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AIBU?

To not want to provide childcare to...

190 replies

TheRealMBJ · 03/08/2011 22:52

a recently bereaved father for a day?

A bit of background: a friend of my SIL lost his dearly beloved DW in May, only 18 months (or so) after the birth of their son. He has given up his job and started his own business in order to be more flexible and be able to have his DS home with him.

SIL, being the lovely person that she is, has offers him some work (he is a contractor, let's say) for which he will be in town on Friday. As it is quite a commute from where he lives he will be coming up on Thursday evening and bringing his DS with. He will be busy working between 9am and 3pm on Friday.

Now, he obviously does not have childcare in place. SIL (childless) has asked if I'd look after him.

I have met friend and his DS once over ice cream for about 1.5hours. He and DS did not get on particularly well (not badly but not brilliantly either IYKWIM) and that is it. I am not a childminder/nanny/nursery nurse etc and I have no experience of child care other than my own.

I just don't feel very comfortable looking after this child in this ad hoc manner. I have suggested SIL contact the CHildren's Centre as they may be able to help with suggesting a sessional childcare provider. She however feels he might no be comfortable leaving his child with someone he doesn't know. (Well, he doesn't know me FGS)

I appreciate that it is a difficult time for him and that he needs help, but feel like his (and SIl's) inability to sort out childcare has somehow been made my problem, which pisses me off.

DH is of the opinion that I should 'just help the poor man out'

AIBU to refuse?

OP posts:

Report

trixymalixy · 03/08/2011 23:29

If it's for only one day then I think you would be mean to not help out.

flangeismyfaveword · 03/08/2011 23:33

TBH i think you re making a mountain out of a molehill, (as lots of people on here seem to do).
Where is the fuss. You are at home with your child a friend of a friend needs help for a couple hours, What is the problem!!
All this talk of insurance and cm legitimcies. Madness.
I assume you have car insurance? if so then what is the biggie bout taking another child in the car wuth you?
As Mary said one day you may need to call upon someone with little or no notice and I hope they dont first seek advice from mumsnet

Maryz · 03/08/2011 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealMBJ · 03/08/2011 23:35

Good idea Rhinestone

I think I'll do that. I don't want to be mean, but I also don't want to get myself into a sticky situation.

To clarify, we met recently when he and his son were visiting my SIL and she didn't know what to do with a man and a toddler in the afternoon, so I agreed to meet them for an ice cream at the local play farm place.

OP posts:

ravenAK · 03/08/2011 23:35

I'd do it as a one-off, thinking of it as a 'play date' rather than childcare.

however, I'd make the phonecall Rhinestone suggests, & I'd have a quiet word with SIL to say it HAD to be a one off - otherwise you're edging dangerously close to unregistered CM territory, I think.

But I'd definitely be with your dh re: helping this poor family out.

TheRealMBJ · 03/08/2011 23:40

flange I think you're being a little unfair. I have admitted that I'm inexperienced in this sort of thing and posting on here has actually changed my mind.

Is it so terrible to want to gauge the opinion of your contemporaries?

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 03/08/2011 23:44

Well, Ok, if it is a one off and you do want to do it then fine. And of course the dad is in a terrible situation. But starting your own business is not necessarily more flexible. You have to work around your clients. So is he only going to be able to work for people who can rope their SIL in to provide childcare? Doit if you want to do it but YANBU if you dont. And while of course I have sympathy for his situation, he really needs to think about how he can make a business work without reliable childcare.

Now flame me!

flangeismyfaveword · 03/08/2011 23:45

No MBJ it is not terrible to want to gauge opinion but surely before you even typed it the words ..recently bereaved father..childcare? should have made you question yourself.

If it were a friend of a friend of mine who had recently lost his/her partner I know for a fact I would not be scoping opinions on mn regarding childcare and merely thinking about the poor bloomin children

LineRunner · 03/08/2011 23:46

I've just read the whole thread in one hit, and it all sounds a bit odd tbh, OP.

You keep banging on and on about how you are essentially strangers. On and on. In many ways.

SO DON'T DO IT.

snippywoo2 · 03/08/2011 23:56

You don't want to do it, don't do it. Don't be guilt tripped into it by others fgs. You don't know the bloke or his child, everyone and his friend has a back story tbh. Yes it is sad his wife died but you don't know him and its not your responsibility to take on other peoples woes. Your sil took him on, its her job to sort it, not put it on you cos you happen to be related.

flangeismyfaveword · 03/08/2011 23:56

Line Runner... My point exactly! who would have a query about this? I hav often looked after other peoples children as a short term favour , emergency option. and have unfortunatly once had to ask a neighbour to look after my child as i was awaiting an ambulance for m/c if my then neighbour would have had to scout opinions or check car insurance regulations i would hav been well and truly fucked

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 00:00

What do you mean odd? It is strange I agree, I certainly wouldn't want someone I've only met one with no qualifications to look after my DS, but I'm not desperate.

But as I love my SIL, and she is trying to do a nice thing for him, and don't want to be a bitch. But I feel a little uncomfortable with it and having read that other mothers would be happy to help, has made me reassess my position and I am going to agree to help but will be explaining clearly as Rhinestone has suggested that I'm not trained and that it would be a 'play date' type senario rather than childcare.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 04/08/2011 00:06

So now that you have a group of strangers on the internet telling you that they WOULD do something that you didn't want to do because it involved you being a stranger to someone, you've changed your mind and are going to do it.

Yeah, odd.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 04/08/2011 00:09

You would be mean not to help him out in these circs. You are just basically babysitting for his child and he is someone who really needs the help. Why not just take him along to your NCT get together and all the kids can play together?

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 00:23

No, a group of strangers on the Internet have given me ideas as to how to set out the boundaries in this situation so that I can feel comfortable helping out some one who obviously needs help.

If I had absolutely decided not to help out I would never have bothered asking, would I? I came on here because I can see and appreciate this man's need but still felt uncomfortable with the situation. Having no experience of these sort of things I am glad that other posters on here could give me some practical tips on how to approach the situation, rather than immediately using judgemental, emotive language and calling me odd for having concerns.

So thank you Rhinestone and Maryz

snippy I agree with you that this man needs to sort out his child are issues in the future, but I do think a little Extra-kindness, once off, would be ok.

I probably didn't word my question correctly (nor post in the right place I should know better, really) but am glad that I did get some ideas.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 04/08/2011 00:27

Really, you're welcome.

As is your editor.

TheRealMBJ · 04/08/2011 00:29

Please do me the courtesy of at least doing a search on my posting name before insinuating that I am a troll.

I am a regular poster (not well known perhaps - but regular) and not a writer/journalist/blogger/trouble maker.

OP posts:

snippywoo2 · 04/08/2011 01:16

Your own posts

I have met friend and his DS once over ice cream for about 1.5hours

I have suggested SIL contact the CHildren's Centre as they may be able to help with suggesting a sessional childcare provider.

I'm not trained and it would be a 'play date' type senario rather than childcare.

He will be busy working between 9am and 3pm on Friday

I am not a childminder/nanny/nursery nurse etc and I have no experience of child care other than my own.

I just don't feel very comfortable looking after this child in this ad hoc manner.

He will be busy working between 9am and 3pm on Friday

your child minding, no getting away from it whether you call it that or not so are liable if anything happens

seeker · 04/08/2011 01:25

I am constantly amazed by the horrible, men spirited, selfish, I'm all right Jack attitude of mums netters. I am ao glad my real life experience reassures me that mums netters are not typical.

snippywoo2 · 04/08/2011 01:52

seeker, its nothing to do with the I'm alright jack attitude.

If you look after a friends child who knows you and you them fair enough.

This is about looking after the child of someone you dont know personally, and what it entails. Its all very well saying ok I'll do it, but you put yourself up for all sorts of problems if anything goes wrong and you have to cover yourself if that happens.

ninedragons · 04/08/2011 02:01

Good for you for deciding to help out.

Poor bugger must be really struggling to find his feet. You see the (thankfully quite rare) bereavement threads here when a poster's DH has died and she gets 900 posts saying "anything you need, unmumsnetty hugs" but here is your chance in real life to do something for someone in a situation we'd all HATE to find ourselves in.

snippywoo2 · 04/08/2011 02:19

who are you to call him a 'poor bugger' and assume hes struggling to find his feet, child care aside. I bet he'd be really pissed off to find you labelling him this way I would, its very patronising.

ninedragons · 04/08/2011 02:21

Oh for fuck's sake - if you can't express sympathy for a WIDOWER, there is something seriously wrong with you.

snippywoo2 · 04/08/2011 02:25

so your expressing sympathy is calling him a 'poor bugger' I think the fault lies with you tbh

snippywoo2 · 04/08/2011 02:29

the thread is not about him being a widower it is about him leaving his child with a stranger he knows nothing about to take on work.

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