MIL arranges birthday party for husband but no communication with wife and child

[tinyizzy]

I have just found out from my husband's cousin that my MIL has invited all his family to her house to celebrate my husband's birthday. Great you may think, however, on asking my husband it transpires that we (wife and child inc) are going (without my knowledge). But ironically us (wife and child) have arranged a surprise weekend away for us 3 as a special treat for the same time party is to be held. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be consulted by MIL beforehand, and am I being unreasonable not to cancel said weekend away?

[Wamster]

Her dh probably thinks that had tinyizzy arranged something she would speak up- which is reasonable of him.
So the blame lies squarely with mil.

[FlubbaBubba]

Your MIL isn't being unreasonable if she told your DH about it. Completely fair to assume that he talked it through with you (and a bit weird that he didn't IMHO).

You are not being unreasonable for not having mentioned your surprise weekend away for DH to your MIL (unless it's a Big Birthday?)

Your DH is totally the unreasonable one.

Like the softly, softly approach and, as another OP said, see if your MIL can shift the meal until you're back. Win, win.

[suzikettles]

I think you need to speak to her now.

Just phone her up, tell her about the double booking, unfortunately the money is spent on your weekend away so it can't be changed, you're very cross that dh didn't tell you etc etc.

Hopefully she will rearrange the party (phone her with the unsaid expectation that she will - it would be the reasonable thing to do), and you go from there.

Without having this conversation with her I'm not sure there's much to be gained from worrying about alpha females, her being thick skinned or whatever.

And you should do the phoning because it's you that's planned the surprised weekend and it'll just be much easier to sort out this way - look how it all went wrong when MIL spoke to your dh and not you, don't make the same mistake!

[Wamster]

The mil is still the unreasonable one even if she told her son because the son then has to tell tinyizzy who has no choice but to say that she had a surprise for him, hence surprise ruined!
All the woman had to do was to consider tinyizzy and ask her first. For goodness sake, they are married with children -any mil with any sense would ask her dil first out of respect and politeness.

suzikettles has it right as regards how you proceed from this point.

[Wamster]

What's so hard about ringing dil when it's just a germ of an idea in her head and saying: 'Hi, like to do this for son, you got anything planned and, if so, tell me so that I don't ruin things for you'. What's hard about that?

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

Why on earth are you cross with your mother in law? She told your husband about this weeks ago! He is the one who forgot to tell you!

Was she supposed to communicate directly with you because her son, as a man, is incapable of communicating? "No communication with his wife and child?" I don't get it. Is this all part of the idea that men can't do anything and aren't responsible and the women have to sort everything out? Cos I have to tell you - that's something men work very hard to get us to swallow so that they can get out of things they don't like! It's the same reason they'd have you believe that having a penis means you are physically incapable of loading a washing machine correctly!

No. She assumed that having told him about it, he was capable of passing on the information. The fact that he didn't, in no way makes her responsible or reflects badly on her.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

Actually, forget that. Cos Wamster makes a very good point. she should have checked with you to make sure no surprises were planned or anything.

I withdraw the bit of my post where I wonder why you're cross with her.

I wish to keep the man-rant.

[Wamster]

It does reflect badly on her. I think some people are completely missing the point here and the point is that tinyizzy's trip was supposed to be a surprise. How can it be a surprise if her dh has to tell her about an arrangment his mum has made for his birthday which, of course, means she has to tell him about trip- negating any element of surprise.

It's nothing to do with the incompetency of men at all. If genders were reversed here and tinyizzy was male, I'd still say mil was in the wrong.

It does reflect badly on mil. What kind of an idiot/bitch (cross off as applicable) does s*it like this without considering that their dil may have a surprise in store and asks her first? One phone call that is all it would have taken.
Hardly a lot of effort on mil's part.

I'd be mad as hell if any mil did this to me.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

erm...

[TheJiminyConjecture]

Marking place for outcome of phonecall/DH strapping on a pair

[diddl]

Well if OP doesn´t usually plan a surprise then I don´t think that MIL is wrong for not checking.

But tbh, I think that OP might as well phone MIL herself & let her know that they can´t make it.

[Wamster]

I obviously typed my post before I saw that TheMagnificentBathykolpian had reconsidered her views.

I'm sorry if I said that parents don't do parties for their children, that was wrong of me, they do and that is good but I think, out of politeness, they consult children's partners first.

[suzikettles]

Yeah but.....

Scenario: My mum phones me about birthday meal round at their's. I immediately tell dh, dh phones my mum to say no, I'm taking suzi away that weekend, my mum phones back the next day to say we've changed it to the next weekend.

Sorted.

It would be reasonable for dh to be a bit annoyed at my mum, it would be unreasonable to think she was a thick bitch for not asking him first . It would be reasonable for him to be annoyed at me if I didn't tell him about these plans for a fortnight (as well as being a bit annoyed at my mum).

[wannaBe]

I think that some people are being too hard on the mil here and are choosing to lay the blame with her purely because she is the mil, iyswim.

We're not talking about a mil having arranged a surprise party for the dh here and deliberately excluding the dw and child, we're talking about the mil having said to her son that some family were coming down on the weekend of his birthday and they could all get together, the dh agreeing and then forgetting to tell his dw.

This notion that every plan should be run past the wife first "just in case she'd arranged a surprise" is ridiculous. The op could easily have said "no, I've arranged something already" and left it at that without having to ruin the surprise.

This idea that mmothers in law shouldn't be able to arrange dinner with their son and family without prior consent of the wife is madness. Talk about the mil being the alpha female - I don't think so.

The dh needs to start remembering to communicate with his wife.

The mil has done nothing wrong - all she did was invite her son and his family for dinner fgs - it's the son that forgot to relay the message.

[CurrySpice]

I can't understand why your DH didn't tell you about the party

But I have only skim read!

[Wamster]

But she the mil has not had prior consent of her son's family, has she? She has only consent of the son's. She did not even bother giving tinyizzy a quick phone call asking how she felt about it all.
It all smacks of complete disregard for tinyizzy's thoughts and feelings.

[onlylivinggirl]

I don't think MIL has done anything wrong. My MIL arranges meals for DH's birthday- she rings him to ask him if we are doing anything for x day - he asks me I tell him if we can or can't. He often forgets - we had the rule about the calendar but he'd always forget to look at that too. If I thought there was a risk of a clash though I would tell her.

Ring the MIL and work out which of you can rearrange or flex their plans- its not fair to make it a choice thing

[Yama]

I would say that this is your dh's fault. He shouldn't be whining about being caught in the middle. He is trying to shift the blame onto two people who have done something really thoughtful for him. Nice.

Leave it to him to sort out.

If my dh did this he would be the one to phone his Mum, apologise and try to sort something out.

[Thumbwitch]

TBH, I can see this happening in our family as well. But it wouldn't be because MIL was being vindictive or powerplaying (although tinyizzy has already said there is some element of powerplay going on between her and MIL) but because she would have told DH and he would probably not have bothered/remembered to tell me until the day before. Because that is what he is like and it is fucking annoying.

The thing now is how to deal with it though - if you have booked and paid for a trip and it's non-movable and non-refundable then in reality your MIL may have to consider changing her plans. Alternatively, she goes ahead with the dinner anyway and sees the relatives regardless of whether or not your family are in attendance.

I don't think it is necessarily fair to blame the MIL - she may have assumed that he would tell you - however, it wouldn't have hurt her to call in the meantime to check that you knew about it!

A communications cock-up all round.

[DuelingFanjo]

"DH often talks to her on the phone and seems to switch off, and when I ask how she is etc am just told "oh she's fine". "


oooh I HATE this. I can never work out if it means DH is just being wishy washy or if it means he's deliberately keeping plans vague so that I don't know until they are about to happen. Any chance this is what your DH does?

"This idea that mmothers in law shouldn't be able to arrange dinner with their son and family without prior consent of the wife is madness. Talk about the mil being the alpha female - I don't think so"

sorry, but when it comes to a clash of plans over a birthday gift/event then surely it makes sense for people (Whatever their relationship) to run things past eachother. It is just simple brainpower to make sure the OP hasn't arranged something before arranging something else. Though it seems the DH is the one at fault here for not keeping the OP in the loop!

[diddl]

Unless OP often does surprise bday things, I can´t see why MIL would ask tbh.

And as said-she told her son-who didn´t think to check with his wife if it was OK.

Which is surely what most men would do-usually whilst still on the phone?

[Morloth]

I don't get how it is MIL's fault that your DH didn't pass on the info.

If my MIL wanted us to come over she would call DH.

My Mum doesn't call DH when she wants us to visit, she gives me a call and I let DH know.

How come this has to be a woman's fault?

Your DH has fucked up, no one else.

[DuelingFanjo]

well, that's my point. Maybe DH is the kind of person who just doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to be in the middle of something? If the OP has a history with MIL (not saying she has) then perhaps DH keeps his mouth shut until it's too late to change plans?

[Familyguyfan]

I've been reading with interest, and can't wait to hear about the resolution here.

However, a few posters have argued that the MIL should be able to organise these things without speaking to her DIL? Why? The forgetful husband isn't five years old and, from what we know, the DIL is not the enemy. Neither is the MIL. Surely, anyone sensible would have checked with the DIL first to find out if there were any arrangements in place out of politeness, or efficiency, take your pick.

Just because the husband has a mother who loves him, that doesn't give her the God given right to plan every birthday celebration he has, particularly when he has a partner and a child of his own.

There is no doubt that he had exacerbated this situation by not passing on your summons, I mean invite. As you've already paid for your weekend away, I imagine your husband will have to ring his mother and ask her to rearrange.

All of this could have been avoided if the MIL has checked with the DIL about plans. I don't think the opposite is very usual.

[diddl]

"However, a few posters have argued that the MIL should be able to organise these things without speaking to her DIL? Why?"

Because she checked with her son-so why should she also check with her DIL?