MIL arranges birthday party for husband but no communication with wife and child

[tinyizzy]

I have just found out from my husband's cousin that my MIL has invited all his family to her house to celebrate my husband's birthday. Great you may think, however, on asking my husband it transpires that we (wife and child inc) are going (without my knowledge). But ironically us (wife and child) have arranged a surprise weekend away for us 3 as a special treat for the same time party is to be held. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be consulted by MIL beforehand, and am I being unreasonable not to cancel said weekend away?

[Animation]

Seems like a power struggle situation, and the MIL sounds like a force to be reckoned with.

You and DH have got your work cut out down the line if you want to live your own lifes.

Also doesn't look like DH has separated from attachment to his mother yet?

[PuppyMonkey]

All v. annoying, but I think you're gonna have to go to the get together as so many others are coming from far afield etc. Your DH will feel rotten if he's away on a jolly with you while his family are seething. He's a twit for not passing the message on to you. Doesn't deserve the nice weekend away anyway.

[Animation]

...or am I reading too much into it. I could be.

[going]

It's your dh's faut not your MIL. She told your DH weeks ago, he's had plenty of time to tell you. DOn't see why MIL should have to clear it with you both indivdually!

[loubielou31]

It sounds like it's your DH who is at fault for not passing on the message IMO, "(MIL) had phoned him several weeks ago and told him that she had arranged dinner at her house for his birthday and he just forgot to relay the message!"
Presumably if he'd told you at the time then you wouldn't have arranged your weekend away or you colud have spoken to MIL and explained the problem.

However that doesn't solve the problem now. Would altering / cancelling the booking cost you a lot of money? I think you probably have to go to the family do since people are coming from all over but I would be extremely cross about it!

I would definitely say something to MIL about making sure she speaks to you about these things in future because your husband can't be relied upon, (but nicely mum's can be a bit precious about their DS's

[smoggii]

I think your DH needs to grow a pair. If he believes it just to be a dinner then he needs to say to his mum 'sorry I forgot to tell DW about dinner and she's booked a weekend away so we can do dinner when we come back'

I am making some assumptions here but if you have booked a weekend away it stands to reason that you will suffer financially if you have to cancel it. Where as a 'dinner' at someone's home will cost nothing to change.

If DH knows it's a party then he needs to decide what he wants to do and be honest with you or his mum about his preference instead of sitting there crying about being caught in the middle.

If MIL thought you knew about 'Dinner' and the party is a surprise, then it's not unreasonable that she didn't tell you so you weren't in the position of having to keep a secret from your DH.

If you are not going to lose financially I don't see the problem, go to the party, enjoy, take DH away the following weekend

[Wamster]

I think it is the fault of the mil. Did it not occur to her that you may be planning a surprise trip for your husband and, therefore, could not tell him why you you didn't want the party without spoiling the surprise for him?
It would occur to any reasonable person to consult their son-in-law or daughter-in-law first. If it were me, I would have rung you and said, 'I'm planning this. Anything I should know about?'
She has been unreasonable here and you need to politely tell her so. She sounds the blustery, silly type who does first and thinks later.

[Whatmeworry]

No one is BU but:

MIL should have asked you
DH should have told you
You should have told DH to keep weekend free when you booked it.

Agree re lighthearted approach, so as not too hurt feelings. Also do not put DH in middle of all this - ask him what he wants and cancel whichever one he doesn't want, it is his birthday after all

[Wamster]

Put her -politely- in her place or you'll have s*it like this for years to come. What kind of person arranges things like this for their adult children anyway FGS. Sounds like she is either getting one over on you in a subtle way or a mad, unreasonable woman. Either way, you need to keep her in check.

[PrincessJenga]

There's only one solution...

Step 1: buy a calendar
Step 2: write everything in it that you want to do in thick black marker pen
Step 3: get very, very good at saying "if it's not in the calendar it's not happening" & at backtracking if DH ever arranges something that sounds more fun than what you've already written in

[Animation]

If it was ME. I'd carry on as planned. Sorry, but I didn't know about the party. I've booked and paid for a holiday away.

They better both think on in future - and keep me in the loop.

Sorry.

(this would also be the start of some boundary setting)

[BlueCat2010]

It all sounds to me like a big misunderstanding rather than a power struggle, and it just needs dealing with and moving on.

Can you cancel or move the weekend without losing out finacially? If you can't then MIL is going to have to let everyone know a new date, but stress the reason that you can't change it is not because you want to be the bug in the lotion. If you can rearrange then I would go out of your way to do so rather than alienate everyone.

[ENormaSnob]

Yanbu

dh and mil are.

[tinyizzy]

Thanks, I agree DH needs to decide what he wants to do, and if its to go away with us then it is up to him to tell her that. Otherwise he'll have to go to the party and we will have a fun girls weekend away!!

[qwepoi]

Do think you need to go with your dh to the party if that's what he chooses!

[tinyizzy]

Mmm, another dilemma, weekend away is paid for (birthday weekend is bank holiday) but is money everything? Mmm something else to ponder on, either way I'll be seen as the Wicked Witch!!

[diddl]

Is it possible that you booked the holiday before MIL told husband about the dinner/party?

Would (m)any man prefer to be at a dinner with his mum than a w/end away with wife & child?

[Whatmeworry]

Thanks, I agree DH needs to decide what he wants to do, and if its to go away with us then it is up to him to tell her that. Otherwise he'll have to go to the party and we will have a fun girls weekend away!!

Ah, so it is a power play then. What are you hoping to achieve at the end of this?

[Wamster]

I think that there is a strong possibility that this is a power struggle. Where is her respect for you? Anybody with any reason would ring you BEFORE arranging a thing. It's obvious. That is what reasonable people do. It is no good saying after everything is arranged 'but I had surprise for dh' as this will give game away and spoil the surprise.
She should have asked you first, end of story.

She is either really a blustery type who doesn't mean no harm but is just an unthinking blusterer or highly manipulative (any chance of her knowing your dh would say nothing?).

You and your dh need to stand together here, and go away on this weekend together. This will teach her to:
a, Think about her actions in future (if she meant no harm)
b, She can't get away with dividing you (if she did mean harm).

[Wamster]

Don't worry as being seen as the 'wicked witch'. She probably tries this crap on all of the family and they'll just think that she cocked-up (yet again).

[RainboweBrite]

OP, you have my deepest sympathy. From the sounds of it, you have been put in a no-win situation through absolutely no fault of your own.
As previous posters have pointed out, the main fault lies with your DH, for being forgetful. I think he is being very unreasonable, complaining about being caught in the middle, because he can't bear to stand up to his mother. Why, oh why, do men do this?
I think he needs to make the choice, as it is his birthday after all, but make sure you get some payback from this, if he decides to choose the party over your surprise. If it were me in that situation, I would make him pay me back any money lost for cancelling the weekend. I don't see why you should have to lose out financially when all you were trying to do was be nice.

[diddl]

TBH I think the husband should be phoning his mum & telling her that they can´t go as his wife has organised something.

OP if he chooses to go to his mum-can you & your child go away without him?

Not entirely sure why people think that MIL should have checked with OP as it sounds as if she checked with her own son-who accepted on behalf of OP!

[tinyizzy]

Well I did sort of ask should we go away for the bank holiday and this was met by DH positively, however, can't be sure exactly when party/meal was put into action (so to speak). MIL is often on her own planet, but still expects everyone to jump when she says so!! DH often talks to her on the phone and seems to switch off, and when I ask how she is etc am just told "oh she's fine". So unfortunately will have to weather this one out and let DH decide and face whatever comes next. Yours resignedly P.dd Off!!

[ChaoticAngelofGryffindor]

Agree with Animation's post at 09.53.

[Wamster]

The reason mil should have checked with tinyizzy first is because for all mil knows tinyizzy may be arranging a surprise for her dh which obviously she cannot do without giving the game away by saying to her dh 'but I have arranged this'. That is why mil should have checked first.
Sorry but the mil does not sound nice to me at all. At best she is an inconsiderate pain in the arse, at worst a meddling bitch.
A nice person thinks, 'hang on better check with my son's wife first. She may have something on, a surprise that she cannot say without giving game away.
This is what nice, decent, considerate people do.