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AIBU?

To not want to provide childcare to...

190 replies

TheRealMBJ · 03/08/2011 22:52

a recently bereaved father for a day?

A bit of background: a friend of my SIL lost his dearly beloved DW in May, only 18 months (or so) after the birth of their son. He has given up his job and started his own business in order to be more flexible and be able to have his DS home with him.

SIL, being the lovely person that she is, has offers him some work (he is a contractor, let's say) for which he will be in town on Friday. As it is quite a commute from where he lives he will be coming up on Thursday evening and bringing his DS with. He will be busy working between 9am and 3pm on Friday.

Now, he obviously does not have childcare in place. SIL (childless) has asked if I'd look after him.

I have met friend and his DS once over ice cream for about 1.5hours. He and DS did not get on particularly well (not badly but not brilliantly either IYKWIM) and that is it. I am not a childminder/nanny/nursery nurse etc and I have no experience of child care other than my own.

I just don't feel very comfortable looking after this child in this ad hoc manner. I have suggested SIL contact the CHildren's Centre as they may be able to help with suggesting a sessional childcare provider. She however feels he might no be comfortable leaving his child with someone he doesn't know. (Well, he doesn't know me FGS)

I appreciate that it is a difficult time for him and that he needs help, but feel like his (and SIl's) inability to sort out childcare has somehow been made my problem, which pisses me off.

DH is of the opinion that I should 'just help the poor man out'

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

Report

hester · 04/08/2011 08:39

It will be easier when you're in charge, though, because you'll feel freer to step in and stop any toddler bashing when the other parent isn't present.

Honestly, take them both to NCT. It will make the day go much faster.

Laquitar · 04/08/2011 08:41

Ok i see what you mean. The hours are very few so you could put a dvd and a snack, thats one hour killed. Then play in the garden or a walk in the park.

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 08:41

hester that is why I take DS. It makes the afternoon fly by rather than drag.

OP posts:

hester · 04/08/2011 08:43

You could also force them to watch lots and lots of CBeebies. It's only one day, after all

fedupofnamechanging · 04/08/2011 08:45

magicmummy, I've read a few threads in recent weeks where a person is providing free child care for working friends/family and it is now being taken for granted that they will do it even though it is not convenient/costs them extra money to do so.

I also have friends who've been asked to do after school care for others, because they are at home anyway, so what is one more child? It does happen.

In the case of the OP, the SIL has offered her services to this man, because the OP is a SAHM and therefore 'available'. I'm not saying all WOHP would do this, of course they wouldn't and I'm not saying that WOHP never help out SAHP, just that sometimes there is a tendency for full time workers to think it is no big deal to look after additional children.

PenguinPatter · 04/08/2011 08:49

Like you I'd help out this once and I'm sure it will be fine - but seriously have words with SIL. It shows a shocking lack of appreciation of your time and energy or what a responsibility having some else's DC is. It does sound like the old 'your doing nothing being at home with DC' attitude.

I'd also send the DC home with information of how to contact registered childcare and say directly to the parent that this is a one off.

I've helped other parents out though in my case I've never had it reciprocated when we've need help - but primarily I'm at home for my family not every bugger else.

PenguinPatter · 04/08/2011 08:53

hester is right it is much easier to stop undesirable behaviour when the parents are not around condoning it.

Depends on the set up of your NCT meet - if it somewhere easy to have toddlers then try and get out but if it going to be somewhere you have to watch two DC like a hawk - will be easier to stop in.

Maryz · 04/08/2011 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catsu · 04/08/2011 09:05

In this situation I wouldn't hesitate to agree to be honest.
This man is a good friend of your sil, he has lost his wife only 3 months ago! And is clearly struggling to get a balance between working to support his son and spending time with him. Who wouldn't be still be a bit lost only 3 months after losing their partner?
It's a few short hours, you'd be doing your sil a big favour (I presume you like her and are happy to help each other out when necessary hence her asking you this). It's ONE day, not a regular thing.
There would have to be a massive hard to overcome barrier to prevent me from doing this I have to say.
Am very surprised so many people are saying they wouldn't.

LiegeAndLief · 04/08/2011 09:14

I can understand your reticence. I recently looked after the dc of a friend of mine for most of the day, so had 4 kids aged 5, 4, 3 and just 2 to look after including mine, and it did fill me with dread! But it was an emergency for a close friend, so of course I said yes, and in the event it was knackering but actually fine. We played in the garden, watched some tv, had lunch, somehow I squeezed them all into the car to go to the playground etc.

I know this man isn't a close friend of yours, but given the circumstances I would definitely say yes. And I would definitely take them both to the NCT group. I presume you are a fairly competant driver and the chances of anything going horribly wrong are miniscule. Yes, it's a daunting prospect having two small children when you are only used to one, but honestly, it will be fine. And as pp said, it's only one day, use cbeebies with impunity!

Poshbaggirl · 04/08/2011 09:15

What goes round comes round! God help you when you're faced with a bit of adversity. But having said that.....i wouldnt want someone so reluctant to look after my child.

feckwit · 04/08/2011 09:24

I think the OP has been great on this thread. She has listened to differing opinions and put up with a fair amount of stick.

Looking after other chidlren IS daunting if you are only used to one and I think the fact she has decided to give it a go is very kind of her.

OP - I would definitely ask for a car seat and go out in the afternoon!

Laquitar · 04/08/2011 09:28

I agree that op has listened and has taken the negative posts very well.

MmeLindor. · 04/08/2011 11:12

Gosh, what a nasty thread.

MBJ is not a troll or a journalist, as a quick check of her posting history would have shown you. If you have suspicions about a poster, then I suggest you contact MNHQ instead of upsetting a long-term MNetter with your accusations.

MBJ came on MN to ask a perfectly valid question, and it is clear from her OP and later posts that she is not being selfish or mean. She states that she is uncomfortable looking after a child she hardly knows, worries about coping with two children as she is a mother of one child, that she is concerned if anything should happen to the child while he is in her care.

Does that sound like an "I'm-all-right-Jack" attitude?

She has taken on the excellent advice from Rhinestone and others and has acted on it.

MBJ
Agree with the others. Have something fun planned, something that your DS really enjoys and have lots of sweets as bribes if all else fails.

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 11:17

Thanks MmeLint

OP posts:

Chandon · 04/08/2011 11:22

I would have done it.

I would maybe ask for him and the child to spend 15 minutes or so for a quick cup of tea so he can tell you a bit more about the child and its needs (quirks), ie nor a flying drop-off.

TattyDevine · 04/08/2011 11:33

Hmmm. This will sound bad by I would personally try and get out of it.

I am a SAHM and I am a soft target for working parents who have found themselves in a pickle. Whilst I sympathise and whilst I wouldn't see a good, true, regular in touch with friend stuck, I have to be selective about what I choose to do in terms of helping out otherwise I would be free ad-hoc childcare for so many people I would seldom be on my own.

Now if this guy is a contractor and you happen to live near where he is working but not where he lives, you will be targeted (potentially anyway) every time he's "in the area" and might even take more work on in the area. Or, it might just genuinely be a one-off. If you really think it is genuinely a one off, then perhaps you could just do it but if not, I'd be careful about accepting it.

I have found that if you do one favour, you are the first point of call for the next, and with working parents who are struggling to juggle things, you seldom get a favour back. If you are not likely to want to call a favour back, sometimes it is easier to graciously decline.

Selfish as that sounds, the ages of the children doesn't guarantee a playmate so much as guarantee double the mess, 2 running in opposite directions, constant supervision as they can be a little bitey/hitty/takey takey toys at that age and it could end up being a very long day.

I sound awful but I find other children I have to do things "properly" but with my own if I screw up, so be it, my child my choice. Etc.

FrogmellaMoonbeam · 04/08/2011 11:40

I just want to say that I completely understand where you are coming from MBJ I am a SAHM of 2 and I would also not like the assumption that I could just take responsibilty for the child of someone who I barely know and would also have all the same worries and questions and insecurities as it is completely different looking after someone elses child and I wouldnt necessarily want to do it.

Countingwiththecount · 04/08/2011 11:46

Enough with all the 'I'd do it!' These situations are always very delicate.

I can't help but feel that this man should be organising his own childcare. Yes, he has lost is wife and needs a little help, however he is an adult. I would be concerned that your SIL has volunteered your help as a solution to expensive childcare solutions...

As far as caring for his child goes, admittedly I would probably still do it. You'll feel that you're doing the right thing and hopefully both your children will find the experience educational as they learn to work in with one another.

orchidee · 04/08/2011 11:55

Wow. If I was desperate enough to ask a friend of a friend to help with childcare then I would hope they would think about it and not just say yes without considering how it would work.

All the OP is doing is guaging opinion, thinking through the responsibilities and getting input on whether there's anything else to consider. Since she's not in the habit of doing this sort of thing.

Seems sensible to me.

Soups · 04/08/2011 12:05

I don't enjoy looking after other peoples young children but, in similar circumstances, would do it. In my former life as SAHM I often ended up doing "favours" for others. So I would have a gentle conversation with your SIL to make the point that it is one off, emergency care, that you're providing. Some people have a tendency to think that just one more child will be easy.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/08/2011 12:08

Yes, I think the OP has to make clear to her SIL that this is being done as a one-off only and that she does not appreciate being put in this position. Otherwise SIL could do it again, which is presumptuous and rude.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 04/08/2011 12:37

What would piss me off is the presumptuousness and expectation.

There's a big difference between Chaotic would it be possible for you to do x (with no expectation) and Chaotic will do x. It sounds like your SIL has done the latter.

I probably would agree to do it but I would make it clear to SIL that it was a one off and not to be repeated. It's sad that he has lost his wife but he does have to find some reliable form of childcare like other lone parents.

CaptainNancy · 04/08/2011 12:50

I would feel very nervous and unsure about looking after a stranger's child for a day, but I think in the circumstances providing it was a complete one-off, I would say yes, and give the parent provisos (i.e. the child must arrive with nappies, spare clothes, comforter/cuddly etc and a contact number).

I am very sad at the thought of a child just being left with a virtual stranger though- my children would have been distraught with this arrangement at that age.

I wouldn't be happy with SIL's expectation though- how many more are going to be coming through your door?

seeker · 04/08/2011 13:01

I repeat previous comments about mean spirited, ungenerous posts. And I exempt the OP from my comments.

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