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AIBU?

To not want to provide childcare to...

190 replies

TheRealMBJ · 03/08/2011 22:52

a recently bereaved father for a day?

A bit of background: a friend of my SIL lost his dearly beloved DW in May, only 18 months (or so) after the birth of their son. He has given up his job and started his own business in order to be more flexible and be able to have his DS home with him.

SIL, being the lovely person that she is, has offers him some work (he is a contractor, let's say) for which he will be in town on Friday. As it is quite a commute from where he lives he will be coming up on Thursday evening and bringing his DS with. He will be busy working between 9am and 3pm on Friday.

Now, he obviously does not have childcare in place. SIL (childless) has asked if I'd look after him.

I have met friend and his DS once over ice cream for about 1.5hours. He and DS did not get on particularly well (not badly but not brilliantly either IYKWIM) and that is it. I am not a childminder/nanny/nursery nurse etc and I have no experience of child care other than my own.

I just don't feel very comfortable looking after this child in this ad hoc manner. I have suggested SIL contact the CHildren's Centre as they may be able to help with suggesting a sessional childcare provider. She however feels he might no be comfortable leaving his child with someone he doesn't know. (Well, he doesn't know me FGS)

I appreciate that it is a difficult time for him and that he needs help, but feel like his (and SIl's) inability to sort out childcare has somehow been made my problem, which pisses me off.

DH is of the opinion that I should 'just help the poor man out'

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

Report

ninedragons · 04/08/2011 13:32

Yep, I'm with seeker.

Jesus Christ, it's one-off babysitting for someone reeling from a blow.

bananasplitz · 04/08/2011 13:34

I wouldn't think twice about helping someone like that out.
It's only for a few hours.

this

Purplegirlie · 04/08/2011 13:36

I personally wouldn't do it, OP. I've done many childcare favours for friends over the years and have ended up with my fingers burnt a couple of times from people taking the pee.

I don't think it's fair that your SIL has just volunteered your services and assumed it will be okay with you. I can't help but agree with the poster earlier in this thread that said that this man should take responsibility for his own childcare arrangements.

mrsbiscuits · 04/08/2011 13:58

I will make no bones about that fact that I don't enjoy looking after other peoples children. I don't even like having kids over for playdates - but I do because otherwise my children would have no social life.

However, I think it's rude of your SIL to assume that you would look after someone's child who was working for her and certainly think that this is something either she or the man concerned should have sorted out in advance of arranging the work.

I think pp's have got hung up on the "bereaved father" label when in reality the fact that he needs childcare, on this occasion, is because of a work commitment. Of course I would help a friend out who got stuck, during the school holidays I often take in turns with a another working mum to do the holiday club run and would think nothing of looking after someones kids in an emergency. However, this is not an emergency it is something that has been pre-arranged on the assumption that you will be nanny for the day, without getting your prior consent and that is not on.

I think if you want to do it then you should speak to the boys father and make sure some ground rules are set. I would also suggest you make it very clear to your SIL that, in future, she doesn't volunteer your services in advance of getting your permission first.

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 15:50

You see, I think that the fact that he has lost his wife (and the boy his mother) is an important factor, yes essentially he is a man who needs childcare. But he is in a very fragile place interms of his mental state and does need extra kindness, I think. However, it also means that I am even more acutely aware of how delicate this situation could be, especially as I don't know him.

Anyway, I have agree as I have said in a previous post, but he has decided to think about it, I'm not sure he's happy for me to take him to the NCT thingy in the afternoon. We'll see.

Thank you for those who can see that there are things to consider when agreeing to look after someone else's child and for helping me find a way to be comfortable with helping out.

I have made it clear to my SIL, that I cannot in future be used as a shiport notice ad-hoc childcare for her employees/contractors

OP posts:

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 15:51

Shiport?!?!?

short

OP posts:

Rhinestone · 04/08/2011 15:55

I think 'shiport' is a rather good term actually! Implies transient and short-term! Good for you for taking your SIL to task.

orchidee · 04/08/2011 19:00

Does anyone else expect to see a new AIBU thread called "AIBU to request that someone I barely know who is providing free childcare for my 2 year old on Friday cancels her usual plans to attend an NCT group that day?"

In all seriousness, looking after a 2 year old that you don't know and who doesn't play nicely with your own young child for 8 hours is not a small favour. It's potentially a long, hard day.

OP I think you've done the right thing by speaking to the child's father. How many AIBUs could be resolved with a little open and honest communication? At least you both know what's being offered and expected, and you can both be confident that there are no misunderstandings about what will happen on the day.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 19:01

Communication is the answer to everything!

Flisspaps · 04/08/2011 19:03

In fairness OP, I'd have said no (and I do it for a living).

I'm glad you've spoken to the child's father though :)

TattyDevine · 04/08/2011 19:10

I think the bit that grates me most about this is that the SIL (who works) pimped you out because she figured you had nothing better to do

Okay I'm over-dramatising it probably, but I suspect if the SIL got on here and said AIBU to think my SIL, who doesn't even work, could put herself out for this poor guy so he can work on my house, yet wont, AIBU to think she should cancel her plans, its only a full day? She would get shot down in flames.

activate · 04/08/2011 19:12

I'm with DH - you should just help the poor man out

DizzyKipper · 04/08/2011 19:13

I don't think they 'made it your problem' so much as assumed you'd have some compassion, which I guess isn't a completely surprising thing for anyone to think given the circumstances. I can see through all the "technicalities" that no, you don't have to do it and it is unreasonable for them to assume you should, but in my mind it just keeps coming back to the compassion issue. Yes you don't have to, but why can't you?

By the way, do you realise how recent May is for having lost your partner? Or your mum?

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 19:14

Yes, the thought did cross my mind, orchidee

Anyway, he has decided to keep his DS with him for the day. SIL seems happy to have him on site for the day, so it's all sorted.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 04/08/2011 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 19:20

A shame as the DC would have been much better off away from the site.

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 19:22

LineRunner aim reporting you for troll hunting. This is not an hypothetical situation and I'm not trolling. I suggest you keep unhelpful, judgy opinions to yourself.

OP posts:

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 19:24

Actually, I am not going to report you. That would be telling tales, something I abhor.

OP posts:

seeker · 04/08/2011 19:27

Well I wouldn't want my fragile bereaved child looked after by someone who doesn't want to either.

To all of you who wouldn't don this, I hope you never need a favour. Kharma is a wonderful thing.

Maryz · 04/08/2011 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 19:32

I suppose it is better that the poor DC has to spend the day on site rather than with someone who doesn't want him. But very sad-it was such a small and easy thing to do.

banana87 · 04/08/2011 19:36

What does you choosing not to look after the DC have to do with the dad being bereaved?

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 19:40

If someone is recently bereaved you would expect that people would try to accommodate-just out of kindness.

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 19:42

I'm not sure I understand. I never said anywhere on the thread I didn't want to help, just that I had reservations and wasn't sure about the situation. After discussing it on here (and ignoring some nastier comments as to my person) I was given ideas that helped me feel comfortable in offering help.

However, when I told him that I would still want to attend my previously arranged get together but would happily take his son along as long as he didn't mind and I could use his car seat, I was turned down.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 04/08/2011 19:43

Spoiler: this ends with an apology to MBJ the OP.

I think you'll find that way back at the beginning I offered advice which was that if MBJ didnt want to do this favour then she just shouldn't do it.

She clearly felt really uncomfortable doing the favour. I don't think anyone should do a favour that they don't want to do.

I got puzzled that MBJ then seemed to be allowing herself to be persuaded into something she didn't want to do, whilst giving strong reasons why she didn't to do it.

Anyway, apologies MBJ, I was going to blame Judith Woods but tbh I only have myself to blame and that's it really.

L x

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