehow the medium of facebook seems to distort and magnify my reactions to the differences between us. I need to toughen up a bit. I think it reminds me of playground politics, which I could never get to grips with.
I would never post a pic of myself!

OP posts:
MamaMary · 04/08/2011 20:08

It is playground politics.

The problem is, you might not post a pic of yourself, but others will, and you have no control over it. I hate that aspect of it.

My friend has 500 friends. She genuinely knows them all - has met them all at least once - and they're not business acquaintances or anything. But that's pretty unique.

superv1xen · 05/08/2011 07:35

The problem is, you might not post a pic of yourself, but others will, and you have no control over it. I hate that aspect of it

oh yeah i hate that too Angry

emptyshell · 05/08/2011 08:20

I nuked the worst of my compliments trawler friends (sadly real friends from school who got utterly sucked in to needing 26 people to validate thir lives and wave virtual pompoms in joy at every decision) - including the one who would post stuff like "I love my hubby who's just made me tea"... and get him immediately to reply with "you're so special you're worth it" and it would go on and veer into "honeybunnkins"... "cutesypie"... "supersausagesnookumsIloveyou" territory very very rapidly. All done for public show and her gallery of hangers on clicking the like button.

It's all front-show, it's all a selected edited highlights package of people's lives and the bits they CHOOSE to show - surely you'd choose to show the holiday photos of the kids smiling nicely on the beach and not the 3 hours of them bickering in the back seat of the car doing the "are we nearly there yet" thing... they all do the same.

I'm very very selective about who I add, I nuke people who are going to post things I know I'll find distressing for myself or just annoying - I even reject requests from certain family members if I don't particularly want to deal with them - no one is obliged to add anyone on FB and I think a fair few people forget that.

fluffles · 05/08/2011 09:56

i've just set my school 'friends' to not see my wall... in case like so many people here i'm annoying them by having a life and sharing with my real friends.
personally i just 'hide' people i want to stay friends with but not read about regularly.

TrillianAstra · 05/08/2011 10:01

Facebook is just a tool.

If anything is making people happy or miserable it is other people.

chimchar · 05/08/2011 10:19

i cancelled my fb account...i was spending too much time on there, and often it made me feel shit.

the thing that swung it for me was that it just can't be deleted...i was creating an online diary of my life, (complete with miserable bits!) and i don't want to do that for all and sundry to see, and until the end of time....

i looked at a pic of my dd on my dh account. i went to click "like" and it allowed me the option of saving it, which i did...it went to my photo album on my phone. the thought of other people being able to nick photos of me/my kids/life etc is really worrying, no matter how high my security settings.

i am missing it a bit with regards to seeing friends photos etc, but on the whole, i'm feeling much better about myself. Smile

HPonEverything · 05/08/2011 10:25

TBH I only bother with facebook for the games, I couldn't care less about what's going on in people's lives and I don't really like people knowing about mine so I rarely post on there unless it's a funny video of a cat or something I think is good observational humour but probably isn't

But even the games wind me up now and I wonder about what else I could be doing. I don't think I'm too many months off deleting it either.

twinklypearls · 05/08/2011 10:29

I use Facebook as we moved away from our family and friends.

I think it can exaggerate the feelings that you have anyway. I went through a phase just after we moved when we were having a lot of money problems and I was very lonely. Facebook made me feel even more that way. I deleted a few people who were endlessly posting about their luxury holidays, five star restaurants and nanny. I realised later it was my problem and not theirs and I apologised to them.

Now my life is quite fabulous and Facebook reflects that. Some of my postings may look boasty and I have MN friends so they can be the verdict on that . But if you knew my back story you would know how amazing it is that we gave reached that stage in life and if I want to have a virtual "boast" so be it.

Bumblequeen · 05/08/2011 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblequeen · 05/08/2011 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

doncaster1 · 05/08/2011 13:53

I am starting to get frustrated by the copy and pasted, mother, father. cancer type posts. As someone affected by all 3 issues it upsets me seeing these types of posts.

superv1xen · 05/08/2011 14:41

Superv1xen- I agree about the competitiveness. If You were with a group of friends It would be rude to discuss social plans with a selected few yet it is tolerated on FB. If I want to contact an individual on FB, I send them a message and do not post on their wall for all to see

exactly, it can lead to people feeling left out, ie look everyone at this fun thing we are planning, and guess what, you're not invited!!

also the tagging of people in statuses, ie "superv1xen can't wait for X night out with Xfriend, Yfriend and Zfriend" it annoys me, i don't know why Hmm although i sometimes do it

greygirl · 05/08/2011 15:09

I am trying to turn my facebook page into a ponce fest - I only write my updates i Haiku now. No-one has noticed I should add.
And I am only writing about the banal, (no photos, no names, no dates) to highlight how dull Fb can be. It is entertaining me.
I take what everyone else says with a pinch of salt - those with a life don't post often, and those with no life post all the sodding time. i pity them (but smile at the effort they invest - unlike me of course with my stupid haiku rule). and i like a lot of photos, so that people feel that i care.

greygirl · 05/08/2011 15:10

*updates in haiku

honestly sometimes I can spell!

and by 'like' photos i mean i click the thumbs up button. people who post a lot are always pleased to have support.

janelikesjam · 05/08/2011 17:15

AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON MUMSNET WHO IS NOT ON FACEBOOK AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT. :)

A friend offerred to come and show me how to set up a (very) basic account next week. But I think, now, I'll give it a miss.

purpleknittingmum · 05/08/2011 17:32

I was on fb a few years ago but kind of knew I wouldn't be keen, and came off after 2 weeks. Went back again when my daughter went on it. Tried to get into it a bit more than last time but find it annoys me more than me enjoying it

I only have about 25 friends, my updates are probably extremely boring for most people but constantly reading about yet another holiday being booked (will admit to jealousy there but found it annoying!!) general piss ups was getting on my nerves. So, I have hidden the 5 holidays a year auntie and am rarely going to post anything, and will just look every now and then.

When I rejoined my brother and his girlfriend got on my nerves within 2 days so deleted them (didn't know you could hide at that point but I think they still would have gone!) My husbands sister kept asking me for a friend request which I have never accepted. Friend requests from ex colleagues I didn't like when I worked with them so why am I going to add them now?!

and breathe!! :o

Bumblequeen · 05/08/2011 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

superv1xen · 06/08/2011 19:07

haha someone on my fb just posted this

Welcome to Facebook, the place where relationships are perfect, liars believe their own bullshit & the world shows off they are living a great life; where your enemies are the ones that visit your profile the most, your friends & family block you; and even though you write what you are really thinking, there is always someone that takes it the wrong way. Re-post if you agree!!

its one of those annoying chain statuses but in this case its very true :o

purpleknittingmum · 06/08/2011 19:12

That is definitely true superv1xen!

Forgot to put this the other day, I also don't like the 'like' button. Only ever done on pages to view things (like the MN blankets) never photos or comments, as it is a big lie! I apparently liked something when I didn't and so did my daughter and she wasn't even online at the time!

YouDoTheMath · 06/08/2011 20:48

In my experience you can categorise Facebook status updates, and people often fall regularly into one category:

The infinitely upbeat types
The constantly seeking sympathy types
The air the dirty laundry types
The self-deprecating types
The live-out-every-detail-of-life types

I am sure there are more...

But either way, you're only seeing the bits that people wish to show you. Personally, I tend to put either amusing or self-deprecating things (and never anything too personal) because there are people on there who I don't wish to know details of my life, i.e. colleagues, whose friend requests it can be awkward to ignore, iyswim!

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