to hope that this man leaves his wife for someone nicer?

[FigsAndWine]

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2022098/Could-live-man-whos-let-When-Basia-met-husband-slim-ballooned-love-began-shrivel-away.html

What a horrible woman.

I have also told my partner that if he ever thinks I'm getting fat and he's in danger of no longer fancying me, I want him to tell me so that I can do something about it. That is far preferable than him leaving me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

My DH is gorgeous but when he's carrying the last extra stone he loses his jawline and lovely face and is miserable, he loses weight gets complacent and puts it back on. I tell him that I'm not happy with him fat, that I don't desire him as much, if at all.

Exactly.

It must work because we have been married twenty years .

What marriage would it be if one person didn't want sex with the other because of how they now looked?

Still fancying each other is really important.

"let's do something about it to make us both healthier and started cooking healthier and lighter meals"

And you think this is a genius of an idea that nobody has ever thought of?

What would you propose when, an hour after eating said healthier and lighter meal, your DH sits down for a second dinner of his own, composed of toast bread, butter, ham, cheese, jam, and sometimes even Golden Syrup? And if you stop buying ham and his favorite brand of cheese, he raids the closet and gulps down DC's snacks for the coming week?

I have also told my partner that if he ever thinks I'm getting fat and he's in danger of no longer fancying me, I want him to tell me so that I can do something about it. That is far preferable than him leaving me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.

I'm exactly the same.

Some of the responses here are great. Any thread with a husband saying anything remotely close to "you're a fat grotesque ugly pig" would bring out the villagers and their torches.

The name-dropping in the article grates a bit, but I don't think she's being completely out of order. DP has gained a stone and a half in the last year and while I still love him to bits, I don't find the extra gut particularly sexy.

I was very glad when his insurers told him the other day to lose 10% of his body weight in the next 3 months or compromise his healthcare cover. He'll be healthier afterwards, I'll fancy him more, and it doesn't have to be me nagging him . Why is this such a dreadful thing to admit?

Exactly, mayor.

Bizarre.

Look at her though! She looks like an old grannys head on a 9 yr olds body.

I am just at how many people think that it's absolutely fine to insult your partner!

A while ago, DP and I both put on a stone or so (I went up to a size 14 - I'm 5'8"). We both agreed we'd got a bit chubby, and we ate healthy low GI stuff until we lost the weight. But if he hadn't wanted to, and had carried on gaining weight, I'd have told him that I was concerned about his health, and if he continued to get bigger, I'd have told him that I was no longer finding him attractive. If he chose not to act on that, then ultimately that is his decision, as he is an adult and can make his own choices. If I didn't want to sleep with him because I didn't find him attractive, then I'd tell him how I was feeling. I'd expect the same in return.

But I would not insult him, make jibes about his weight, and endlessly nag him, and I wouldn't call him a grotesque fat pig or repeatedly tell him that he's ugly.

If I had so little respect for someone that I could speak to them like that, then I would rather leave them than carry on in the relationship, frankly. And if anyone spoke to me like that, they'd be out on their ear.

Manatee have you been telling your DH that he's ugly, and to look in the mirror and see how ugly he's become? Have you called him grotesque, or a gross fat pig?

a second dinner of his own, composed of toast bread, butter, ham, cheese, jam, and sometimes even Golden Syrup?

That has made me sooooooo hungry [slavvers]

walllis said "I think this woman is spot on. Asking him nicely didn't work and now he's trim and they are both happy."

Words fail me. I'm not suggesting that you just accept your partner getting fatter and not say anything to them if it bothers you.

I am saying that it is unacceptable to insult and belittle your partner, and be proud of it. It's called emotional abuse.

I think the things she said to him were really nasty and must have been very hurtful to him, even if he hasn't admitted as much to the DM.

She is proud of her behaviour and has no concept of how she is coming across in this article - as a cruel, shallow person. She should feel shame to admit publicly that she was embarrassed by her husband (whose only 'crime' appears to be that he put on too much weight for her liking). If I knew this woman socially, I'd avoid her in future having read this.

I agree that a person might feel less attracted to someone whose appearance radically altered since they met, but even so, there are ways of going about things and this is not the right way.

He is thinner now, and yes, he is happier with his appearance. But it has been made very clear that her love is not unconditional. he is obviously a successful businessman and the time may come where he meets someone whose values are not as superficial. If he gets a better offer, people will have little sympathy for her.

She sounds awful. A name dropping, superficial Sloaney socialite.

Poor man, perhaps he started eating so much as a comfort whilst being married to her [Funny how the weight gain started after they got married]

And it reads in the article as if her initial and foremost concern was feeling embarrassed by him at all the fabulous parties they went to

It almost sounds like an afterthought that she was concerned about his physical health.

TBH she looks the type who would be very focused on physical appearance. She looks a regular user of the old botox, plastic surgery and hard core exercise program.

I wonder if some of her feelings of repulsion is actually somewhat due to her insecurities with her own appearance - whilst she focuses on him she can feel superior to him and thus better about herself?

Actually I didn't think he looked repulsive at all... Fat yes but not ugly.

She however looks awful [imho]

he looks unhealthily skinny in that photo of him (2nd one down, labelled "Before: When Basia first met her husband she said he was was athletic, a superb horseman and, at 6ft 2in, only 13st"

Exactly karma.

Cote said "What would you propose when, an hour after eating said healthier and lighter meal, your DH sits down for a second dinner of his own, composed of toast bread, butter, ham, cheese, jam, and sometimes even Golden Syrup? And if you stop buying ham and his favorite brand of cheese, he raids the closet and gulps down DC's snacks for the coming week?"

Have you talked to him about it Cote? What does he say? Does he want to lose weight? Is he obese, or a bit chubby? You can't force someone to do something they don't want to; it has to come from them. When he eats the DC's snacks, who does he expect to replace them?

Booty I agree with every word you've written. Shallow, image obsessed and clinging on to her faded youth with her manicured fingernails.

nickelbabe I don't think that is a 'before' pic actually though, because she looks the same surgically enhanced primped and preened as she does in the last pic. She looks vastly more natural in the first one where he was fat.

If this is true then the woman is awful but I doubt she actually said what they say she said, just look at this as an example of DM 'interview'.

I'm genuinely curious about one of your comments Figs.

Given that self-esteem can be inextricably linked to self-image, I'm wondering how your advice "If you don't find them attractive, tell them so, but without insulting and undermining" works in practice.

What words would you use to convey this message?

ah, i see.
he looks healthiest in the bottom picture, though.

have to say, i thought her grinning face was quite eerie.
kind of witch like.
or like her eyebrows have been stapled to her hair, too high.

izzy it's a really hard subject to broach without hurting someone's feelings; luckily I've never had to do it. When DP was getting a bit of a belly, I wouldn't have dreamed of saying anything; firstly, he was well aware of it himself, and secondly, I was putting on weight too.

But if DP had continued to put on weight and seemed unaware of it or just not to care, I'd start with gentle hints centred on me ("I'm feeling a bit chubby and unfit, do you mind if we eat more healthily and do a bit more exercise for a while?"), then if he didn't want to do that and was getting fat to the point where his health were compromised, then I'd address that; "You know that I love you regardless of how you look, but I'm starting to get concerned about your health. How do you feel about the weight you're at now?". If he got fat to the point where I felt repulsed by the idea of having sex with him, maybe I'd say something like "You know that I love you regardless of how you look, but I'm finding it harder to fancy you when you're carrying such a lot of extra weight".

The short answer, izzy, is that I don't know how I'd phrase it, but I sure as hell wouldn't do it by calling him ugly and a grotesque fat pig.

My ex got fat, too.

it wasn't the getting fat that bothered me, but his general attitude to it.
He would eat something he considered healthy for his tea (not healthy because he never had all of the food groups in it), then he would spend the evening eating crisps and chocolate.
he used to do cycling, and he stopped doing that.
he would drink too much, which didn't help.

then he would go to get new trousers and always be the next size up.

he totally hid his head in the sand, and wouldn't listen to reason.

I would phrase it as he was eating unhealthily and he should have a better dinner so he wuoldn't need to snack later.
he would respond that he had an apple and a banana for lunch so he was making up for it with that.

actually, all of this wouldn't have bothered me at all if he didn't make such a fuss about my weight - which was perfectly fine, because I did exercise 2ce a week, but he couldn't get to grips with the fact that my body shape was changing because i was getting older (my weight didn't increase)

See in those circumstances nickelbabe (if he was disparaging about my weight whilst getting fat himself), then I'd probably be quite a bit more blunt!

i was a little bit.
but i left him for someone else, so, not all bad

(wish i'd done that years ago!)