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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate to comment on others parenting, BUT...

557 replies

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 03/08/2011 19:18

I've just seen a post on facebook saying that someone is proud that their 6 week old baby has just eaten a whole jar of puree... Shock

Has anyone else seen examples of interesting parenting first hand that they thought were the stuff of MN myth? I honestly didnt think that people this, ahem, naive existed!

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 05/08/2011 00:42

Wow - who is using the passive aggressive smiley now?

strictlovingmum · 05/08/2011 00:46

Yes it got a bit out of hand, just a tad!!!!!

CardyMow · 05/08/2011 00:58

My Ds2 has asd, and food issues that often go along with that. He DOES get dished up a huge range of fruit and veg. However, He doesn't eat them. Now I cook the same food for everyone, tonight was pork chops with turmeric rice, mixed peppers, peas, and baby corn. He ate everything except the mixed peppers and peas. In fact , we are making progress only now at 7.8yo. He has finally started to eat : Carrots, sweetcorn, brocolli and sweet potato. Fruit wise, he now eats bananas and strawberries. That's IT.

It's NOT that he isn't given them - my other dc will eat just about any fruit and vegetable, butternut squash, courgettes, cabbage, pak choi, beansprouts, guava, lychee, you name it, they'll eat it. DS2 JUST WONT.

I DO get judgy about people letting their 4/5yo's drink from a teated bottle though. In fact, I get judgy about people letting anyone older than 4yo drink from a baby beaker too. Only one of mine had a bottle past 1yo, or a beaker past 2yo, and that was because he was SN, and had muscle problems, and found it difficult to coordinate himself to drink from a cup without spilling it. It's so bad for their teeth.

strictlovingmum · 05/08/2011 01:02

Going back to the original OP;
this isn't just about nutrition, what our children will eat or not eat, who is the better parent, or better cook.
Some of the posts witnessed some appalling parenting, I mean bottom of the barrel staff, and fundamentally that is what needs changing, how to do change it, well frankly I don't know, none us probably know.
Children shouted at, sworn at, kicked, belittled, and so on, it looks nutrition is least of our problems.Sad

ThePosieParker · 05/08/2011 08:03

It's pretty obvious that those saying if their hungry they will eat have no idea what they're talking about. Of course it's true of children without food phobia and many children are just a bit fussy but for some children with serious food issues it's a terrible thing to suggest.

I've seen a child be half a stone underweight at 4 years old because he associated food with pain, from a bacterial stomach infection in infancy. I've seen his parents feel crushed and worn out as daily they battled with food, allowing him to skip meals (as if he's hungry he'll eat), punishing and rewarding.....trying everything and anything to make him eat.

They finally sought help from a psychologist who advised them to allow him to eat whatever he wanted and whenever. This established an appetite.

ThePosieParker · 05/08/2011 08:04

they're hungry...not their

Catslikehats · 05/08/2011 08:17

Quite strict my mind is boggling at the idea of not offering 29 different fruits and veg a week being the same as allowing your baby to drink coke or a primary school child to smoke.

bumbleymummy · 05/08/2011 08:20

Posie, how many fussy or difficult eaters fall into that category though? Do you think that all children who don't eat should be given whatever they want, whenever they want just in case they do have more serious issues?

Tbh I don't think eating whatever, whenever is necessarily a bad idea if the 'whatever' is actually controlled by the parents to an extent. We found that DS2 preferred eating little and often so provided lots of healthy snacks throughout the day. This kind of crosses into the 'what they dont know, they won't ask for' territory in that if you don't have 'junk' food in the house then they could end up eating quite healthily if left to their own devices whereas if you have cupboards full of crisps, cake and chocolate a child will probably not get beyond those things if he's allowed to take whatever, whenever.

Sirzy · 05/08/2011 08:32

Even with fussy eaters the "don't offer anything else and they will eat eventually" doesn't always work. I was that fussy eater, certain I didn't like the foods so I wouldn't eat them full stop, I would go hungry instead.

I actually find it quiet worrying that a hv would advise such a course of action, although if has reminded me why I ignore most of what they say!

Wallissimpson · 05/08/2011 08:55

I'm with Bumbley, strict lovingmum and captain.
It's our job as parents to provide healthy food.

If it isn't in the house, they can't eat it. Mine are all in school now but I still don't keep crisps, squash or fizzy or sweets in the house. Never had a complaint from them either. We are a very sporty family so nutrition is a big deal and none of us like eating crap. Makes you feel crap.
If any of mine demanded nowt but crisps and squash they would literally starve. And they know it !

Birdsgottafly · 05/08/2011 08:55

Bumbley-i think that Posie's point was that there are real reasons why DC's dont eat. I listed some of these in my earlier post. The problem builds up if the DC then goes into other people's houses, including family. There are numerous threads on here about IL's feeding crap and if the DC then starts to get fussy, the parent has a real problem on their hands.

There is different data to suggest if a bad diet between 3-5 is actually that harmful as we 'lay down' health at all stages of life, nutrionally speaking. I think that there is to much judgement heaped onto parents regarding food. I am not talking about the giving of Coke etc to babies, but the less extreme cases.

Birdsgottafly · 05/08/2011 08:59

Wallis- put in the mix of needing the IL's to do childcare because you are really struggling as a family and it all goes pear shaped, there is to much condemnation, sometimes given individual circumstances you can, or should be able to, understand why some situations have happened.

I never had problems with my DC's, but i did have to have many an arguement with my DM because she bought Cocpops and chocolate daily.

Wallissimpson · 05/08/2011 09:00

Lots of children are indulged, let's face it. Part of the problem is the cooking of different meals for different people at different times. Back in the day you had one meal, one sitting, eat or go hungry.

My house is the same. It works.

Lots of people seem to feed their kids shit at 5 and they eat decent stuff at 8. What is that teaching them? And that's a particularly middle class problem and I see it very frequently. Cheap frozen shit for the kids, steak and oysters for mummy and daddy.

Birdsgottafly · 05/08/2011 09:03

I don't think that it is a middleclass problem, the working class, do actually work, as well and so meal times have to be different.

It is education, i see more WC than MC in my job and many do not have a cliue about nutrition, it needs to be kept on the scholls agenda.

This isn't the fault of the parents, we moved over to ready meals without knowing the danger during the eighties.

ThePosieParker · 05/08/2011 09:11

Wallis and Bumbley. Mine too....but if after a few weeks of trying! lots of strategies I would try other methods. Yesterday DC4 wouldn't even try lunch.....so he had no ice lolly (home made). But if at every mealtime we had true stress and torment I would understand that we had other issues.

I can tell you categorically that the child I know lives in a 'healthy eating' household, he associated pain with food. He was starving, not sleeping as he was so hungry and in order to get through it his parents needed help,. Children can starve, he had low iron and other vitamins. If his parents had stuck to the 'he won't starve' mantra he may have been hospitalised.,

ThePosieParker · 05/08/2011 09:16

I was lucky all mine ate, even DS1 who is a supertaster would eat sprouts, all fish, all vegetables except suede. But they're not great with 'sloppy' food, ie sauces. We're now exploring more spicy food, which is interesting. DS2 and DD have eaten prawn heads, squid, shark, swordfish......you name it. But it is luck.

I can't imagine how I would respond if they refused to eat for days, I'd rather they had a Krispy Kreme donut for breakfast than starve, who wouldn't?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 05/08/2011 09:35

captain - a couple of questions for you...

How do you know that children in poor countries don't have eating disorders? And have you ever actually seen the baby food aisle of a French supermarket?

ShirleyKnot · 05/08/2011 09:35

SHIT!

Drank too much Wine last night - clearly went slightly mental.

Sorry!

Blush
Birdsgottafly · 05/08/2011 09:49

Captain-just read your comment about 'war years', the advice about changing weaning patterns have come about because of the rise in bowel cancer in the 'war years DC's', now adults, the evap milk comment was correct, many mothers gave their babies it and weaned at a few weeks old.

There wasn't the processed food around and the fats used have changed that is what is causing the problem. It is difficult to know what is decent bread now, but if you went back to the war years many DC's did eat jam butties and had high fat foods there just wasn't as many. Poor families ate dripping on bread. If you read the lables on foods nearly everything is high fat and sugar. Parenting wasn't any better, the food about was different.

It is education that is needed, in most cases, not smugness by other parents.

LadyBeagleEyes · 05/08/2011 09:57

I thought you were great Shirley Grin

usualsuspect · 05/08/2011 09:59
Grin
ShirleyKnot · 05/08/2011 10:08

I was alright until I went:

"AND I AM FUCKING WELL REPORTING YOU ALL TO THE POLICE!"

That was a bit mad. Grin

I'm just relieved I didn't venture onto that abortion thread. It would have gone all sorts of wrong!

usualsuspect · 05/08/2011 10:15

The morning after drunken posting is always a bit Blush

We have all been there Grin

spudulika · 05/08/2011 10:25

"DS2 and DD have eaten prawn heads, squid, shark, swordfish......you name it. But it is luck."

It's not just luck.

Children will normally reject a proportion of the food you offer them - the same proportion apparently whether you offer them 20 foods or 100.

Parents who offer a very wide range of foods and continue to offer those foods in the face of repeated rejection are less likely to end up with fussy children.

TheBigJessie · 05/08/2011 10:28

The earlier post about bottle-cap-feeding babies Irn-Bru reminds me of a time I was judged (and in my opinion judged unfairly, naturally).

I was bottle-cap-feeding a one-year-old water from a bottle of water. He wasn't spilling any, so it wasn't that. A shop assistant gave me a funny look, and later, as we left the store, I heard her say, "Did you see that woman with the babies?"

She probably thought the toddlers should have had a proper beaker. What she didn't know was that they'd had one, but on the way to her charming store, it had been thrown out of the pushchair. It landed, spout first, in a pile of broken glass. Obviously I wasn't sticking that in anyone's mouth again until it had been thoroughly cleaned.

I wandered along, feeling indignant, and then I noticed that the quiet, placid toddler of the day had been sitting quietly, because he was clutching the remains of his earlier snack/lunch. She was quite possibly judging the food for both a)quality and b) its presence in the shop.

I felt guilty.