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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

pushchair politics - AIBU?

89 replies

TheLaminator · 01/08/2011 13:37

I have a friend who lives on the same street as me. Our boys are both 3yrs old with just a few weeks between them. They play together really well & we see quiet alot of each other.
Although me & my friend are pretty much on the same page when it comes to parenting, her son has definatley had more freedoms than mine, which has sometimes caused small problems, but nothing major.
Now that the boys are a little older we go out & about for the day, into town, museums etc.
My issue now is that my friend NEVER straps her son in the pushchair. He is free to jump in and out when ever he pleases. My son is strapped in the pram at all times that I feel is nessecary, busy roads, getting on & off the bus, when were in a hurry etc. I also have a 5 month old, whenever we go out 3yr old is on the buggy board or I take the double buggy. The last few times we have been out together I have had problems with my sons behavoiur - manily due to the fact he is not aloud to swing round like a monkey on the bus, or run around freely like his friend is. I had to abondon a day out the other day (get off the bus early & come home, as this is what i had threatened to do if he didnt start behaving properly - he was basically sceaming and shouting at me because I wa asking him to sit still & not to wriggle out of the pushchair). If we are walking up the street at the same time, my friend lets her little one walk ahead & she trusts him to wait at the crossings for her <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Hmm" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/hmm-PR4o6B1t.png">. we are practically in the city centre & are surrounded by really busy roads. A couple of times now my boy has jumped of the buggy board without warning to run up & join his friend. Recently my friends son has started to laugh at my son whenever he is strapped in and he isnt, doingNAHnahnahnah - nah - your a big baby in a pram My friend will tell her son off for this, which is fine. but I just wish she could see that if for the ten minute tops we are in transit she strapped her son in, this wouldnt happen. They have plenty of opportunity to run around & play when we get to where we are going. She thinks Im a nervous mum & that its different because I have a baby to keep an eye on too. I dont think I am nervous, i think Im sensible and want to keep my little one safe in busy places. Even if I didnt have the baby I wouldnt let my son walk alone along a really busy street alone, I dont think 3yr old should be practsing their road saftey skills alone on a really busy road. To add to this, shes using a pushcahir I loaned to them & its now knackered & dirty because the boy literally jumps in & out (my fault though, should never have loaned it in the first place - lesson learned there!)
I dont have many friends really & do get on really well with my neighbour, it would be easy to just not spend as much time with them, but the boys are friends & I need friends too. Im not sure how to approach this with her, ive made little hints, but Ive never quite had the balls to say to her, could you strap him in for 5 mins please`
AIBU & WWYD??

OP posts:
Mobly · 01/08/2011 15:29

Jade80, your comments are quite silly. Just because a 3ry old is in a buggy to get from A to B, after which they are free to run around the park etc, then I fail to see how this can hinder development.

My DS is 3.5yrs and goes in the double buggy for the trip to pre-school and back, for same reasons as in op, busy roads, bit of a bolter etc. He is physically fine, he can ride his bike without stabilizers and won both his sports day races at pre-school.

Op do what you think is best, as long as he's out of the buggy by the time he is 18 as I don't think that would do his street cred any good .

Mobly · 01/08/2011 15:37

Does sitting in a car seat or high chair hinder development too Jade80? Sometimes needs must and safety comes first.

SpottyFrock · 01/08/2011 15:44

Well, too much time in a car seat can hinder physical development, yes. I've never understood why people bring their child into a house in the car seat and just leave them sitting there. A newborn maybe but not after about 10wks. Get them out and put them on the floor to wriggle!

Journey · 01/08/2011 15:49

You've taken no responsibility for how your DS behaves. Instead you're just blaming your friend - "if my friend did x" then all would be fine. Wake up and take responsibility for your DS.

jade80 · 01/08/2011 15:50

Well said spottyfrock. It's alll about minimising the time they are strapped down and unable to move.

Mobly, of course it is good if a child goes to the park. Obviously it is better if they walk there too. It's also obvious that going in a buggy to the park is better than not going at all. I don't think that's particularly controversial, Mobly, so your comment about me being silly is badly thought out. Walk to park is best, buggy to park second best and not going at all is worst.

Mobly · 01/08/2011 16:04

Well I still stand by safety first, and being in the buggy at 3 on way to park or school does not hinder physical development, I just don't see the logic.

Yes strapped down for LONG periods of time but really, who does that?

jade80 · 01/08/2011 16:24

Well I stand by managed risk first so that is where we differ.

MightyQuim · 01/08/2011 16:36

I don't think the issue here is whether the OP uses a pushchair or not. The issue is that the OP wants other people to dance to her tune because she doesn't want to deal with her ds's strops.

mamadivazback · 01/08/2011 16:42

Jade would you say it was damaging to a 3 year old who was strapped into a car seat from A-B?

A lot of people seem to forget that there are many children who are pout of pushchairs at 18 months mainly because they don't go much further than a walk to the car, strapped in then out for a wander before getting back in again.

If you don't drive a pushchair can be the safest option, my son used his regularly until 3 then dwindled away before we got rid of it at 3 1/2 and it's never done us any harm.

mamadivazback · 01/08/2011 16:44

Oh yes Quim, went off track :)

OP you can't expect yoru friend to deal with your DS' tantrums but you can speak to her about the way her DS teases yours.

Just tell her you'd rather meet up later because your son is getting upset by his remarks.

Quinquagesima · 01/08/2011 16:47

I read it completely differently, MightyQ. I think the issue is that the OP is friends with someone whose parenting strategies are completely different from hers. Not better or worse, just different. No, the OP can't ask her friend to strap her child in any more than the friend can ask the OP to let hers loose where she's not happy to do so. But the real issue is that this friendship probably can't work - or not where children are involved, at any rate.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 01/08/2011 16:50

Ooohh "snooty over reaction post of the day " goes to......Jade80

valiumredhead · 01/08/2011 16:52

I don't think you can say anything to your friend really, it's up to her if she uses a buggy/straps etc. I think you just have to concentrate on your kids.

SpottyFrock · 01/08/2011 17:07

I don't think it is just that the op disagrees with her friend over the pushchair thing. The op went on to be very judgy about her friends parenting in all sorts of ways from the fact the child climbs the sofa to his visits to a&e. Just because the woman parents differently from you does not mean she parents badly. Frequent trips to a&e are really down to a child's nature. I'm taking it that the op hasnt had a child, like my middle child, who at 16mths decided to stack everything on top of each other to help her climb the tall bookcase so she could jump off, in her words, to see what would happen. Neither her brother nor her sister would ever dream of doing such a thing.

Catslikehats · 01/08/2011 17:10

YABU

i) because your child doesn't want to be in the buggy and you are forcing him not to (there is absolutely no reason to strap your son in on the bus)

and

ii) because you cannot expect your friend to parent differently because your chuld behaves badly.

Three is getting old for a buggy. If you cannot trust your DS then you need to work on adressing that - wrist strap etc if necessary.

SpottyFrock · 01/08/2011 17:15

Oh and also unlike her siblings, she could walk by 10mths, have a complete articulate conversation by 17mths and by the time she was 3, she could read, count and add. It doesn't mean I ever thought other parents weren't parenting properly because their children weren't doing those things.

Meglet · 01/08/2011 17:15

If your child doesn't want to be in the buggy then maybe you should use reins if you can't trust him?

FWIW my DS is 4.8 and only stopped sitting in the buggy and using reins a couple of months ago. Some kids bolt, some kids whinge, they all walk too slowly for me, whatever works for you Smile.

thursday · 01/08/2011 17:27

i didnt trust my 3yo to stop at roads, i still dont now at 4.5 tbh because despite knowing all about road safety he just steps out. he's not been in a buggy since 2yr 9m though when his sister was born (though i wish i'd had a double, just for 6 months!)

i understand how frustrating it is to try and stop your child doing something unacceptable to you whilst someone elses child is allowed to. just one of those things though, either tolerate it or spend less time with them. you can't ask her to change how she does things.

SenoritaViva · 01/08/2011 17:28

Actually, I think spottyfrock has a point OP. Whilst I'm not disagreeing with your call on your son (see above post) I do think you seem to be a bit over opinionated / judgemental about her parenting style. As you pointed out, her son listens to the rules in your house about furniture so why should it be a problem that he's allowed to in his house.

I have some friends who I think are AMAZING parents, the best of all has two sons. The second, who is only just 3 has been to A&E 6 times, it might be more by now. She is a nurse, calm, wonderful and quite strict. Her elder son (5) hasn't had any of these accidents, it's just the way the second one is.

I think if you want to continue being friends with this person you should stop being judgemental and just accept that you parent differently. You never know, you might even learn something from her one day, and of course she from you.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/08/2011 17:31

I know it depends on the child but both of mine were out of the buggy by 3 because they really wanted to walk. We live in central London so we are surrounded by busy roads. You do have to train them to stop at road crossings and hold their hand on busy roads. We travel a lot by public transport and my youngest (3) gets on and off the buses himself and loves sitting on a seat (I hold his hand if we are getting on or off the tube because of the gap).
Can you find a middle ground such as "you can come out of the buggy provided that you sit on the bus seat/ walk near me etc." If he does as you ask he stays out, if he doesn't listen strap him or stick him back on the buggy board in for a few minutes. I suspect he will learn quickly.

milkshakejake · 01/08/2011 17:33

I used a Little Life backpack with my son when i had my baby daughter - the strap on it means you can hook it over the buggy handle so he has some freedom but can't run off. They are fab little backpacks and they love carrying their own drink or toy in it!

usualsuspect · 01/08/2011 17:37

I still sometimes used a buggy at 3 ,they had the option of walking or being in the buggy if they whinged got tired

No obvious issues in their physical development years later

*Disclaimer I have no child development qualifications, only 3 grown up children

To the OP its difficult when parents do things differently to you ,but thats life

DeWe · 01/08/2011 17:41

Re. A & E visits. Dd1 has never been to A & E
Dd2 has had 3 visits to A & E. Two within a fortnight (though one was a UTI so can't really be blamed on accidents)
Ds has been no end of times, can't even remember how many, although his tendency to come out in non-fading spots has meant he's been sent for blood tests by the GP several times.

Also some people go to A & E much easier than others. Some people go if the child's had the tiniest of a knock on the head, and others will only go if the child's showing signs of concussion. No judgment on either parenting, just different, perhaps the latter has more confidence in their own ability to diagnose in such a situation, and the former would rather play safe.

Feminine · 01/08/2011 18:14

I suspect (understandably) that OP is just wishing her friend could make life a bit easier for her?

I used to have a situation like described today , I have a crazy SIL who placed no boundaries on her DS...NONE even ignoring car straps and letting him wander round the car Shock never expecting him to sit in a high chair ...this was all when they were both under 2.

When my youngest son saw this ,he would pull a 'tantrum' as he was not allowed (obviously) to behave like this...
cue my son as the difficult child etc...

I can see that your friend is not doing anything unreasonable ,but the situation is tough, no doubt!

pigletmania · 01/08/2011 18:46

YABU to expect that your friend obides by your child care rules. If its a problem don't go out with her, just meet in each other's homes or in a park. Why don't you get a wrist strap for him so that he is safe in dangerous situations or just use the buggyboard.

As for the comments about 3 year olds being harmed being strapped in a buggy, my dd 4.5 (SN) had to be in a buggy in certain dangerous situations such as busy roads or in shopping centres or she would run off. She would not wear a wrist strap so the buggy was the only restraint, better be safe than sorry. We only ditched it when she was about 3.5 years as she was growing to big for it, and her understanding got much better that she would hold my hand and carry out my instructions. This is a red herring, because some older children who use buggies might have hidden disabilities.