Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

AIBU?

To not want to provide childcare to...

190 replies

TheRealMBJ · 03/08/2011 22:52

a recently bereaved father for a day?

A bit of background: a friend of my SIL lost his dearly beloved DW in May, only 18 months (or so) after the birth of their son. He has given up his job and started his own business in order to be more flexible and be able to have his DS home with him.

SIL, being the lovely person that she is, has offers him some work (he is a contractor, let's say) for which he will be in town on Friday. As it is quite a commute from where he lives he will be coming up on Thursday evening and bringing his DS with. He will be busy working between 9am and 3pm on Friday.

Now, he obviously does not have childcare in place. SIL (childless) has asked if I'd look after him.

I have met friend and his DS once over ice cream for about 1.5hours. He and DS did not get on particularly well (not badly but not brilliantly either IYKWIM) and that is it. I am not a childminder/nanny/nursery nurse etc and I have no experience of child care other than my own.

I just don't feel very comfortable looking after this child in this ad hoc manner. I have suggested SIL contact the CHildren's Centre as they may be able to help with suggesting a sessional childcare provider. She however feels he might no be comfortable leaving his child with someone he doesn't know. (Well, he doesn't know me FGS)

I appreciate that it is a difficult time for him and that he needs help, but feel like his (and SIl's) inability to sort out childcare has somehow been made my problem, which pisses me off.

DH is of the opinion that I should 'just help the poor man out'

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

Report

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 04/08/2011 02:47

If you dont really want to do this, DONT DO IT! This poor man and his little boy are hurting, and need stability and support. If you cant provide this, you cant. And shouldnt.
Ive been in the same situation, it takes commitment, and sacrifice. Its really not about what happens if there is an accident. From experience, this guy has found himself on his own with an 18 month old. He is probably totally out of his depth, and sees you as someone he feels he can trust, with a similar age child, who can help him out and offer some advice and support, and a safe guardian for the most precious thing in his life. Maybe not logical, but there you go.
Im sure that you could very easily talk an emergency plan out with him to your satisfaction if you really wanted to.

sundayrose10 · 04/08/2011 02:50

OP sounds selfish as hell.

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 05:30

Thanks sunday. Have you read the whole thread?

OP posts:

cherrysodalover · 04/08/2011 05:51

Gosh we just had complete strangers stay with us for a week-which was a big bother cooking and cleaning for them and I felt that was a big presumptious ask on the part of them which I felt put out by, as the week wore on...... but this is such a small favour in my mind for a man who must have been through so much.
I would not hesitate to do it-he is known to your sil so that is enough.
But I kind of feel for him if you end up doing it under duress because that is a horrible feeling for him.

It is just one day.Be generous.

cherrysodalover · 04/08/2011 05:56

Surely people leave their children with strangers all the time snippy;nurseries and childminders right?
He knows the sil well so no doubt trusts her judgement.
He just lost his wife in may.Him being a widower does affect the situation because he is in a position that elicits compassion and a desire to help in whatever way one can, in many people.
If you do not have that response OP don't do it- let someone who feels that compassion respond. I bet if you mentioned it to a group of people someone would offer because they would feel for him and want to help out.

HappyMummyOfOne · 04/08/2011 07:04

I agree Seeker, i've seen a few posts in the last week alone where the majority believe they shouldnt look after other children to help somebody else. Its very selfish.

Presumbly all those that say no to helping others never ask anybody to help them including family - however I imagine its not the case.

Two toddlers not getting on well - they are babies! What could they possible fall out over? If you go down the H&S route, are you never going to allow friends from school etc?

vividgingerchilli · 04/08/2011 07:20

Personally I would do it, what goes around comes around.

33goingon64 · 04/08/2011 07:51

Blimey some of you are being real children. Don't you have anything better to do than bully the op who has shown that by asking for advice it is possible to change one's mind? Sounds like she is now going to help out which most of us are saying would be the decent thing to do in the circumstances. I think you should now go and find another MNer to bully, or better still, try being a bit more forgiving when people are in difficult situations and can't see the wood for the trees.

Growlithe · 04/08/2011 07:57

I'm guessing the guy doesn't see you as a stranger anyway. You've been on a day out together and are his friend's SIL. Once your DS gets to school you will have to have his friends over and let him go to his friends houses, even when you have only met those parents at kids parties and the school gate. And drive those kids from school. That is the way you and your DS will make new friends. And that is what you should see this guy as, not a stranger or a widower, but a new friend!

seeker · 04/08/2011 07:58

Not bullying. The Op asked sensible questions and made a sensible decision based on advice. It's the range of mean spirited, insular, ungenerous, opinions expressed by others that makes me despair.

hester · 04/08/2011 08:08

OP, in your position I would do it. No question. I would, however, be wary of setting a precedent, so I would be clear with SIL that this is a one-off.

I wouldn't worry about H&S beyond normal precautions. i would take both children to the NCT: you want to go, and it will be easier with other parents around, especially if the children are not getting on well.

However, you are clearly deeply uncomfortable with this and sometimes instincts need to be listened to. I don't think it's fair of other posters to give you a hard time over this.

Best of luck and I'm sure you'll make the right choice.

sunnydelight · 04/08/2011 08:08

I could just about handle my own small children and the idea of looking after some strange 2 year old sends shivers down my spine. I know I would spend the time I had him counting down in 15 minute blocks as to when he would be picked up BUT, in the circumstances you describe I really could not say no. This family could really do with all the help they can get.

Your SIL certainly shouldn't have dumped you in it but you now have a chance to decide whether to do the decent thing or not. As someone else has already said "what goes round comes round".

fedupofnamechanging · 04/08/2011 08:17

I would do it. Him being a widower is relevant, because it is one of the times in life when a person needs extra support and care from those around them. It must be so hard coping with grief and at the same time trying to build a new career and be a good parent to your baby. I'd feel very guilty about saying no in these particular circumstances.

I think it would be okay to tell your SIL that although you are willing this time, you don't want to be back up child care in the future because you worry about having responsibility for someone else's child.

There is a tendency, I think, for people to view SAHP as potential child care for their DC, ignoring the fact that that you are a SAHP so you can look after your DC (often making huge financial and career sacrifices to do so), not other peoples. Not saying your SIL is necessarily viewing you in this way, but if you don't want to find yourself being asked regularly, then best make it clear this is a one off from the outset.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 08:18

It is a one off, you are free to do it-it seems incredibly mean to refuse. Just speak to him and say 'I am intending to ......... and assume this is OK with you?' I am sure that it will be.

foreverondiet · 04/08/2011 08:20

Personally I'd do it as a one off to help someone out. And I wouldn't expect money. I'd go to SIL's house though so the dad would be on hand if there was a problem.

re: the get together - get the work to be rescheduled if SIL is at work anyway.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 08:23

I don't think it's fair of other posters to give you a hard time over this

I think that it is perfectly fair-she asked opinions! It is quite heartening to see that the majority are generous minded people and not ones who class it as 'I'm all right Jack-it isn't my problem'. (One day you might have a similar one and be grateful for the kindness of strangers).

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 08:23

Gosh-I wouldn't expect money!

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 08:27

Thank you all especially the last few pagers who seem to have an understanding of where I'm coming form but have still expressed that they would do it.

I shouldn't have posted this on AIBU (I put it down to late night delirium ) I genuinely wanted some other people's opinions and think that I had valid concerns regarding not being qualified to provide childcare to a father to whom his child is so important that he'd rather bring him with him than leave him overnight with his grandparents (well, according to my SIL anyway).

Although, I have felt in someways that one cannot win on this thread (firstly I am selfish for being unsure about it and then stupid for changing my mid after being given ideas), I have appreciated the ideas about setting out boundaries etc. I was also hurt by being called selfish but then I can see that it may seem that way.

Oh, well. I have emailed my SIL asking for his number and setting out that I would not be providing formal 'childcare' (that is how she phrased it when she asked me) and that I'd be happy to have the little boy as long as his father is aware that I'm not trained etc, etc.

OP posts:

PirateDinosaur · 04/08/2011 08:28

I would do it as a one-off but make sure SIL knew that I couldn't do it on any regular basis if the work she's offering him turns into something more frequent. I don't think you need to over-think the H&S aspect, just behave sensibly and as you would do if the extra child were your own.

magicmummy1 · 04/08/2011 08:30

Karmabeliever, I don't know anyone who views SAHPs in this light. However, I do know lots of parents who are willing to help each other out when they can - working or otherwise!

As a FT working mum, I have frequently watched other people's kids for them when they're stuck - after school, at the weekends, on my days off etc. I have even taken annual leave in order to help out on one occasion. I have also benefitted from others helping me out when I have needed help, such as a friend who looked after my dd recently while I visited my dad in hospital.

The OP's question has nothing to do with working/SAH, so please don't try to drag that into it - I think most parents help each other out as and when they can.

OP, I would help out in this situation if I could. Fair enough if you're anxious about H&S considerations, but maybe a Frank conversation with the child's father would put your mind at rest.

Laquitar · 04/08/2011 08:31

I think it is better if you don't. You seem like you don't want to do it, you are giving strange excuses, you worry about the children not getting on...If you start negative then yes it will probably go wrong.

(and why the information that SIL is childless?)

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 08:32

Oh god the thought of being paid never crossed my mind. I'm not a nanny.

karma The first thing that crossed my mind was that I'm not sure about the level of responsibility but, I think that I was also a bit upset that I distinctly got the feeling that my SIL thought that because I'm a SAHM, I can just take care of any child at anytime. As she herself doesn't have children, I don't think she sees it as a responsibility IYKWIM?

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 04/08/2011 08:33

I would do it as a one off, but I'd be pissed off at SIL for just assuming that because I have a child I'm happy to look after a random other child I don't know (or the parent). Amongst my friends with DCs a similar age, they vary vastly in the level of 'work' in looking after them, OP has no idea if this is the sort of child who will just happily play, or will cry the place down from 9am-3pm/refuse to eat/take the lid off his sippy cup and throw the contents on the carpet (like mine did at a friend's house) etc. or the sort of child who'll just play nicely and can cope being in strange situations.

What gets me is that SIL must have offered your services before talking to you when she offered him the work. That is out of order.

Do it this one time, because it's a nice thing to do, but tell SIL you aren't happy she put you in this position and this can't be a regular arrangement, if she offers him any further work he has to make formal childcare arrangements. As it is, you did have plans for the day, you are either going to miss them or take an extra child to the NCT meet up - and aren't comfortable driving someone else's child.

Laquitar · 04/08/2011 08:34

Sorry, just read your last post
Ok good luck then

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 08:37

Laquitar I don't see them 'as not getting on' as a barrier to looking after this boy for the day, but as the mother to only one child I have never had the care of more than one small child for longer than 2 hours, I'm just not used to it so it does make me a little anxious, especially when my DS spent the last meeting being bashed about (not in any malicious way, just the normal toddler, I'm-a-bit-bigger-than-you-so-I-can way)

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.