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AIBU?

To not want to provide childcare to...

190 replies

TheRealMBJ · 03/08/2011 22:52

a recently bereaved father for a day?

A bit of background: a friend of my SIL lost his dearly beloved DW in May, only 18 months (or so) after the birth of their son. He has given up his job and started his own business in order to be more flexible and be able to have his DS home with him.

SIL, being the lovely person that she is, has offers him some work (he is a contractor, let's say) for which he will be in town on Friday. As it is quite a commute from where he lives he will be coming up on Thursday evening and bringing his DS with. He will be busy working between 9am and 3pm on Friday.

Now, he obviously does not have childcare in place. SIL (childless) has asked if I'd look after him.

I have met friend and his DS once over ice cream for about 1.5hours. He and DS did not get on particularly well (not badly but not brilliantly either IYKWIM) and that is it. I am not a childminder/nanny/nursery nurse etc and I have no experience of child care other than my own.

I just don't feel very comfortable looking after this child in this ad hoc manner. I have suggested SIL contact the CHildren's Centre as they may be able to help with suggesting a sessional childcare provider. She however feels he might no be comfortable leaving his child with someone he doesn't know. (Well, he doesn't know me FGS)

I appreciate that it is a difficult time for him and that he needs help, but feel like his (and SIl's) inability to sort out childcare has somehow been made my problem, which pisses me off.

DH is of the opinion that I should 'just help the poor man out'

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

Report

islawhiter · 04/08/2011 19:44

I will only have children over to play if i know there mums or dads quite well eg neighbours, school kids, family friends, because years ago i did a favour to look after a boy and scarcely knew the parents and me and kids went out to play football over the park and the boy fell over and i took him home and then the dad phoned me from hospital saying his boy had broken arm and he was going sue me!

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 19:45

Apology accepted, thank you LineRunner

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 19:45

Fair enough then. Not really getting at you-TheRealMBJ-just all those posters who would reject it out of hand.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 04/08/2011 19:46

I wouldn't want my fragile bereaved child looked after by someone whom he has only met once before for one and a half hours. Has anyone stopped to think about how the child would feel about this?

LineRunner · 04/08/2011 19:48

Thanks, MBJ.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 19:49

The original post was between OP and an agency-there never was an option of someone the DC knew. Surely one and a half hours was better than never?

Maryz · 04/08/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner · 04/08/2011 19:55

Maryz, don't worry about it.

muminthemiddle · 04/08/2011 19:55

Chaotic I was just about to post the same thing.
I would not have left a baby/toddler with someone I had only met briefly.
Hell maybe I am odd but myself and especially dh do not allow our dd (14) to saty overnight at anyone's house unless we know the parents or have at least met them and the children.
Shams are not obliged to do working parents favours. my advice would be to do it only if you want to but before hand speak to the dad and tell him that it will only be a one off and that in future you will not be able to help.

annieversaire · 04/08/2011 20:08

It's difficult.
The thing is, you aren't this man's friend, and he's not yours, he's a friend of your SIL. So pretty much a stranger.
And she's only able to offer him this work on the basis that you are part of the plan, that in itself isn't right, because she should have checked with you before offering him the work if it depended on your being 'kind' enough to have his son for the day.
His son may not be easy to manage and may not get on with yours.
You may have different attitudes to parenting.
Children are not something that can just be handed around to almost strangers...in my opinion unless it were an actual emergency, ie he needed to be there, had literally no other way to earn money that week for instance (back home where he lives and so on) then of course you would do it without hesitation.
Also what does he do the rest of the time? Does he just work purely from home and refuse all offers of work where it means leaving the house?
What your sil seems to be missing is that just because the man has recently lost his dear wife, doesn't mean he can't - or shouldn't - manage his own arrangements, his own work and childcare.
No one wants to be treated as helpless. He might not even want to do this but feels it's an act of generosity and he'd be rude to refuse.

Sorry if I have missed stuff that's relevant in the middle few pages, but I did read the first.

I understand how you feel and I would also feel awkward, but might do it once as long as it was clear you couldn't long term.

Widowers are not helpless people, they are no longer in a state of emergency, though they may well be emotionally very fragile.

I hope it goes alright if you do it and also if you decide not to.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 04/08/2011 20:25

Most people would probably consider me at the lax end of the parenting scale but I think I'd prefer an agency, where someone is qualified (no offence OP).

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 20:31

exotic there was never any agency involved. My SIL asked me (a SAHM) to look after her friend's DS for the day.

OP posts:

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 20:33

No offence taken Chaotic Me too. I suggested they ask one

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 20:48

I have suggested SIL contact the CHildren's Centre as they may be able to help with suggesting a sessional childcare provider. She however feels he might no be comfortable leaving his child with someone he doesn't know. (Well, he doesn't know me FGS)

I quote your OP. Someone he has met before has to be better.

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 20:48

Ah, I see. Sorry, misunderstood.

OP posts:

sundayrose10 · 04/08/2011 21:20

I wish the man all the best. Wish I know him so could help. I would do it even on a regular basis if needed.

He made the right decision. He must got the vibes his child was not wanted.

sundayrose10 · 04/08/2011 21:21

knew not know

chicletteeth · 04/08/2011 22:34

I've only read the first page and a half; thought I'd better state that.

You don't want to do this, lets face it! It is of course your right and YANBU for not wanting to do this. However, I feel all these other little things (NCT meeting, falling out with your DC etc..) are excuses rather than real issues.

If you don't want to do it, don't. I wouldn't want to leave me child with somebody who so clearly didn't want to watch them (that said I would never leave them with a stranger either but clearly circumstances are very different here).

I feel for the guy, I really do and I also feel for the little boy. My life has been totally changed by a huge random act of kindness from a total stranger and I can without a doubt say that it has really renewed my faith in humanity and given me a completely different outlook on life. Sounds like codswallop I know, but it's true.

Would I do it this once if it were me? Yes I would.

chicletteeth · 04/08/2011 22:36

Oh yeah, and tear a strip of the SIL. She has no business offering your time for free, to anybody.

starfishmummy · 04/08/2011 23:43

I Gree with annieversaire that the SIL is the whone who is bu to have arranged this without asking.
But if the guy is wanting to make a go of becoming self employed then he has to get himself organised with some proper childcare and not expect to take his kids with him

Whatmeworry · 05/08/2011 06:58

I'd help out once but make it clear it's once.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 07:23

One has to hope that you are never in the position of wanting a little human kindness starfishmummy! I do think that what goes around comes around-I hope that it does anyway. (I am rather shocked at the sheer selfishness of the last few posters).

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 07:32

I agree that people see the words 'bereaved father' and automatically it's selfish to refuse him anything.

However it wasn't even a favour for him, it was a favour for the SIL who had thought it up, arranged it and in all honesty probably wanted to feel like she was doing the right thing.

But the problem is where does it stop?
How many sacrifices are we meant to make for someone bereaved, and for how long, before they reestablish a sense of order and control over their own arrangements?

I hope this comes across right...that you aren't helping if you just do everything for someone. He probably feels his pride is slightly at stake in being given work out of a charitable sense of duty, also being given childcare out of the same sense of duty.
It's uncomfortable and probably not necessary.

Plus it may not be best for the child at this stage.
I can totally see the problem with this situation and why the OP would feel very uncomfortable. It's a question of appropriate boundaries, which sometimes the mighty cause 'charity' can conveniently dismiss as selfishness.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 07:36

When I was widowed young I was very grateful for a bit of kindness and the fact that people didn't see it as making sacrifices for me!! Even strangers were kind, they didn't tell me to 'pull myself together and worry that I was going to depend on them!
I can't believe this-SIL was finding a one off solution-it wasn't ideal for the DC but there wasn't a better alternative. I don't believe taking the DC to work is a better alternative.

MmeLindor. · 05/08/2011 07:44

Exoticfruits
It is not selfish to be worried about coping with a strange child. It is not selfish to worry about spending all day with this child. Or to be concerned that the child will be upset/cry/miss his dad/hurt himself.

It is not selfish to consider the implications of "what if something goes wrong".

Take the bereavement out of the equation and ask yourself if you would be happy to look after a child who barely knows you for a whole day?

Yes, of course I feel for the man but he cannot be so casual about childcare. He doesn't know MBJ. He doesn't know what she is really like.

If someone had posted that their dh wanted to dump their child with the SIL of their employer while he worked, MN would be up in arms.

And this is an especially vulnerable child. He needs care and attention from an experienced childcarer not handed over to whoever is handy.

I think that MBJ did the right thing. She spoke directly with the father. She did not reject it out of hand, but told him her reservations and let him make the decision.

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