pushchair politics - AIBU?

[TheLaminator]

I have a friend who lives on the same street as me. Our boys are both 3yrs old with just a few weeks between them. They play together really well & we see quiet alot of each other.
Although me & my friend are pretty much on the same page when it comes to parenting, her son has definatley had more freedoms than mine, which has sometimes caused small problems, but nothing major.
Now that the boys are a little older we go out & about for the day, into town, museums etc.
My issue now is that my friend NEVER straps her son in the pushchair. He is free to jump in and out when ever he pleases. My son is strapped in the pram at all times that I feel is nessecary, busy roads, getting on & off the bus, when were in a hurry etc. I also have a 5 month old, whenever we go out 3yr old is on the buggy board or I take the double buggy. The last few times we have been out together I have had problems with my sons behavoiur - manily due to the fact he is not aloud to swing round like a monkey on the bus, or run around freely like his friend is. I had to abondon a day out the other day (get off the bus early & come home, as this is what i had threatened to do if he didnt start behaving properly - he was basically sceaming and shouting at me because I wa asking him to sit still & not to wriggle out of the pushchair). If we are walking up the street at the same time, my friend lets her little one walk ahead & she trusts him to wait at the crossings for her <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Hmm" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/hmm-PR4o6B1t.png">. we are practically in the city centre & are surrounded by really busy roads. A couple of times now my boy has jumped of the buggy board without warning to run up & join his friend. Recently my friends son has started to laugh at my son whenever he is strapped in and he isnt, doingNAHnahnahnah - nah - your a big baby in a pram My friend will tell her son off for this, which is fine. but I just wish she could see that if for the ten minute tops we are in transit she strapped her son in, this wouldnt happen. They have plenty of opportunity to run around & play when we get to where we are going. She thinks Im a nervous mum & that its different because I have a baby to keep an eye on too. I dont think I am nervous, i think Im sensible and want to keep my little one safe in busy places. Even if I didnt have the baby I wouldnt let my son walk alone along a really busy street alone, I dont think 3yr old should be practsing their road saftey skills alone on a really busy road. To add to this, shes using a pushcahir I loaned to them & its now knackered & dirty because the boy literally jumps in & out (my fault though, should never have loaned it in the first place - lesson learned there!)
I dont have many friends really & do get on really well with my neighbour, it would be easy to just not spend as much time with them, but the boys are friends & I need friends too. Im not sure how to approach this with her, ive made little hints, but Ive never quite had the balls to say to her, could you strap him in for 5 mins please`
AIBU & WWYD??

I wouldn't say that they can't be friends. You will never meet another parent who shares all your views. It's not like the boys don't get on or her friend is walloping her son or something. One parents straps a child in and one doesn't is all - and a few other minor things. The OP says that she was fine about how her friend dealt with the teasing so the main issue is that she wants her friend to make her life easier for her as the pp says.
Even if she does manage to get this friend to change her parenting style to make it easier for her (the OP) is she going to get all her friends to do this? And everyone else she encounters. Much easier to teach the child that different parents have different rules and that it is your own parents rules you have to follow.
When the ops ds starts nursery (if he hasn't already) he may have friends in different nurseries or who don't go to nursery who are allowed to do different things - he will have to accept this. Also if other children are misbehaving in nursery I'm sure the OP won't want her son to think he can misbehave as well - just because others are.
I was so proud of dd the other day - I had told her she couldn't have sweets because she had already had some that day and her friend kept trying to pop them in her mouth and she clamped her mouth shut and said 'mummy said no'. But even if she'd had a strop I wouldn't expect my friends mum not to allow her sweets to make my life easier.

I don't know why this has become an issue about whether or not three-year-olds should or shouldn't be in buggies. The OP's problem is about parenting styles, not buggies (though that's the peg she's hanging it on). There is no solution to this one.

I think people are being very hard on the OP here. She says her friend's DS swings around the bus like a monkey because he's not strapped in. Her problem is that her friend thinks that's okay and she doesn't (and I'd agree with the OP here). It sounds to me as if the OP's friend is the one who needs to work on her DS's bad behaviour.

Yes but I see a lot of kids who swing around on the bus who I don't know. DD would probably like to as well but she knows that SHE isn't allowed. What would the OP do if some random kid was running all over the bus? Find their parent and ask them to stop them doing it because she's finding it hard to say no to her son?

MightyQuim but I think it is easier to tell your child that that child over there is behaving badly and we don't do that...

It is not so easy when you are with friends/family.

3 is too old for a pushchair.Let him walk-that's what his legs are for!!

I don't think it's more difficult with a friend at all. Certainly no more difficult than asking the friend to strap her child in so yours doesn't want to copy!
For me the conversation would go like this

Me - I wan't you to sit down dd and hold on because if you run around you might fall

DD - But (insert friends name) is running around and I want to

Me - Well that is for (insert friends mums name) to deal with. I am telling YOU to sit down.

And if they refuse then discipline as normal - simple! I really don't think it's on to expect other people to go out of their way to make your parenting easier - especially when it will make it harder for them.

I have been doing what you suggest for years...:)

Bloody hard work , I have wished many times that the other parent would listen/hear and at least try to get the kids on the same page.

Most of the time it is bad behaviour from the other child ,and the mother doesn't want to risk a tantrum with hers ,so...

I know in this case it is a bit different ,but it sounds like the op in under the same kind of stress?

I have a friend who let her kids run ahead whereas I was more nervous, but her kids had had far more practice- energetic boys in need of a lot of exercise and she walks them everywhere. When I had him after preschool I'd make him hold hands because I wasn't coforyable with him going round corners but she had absolute faith they'd stop. Strangers have shouted at them and run after them but they do know! You can't change her style to suit you, neither should you change yours until you're ready.

I loosened my grip by practising bigger stretches eg stop at that lamppost, as soon as I say stop etc and praising when they do it, or back in pushchair/ buggy board if they ignore.
Now they know to stop at roads, it's all a lot less stressful.

plus, I don't think any Mother wants to risk getting 'in to it ' with another Mum/friend.

No way is a three year old able to use the sort of judgement your friend expects. YANBU. I would allow him to do the things she is letting her son do when you are alone and he has no distractions.

But you can't control the world around you. Your kids will see other kids behaving badly. The best thing to do is to be consistent with the behaviour you expect rather than trying to get everyone else to change.
I assume this isn't the OPs only friend - this isn't the only time she's going to find herself in this situation. Even if the friend does what the OP suggests and straps her child in by roads (which I think would actually be unfair if his mum thinks he's sensible enough to walk and will probably make life more difficult for her friend) everyone won't be as accommodating and nor should they be - it's a tad cheeky and entitled to expect the world to revolve around you in that way imo.

I think you need to assert your rules, and let her get on with it. I am always having to say to dds (4 and 5), 'just because xxxx has/does something, it doesn';t mean that you can too',I'm afraid it is just one of those difficult parenting things.

As for all the comments about regularly being in a pushchair being harmful for development, and
'3 is too old for a pushchair.Let him walk-that's what his legs are for!!' etc

all I can say is, bollocks.

But most kids don't want to be in a pushchair at 3yrs! Most want out by 2.5yrs, dd1 refused to get in by 2yrs! So we walked with reins until she stopped running off. I had 3 under 5yrs so used to make the older two walk all day. It is good exercise and the op's ds clearly wants to be out so I don't see why she doesn't consider reins if she's worried he'll run off.

Not quite sure why you had the Mumsnet equivalent of a cat's-bum-face about your friend trusting her DS to wait at the crossings for her. My DS2 is 3 and is allowed similar freedoms to your friend's DS - he walks/runs/scoots/cycles ahead (with DS1 often, but not when DS1 is at school) but he does always (so far) wait at the crossings - he knows that's a condition of his being allowed to go on ahead. And of course, it's been a gradual process for him to get to this stage - I didn't just let him bomb off as soon as he could walk!

I do think instilling road safety and awareness from as early an age as possible is very important, so allow him to do it, even though part of me wants to keep him in a buggy (and strapped in) for many years yet. And we do live in a pretty busy area - so he has to learn them there, as that is what he will be dealing with on a daily basis.

He's not allowed to run around a moving bus, or swing like a monkey on a bus, though - would be a bit about those myself.

I can see that it's annoying for your friend's DS to be teasing yours - but she intervenes for that. And I do think it's not a bad thing for children to learn that, just because X does this/has this etc. that they can do it/have it too.

On balance, YABU.