To think it's too late to change anything and I've wasted my life and all my daughters lives

[Poweredbypepsi]

Speaking to my daughter today (6 years old) she told me that when she grows up she wants to "just look after my babies like mum". I have never done ANYTHING with my life, I did very well at school and went to a decent university again did well the first two years but by the final year was pregnant with dd and it sort of took a back seat I passed but only with a 2:2. ( was history degree).

I got married to dh settled down, had three more children and am now expecting our 5th ( first 4 planned this one not).I am 27 now. I have helped dh set up his business and secure his career but done nothing myself. No jobs nothing.

Now I am pregnant we have multiple preschool children, I have no work experience, my degree isn't good enough to do any postgraduate courses and I wouldn't get a student loan to do another undergraduate course even if I didn't have childcare to worry about.

I followed in my mums footsteps SAHM ( although she died when I wa 17). And when my first daughter was born I did have a part time shop job but my dad and family made me feel so crap about it (not dh he doesn't mind what I Do) I quit. My dad was always saying "part time worker is part time mother".

Now I have 3 daughters well could be 4 I don't know what my current baby is yet and I have passed on low expectations to them.

I can't see how I can change this now dhs job means he isn't available pretty much any day ( the business is still young takes up alot(!) of time so I jus don't see how I can do anything else now.

Aibu to think I can't change things now?

Career not cared

Thanks for replies!
Scurryfunge I do actually have a role in the business at the moment, when it was first set uo it was because dh had depression and lost his job and we were pretty desperate. I became a sort of project manager and had to baby him through each step of each project as he has got better my role has been less and less because now he has other people to do those things. So that role won't be around for much longer.

I do actuall really enjoy being at home, I love having a large family as well I love the fact that we do things in bulk (the line of clothes basket with tomorrow's clothes in makes me smile inside!). Before the conversation with my daughter I haven't really been unhappy - I have of course occasionally wondered "what if?" but not enough to really worry about.

I dont know why her saying that has upset me but I have been unwell latelyr (was in hospital on a drip on the weekend because the pregnancy sickness is so bad this time) so perhaps I'm just feeling the effects of repeated pregnancy now.

I always wanted to be a nurse so I suppose this is something I could look into when my children are in school.

My dh has suggested another ou course I did a physics and maths course about two years ago (I only did half of the points needed for the actual degree but I did enjoy it althgouh I found it hard so not sure this is where my talents lie! As I don't think I would have managed the second half:) )

I could look into something like that.

Thanks for your replies I feel a but less pathetic now.

You're 27 not 67!

There is time to do so much more if you choose to.

So let me get this straight. You have a degree, are in a sucessful marriage, have 5 beautiful children and are in a position where you don't have to work? All before your 30.

And you think thats somehow a failure?

Agree with NormanTebbit (and I dont say that often!), I have a lowly 2:2 which hasnt stopped me doing postgraduate study with the OU. I am two thirds through a masters degree in a subject very different from my original degree.

You are in your 20s, what you are and do now is not written in stone. Once your children are starting at school you will also be able to move on. That can be a very strong role model.

Pshht. You are 27. You have been clever enough to put yourself in a position where you can start you career safe in the knowledge you do not need to take a break to have children as you have done that bit. Once you are ready to start a career you can go at it whole heartedly, whilst a lot of your female colleagues will be taking a "pit stop" in their 30's to have their children. This actually gives you a bit of an advantage IMO.

A LOT of people don't sort their career out till the late twenties mark and most of them haven't had children so may still need to factor that in.

You have a good degree and a family. Even if you decide to leave the career and concentrate on your family - well no one wishes they spent more time in the office on their deathbed. 5 children is a great achievement.

Stop it moaning about what you haven't done and either change it or accept you are happy with what you have done and don't change it. Your choice.

I have been very ill & re-evaluated my life.
To me the priority is to be healthy & content. You are very lucky to have lovely children.
Ignore your dad - go back to your PT job if it gave you a sense a self-worth.
27 is still very young - I know women of 50 who have just completed nursing diplomas!
Your daughter is at the age where most girls love dolls, babies & pink so try not to worry :-)

Your daughter obviously admires you, and so do I cos I probably would go off my rocker with 4 pre school kids to look after.

I bet you do an amazing job, and like everyone is saying, you have loads of time to figure out what you want to do.

You are probably a bit freaked out by this unplanned baby. Five is a lot of kids, and It sounds like you are feeling trapped and a bit depressed, which can make you feel that nothing will ever change for you.

Don't waste these early years beating yourself up about what you could be doing. They will go so fast, and you WILL move onto a career plan, if that's what you want to do.
Maybe talk to dh about how you are feeling. Don't bottle it all up, because I really think you sound quite down and you need his support.

banana, she's just having one of those moments where she's unsure of herself. Don't you have those sometimes? Give the poor girl some tea and sympathy.

I echo cocoflower.

Just to give you a concrete example of the fact your life is not over.... My amazing MIL has six children albeit spread out over 20 years. However she has reshaped her career roughly every ten years to go with the flow of life, she was 20 when she had her first and a SAHM for a long time but then she had a cake decorating business, also helped her husbands business, then after ten years retrained as a pediatric nurse and now she is looking to start teaching adults, so you still have lots of options open to you. Hope the pregnancy improves. Maybe find a hobby which makes you feel creative or more than "just a mum". But at least take satisfaction in the fact that you are doing an excellent job of one of the hardest jobs around!

By the way OP - I work 3 days a week in a job that has required a lot of training and professional qualifications....

My DD1 (4.5) told me the other day when she grows up she wants to be a princess, hello kitty or a mummy....I really wouldn't read too much in to what your 6 year old told you.

I think you are fortunate to be able to sah and if you are enjoying it there is no reason why you should be having to even consider other options as others have said there is plent of time.

The first thing to remember is that you are currently doing the most important job of your life and try to enjoy it, isn't it fab that your daughter appreciates what you do so much? Plus you are educated and have a loving husband! When your 5th baby starts school you will be in your early 30's, since you will have to work until your late 60's that will give you 35+ years.
I would suggest looking around in a year or two for some voluntary work. If you have time now, and you would be amazing if you did, what about the local Advocacy service. I did this as a sahm and found it very rewarding. Most of the work is done from home on the phone/pc I am sure with the experience you have setting up your husband's business you would be ideal. If you haven't come across them they provide services for people with difficulties living in the community. I supported a young woman with learning difficulties helping her manage money/utilities/accomodation/work/benefits/healthcare, essentially you just act as a 'voice' for them and protect them from any misunderstandings/discrimination.
Finally I retrained as a teacher when I was 41 and at 49 am an Assistant Head. Having a career when your children are older is often much easier as employers know you are settled plus you have acquired all the skills needed to run a family.
Stop knocking yourself and start patting yourself on the back. Your daughter's comment is proof you are an amazing mum and if in life you have to do one job really well that is the one.

OP at this age many children want to be what they see everyday. When i was a nanny most of the children i looked after said 'when i grow up i want to be like Laquitar and play with children and take them to the park'. Years later none of them have become a nanny . Same with those who go to Nursery, they probably idolize their favourite nursery nurse.

Your children will change their mind 100s times until they are 18. BUT what you can teach them for now is to stand up for themselves and to be confident whatever they do and not to put themselves down. Btw 4 young kids with a dh who works long hours plus helping dh with his business is 'doing a lot' .

In 5 years time when your youngest starts school you will still only be 32.

There is plenty of time for you to do whatever you want.

I am actually quite shocked by your post. You are only 27 fgs! Your dh is obviously a pretty successful businessman that you could plan to have 4 children at such a young age and have one parent at home full time. So financially you are in a better position than many - though I appreciate that its not finances but personal fulfilment you are talking about.

Tbh, I think its understandable that having gone to university and got yourself qualified but never having worked, you're now at the point of evaluating your life and wondering what next. Obviously if you are pregnant, it limits what you can do right now, but you can certainly plan for a few years time when most or all of your kids will be in school.

You mention that you wouldn't be able to get funding for another undergrad degree, but frankly I don't see why you need one- yes, it might be quite enjoyable but its a luxury. You would be better off following some sort of vocational route, training for something where you can follow a career. Most of us are likely to be working until we are 70 so you have decades ahead of you!

I got a good degree from a good university and until I was 27 farted around doing temp secretarial jobs in London - I'd say you've achieved a great deal more than I had at that age. I really only got into what I wanted to do at 27, then moved to New York and got a job there, had my first dc at 35.

For the last six years I've been working freelance when I can, but spent half of that with my babies. The youngest is about to start nursery and I will increase my working hours - again freelance - so that I can do more (I do enjoy having something outside family to do) but be there for the children too.

I have a good friend who had her children young and got a full-time job when she was 33 (her youngest was 6), started a whole new career.

Work and family is always a juggling act and when the children are small they need you more. As they get older, you can start thinking about a career again. Whether you do kids first or job first doesn't really matter, ime - you just do what you need to do at the time. The time with your children will go so fast, I'd say just relax into the fact that this is sahm-time, and know that you will have the opportunity to do something else as well later if you want to.

I'm also aware that my boys are seeing me in a traditional domestic role while dh goes out to work, but I do talk to them about that and point out that daddy also does a lot at home when he's here, and that I work too, and in some families it's the other way round.

A bit rambling I'm afraid, but essentially my point is that you've achieved so much already, you can be proud of yourself. And you have so much time to do other things with your life. The grass often seems greener, but be aware that this is where you are right now and and enjoy it. And be patient; new experiences will come in due course.

(And in the meantime, you can still show your daughters that there's more to you than your role as a mother - let them see you doing a hobby, or talk to them about other things you're interested in/passionate about.)

I can understand where the OP is coming from (although I have less children and no degree). I had a good job, I married young, helped support my DH to get qualifications and started on his career and business, gave up my job when we had our first child, I was 22, since then I have dipped in and out of DH's business, now I am embarking on my own business. I can talk the talk when I speak to friends/family about it but bottom line is I am absolutely terrified. I have really valued my time at home and wouldn't have wanted it any other way but the fact still remains that over the last 13 years my self confidence has diminished. I have found comfort Reading the posts here and will try to hang on to the fact that 35 is indeed not too late to start again, in fact I'm still a young thing!

I don't think you should see it in this light. You're bringing up children and devoting all your time and attention to them which is a totally valid choice. I think its sad that you see this as a negative. If you want to return to work, that's also perfectly valid. You are young enough that you can think about retraining/easing into work via part time work or volunteering. If you think hard about what it is you want to do and devote some time to it and accept perhaps that you may have to do some unpaid work to get into a field you like there is absolutely no way on earth you can't have a career. Meanwhile you have done the bulk of your child-bearing at a young age and aren't facing the fertility issues that dog a lot of women having kids for the first time at my age. You sound very lucky, tbh, and I think its a case of trying to see your life more positively. Don't mean to be trite because I realize this may not be as easy as it sounds. If you need help to do this get some. But from where I'm sitting your whole life is ahead of you.

Poweredby pepsi You sound a bit depressed and suffering from low self-esteem.
Maybe you need to do something outside the home just for yourself. Good luck with the baby and try to plan to do something as soon as you can. Have a game plan if you see what I mean. Don't let your father put you down. Men can be *** at times can't they? I bet he loves you underneath it all.

Hi Pepsi - I am a uni lecturer in a humanities subject, and you know what - it is VERY common for women to come back into education in their mid-thirties these days, or their forties. I have at least 10 students out of about the 80 I teach regularly who are mums with primary or secondary age DCs.

If you want a career change, it is absolutely possible. I think you are right to be realistic about your 2.2 - it is a respectable degree, definitely, and takes work to get, but you likely won't get onto a postgrad programme or a PGCE with it (at least IME - have just this spring had two students turned down for PGCEs after they got 2.2s).

But that doesn't matter, necessarily. You can do a different degree. Maybe think hard about what you want to do and see what qualifications it requires. Plan to start doing the initial qualifications in a couple of years, perhaps - will you need to do a Foundation year? Another A-level? Even if it takes time, if you were to start doing initial qualifications at age 30, you could move onto a new degree (maybe f/t) by the time you were 33, and be qualified in a new profession by 36 or -7.

That is plenty of time. You have all the world before you. And then you will show your daughter that women have options, which is really the point :)

P.s having re-read your op, I've picked up on your comment about passing on low expectations to your dds. I think you need to work at countering this, if you feel you genuinely are.
Surely in the 21st century the message we all want to give our daughters - and sons- is that caring for children is a very pleasurable and valid thing, and isn't gender specific- ie it's what mums and dads do. And equally having a job or career can be enjoyable and fulfilling- and is also a necessary fact of life for most adults. Your dd is only 6, and will probably say one thing one day and a different thing the next, so I wouldn't stress about it. If she grows up genuinely believing that the only option open to her is being a sahm, or indeed that she will partner someone who will be happy and able to be the sole earner- then I agree, there is a problem. You want her to grow up with realistic expectations and to get herself equipped to earn a living. But on the basis of what you've said, this was a one off comment and you are over - thinking it all

You are 27, there is still SO much time. I would second all those recommending the OU but also there is now a bit more choice than that. Distance learning courses are becoming much more common and are available from a range of unis so it's no longer the OU or dodgy distance learning colleges which promise a well-paid job in IT after 6 months study! There is a company called RDI which runs some of these courses, definitely worth a look: www.rdi.co.uk

And chill, it is NOT a platitude to say you have achieved an amazing amount at a young age :)