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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be told that if my 3.0 DD does not start to talk.....

84 replies

catwoman2011 · 01/08/2011 16:00

I went in for a review of my DD at nursery to be told that she does not communicate whilst she is there for her 16hspas week and that if she does not pick up her speech, we will be forced to send her to school.

We plan to home educate all of our children from the age of 5. I didn't have a very good experience of the 6 schools I went to and most of my qualifications have come from 16yrs in the TA. I now just have to do my degree, finish the DTLLLS and I get my PGCE which I hope use to tutor children after school in English and maths.

Now DD is fine at home (sometimes it is a job to keep her quiet) but at nursery they are concerned. They were happy that she was making friends but we go to ballet every week where she made friends instantly. There I was expecting to go in with her, when she held the teachers hand, said bye bye and closed the door behind them.

DD didn't talk for quite a while but we started using sign language at 18 months and since then she is coming on really well.

This isn't really about being told we cannot homeschool but more about not being able to choose as her responsible parents.

AIBU to think that when a woman has a baby that others seem to have the right to tell you how to bring up the child as if they are the property of the state??

Grrrr!

OP posts:
Twinkiesmum · 01/08/2011 17:26

Are you a stay at home mum? Just wondering why you send her to nursery if you don't plan to send her to school?

Chummybud1 · 01/08/2011 17:43

I think to say a child won't be ready in 2 years is crazy, that means you and the nursery have 2 years to work together so that she is ready wether that be at school or home. If the nursery is worried about her speech or behaviour to that extent why is no referral being made either language therapy or child psychologist. If I was told that my daughter who is 3 won't be ready for school in two years I would laugh, 2 years is almost half of her life. I am sorry but I would be demanding a meeting and a better explanation.

BallerinaBetty · 01/08/2011 17:46

I don't know if this will help but my dd(4) is a little chatterbox at home but at her pre-school she would barely speak unless it was to my friend who worked there. She gradually began to talk more to her keyworker but as recently as March both pre-school and I had concerns about how she would manage at school. However all of a sudden it was like a switch went on in her head and she started to chatter away there all the time. There are some people she steadfastly refuses to speak to (lollipop lady for one!) and she is quiet at ballet - although comes alive when she dances so much so she won a medal (sorry proud mum!)

I don't really have any view on home ed and whether you should or not - thats up to you as her parent. I think the nursery are maybe being a bit quick to say she won't be ready for school - if there are communication problems surely they should be working with you and possibly looking at speech therapy if they are that concerned.

DeWe · 01/08/2011 17:48

I am certain that pretty much no one, certainly without a court order, could force you to send her to school. Let alone a nursery. What power do they think they have over what you do when your child's left? Confused
If she's communicating at home, personally I wouldn't be concerned. If she's not saying anything at all at nursery it might be worth seeing if there's a reason. A friend of mine had selective mutism (I think that's the right term) because she was teased about her accent, she was a lot older though. It may be juts she's reacting against them saying "Can you say *? Can you say it? etc" as they try and persuade her to speak.

WilsonFrickett · 01/08/2011 17:54

But if she's only 3 why are they talking about what may or may not happen in 2 years? That is another lifetime for DCs and there is no reason to suppose she won't catch up. Are you sure there isn't some breakdown in communication between you and nursery OP?

I think 2 years is an exceptionally long time in the life of a pre-schooler. Your nursery is raising concerns and you should take them seriously - they are trained and they do pick things up - like my DS communication disorder which was completely missed by the pead. It was only the nursery insisting (sometimes forcefully) that no, there was something wrong, which drove me to push for a second referral and (eventual) DX. And there were times when I hated them for pointing things out and I hated them for pushing, and I just wanted them to shut up, but they were right.

They are raising a huge red flag and I think you would be wrong to ignore it because what you are hearing isn't 'we think there is a problem' but 'you are wrong to even consider home school'.

Don't mean to be harsh - and if there is a problem that wouldn't necessarily stop you HS either, but you have to make the right decision for the child you have, rather than the child you dreamed of - or indeed the child you were in the past.

Oakmaiden · 01/08/2011 17:57

My daughter's speech was very delayed, and she didn't speak at all at nursery school at 3 years old (I remember asking them if they thought her speech was OK for her age, and they said they didn't know as they never heard her speak).

Fast forward 4 years and she had the leading role in the Infant school Christmas play (and it was quite a significantly leading role too) and is definitely the "alpha girl" in her class.

I mention this in order to boast about my wonderful daughter just to help illustrate that 3 is far too young to make predictions about how your child will cope in school based on not speaking at nursery - particularly if she is speaking at home.

BimboNo5 · 01/08/2011 17:57

Im also confused why you send her to nursery yet plan to home school?

FabbyChic · 01/08/2011 18:04

Its mean and selfish to home school, children need to socialise and learn social skills, make friends and be part of a community which is school.

I am amazed that the problems that you suffered will inhibit your childrens futures.

Madness.

PenguinArmy · 01/08/2011 18:07

Fabby I didn't realise that those skills and experiences can only be found in a school

Pseudo341 · 01/08/2011 18:11

It really sounds like a different nursery is a good idea. You say you don't drive and can't walk very far, could you cycle and get one of those seats for her on the back? Might increase your range a bit and therefore hopefully your nursery options too. If your mobility's really bad could you get a mobility scooter and get her to stand on the foot plate in front of you? I take my DD on my lap on my wheelchair and we go all over the place (people do double takes wherever we go!)

zzzzz · 01/08/2011 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chummybud1 · 01/08/2011 18:20

Fabbychic don't think this discussion is about the rights and wrong of home schooling, if you wish to discuss open a new thread to do so.

ObiWan · 01/08/2011 18:21

Fabby were your social skills finely honed at a school ?Hmm Along with your ability, to appreciate the choices and opinions of others?

MumblingRagDoll · 01/08/2011 18:22

My DD spoke at 12 months...and in formed sentences by 18 months but at 3 when she went to nursery she became selectively mute for a whole year.

Shes 7 now and fine....you go wih your own instinct. You know best as her parent.

MumblingRagDoll · 01/08/2011 18:23

Fabby you're a fruitcake.

zzzzz · 01/08/2011 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sleepglorioussleep · 01/08/2011 18:37

Why would you need a pgce to home school? It does seem that your ideas of education and what is needed at deferent stages are a bit muddled. And it seems strange to choose nursery but then not school. But as to the nursery having much say in how or where you educate your children, yanbu.

Oakmaiden · 01/08/2011 18:41

sleep - I think she wants to do a PGCE so that she can earn money as a tutor in the evenings, not so that she will be capable of home schooling.

saladsandwich · 01/08/2011 18:41

just wondering what the exact words where of the nursery, they cannot force you to do anything they may have just been thinking on the lines of "you will have to send her to school to bring her speech on " i dont think they meant they would be doing the forcing,,, may be wrong though

i think maybe just working with the nursery try find out why your lo isnt talking there xx

CoteDAzur · 01/08/2011 19:18

"Everyone bases their parenting on their own experiences of childhood"

Sure, but not to such a degree as to prevent their DC from benefiting from an entire school education because she "didn't have a very good experience of school". Like, I didn't like PE classes, so my DC won't be doing any sports.

TimeWasting · 01/08/2011 19:24

How about preventing children from suffering from an entire school education and benefiting from not being in a school environment?

You obviously think school is on the whole positive for the majority of children.
Other people think school is generally less than wholly positive.
Some of these people know a lot about the subject of home education too.

Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 19:25

When I read the title I though you were trying to get your 30DD's to talk!!

Notes to self: Get used to the MN acronyms.

zzzzz · 01/08/2011 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alowVera · 01/08/2011 19:37

I can't see how the nursery could "force" you to send your dd to school.
As long as you are able to provide an education for her, which you have stated you can, then I don't see that there is a problem.
Some nursery teachers are anti HS, and I have come across a few (and I don't HS, but my friend does, and she sent both her DCs to nursery)

CoteDAzur · 01/08/2011 19:39

"I didn't realise that those skills and experiences can only be found in a school"

You should.

Homeschooled children can of course mix with other children during activities, but that is nowhere near the intense social experiment that is a full school year - every day, going through the same lessons and same examinations together, seeing others learn in different ways/speeds, working as teams, competing, sometimes winning, sometimes losing, standing up in front of your class, cooperating, jealousy, pride, belonging within social groups, failing to belong etc. Even the bullying that can sometimes happen in schools is a valuable learning experience. You cannot replicate this by taking your kids for walks in the forest or signing them up for a ballet class.

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