To think that greeting people with 'how are you?' is stupid when only 'fine' or 'very well thank you? is an acceptable response?

[LizzieMint73]

Am I the only person that hates 'how are you? or similar as a greeting? It seems that fine or good or well is the only acceptable response which clearly is not always going to be the case, but if you say anything else you just get an odd look - this is obviously a social nicety that's gone completely over my head What is wrong with 'hello'?

Eg, Yesterday the supermarket checkout kid greeted me with 'how are you today?' to which I said Um, I've got toothache, which was the truth as I had the most horrendous toothache, backed up by the purchase of the strongest painkillers available in the supermarket, accompanied by a small pile of comfort food. He wouldn't have looked at me more shocked if I'd said 'I've just murdered my entire family and I'm here because I've bloody run out of bin bags and bleach'

So AIBU in responding such an enquiry with something resembling the truth (well as much as I want to reveal to a nosy stranger*) or should I just lie and give a bland fine/good/well?

*When did it become acceptable for checkout/bank staff to feel the need to interrogate customers on how they are/what they are doing today/what they are spending the money they are taking out of the bank on? I'm sure this is actually some stupid customer service 'policy' from their employers rather than the staff themselves to spontaneously make the enquiry but I don't want to have to discuss details of my life with a stranger - why would they be interested anyway - I don't want to know about what they're doing later or what they spend the money they earn in said shop or bank or details of their health and wellbeing!

usualsuspect, are you in north Derbyshire/Sheffield area? I lived round there for a bit when I was younger and I still rather miss being greeted with 'Eh up me duck'.

Yep, another autist who can't be doing with pointless social niceties. If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question.

As a science & engineering type (ie borderline autistic) this kind of smalltalk always seemed pointless and confusing to me and I said as much to a friend who is a humanities lecturer. He explained that it was 'Phatic Language'.

mkay...

OP YANBU. I find 'how are you' often doesn't actually mean that, it's just said as routine.

If people (outwith close friends and family) ask and I'm not OK I usually reply with 'do you really want to know?' I love seeing peoples reactions to that.

YAB a bit U. It's just a standard response, anything to the effect of "I'm not fine" comes across a tad unhinged, unless the person you are talking to is not a stranger, in which case say what you like.

It confuses me a bit in the States though, in my experience every time an American says "hey, how are you?" and I reply "fine thanks, how are you?" I get a very weird look, which leads me to believe I have said the wrong thing.

Nottingham is " ey up mi duck" territory too. Either that or "ow you gooin' on all riiiiiiight?"

OP, I'd say chillax. But it would probably annoy you.

I've just started training for a supermarket job and they are very big at the moment on being 'natural' - i.e. having a bit of a chat with customers. To enrich their shopping experience, or some shite.

So I see myself probably doing the 'hi, y'alright' thing, but actually would love it if someone responded honestly to it. It would be a bit different (although possibly excruciatingly awkward if the reply was "No I'm not alright, I've got terminal cancer").

Thinking about it, even if I was asked 'How are you/You alright?' by an actual friend, in a sitting-down-chatting type situation, I would never just come out with "Shit, my life is awful". I'd either lie and say I was fine or preface it with "I'm good thanks". "I'm good thanks, just X Y and Z are getting me a bit down".

Our society seems to be uncomfortable about hearing about/expressing actual suffering. We'd rather just say "I'm fine thankyou" and channel all our rage into moaning about the weather, the government, and the state of public transport.

corrie my DM originates from a tiny South Asian village and the standard greeting there was always "have you eaten" and if you answered "no/not yet" then there would be a long exchange where they would invite you to eat at their house and you would politely refuse, lasting for quite a few minutes.

Was fascinating to watch.

Oops forgot to say OP YABU, I do get slightly irritated when asked that but always just respond with a "fine thanks, how are you" if it's a stranger but will launch into a full on moan/rant if friends or family. So it depends on the circumstances.

FWIW I would rather be politely acknowledged at the shops than completely ignored

Sorry, I DO hold doors open for people, I DO have good manners, but ANYONE who asks me "How are you" IS going to be answered truthfully. If I'm having a good day or a bad one. What on earth is wrong with 'good morning' or 'good afternoon'. That was MY standard greeting when I worked on tills. I only ask "How are you" to someone if I am interested in knowing how they are. Therefore, I can't see why someone would ask me how I am if they aren't interested in actually knowing! Why would you ask a question if you don't care about the answer? To me that is rude!

Lloyds bank telephone banking is god-awful for this, trying to have a full bloody conversation with you when all you want to do is transfer money from one account to the other or something. I'm phoning an 0845 number from a farking mobile, I don't want to explain to you what I'm going to spend my money on or if the weather is bloody good or not. GRRRRR

PuppyMonkey - I'd forgotten about 'how you goooin'

I love that, makes me smile every time and it's usually said with such warmth by those living in that area.

Right, I'll use that from now on instead of the southern clipped 'how are you'

:)

So haven't been brought up with this being a 'social nicety'. Probably because no-one in my family 'does' small talk like that!

youarekidding - I have taken to doing that a lot, as well, asking "Do you really want to know?" If the answer is a perplexed look, or a face, or a muttered "Not really", then I and say, "Well don't ask then"!

Family history made me think of the customs I grew up with. In Germany, the handshake reigned supreme and I'd still prefer doing that now I think.

Probably because you're 'forced' to actually engage with the person you're greeting even if only briefly.

The how are you's I mostly encounter now are extended by shop assistants, work colleagues, friends etc 9 times out of ten are extended while the 'asker' is looking in every direction but mine and merrily engaged in some task so it feels dismissive from the start.

Add in the confused 'what'? and puzzled looks when I say 'fine, how are you' and the whole thing seems doubly pointless.

:)

My standard stock response to this at work now is "surviving the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune"

I started when I was going through a rough patch and wasn't prepared to lie and say "fine", people who were genuinely interested would then engage in a conversation, the rest would just laugh and carry on.

I now use it all the time - just kinda got into the habit!

etyksm, I LOVE it! Wish I'd thought of it.

It does all seem pretty pointless. Am in Asia so I also get the "have you eaten yet" greeting. The best response is "yes, thank you".

My preferred greeting is "good morning" or "good afternoon". Polite and cheerful but not personal is how I like it.

Equally strange is the farewell "see you later", when you know you won't be seeing someone later. What is wrong with "bye"?

YANBU. There are plenty of other ways of making chit-chat.

"How are you?" is fine if a) you know the person and b) you are actually interested in the real answer.

Otherwise it's simultaneously intrusive and facile.

I know there are other ways of starting chit-chat, but 'How are you?' does seem, currently at least, to be the most widely accepted and understood one. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. And it's nice and flexible; you can either keep it strictly ritual and reply with 'Fine, how are you?' and then move on, or, if the situation/participants are right, launch into 'Well, you wouldn't believe my lumbago' or whatever.

I have customers up North who call me, 'Duck'. I really like it.

I do a lot of my work on the phone and it does seem standard to ask the person how they are before you launch into telling them what you want of them. I'd be flummoxed though if they went into a long story of woes... 'bit of a headache' is alright, but the usual response is 'fine thanks, and you?' to be met with the same 'fine, thanks'.

I never realised how much I talk about the weather though... this thread has shown me that it's pretty incessant.

I tell people.

I also want people to tell me, when I ask them.

YANBU

It really is a pointless exchange if you can't give an honest reply.

I've repeatedly found myself walking into the GP's office and answering his "how are you doing today?" with a meaningless "fine thanks" and then having to correct myself because if that was actually the case I wouldn't be there in the first place

My GP is always careful not to open proceedings with 'How are you?' That seems like a pretty dim thing for a doctor to say . He goes for 'How can I help you today?'

OMG, I totally agree. I hate it when people say how are you. It IS a question dammit!

Really dislike it if a cold caller on the doorstep says "Hello, how are you?" Er, you clearly don't care, and it's none of your business as I don't even know who you are!