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AIBU?

To not want to provide childcare to...

190 replies

TheRealMBJ · 03/08/2011 22:52

a recently bereaved father for a day?

A bit of background: a friend of my SIL lost his dearly beloved DW in May, only 18 months (or so) after the birth of their son. He has given up his job and started his own business in order to be more flexible and be able to have his DS home with him.

SIL, being the lovely person that she is, has offers him some work (he is a contractor, let's say) for which he will be in town on Friday. As it is quite a commute from where he lives he will be coming up on Thursday evening and bringing his DS with. He will be busy working between 9am and 3pm on Friday.

Now, he obviously does not have childcare in place. SIL (childless) has asked if I'd look after him.

I have met friend and his DS once over ice cream for about 1.5hours. He and DS did not get on particularly well (not badly but not brilliantly either IYKWIM) and that is it. I am not a childminder/nanny/nursery nurse etc and I have no experience of child care other than my own.

I just don't feel very comfortable looking after this child in this ad hoc manner. I have suggested SIL contact the CHildren's Centre as they may be able to help with suggesting a sessional childcare provider. She however feels he might no be comfortable leaving his child with someone he doesn't know. (Well, he doesn't know me FGS)

I appreciate that it is a difficult time for him and that he needs help, but feel like his (and SIl's) inability to sort out childcare has somehow been made my problem, which pisses me off.

DH is of the opinion that I should 'just help the poor man out'

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

Report

MmeLindor. · 05/08/2011 07:48

Exoticfruits
I m sorry that you lost your husband so young, but think that you are letting your emotions and memories cloud the issue here. Of course we should pull together to help the bereaved in our society but we also have to consider what is in the child's best interests.

And the child's best interest would be if his father sorted out professional childcare fir his vulnerable son. He needs consistency in his life, not to be handed over to virtual strangers.

Animation · 05/08/2011 07:53

Exoticfruits is right - she talks sense, and from experience

MimeLindor - I think you protest too much.

This guy is only asking for help FOR A DAY.

I think OP should do it.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 08:01

I cannot possibly understand how it feels to be bereaved and I'm sorry if my comments come across as wrong to you EF. i'm also sorry you were in this man's position once.

Of course I agree that helping out where necessary is a moral duty which must be fulfilled in any situation where someone is vulnerable.

However I don't think this man wanted any of it to happen. Reading between the lines and possibly wrongly, the SIL set it all up, possibly thinking she was helping, he probably felt obliged to accept this kindness, and the SIL also dreamd up the childcare arrangements which he would have felt a bit odd about I imagine.

I'm glad the OP made direct contact with him and I doubt his reservations are to do with the child being driven to an NCT meeting, or indeed the idea that she might not be that comfortable with it.

The fact is they are almost strangers and it's a long shot arrangement in all aspects.

Perhaps he just didn't need any of it to happen especially if it was going to cause everyone a lot of hassle - he's presumably not daft enough to think all day childcare is easy.

The whole thing was always going to be awkward from start to finish.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 08:11

And this is an especially vulnerable child. He needs care and attention from an experienced childcarer not handed over to whoever is handy.

And where would you find this experienced childcarer for a one off in a strange town? -even if there was one to call on I expect they would be full.

I think it pathetic to say that you couldn't cope with a strange DC for the day and they might cry/hurt himself. I coped as a 16yr old baby sitter-they didn't know me, they woke up and cried for the parent-I comforted/played/read/distracted them. If it hadn't worked I had the phone number for the parents to come back.
If I could do it as a 16yr old with no experience I'm sure that I could cope when older with DCs of my own!

People make too many excuses. Better just to be honest and say 'I don't want to do it'-full stop- but don't dress it up as concern for the DC.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 08:17

I think those concerns all fit together, quite legitimately, under the blanket of 'I don't know this person or his child'.

Presumably the parents you babysat for at 16 knew something about you. Also the fact you were young and had license to call them in case the kids were unhappy has a massive bearing...think of a grown woman calling the father out of work, because his child is upset - she would feel like a failure.

It's totally different.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 08:20

Also I get the sense that you did feel, or do feel, your pride was at stake when accepting help from people in the similar situation you faced...

'people make too many excuses' and 'if you don't want to help, just say so' are clear expressions of pride, ie wanting not to make others uncomfortable with your needs. I think that's admirable and natural.

I suspect the man in the OP feels the same - he doesn't want to put anyone out.

I think the whole thing was engineered out of a misplaced sense of duty and the SIL has a lot to answer for - without herself having intended any harm. Hopefully they OP and the father can sort it out between them.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 08:26

I was recommended as a babysitter in the same way that SIL recommended OP. The parents didn't know me, they never met my parents but they trusted the judgement of the person who recommended me.

I don't see anything wrong in saying-'sorry, I don't want to do it'. I do see something wrong in people saying 'I don't want to do it, and it is all in the best interests of the DC and his father'!

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 08:37

I see what you mean. Though at the end of the day you were being paid, you were young, the boundaries were clear, you had more license to get things wrong than a grown woman with her own DC...the list goes on.

Boundaries I think are the issue. I think the excuses come when someone knows they are uncomfortable but cannot easily explain why without sounding like a selfish arse.

Animation · 05/08/2011 08:41

annieversaire.

It's just for ONE DAY - this guy is in a crisis - and it would be a nice neighbourly thing to do ...to help him out - just for one day.

That's all.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 08:44

Yes of course and I don't have a problem with her doing it. But I can completely understand why she is uncomfortable about it and it's NOT yet clear it would be a one off. She may be partly worried about setting a precedent.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 08:45

is he in a crisis though? If it were actually a crisis as I said earlier I'm sure she wouldn't hesitate, i wouldn't.

It doesn't sound like a crisis though - particularly if he is 'thinking about it' himself.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 08:47

I mean if it were an actual crisis, he wouldn't hesitate to accept the offer. Perhaps he already has enough work where he lives and this will be more trouble than it's worth - iyswim.

We don't know how desperate it is that he takes this work for the SIL. but if he's not snapped up the offer I don't think it can be that desperate.

Animation · 05/08/2011 08:50

I think it's safe to say that anyone who has recently lost a partner is in crisis.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 08:52

yes but where do you stop...should she therefore invite him to move in? go 100 miles to do his washing every week?
how is the bereavement crisis related to the work situation?

I think you need to separate the issues in this situation. Yes he may well be emotionally in crisis but that isn't necessarily going to be helped by an unworkable childcare situation or lack thereof.

Animation · 05/08/2011 08:54

For one day.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 08:55

sorry, i'm refereeing my children and typing dreadfully.

I mean however upset he is I don't think it means everyone should drop all boundaries and do things they wouldn't normally do in every aspect of his life.

I think that can be counterproductive. It won't take away his emotional pain to have extra work somewhere with his ds being looked after for a day.

I don't think it works like that.

mrskbpw · 05/08/2011 09:01

Oh for god's sake, help the man out. It is a nice thing to do. Presumably your sister in law has to be at work with the man, which is why she can't look after the little boy. Don't make such a fuss. Help out because it's the right thing to do and maybe one day you'll need help and someone will help you. And whoever suggested the little boy would be distraught at being left with strangers - his mummy has just died. I imagine he's had quite a lo of upheaval in his short life. The least of his worries will be left to play with a kind lady and another toddler for a couple of hours. Just do it! X

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 09:09

yes but where do you stop...should she therefore invite him to move in? go 100 miles to do his washing every week?
how is the bereavement crisis related to the work situation?

Good grief-this was a simple request to look after one small DC for one day!!

I am really glad that when I was widowed (I think that you find it comes top on a list of stressful situations) that I met a great deal of kindness. Had I read this first I would have despaired!

Obviously the man has had since May-all of 3 months-he should have pulled himself together, got his job and childcare sorted and have enough pride not to discuss his situation with anyone and not accepted any help-letting someone have his DC for the day must mean that he is expecting to be a permanant lodger with built in Nanny.

(sometimes if you didn't laugh at the attitude of some MNetters you would cry.)

everlong · 05/08/2011 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 09:14

I think you're misunderstanding my posts, Exoticfruits.

I do understand that this is for one day and is not a big deal, however the arguments for doing it are open to interpretation as meaning anything goes when someone has suffered a bereavement, which is not sensible.

I think maintaining normal boundaries is good for everyone not least the child who doesn't want everyone tiptoeing around and making exceptions and changing the structures he is used to.

I think these things need to be approached with caution, that';s all, because some people will lose all sense when faced with a situation like this and be so afraid of looking selfish or unkind that they go too far the other way.

I hope that makes more sense. FWIW I don't think a day would be a big deal and would probably do it myself - but I can understand why it feels uncomfortable for the OP and that's what I'm trying to explain with the wild illustrative comparisons.

everlong · 05/08/2011 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 09:16

yes but not a work crisis so much as one of bereavement, which you cannot solve however much you give him work...and free childcare etc etc

It's a different sort of crisis. As I said if he desperately needs the work, then by all means. If he doesn't (he's thinking about it - doesn't suggest urgency to me) then it's not a crisis.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 09:22

I am very thankful that people didn't approach me 'with caution' -they waded in. The worst are people who say 'call me if you need help'-of course you can't call them. The best are those who say 'I am going ....... on Tues-do you want to come?' You have the option of saying no.
SIL did the decent thing and waded in with, an easily workable, suggestion.
OP can say 'no' but I do get fed up with people saying 'no'and still wanting to seem a lovely, kind person by dressing it up as regard for the man and his DC when the bottom line is they simply don't want to do it. Say so-don't justify it (or try to)

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 09:25

I understand that. I really do, as much as I can from a non bereaved perspective and I respect that I might not fully get it as such.

However SIL waded in, pulling the OP with her, without asking first and put OP in a really difficult position.

everlong · 05/08/2011 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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