pushchair politics - AIBU?

[TheLaminator]

I have a friend who lives on the same street as me. Our boys are both 3yrs old with just a few weeks between them. They play together really well & we see quiet alot of each other.
Although me & my friend are pretty much on the same page when it comes to parenting, her son has definatley had more freedoms than mine, which has sometimes caused small problems, but nothing major.
Now that the boys are a little older we go out & about for the day, into town, museums etc.
My issue now is that my friend NEVER straps her son in the pushchair. He is free to jump in and out when ever he pleases. My son is strapped in the pram at all times that I feel is nessecary, busy roads, getting on & off the bus, when were in a hurry etc. I also have a 5 month old, whenever we go out 3yr old is on the buggy board or I take the double buggy. The last few times we have been out together I have had problems with my sons behavoiur - manily due to the fact he is not aloud to swing round like a monkey on the bus, or run around freely like his friend is. I had to abondon a day out the other day (get off the bus early & come home, as this is what i had threatened to do if he didnt start behaving properly - he was basically sceaming and shouting at me because I wa asking him to sit still & not to wriggle out of the pushchair). If we are walking up the street at the same time, my friend lets her little one walk ahead & she trusts him to wait at the crossings for her <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Hmm" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/hmm-PR4o6B1t.png">. we are practically in the city centre & are surrounded by really busy roads. A couple of times now my boy has jumped of the buggy board without warning to run up & join his friend. Recently my friends son has started to laugh at my son whenever he is strapped in and he isnt, doingNAHnahnahnah - nah - your a big baby in a pram My friend will tell her son off for this, which is fine. but I just wish she could see that if for the ten minute tops we are in transit she strapped her son in, this wouldnt happen. They have plenty of opportunity to run around & play when we get to where we are going. She thinks Im a nervous mum & that its different because I have a baby to keep an eye on too. I dont think I am nervous, i think Im sensible and want to keep my little one safe in busy places. Even if I didnt have the baby I wouldnt let my son walk alone along a really busy street alone, I dont think 3yr old should be practsing their road saftey skills alone on a really busy road. To add to this, shes using a pushcahir I loaned to them & its now knackered & dirty because the boy literally jumps in & out (my fault though, should never have loaned it in the first place - lesson learned there!)
I dont have many friends really & do get on really well with my neighbour, it would be easy to just not spend as much time with them, but the boys are friends & I need friends too. Im not sure how to approach this with her, ive made little hints, but Ive never quite had the balls to say to her, could you strap him in for 5 mins please`
AIBU & WWYD??

You should be able to trust him out of the pushchair - but then it is irritating if your friend's child is out and misbehaving - I can understand that.

DSs were both not strapped in at about 2 and by 3 they used to run slightly ahead too. I have taught them road sense and not to cross without me etc. They run trot along ahead and stop precisely three feet away from the edge of the kirb and wait for me - this does however seem to bother other pedestrians and road users as they obviously don't know that they are going to stop so safely, - totally freaks my Mum out too who is a bit of worrier .

Ho hum, looks like i should keep me mouth shut then :(

My son does walk alone or along side me & the pram, no need for a wrist strap, we just dont do it along a dual carrige way, or in very busy situations

Betty - i do try take this approach im not interested in anyone else, this is what we do, blah blah blahand neverblame` the other child. Its hard for a 3yr old to contain their excitment though.

I do understand everyone has the right to parent how they chose. But dont we also have a responsabilty to make sure our children are safe & other people around us are not overly affected by their behaviour, i was not the only one on the us that was put out by this. She also had to/has to quiet often tell him off for his behaviour & then forcefully sit him in the pram anyway - if he was in there in the fist place we wouldnt have to go through the whole rigamarole (sp?) All for the sake of a five minute bus journey or walk.

My son is often given the freedoms his friend ihas when we are in their company, somethings Ive just had to let go - hes more than welcome to jump on her furniture, just not ours!! etc
My friend is ok with the no jumping on furniture rule at my house & her son mostly listens when he is asked not to - I just find it strange she doest see the dangers when we are out & about. regardless of how it effects my sons behaviour.

My son is by no means wrapped in cotton wool, but my friends son had been to A&E 3 times in his short life due to accidents caused by him being able to do whatever he pleases. I know some kids are more accident prone than others, but in this case, it dosnt take a genius to work it out.

Was just hoping we could have a less stressy summer together, i`ll maybe try & arrange to meet up rather than travel together - hard tho living on the same street :(

Jade80, regularly using a buggy is bad for his physical development? No room for variation within that, is there?

I think that the right answer would be somewhere in the middle.

Both 3yo need their buggies to a certain extent, so presumably you are walking long distances. If they are in the buggy they should be strapped in IMO - I stupidly didn't with my 2.4yo the other day and of course she tried to jump out, fell over and skinned her knees. It's not safe to have kids in without them being strapped IMO.

However, at 3 I don't see why they shouldn't be encouraged to walk as much as possible, including letting them get in and out constantly. We do a lot of that right now, it's annoying, but unless we're in a hurry or she is behaving badly when not in the pushchair it feels like the right thing to do.

I don't think it is necessarily awful of her to let her toddler run ahead, if he is good about stopping at the crossings, and any other time parent yells 'stop'.

So YAbothBU!

My 3yos were allowed to jump in and out of chair like OP's friends child does (pls. note that's what OP is saying, not that the child is completely "out" of pushchair). This isn't about whether any child should or shouldn't be in pushchairs ever, in principle.

Ask your friend that you can't go out together if her son is going to tease your son (about anything, & esp. about being in the pushchair). That is bang out of order.

Some of my 3-4yos I could trust out of pushchair & near roads and some I absolutely could not. The current 3yo is pretty bad (although his 7yo brother, who was completely trustworthy at 3yo, is now horrendous around roads ). If you know you can't trust yours then do what you need to do to keep him safe. I don't think you should expect to tell your friend how to manage, though she shouldn't give you grief, either.

I suggest a wrist strap when yours is on the buggyboard, OP.

Jade80 - I`m harming his physical development! - get a grip!!!!

Well actually, there is evidence that the average physical ability of children at 5 years old now is equivalent to that of a 3 years old 30 years ago. It has been linked to children spending more time strapped in buggies and car sests. So in my opinion, yes you are.

Oh and I have a perfectly firm grip thank you, as I am reasonably sure I hold higher qualifications in the area of child development than you do.

jade80 qualifications you may have but empathy none.

i haven't strapped my ds into his buggy since he was 14months old. He sits very still and on the 2 occasions he has got really bored and tried to escape I strapped him in temporarily. I always used the straps when he wasn't strong enough to prevent himself being tipped out as we went down stairs/curbs though. I don't strap him into his highchair either.....
His father hates it......
I do think it depends on the child though. DS is very still. If he started to try to jump out the straps would be straight on.

I have empathy for the children who are strapped in and not given chance to walk and develop properly. I am being snotty in response to being told to get a grip. If you look at the responses above, most say the OP is being unreasonable. I'm not going to waste ages dacing round the issue. I believe children strapped in buggies and not allowed to walk is a bad thing. So shoot me!

Also worth looking at
ergoparent.com/2011/02/baby-buggies-may-undermine-child-development/
for the effects on communication development. Unless you have a rear facing buggy.

Awaiting the "my cotton wool mummy friend still keeps her 3yo in a pushchair and we cant go anywhere anymore and it's doing my head in" thread :o

More seriously it depends on the child but ime they are wilder if getting out is very rare

I don't know which study you mean SGM, please link?

Ha I nearly considered making that post myself whatmeworry

''Now that the boys are a little older we go out & about for the day, into town, museums etc.
My issue now is that my friend NEVER straps her son in the pushchair. He is free to jump in and out when ever he pleases.''

The OP is not just talking about using a buggy on the way to the park, but everywhere.

YABU. But I felt the same when I had ds. It was so much easier to tske them both out in the double pushchair so I could keep track of them! BUT...it isn't yur friends job to change her behaviour to keep your child in line. If your friend suddenly starts strapping her kid in the pushchair then he will probably start playing up for her.
You will come across all different kinds of parenting and now is a good time to teach your child that it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing - different parents have different rules and he has to listen to you. I remind dd when she is feeling hard done by that although she has to sit down on the bus and she isn't allowed sweets everyday like some of her friends she IS allowed to dig in soil and get messy, drink fizzy pop, watch dvds in bed and have pocket money when some of her friends aren't.
I also agree that at age 3 the child should be mostly walking and learning some road sense. I am very over anxious and had dd on reins until 2 1/2 bt by 3 I had taught her to walk alongside me and stop at roads. Obviously practice on quiet roads first.

I don't think you're wrong to use the buggy if it makes you feel safer and if your son hasnt completely grasped road safety but it doesn't mean she's wrong either. You do sound aittle judgey about many aspects of her parenting though which doesn't bode well for a long term friendship.

My 3 were all out the buggy by 2.5 but dd1 was a Bolter who needed reins. I attached a wrist strap to the back to extend how far she could go but no way could I have let go of her. And at this point I also had her 4yr old brother and newborn sister with me.

I have to also say that dd1 at 5yrs old has made 6 visits to a&e so far Inc two lots of stitches. Ds just once after an accident at school and dd2 not at all yet thankfully. Some kids are just more exuberant than others even though I've brought all 3 up the same.

YANBU. It's entirely your choice, and not up to your friend to decide when you use a pushchair.

But the OP didn't say her child was strapped in all the time, just when she felt the surroundings were dangerous so I really don't think she warrants to be abused for 'damaging her child's development'.

OP I think you sound quite sensible and I am somewhat anti buggy using, my DD was out of hers at 2.5 but that did restrict how far we could walk IYSWIM. You sound like you are encountering quite long journeys and that you use the buggy 'only when necessary'.

I recommend that you use this time to start teaching your son road safety. You can also use the buggy as a 'if you don't listen to me regarding road safety you will go in the buggy' and 'you can use the buggy if you get really tired'. That way he knows he has to listen to your instructions. I'd be nervous on very busy roads with my 4 year old but trust her in our village where she knows exactly where to stop.

It sounds like both you and your friend is particularly relaxed/liberal with her road safety and you are particularly aware/conservative. Neither is wrong or right but probably harder to mix as friends (but not worth falling out over).

Forgetting my personal feelings on this, I think it comes down to the last line of your OP. You ask if you should ask her to strap her child in. Will you unstrap yours if she asks you to? If so then feel free to go ahead and ask her to strap hers in.

It really depends on the child re. safety and pushchair use.

My DD has not once sat in a pushchair since 2.5yo when DS was born. She has always walked sensibly next to the pushchair, never run off, waited and held my hand at crossings.

DS (now 2.4yo) screams at the top of his lungs if I try to hold his hand when walking, bolts with no advanced warning, wriggles out of pushchair. He has straps undone most of the time, but if he tries to grab stuff when shopping, tries to wriggle out bya road, the straps go on.

I would love to walk more with DS. We did for a while 6m ago, but now it is a horrendously miserable (and deafening) experience!

As for your friend OP, I think good friends try to reach a middle ground with regards to opposing views. When I visit close friends with similarly aged DCs, I try to relax a bit about my worries, and my friends are a bit stricter about things that I feel strongly about (such as jumping on furniture!!), and of course vice versa

So her DS teases yours and she tells him off. But that's not good enough, she needs to put her DS in the buggy? It's not her fault your DS is frustrated.

Her DS may well be told off a lot and put back in his buggy. That's surely how he learns consequences and boundaries? Good on your friend for following through. And I think you're quite harsh to imply your DS has been to A&E a lot because she's a slack parent. You sound very judgy about her parenting, I'm finding it hard to empathise with you because you seem more intent on criticising your friend's parenting than examining your own.

If you're not comfortable letting him out of the buggy, then don't. If you want to start teaching him to be streetwise then maybe try a wrist strap or reins?

I didn't see that last bit asking should you ask her to strap him in - absolutely not imo! You need to be able to deal with your child regardless of what other people are doing. What about if you don't want your child having sweets one day - is your friend not allowed to get her child sweets in case yours makes a fuss?