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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that greeting people with 'how are you?' is stupid when only 'fine' or 'very well thank you? is an acceptable response?

78 replies

LizzieMint73 · 04/08/2011 06:51

Am I the only person that hates 'how are you? or similar as a greeting? It seems that fine or good or well is the only acceptable response which clearly is not always going to be the case, but if you say anything else you just get an odd look - this is obviously a social nicety that's gone completely over my head Confused What is wrong with 'hello'?

Eg, Yesterday the supermarket checkout kid greeted me with 'how are you today?' to which I said Um, I've got toothache, which was the truth as I had the most horrendous toothache, backed up by the purchase of the strongest painkillers available in the supermarket, accompanied by a small pile of comfort food. He wouldn't have looked at me more shocked if I'd said 'I've just murdered my entire family and I'm here because I've bloody run out of bin bags and bleach'

So AIBU in responding such an enquiry with something resembling the truth (well as much as I want to reveal to a nosy stranger*) or should I just lie and give a bland fine/good/well?

*When did it become acceptable for checkout/bank staff to feel the need to interrogate customers on how they are/what they are doing today/what they are spending the money they are taking out of the bank on? I'm sure this is actually some stupid customer service 'policy' from their employers rather than the staff themselves to spontaneously make the enquiry but I don't want to have to discuss details of my life with a stranger - why would they be interested anyway - I don't want to know about what they're doing later or what they spend the money they earn in said shop or bank or details of their health and wellbeing!

OP posts:
corriefan · 04/08/2011 09:48

YABU consider yourself lucky in this country! In some other places the standard greeting is to ask after your entire family (Ghana) or in China, everything you've eaten/ are going to eat!

Merrin · 05/08/2011 08:45

:o Then they shouldnt have asked! We should start saying Goodmorning/day/afternoon more often!

ragged · 05/08/2011 08:46

yanbu

BooBooBuddy · 05/08/2011 08:56

ALPINE PONY i was gonna chip in with the same only you got there first! and how-do-you-do? (must not forget to put on an upper-class or RP accent)

AlpinePony · 05/08/2011 08:58

booboo How do you do?

BooBooBuddy · 05/08/2011 09:06

alpine pony Grin laughed so hard i fell off the bed. did you hear victoria mather on Fry's english delight describing the queen as a stocky-little-hunivarian? i nearly chocked laughing.

lesley33 · 05/08/2011 09:17

YABU it is a stnadard greeting.

I personally don't think you always have to say fine thank you, but you also must not go on about your problems either.

When my life has been really shit I have just answered this question by saying surviving and how are you? all with a smile on my face. So I am not lying, but I am also not telling them all my problems when they really don't care.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 05/08/2011 09:39

YABU. Treat it as a standard greeting with a small set of stock responses and don't think of it any more deeply.

I do think there are nuances though, and often you can tell from who you're talking to, their manner etc if you're meant to give a standard 'Fine, how are you?' response or if it's OK to launch into 'Oh, terrible, my wisdom tooth's giving my gyp and my dog's run off and ...' With shop staff it's often the latter unless/until you've become a 'regular', at which time it's fine to treat it as a conversation opener.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 05/08/2011 09:41

So here's something that bothers me, when people know you are NOT fi e yet still ask it as a 'hello not a real question'.... What do you say then?

Have tied self in knots over this one! If you say fine they tend to believe you are fine & then act surprised when they work out the long term illness hasn't magically gone... BUT if you answer not that well, they feel like they have to ask more, which is awkward cos they don't care/ you don't know them well enough to say more...

catgirl1976 · 05/08/2011 09:42

Say "fine thank you" but roll you eyes a tiny bit. If they want to know anymore they will ask. If they don't, they won't

PadmeHum · 05/08/2011 09:43

Gawd whatever next.

Don't ask another human being how they are.... Oh no sirrreee, this could open up a whole can of of worms and unsolicited details about another human being's life, or it could just net you a pleasant exchange (how terrible).

Personally, I love exchanging inane pleasantries with strangers. I do it when I walk my dog, when I do my shopping, when I go to the chemist, when I am at the school gate.

Sometimes I get the short - all good type of answer, other times people launch into the longer version. Either way, I actually enjoy interacting with other human beings.

The world is going utterly mad!

Merrin · 05/08/2011 17:53

Padme - you are asking with the expectation of an answer, which is perfect and friendly and as it should be.

I object to the empty meaningless question that requires no answer and devalues the question for others who ask because they want to know the answer.

roses2 · 05/08/2011 18:00

YADNBU. A girl at work asks me several times a day every day and each time all I want to do is punch her.

Tattyhead78 · 05/08/2011 18:03

In some languages it's the opposite. In one language you should probably say most of the time the equivalent of fine / okay, but it's quite acceptable to say that things are terrible and not to be disingenuous (which is sometimes how the "have a great day" culture comes across).

Obvs though the correct question is "How do you do?"

catgirl1976 · 05/08/2011 18:04

And noone would dream of responding to "how do you do?" with anything other than "how do you do". Which would eliminate the problem - we should bring it back. It sorts the issue out.

LolaRennt · 05/08/2011 18:04

I always get proper answers from people (Tired, miserable,toothache, great grand dad's cousins son died today, my dog has gout etc) so as a whole I don't like the greeting for that reason!

chicletteeth · 05/08/2011 18:22

This made me laugh.
YANBU.
If somebody only asks with a view to you saying something like "I'm well/fair" etc.. then it's a silly question to ask because you actually don't care.

If someone asks and they are more than happy for you to say "crikey, got a terrible case of the squits" then obviously that's ok for them to ask that.

I have a cousin-in-law who I flatly refuse to ask this question to. She is a serious hypochondriac and always, always gives an OTT answer and so because I don't care and don't really want to know, I don't ask.

Even when I changed my greeting to "Hello, you look well" (she always looks fine) I was met with a "looks can be deceiving you know, I feel like crap" so now I've stopped even saying that.

I just say hello, or say nothing but give a friendly nod in her direction.

chicletteeth · 05/08/2011 18:27

My point being is, when I say it to someone, I want to know and am happy to hear their answer.
I don't say it to everyone though, I often just say hello/good morning/lovely day etc... these are all perfectly reasonably pleasantries and you can interact with people without asking them directly about their health/mood/ etc...

EdithWeston · 05/08/2011 18:36

To my surprise, I found myself agreeing with OP.

"How do you do" is a greeting idiom (to which the only response is in turn "how do you do", or possibly "very well thank you".

Anything else - like "how are you" is indeed an enquiry. It should probably be ducked, rather than answered literally. It would annoy me, but I would hope never to let that show in RL.

janelikesjam · 05/08/2011 18:41

IT depends. Sometimes its just a way of gaging things with acquaintances and friends. If they say "Fine" with an upbeat smile or a more ambivalent "OK I suppose" to "Hmmmm" (translates: please don't ask).

I do understand where OP is coming from re. it as a customer services instruction. It depends I suppose if i think its genuine and what mood I'm in ....

Oblomov · 05/08/2011 19:34

See, I tell people how I am.
Rubbish, i've had my driving licence taken away and its been awful. But never mind. How are YOU ?

And I say the bit about me REALLY quickly.
So I do people how I am.

Fab, I got promoted, how are YOU ?
Great, had the best weekend. wasn't the weather Fab. How are YOU ?

Deesus · 05/08/2011 19:36

It's just a greeting. Like round this way it's "Y'alright?" to which the correct response is "Y'alright".

If anyone actually tries to answer me fully with their tales of woe I tend to say 'Oooh sorry...I didn't really want to know...how embarrasing!' Grin

usualsuspect · 05/08/2011 19:39

YABU

The standard greeting were I live is 'you alright?' or 'Aye up me duck'

usualsuspect · 05/08/2011 19:40

where*

BibiBlocksberg · 05/08/2011 20:06

YANBU OP - drives me batshit. Where i work, the external sales guys can phone 10 times in an hour and every single time I'm forced to go through the greeting of 'hi, how are you?' good, and you? Very well, thank you, can I speak to pls? Hmm

I've actually asked people (again at work) why they bother to ask how i am and then immediately walk away and 9 times out of 10 go 'what?' if i answer them!

Ooh, felt good to get that out :)