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AIBU?

To not want to provide childcare to...

190 replies

TheRealMBJ · 03/08/2011 22:52

a recently bereaved father for a day?

A bit of background: a friend of my SIL lost his dearly beloved DW in May, only 18 months (or so) after the birth of their son. He has given up his job and started his own business in order to be more flexible and be able to have his DS home with him.

SIL, being the lovely person that she is, has offers him some work (he is a contractor, let's say) for which he will be in town on Friday. As it is quite a commute from where he lives he will be coming up on Thursday evening and bringing his DS with. He will be busy working between 9am and 3pm on Friday.

Now, he obviously does not have childcare in place. SIL (childless) has asked if I'd look after him.

I have met friend and his DS once over ice cream for about 1.5hours. He and DS did not get on particularly well (not badly but not brilliantly either IYKWIM) and that is it. I am not a childminder/nanny/nursery nurse etc and I have no experience of child care other than my own.

I just don't feel very comfortable looking after this child in this ad hoc manner. I have suggested SIL contact the CHildren's Centre as they may be able to help with suggesting a sessional childcare provider. She however feels he might no be comfortable leaving his child with someone he doesn't know. (Well, he doesn't know me FGS)

I appreciate that it is a difficult time for him and that he needs help, but feel like his (and SIl's) inability to sort out childcare has somehow been made my problem, which pisses me off.

DH is of the opinion that I should 'just help the poor man out'

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

Report

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 05/08/2011 13:57

MBJ I can understand that dad didn't want to leave his DS but I thought it would be the best option for the child. How many did say no? I know some said no but there were quite a few who said they would be pissed off with sil but would probably still do it. I was one of them.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 13:26

I don't mind you refusing, I think that most probably SIL stepped in with a solution that he didn't want anyway.
I am however shocked by the number of posters who wouldn't help out.

TheRealMBJ · 05/08/2011 12:43

Chaotic when SIL asked me she, she said that he didn't want to leave his DS with the GPs overnight on Thursday night and would rather bring him with him.

Orchidee I don't think my character has been assassinated exotic may think I'm selfish but I do think most posts on here have been reasonable and although the majority agreed that they would do it (as I decided to do also) most posters understand that there would be some reticence in RL. Which, personally, I think is sensible when agreeing to care for another person's child. But then, I would, wouldn't I?

OP posts:

mrsbiscuits · 05/08/2011 12:32

Neither the OP nor the Father of the child were consulted on the issue of childcare it would seem....hmmmm me thinks SIL just wanted to get her work done and assumed that she had found the solution. Stop getting on the OP's case, it sounds like dad didn't really like the set up either and just felt railroaded into it.

The bottom line is that it is only manners to ask first and not assume. SIL was being the selfish one, she wasn't thinking of the child - IMHO just how she could get said child out of the way so that she could get father to work for her.

I too have family and friends that have been bereaved but have never heard that being used as an excuse for not arranging childcare when you need to go to work. Who looks after the child at other times? I agree if this had been a family friend of the OP than that would have been a completely different set of circumstances- however, even then I would have expected to be asked first.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 05/08/2011 11:51

"there were multiple other option including using a registered childminder, accepting my help within my boundaries or even leaving the child with his grandparents who live in the same town."

That's been niggling at me since I saw you mention it in a previous post. Surely the best option would be the grandparents?

I don't think refusing to do a favour is selfish. I've done loads of favours for people over the years and I've been happy to do them. I've also, for various reasons, refused to do some.

orchidee · 05/08/2011 11:46

SIL, without thinking it through, offered a childcare solution. The father did not feel that he could say no. When MBJ phoned to say that it was ok with her, but would he mind her taking the boy to her meeting, the father took the chance to say "Thanks but no thanks".

Yep, that's what I think too.

Let's face it, the dad is trying to set up a new business and one of his potential clients offered a childcare solution along with a job. He likely was caught on the hop and felt it would be rude to say "no". We've all been there... you get off the phone and think "why didn't I say x/y/z". Who knows the truth, but this sounds likely.

Anyway, poor OP, character assasinated on this thread

Laquitar · 05/08/2011 11:36

I think in RL most people would do it.

On the internet you analyze this for 2 days with all the 'ifs' and 'what about' etc but it is all theory, if we lived our lives according to some threads here we would never get out of the house, we would never trust anyone, never let people enter our house, never leave our dcs out of our sight. Of course never do anything from your heart, you need to analyse it for 48 hrs from every philosophical, political, legal side. (I'm not talking about op).

In OP's case i think that the man felt that you are not happy about doing it and thats why he said 'forget it'.

reelingintheyears · 05/08/2011 11:14

I don't think you're being in the least selfish.

I think it's entirely up to you and i think you shouldn't feel pressured to take on something you don't want for whatever reason.

TheRealMBJ · 05/08/2011 11:08

And I just want to make it clear that posting on here helped me to get ideas so that I could be comfortable in helping out. I don't see how that is trying to wriggle out of something.

There are other things that I have been told about this situation which makes me think that he is reluctant to let his DS out of his sight (which is entirely understandable, I probably would feel the same) but as it is, I have been turned down.

And I do feel sorry for the poor boy who will be spending the day in an office building, but there were multiple other option including using a registered childminder, accepting my help within my boundaries or even leaving the child with his grandparents who live in the same town.

OP posts:

TheRealMBJ · 05/08/2011 10:45

Look, exotic it is not a case of me wanting to appear caring and kind. I wanted to be sensible about this. I am sorry about you losing your spouse and am glad you found people helping you out.

And I'm not upset because [I] can't get off the hook without appearing selfish.

OP posts:

MmeLindor. · 05/08/2011 10:04

I think that Annieversaire is right.

SIL, without thinking it through, offered a childcare solution. The father did not feel that he could say no. When MBJ phoned to say that it was ok with her, but would he mind her taking the boy to her meeting, the father took the chance to say "Thanks but no thanks".

And comparing looking after a toddler for an eight hour day with babysitting for a couple of hours is not fair.

When I have a new babysitter, I ask her to come for a couple of hours to meet the DC and for them to get to know her. Then I leave them with her, am reasonably close by and can return if she needs us. All of our babysitters have had mothers who lived nearby, who I had met and had said that if there was a problem, their daughters would call them to come around until I could get home.

Even without this kind of set up, a couple of hours with a baby, presumably at night when the child is likely to be sleeping, is different to spending a whole day with a toddler. I spent the day with my 3yo niece recently and was exhausted at the end of the day. It is hard work.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 09:59

Simple if she couldn't because she booked-no one would expect her to change her arrangements-it would have let her off the hook. She is only upset because she doesn't want to do it and can't get off the hook without appearing selfish.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 09:46

I don't think that's fair.
Also SIL should have checked the availability of OP first, willingness not really relevant to that - OP might have been unable to offer to help whether she wanted to or not.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 09:36

I expect it didn't cross SIL mind that she wouldn't want to help out.
She isn't in a difficult position-she can simply say 'no' (after all she doesn't know him and will never meet him) she is only in a difficult position because she wants to refuse and still be seen as kind and caring-which isn't really possible-however much people try and justify it.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 09:33

Yes perhaps. It should have been made clear though. OP could have had a lot more plans than an NCT meeting. That wouldn't have helped the man, if the childcare SIL imagined had not been forthcoming at all.

everlong · 05/08/2011 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 09:25

I understand that. I really do, as much as I can from a non bereaved perspective and I respect that I might not fully get it as such.

However SIL waded in, pulling the OP with her, without asking first and put OP in a really difficult position.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 09:22

I am very thankful that people didn't approach me 'with caution' -they waded in. The worst are people who say 'call me if you need help'-of course you can't call them. The best are those who say 'I am going ....... on Tues-do you want to come?' You have the option of saying no.
SIL did the decent thing and waded in with, an easily workable, suggestion.
OP can say 'no' but I do get fed up with people saying 'no'and still wanting to seem a lovely, kind person by dressing it up as regard for the man and his DC when the bottom line is they simply don't want to do it. Say so-don't justify it (or try to)

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 09:16

yes but not a work crisis so much as one of bereavement, which you cannot solve however much you give him work...and free childcare etc etc

It's a different sort of crisis. As I said if he desperately needs the work, then by all means. If he doesn't (he's thinking about it - doesn't suggest urgency to me) then it's not a crisis.

everlong · 05/08/2011 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 09:14

I think you're misunderstanding my posts, Exoticfruits.

I do understand that this is for one day and is not a big deal, however the arguments for doing it are open to interpretation as meaning anything goes when someone has suffered a bereavement, which is not sensible.

I think maintaining normal boundaries is good for everyone not least the child who doesn't want everyone tiptoeing around and making exceptions and changing the structures he is used to.

I think these things need to be approached with caution, that';s all, because some people will lose all sense when faced with a situation like this and be so afraid of looking selfish or unkind that they go too far the other way.

I hope that makes more sense. FWIW I don't think a day would be a big deal and would probably do it myself - but I can understand why it feels uncomfortable for the OP and that's what I'm trying to explain with the wild illustrative comparisons.

everlong · 05/08/2011 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 05/08/2011 09:09

yes but where do you stop...should she therefore invite him to move in? go 100 miles to do his washing every week?
how is the bereavement crisis related to the work situation?

Good grief-this was a simple request to look after one small DC for one day!!

I am really glad that when I was widowed (I think that you find it comes top on a list of stressful situations) that I met a great deal of kindness. Had I read this first I would have despaired!

Obviously the man has had since May-all of 3 months-he should have pulled himself together, got his job and childcare sorted and have enough pride not to discuss his situation with anyone and not accepted any help-letting someone have his DC for the day must mean that he is expecting to be a permanant lodger with built in Nanny.

(sometimes if you didn't laugh at the attitude of some MNetters you would cry.)

mrskbpw · 05/08/2011 09:01

Oh for god's sake, help the man out. It is a nice thing to do. Presumably your sister in law has to be at work with the man, which is why she can't look after the little boy. Don't make such a fuss. Help out because it's the right thing to do and maybe one day you'll need help and someone will help you. And whoever suggested the little boy would be distraught at being left with strangers - his mummy has just died. I imagine he's had quite a lo of upheaval in his short life. The least of his worries will be left to play with a kind lady and another toddler for a couple of hours. Just do it! X

annieversaire · 05/08/2011 08:55

sorry, i'm refereeing my children and typing dreadfully.

I mean however upset he is I don't think it means everyone should drop all boundaries and do things they wouldn't normally do in every aspect of his life.

I think that can be counterproductive. It won't take away his emotional pain to have extra work somewhere with his ds being looked after for a day.

I don't think it works like that.

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