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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

well it's really Am I Being Naive?

59 replies

allsmeggedup · 02/08/2011 21:20

So a male colleague has been coming on to me for months. Today we had a conversation where I told him (again) "Not interested, stop making suggestions, show some respect to your wife and my DP" and he basically called me naive for thinking people are actually faithful! He said that 'everyone' has a little fun and if I think my DP (who works away Mon-Fri) doesn't then I'm wrong. He said he has, his wife has and all of our colleagues have 'messed around' on nights out but people hide it from me cause I'm such a prude.
Yes he's a prick - that's not up for debate. And yes his behaviour is reprehensible - again not up for debate.

What I want to know is ... Is everyone else really doing the dirty on their OH's? I totally trust my OH - but this dickwad has really made me question my blind faith in my own and everyone else's relationships.
Am I stupidly naive (don't know where those wee dots are to make it properly ni-eeve)?
(And yes I know it's just a ploy - everyone else does it so you should do it with me. But I wonder just how widespread 'messing around' is)

OP posts:
squeaver · 02/08/2011 21:39

On the few occasions that married men have tried it on with me or any of my friends, that is the line they ALL come out with. Funny that.

puzzlesum · 02/08/2011 21:45

I had a friend who used the line that he didn't think he was biologically capable of being faithful to one person long term. Glad I'm not his former OW to whom he is now married! Oops!

TattyDevine · 02/08/2011 21:45

Nope. You may well work in one of those offices/industries where it is rife (and they do exist) but generally speaking, in my circle, people are faithful as far as I am aware, nobody would ever boast about an affair, generally they would only happen in extreme secrecy if a relationship was already in trouble. There is no "culture" of it in my "world" so to speak.

If there is in his, you are either in a dogey office or he keeps very bad company.

That said, they do happen - of course they do - but its when they are done so flippantly and without forethought or consideration or feeling or reason that I think its more of a culture of it than human emotions or human physical desires getting in the way of treating people with respect, etc...

GrendelsMum · 02/08/2011 21:46

What a load of bollocks. I don't know anyone who treats working away as a chance to sleep around. Most of my colleagues (young babies, etc) treat it as a chance to get a night's sleep and eat a cooked breakfast made by someone else. Everyone sits around at breakfast saying things like 'that was the first uninterrupted night's sleep since X was born' - men and women.

greycircles · 02/08/2011 21:48

Well. Not everyone is doing the dirty on their OHs, but there are plenty who are. The cheaters are a minority, but actually a sizeable minority IME.

  1. Take a look at the relationships board. And those are only the ones who have been caught.

  2. My DH has cheated with a work colleague. At the time, our kids were 3 and 1 and this "lady" had a partner and child as well.

  3. In my DB's office, the boss (man) is openly sleeping with a more junior woman. Boss got found out by partner (again, a child involved) and he has ditched partner and child and run off with female colleague.

  4. It was certainly happening in my old office. Female colleague with partner of 7 years, sleeping with male colleague. Also happening in my previous office.

Having said that, I've been married 10 years and never cheated. My brother had not cheated on his wife either.

OP, it's not that you're being naive, it's just that there are some people who are deceitful and immoral. The "man" you refer to in your OP seems to be one of them. I would just say no, but not elaborate - don't let him engage you in such a mindless conversation again.

Original poster
allsmeggedup · 02/08/2011 21:51

Cheers everyone.
Faith is restored.

He is a cock of the highest order.
I have - for 12 years - and intend to continue being totally faithful to my totally faithful DP.
I think after today's conversation he's pretty likely to leave me alone as he basically got cross and called me a frigid old no fun-er. What a tit.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 02/08/2011 21:54

Puzzlesum is right as well! DP's ex was coming on to him when we first got together, and he tried to put her off saying "I'm sorry but I'm with Bertie now, and anyway, I'm not interested in you." I told him he should have said it the other way around, because people who think cheating is no big deal will hear the "I'm with someone else" line as a barrier to get over, rather than a final "No". It was nice to hear that being with someone is more important to him than whether or not he fancies someone though :)

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2011 21:56

Naïve is the spelling with the little dots! And, I don't cheat, don't expect DH to and this man is a cock.

biddysmama · 02/08/2011 21:59

erm... what the point in being with someone if you are just going to go with someone else Hmm

Joolyjoolyjoo · 02/08/2011 22:02

I don't think you are being naive, I think he is a sleaze.

Glad to see so many people on here going against his supposition that everyone is at it. It's the same mentality that says "well, everyone else nicks from office supplies," or "everyone else rips off their insurance company"- a really nasty amoralistic attitude that seems to be creeping into some of society today, and which I find abhorrent. What a sad creepy little man.

puzzlesum · 02/08/2011 22:03

My Christ. Do men still really try that line of "you must be frigid if you won't sleep with me"? How very 1970s of them, because obviously having taste and being frigid are exactly the same thing Hmm. I'm amazed you managed not to laugh, allsmeggedup. That said, I find the idea of one colleague telling another they are frigid and no fun pretty stomach-churning Shock

TandB · 02/08/2011 22:08

Over 10 years with DP and no cheating here!

Your colleague clearly has no success with his looks and charm so has to resort to put-downs and whining.

Bunbaker · 02/08/2011 22:13

"Is everyone else really doing the dirty on their OH's?"

No. Over 30 years here and no-one else. It's not difficult if you are with the right partner.

Whatmeworry · 02/08/2011 22:16

I think most studies I have read say between 1/3rd and 1/2 of people will cheat at some point in a relationship, but they are not all at it all of the time so at any one point it's far smaller.

BertieBotts · 02/08/2011 22:24

"Frigid" is a fucking awful word as well.

InTheNightKitchen · 02/08/2011 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vicky2011 · 02/08/2011 22:36

Hmmm, being verbally abused because you wouldn't sleep with a colleague. Think HR might be interested to know about that OP.

CatFlaps · 02/08/2011 22:37

Effin idiot! You are NOT being naive!

Original poster
allsmeggedup · 02/08/2011 22:38

Thank you.
And thank you.
Shall I make it a little more worser?
I'm his manager!
I know I sound like a right wet blanket twat but...
He is soooo popular. Everyone loves this man.
I have worked with him - and liked him - for 10 years.
He is schmarmy-charmy and to begin with yeah I did respond probably a bit too gigglyly to his flirts. He is 'funny' flirty/inappropriate with everyone.
Then I moved up through the ranks from his equal colleague to his manager. I think I pissed him off months ago by saying Stop being flirty wih me - I don't appreciate it and you need to be more respectful to me. So he upped the ante with lots of little quiet comments. Today he was talking - seriously - about local hotels where he could get a room for an afternoon.
I have spoke to lots of other staff and thay all find him funny, not offensive, bit try-to-shock ish.

I don't know how many others he has won over with his schmarm - I dread to think.

OP posts:
Happylander · 02/08/2011 22:38

God no. Don't have the energy or inclination and the idea of having sex with someone other than my lovely DH is really quite repulsive. I wouldn't risk losing him for some cheap shag. Mine doesn't live me with Mon-Fri either and I really don't think he is at it because he would lose me. The guy is a total prick!

Happylander · 02/08/2011 22:41

Just read your last comment and he is harrassing you and you should report him to HR although this may not make you popular. Or you could get a witness in and tell him that if he doesn't stop making sexual suggestions to you that you will report him. He is clearly jealous.

Al0uiseG · 02/08/2011 22:42

Isn't it sexual harassment? Can't you sack him or give him a warning or a yellow card or whatever you have to do these days before you can sack the twat him.

hairfullofsnakes · 02/08/2011 22:43

He sounds like a real catch... NOT

What a fucking twat!

GrendelsMum · 02/08/2011 22:47

It's a power play, isn't it? It's his nasty little way of putting you down - you're not his manager, you're a woman he can target for sex, much like a prostitute.

I think you should take this over to the Employment board to get some HR input on this. Really, if any of the male colleagues I go away with ever talked to me like this, I would be on the phone to HR straight away. Except that, as I say, they say things like 'aah, nice to have some sleep'.

piprabbit · 02/08/2011 22:48
  1. he only said it to try and hurt you for daring to reject him.
  2. sounds like sexual harassment to me.
  3. most people I know are faithful - and have all been genuinely shocked when they come across somebody who has been unfaithful to a long term partner.
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