To think it's too late to change anything and I've wasted my life and all my daughters lives

[Poweredbypepsi]

Speaking to my daughter today (6 years old) she told me that when she grows up she wants to "just look after my babies like mum". I have never done ANYTHING with my life, I did very well at school and went to a decent university again did well the first two years but by the final year was pregnant with dd and it sort of took a back seat I passed but only with a 2:2. ( was history degree).

I got married to dh settled down, had three more children and am now expecting our 5th ( first 4 planned this one not).I am 27 now. I have helped dh set up his business and secure his career but done nothing myself. No jobs nothing.

Now I am pregnant we have multiple preschool children, I have no work experience, my degree isn't good enough to do any postgraduate courses and I wouldn't get a student loan to do another undergraduate course even if I didn't have childcare to worry about.

I followed in my mums footsteps SAHM ( although she died when I wa 17). And when my first daughter was born I did have a part time shop job but my dad and family made me feel so crap about it (not dh he doesn't mind what I Do) I quit. My dad was always saying "part time worker is part time mother".

Now I have 3 daughters well could be 4 I don't know what my current baby is yet and I have passed on low expectations to them.

I can't see how I can change this now dhs job means he isn't available pretty much any day ( the business is still young takes up alot(!) of time so I jus don't see how I can do anything else now.

Aibu to think I can't change things now?

I wanted to be a nun when I was 6, so these things can change

You have got time on your side and plenty of scope to find out what you want to do and to research how to achieve it. Maybe some careers counselling might be the way to go. I think it would be hard to get onto a PGCE with a 2:2 these days (but bloody well done for getting it under the circumstances anyway )

You seem to have hit a raw nerve in that posters think you are criticising their choice to be SAHMs. Actually, it's your life and your choice and maybe SAHM isn't for you. You really do have a lot of options though kids limit your career choices whatever age you have them. You can actually be a fantastic role model to your kids by showing them that you are adaptable and resourceful.

You are still young.

I wanted to be a street cleaner when I was 6 BTW!

You can retrain later, or anyway, when you have grown up children and grandchildren all around you you will see that you did not waste your life.

I have only read the first page but my brother started to retrain as a doctor in his 30s and is currently working towards being a surgeon. As I'm sure many people have said, we'll ALL be working longer, so retraining in your 30s is possible - my aunt, who had been a SAHM became a lawyer in her late 40s and retired as a senior partner in her middle 60s. So, at 27, you have plenty of time!

I have four children and have just given up my career because I have decided that for the moment, being the best mother I can be is more important than being ok at my job and ok at being a parent, which is what I felt was happening. I personally need to do one to the best of my ability, and juggling nannies, house, family, husband etc meant that everyone was suffering, not least me. So don't beat yourself up, and just enjoy being the best role model you can be for your children at the moment, and think about retraining when they are at school.

I'm guessing your daughter wants to emulate you, trying on your clothes, liking what you like, doing what you do. In a few years she'll want to be independant and do everything differently. SAHM is just a detail of who you are and the example and values you show her. You can talk about different careers and lifestyles and what other people - friends, neighbours, folk on tv -do and how they got there.

Who knows what we'll be doing in years to come but for now, let's do what we're doing to the best of our abilities. Feminism is about having choices isn't it? SAHM is as valid as any other. You've plenty of time to do other things later if it suits you.

As a parent the choice is always to be either a 'good example' or a 'dire warning'. If you're regretting your choices and think you're becoming the latter, then do what you can to improve your future, & at the same time make sure you foster a sense of ambition & independence in your DDs. Give them plenty of opportunities not to make the same mistakes you feel you've made. That's how most of us operate.

I would take what your DD said as a compliment! You're obviously a good mum or she wouldn't see you as such a role model.

And as so many others have said, 27 is young! I didn't get onto my chosen career path until I was 30, and being older than all my just-from-university colleagues has only ever been an asset.

At 6, I think I mostly wanted to be a ballerina. Things change.

And as many others have said, you have loads of time to have a career in your 30s. Start thinking about it now and if you don't want to stay at home for ever, get some reliable contraception sorted so you don't have an accidental 6th a couple of years down the line to stymie your plans.

I've done things the opposite way round to you - at 34 I'm only just having my first child because I wanted to get a degree, have a career first, all that blah.

When my child is 6 it will see me 'raising babies' (assuming there's a DC2 or even 3!), possibly working part time for a company or on my own, but regardless I won't be the full-time career girl I was in my 20s and my child will see me as a mum first-and-foremost. It's no different to your situation even though I did things the other way round.

I envy you in many ways as you are still young enough to do it all, in hindsight I wish I'd had children first and then done the career thing but hey ho you can't change what's happened just look at the positives, you have 5 lovely kids and can still achieve whatever you want!

Poweredbypepsi - I can see where you are coming form but its not really an AIBU question.

I used have 4 degrees and used to have a career. None of that matters now and I dont regret I gave up my career to share childcare with DW and we sort of fell into the work we now do together. It wasn't really planned that way though. I could not go back to my old career though because time has passed and no one would have me now.

Life has a habit of intruding on best laid plans but you seem to have followed the path you really wanted though. You seem to like having children around and bringing them up. You would not have had 4 on purpose if you hadn't and you dont seem to regret DC5 either. You did have DD1 at University on purpose so a career cannot have mattered to you that much. Life seems to be EXACTLY what you wanted. You are so lucky!

As so many others have said you are still only 27 and I wish we had had our children much younger than we did. You have so much life ahead of you and young enough to really go for it in your mid 30s when your DCs will be much more independent.

Now our DSs are older and more independent, I am about
to start a new business alongside the thing me and DW do together. When your DCs get older you might do the same and especially if your DH has a well established business by then. You might even want to join him and work together like me and DW do.

Why is it 'his' business instead of 'our' business?

If you feel that looking after five children well isn't enough, why don't you get more involved there and work towards making it fly.

I think the reason some posters are reacting without gushing platitudes is because the OP has the life so many wish they could have.

Many people are bound to only having one or two children due to money issues. The OP and her husband have managed to have 5 (nearly), while only one of them does paid work AND they're not even 30 yet.

Plus, OP has 35ish years to build the career she wants when her youngest goes to school, having been able to SAH with every child until that time.

This is the stuff of dreams for many people.

Maybe it is "his business" becuase he is the one who actually undertakes the work involved? I hate it when I hear people talking about what their OH does as a business or career as if they are somehow involved in that. (unless they actually are obviously). It's like when people are married to someone who has a sucessful career and they feel they are also sucessful. I don't get that. They aren't. The person they are married to is.

i thought the same when i had my dds age 27/29 felt i hadnt done anything i wanted, didnt even go to university.

by the time i was 35 I had an MBA, professional qualifications in HR and a management job. just changed career to get a better balance and am working part time lecturing at a college and will start studying in sept for a teaching qualification.

the way i did it was to write a big list of reasons why i couldnt and then underneath wrote BECAUSE I WANT TO. and decided that my needs were right up there with everyone else.

Just as a caveat, I'm not suggesting they have it easy, and I'm sure the DH works very hard etc.

27 is still so young. I had my children in my 20s and now at 35 I'm just about to apply to go to university to do a degree and train to be a teacher which is what I always wanted to do, but for various reasons couldn't do when I was younger. You have loads of time ahead of you to decide what you want to do and to go for it. I can't actually believe i'm going to go to university for the first time aged 35 but am so excited for my future and kids are ridiculously proud of me. Your future is what you make of it.

You're 27, as others have said that is very young. You really can do anything you want, and you have plenty of time to do it. Maybe not right now, when your children are so little and need you at home, but once they're in school and starting to be a bit more independent.

And you haven't done 'nothing'. Not many 27 year olds have a lovely family like yours, and a family business (which it sounds like you've had input into at the start, as well of course as running the home and caring for the children so your DH can focus on it). It's surely no bad thing that your little DD looks up to you and sees you as a role model, and it doesn't at all mean that she won't be able to make her own choices in life when she's older.

Have you talked to your DH about how you feel, and possible future plans? It will help a lot if he's supportive of you.

Gah, and obviously the OP works hard with 4 young kids and 1 on the way. Usual MN caveats, basically.

Slacksally- doesn't it prove the point though, that its easy to look at other peoples lives through Rose tinted specs and assume its all perfect? The point is, any set up has upsides and downsides. Yes, I agree that on the one hand the op seems fortunate to have been able to plan 4 kids (the first while still at uni!) and to be financially supported by a man who is willing to be sole provider. But the downside of that is that jts left her at 27 feeling low in confidence and that she hasn't achieved anything in her own right. I'm not saying she hasn't btw- just that's her perception, its what feels real to her. I think catgirls point is extremely valid- again, not necessarily relevant to the op, but its true that many wives of successful high earning husbands just end up being an appendage - they may end up doing a couple of hours a week helping out with admin, but in reality it is the husband who has created the business. I admire the op actually for not simply jumping on that, and realising she is her own person and that she can have a successful career in her own 'right.
I still keep thinking, gosh, 27- it really is very young still! In the ops shoes I would make a 5 year plan. It doesn't have to go into every detail, but I think she may feel a lot more confident if she has a basic plan to get where she wants to be in the next 5 years. And she should absolutely ignore the put downs from her father about working mums. You have to remember that previous generations didn't have the opportunities available to them that we have today, and that can often lead to resentment.

you haven't wasted your life. you have dedicated it to the most important job in the world and you have clearly done a wonderful job which has inspired your daughter.

Success or otherwise in life isn't necessarily measured by academics or salary. be proud of yourself.

Why is it low expectations to have 'just' raised happy children? IMO that is the most important job there is. And the most valuable, certainly to your family. It's all I have done with my life, and I am proud of what I have achieved.

I think CrossWordAddict has hit the nail about self-esteem.
Can you see this OP, after all your father did work but did he help your self-esteem with his comments? No.

It is not about doing or not doing paid work but what messages you give to the dcs about themselves, life, other people.

If you had higher self-esteem you would have taken your dd's comment as a compliment and it would have given you a

27 Pah ! I didn't go to Uni until I was 30. Now at 43 I am still studying part time for a Post Grad qualifcation, enjoying a great part time career and looking forward to setting up my own consultancy when kids are both in school.

I sense that you are down in the dumps and lacking in confidence but YABU to think that all your life choices end at 27! If you could find space for doing something you enjoy in your life or studying a subject that your interested you never know where it might lead

Poweredbypepsi your daughter wants to be like you when she grows up. This means you're doing a great job of being a mum. You're only 27, you have ages left yet! No suggestions as to what you could do, just pointing out that what your daughter has said is a good thing.

If you were 27 and had a PhD and an MA and all of that malarkey, you would be thinking why haven't I got children, is time running out, have I wasted my life? And there would be plenty of people only too happy to point it out to you.

Trust me on this.

As someone else said, you will be 33 when your youngest goes to school. I know plenty of people who started postgrad study at that age. To be honest, the older student the better the work, in many cases. Mature students know what they want, they have learned to organise and prioritise and they know exactly what they want to leave behind, or what they have given up, to enter postgrad study. It's the same in the world of work. A 2:2 is good enough to get you into postgrad study, onto a PGCE, or into a job.

Your ability to study and work lasts until retirement - your ability to have children does not. You really, really, shouldn't panic.