to ask how you and your DP/DH split the chores and childcare...

[fedupanduptheduff]

I am a SAHM (kind of working, but part time and very informally as an accountant/bookkeeper) to a 17mo DD. I am also 33 weeks pregnant with DC2.
I do all cleaning, cooking, washing, etc.
I also do almost all childcare - except DH does bath/bedtime - even when we are out I am always the one who is 'on' and in charge and it drives me insane.
How do you split things in your household?
DH works full time, but not long hours - ie he is home by 5.30 every day. We've just had a bit of a 'discussion' about how I need him to help me more, but I don't think we got very far.

No split here. It's like Mad Men only the clothes aren't as good :(

We both do whatever needs doing.

Last week I was working away so he did all the shopping, laundry, meals, getting the kids to playscheme etc.
He is having a hard time at work atm moving units so him and big son have worked all weekend and come home knackered. I have done everything that needed doing this weekend.

We both collapsed with a big glass of wine last night!!!
With him being self employed he works long hours. He left at 7.30 and he won't be home until 7 or 8 tonight.

This morning DH has pegged out the washing, sorted the dishwasher out, made lunch for the boys and ironed his uniform and filled my car up with petrol. I'm off today so I'll do bits of jobs in a minute, go out cycling for a while and get tea on tonight.

He has always been really involved with the kids since they were born, making sure unifoms were ironed and shoes polished. He is better at the homework stuff than me so he tends to do that.

As a SAHM I used to do most of the cleaning, cooking and organizing. Then in the evenings and weekends, dp would do bedtimes +we'd both do the keeping on top of things, kitchen, hoover lounge, pick up toys. I instigated an hours cleaning session on a Sunday afternoon / evening. I had to make it very clear they weren't all going to act like animals at weekend and then expect me to clear it all up on the Monday. The state the house was left on a Sunday was the standard I'd maintain it during the week.

I understand about being the one on call, it's on of those things that I wish I'd discussed with my dp much earlier on. It was fairly easy to work out the actual chores, he sort of adopted jobs like loading the dishwasher before bed. However at the weekend all the organizing, thinking was still left to me. I should have sorted that out. I do understand how it happens. I knew the state of the washing, I knew what home work had to be done, I'd done the shopping so knew what was for Saturday dinner .... It's have been nice at the weekends not to be the one in charge all the time.

No sharing of chores here wither. I'm a SAHM so its my fault really for letting him away with it but dp does work really long hours 6-7 days a week but I do all the childcare and the housework.
Reading this has actually made me realise how pissed off I am at the situation.

ds is 11 months and gets up between 4.30-6am, dh goes to work but hes doing an excercise thing before he goes to work so he gets up with him and does his excercise then i get up when he goes to work at 7

im home all day with 28 month,11 months, 9 year old (summer hols) and 14 weeks pg

dh comes home for dinner so ive to get that ready

i try to keep on top of cleaning

dh gets home at 4.30, i cook tea,he baths babys, i dry and dress them and get them to sleep while he washes/drys up

he goes on computer while i potter about tidying up/putting washing on

we usually do a proper clean ( i make a list so he knows what needs doing) together at the weekend

No sharing here, never has been. I do all the house, family and child related stuff and have done for 21 years. DH works 6, sometimes 7 days a week, leaves at 7am and gets back about 7.30, unless he is working late when he gets back at about 10. We have no family life at all and I never get any time to myself. I have PVFS and it is really getting to me, now, because the house is falling to bits around me, the kids have almost no life and all DH does when he is at home is sleep.

Where you're going wrong is the 'I need him to help me' mindset op.
It's not a case of him helping you, it's a case of him sorting out his home/children and acting like a grown up rather than a teenager.

Dh and I were in your position for years-he works similar hours and I was at home with 3 kids doing a little bit of casual work.
Right from when they were babies he was as likely to take them out at weekends as I was (it's very galling that a man out with 3 very small children at the park gets compliments and I never got one!) and I've always presumed that he can do whatever I can do, but may need reminding as I did it all day and he only did it at the weekends.
So playing with kids/tidying up/sorting out lunch -whilst I do the shopping-well of course he can!
He has set jobs before work like dishwasher/breakfast for whichever child is around. Then we do whatever is necessary together after work. Dh cooks the tea if I haven't started when he gets home. I would assume that the majority of housework gets done in the day because you clean up as you go along and kids don't need entertaining all ther time. However housework/cooking doesn't stop at the weekend and we do fair shares then.

Don't infantalise your partner-I know women that don't trust their partners to look after their own kids ffs! Work out jobs/leisure for the weekends on Friday nights. Tell him to pack a bag/picnic/the car whilst you sort the kids out before you go out at the weekend. Assume he's capable of doing whatever the kids need when you're out.I'm not surer what you mean by 'always on', but i assume that's what you mean?

My problem is that dh works hard and does as much as me when he's at home and now I'm back at work I do the same as him-so where do the missing hours of housework in the week come from? We're cramming them into the weekends and that's shit! My paltry wages don't make up for this...

Changed as DC grew older, also as I went from SAHM to back to work mum. We also have a cleaner, makes a big difference, thoroughly recommend it.

Nowhere near a 50/50 split here. I've recently gone back to work part-time after 7 years as a SAHM and the only difference is that on top of everything else I now have to find an extra 16 hours to do my job. One that he thinks 'doesn't really pay so well' . He works all hours and weekends through choice (he has his own business) and does odd jobs here and there, but doesn't actually make a sustained contribution to the upkeep of the house (apart from the obvious financial one). He still expects the same level of service that he's used to....

I'm bloody exhausted.

I work fulltime although I have flexible hours. He has done his fair share of chores and looking after kids, but what I find most 'stressful' is the organising and thinking that needs to go into keeping the family going.... from what needs to go on the shopping list to whose party (undoubtedly child-related) we need to go to this weekend (and therefore buy present etc) to organising the saturday routine (swimming, shopping, etc). Top that up with pending house move and his pending redundancy, it's getting all abit much for me to be honest.

He currently gets home for 7.30pm every night (and is out of the house at 7.45am in the morning). So I do the pick ups at nursery, and have to get 2 cranky children to entertain themselves for a while whilst I get dinner on (even if it's heating up something it does take some time!).... by the time he walks in, his dinner's ready and sometimes the kids are in bed/bath. He does do the tidying up away because I'm upstairs bf-ing DD who is 10 months old. But I still have to remind him to do things like getting money ready for the cleaner, sorting insurance out etc etc.

I do try not to infantilise my DH...but it can get quite stressful when the one time I try not to nag him, the thing doesn't get done (whatever it is!!)... so I end up with the 'I might as well do it because it's going to faster than me nagging you 10x and getting all upset anyway...and then having to do that myself in the end'. Not right... but sometimes the easier way out.

defineme - you have hit the nail on the head with your post.
I think i put myself in the position of being always 'on' by not just letting him get on with it with dd. This came up last night...i said i was sick of him asking me what to do with dd, and he said it was because i always have an opinion on it or want something done a certain way...which i don't think is true- i'm happy to back off if someone else is looking after her. anyway, think i should make more effort to make him just get on with it because of course he is capable.
I have said also that this saturday i will be out all afternoon on my own...can't wait.

Both me and DH work 6 days a week on shift work. The easiest way we found of dealing with it was:
The first one to get out of work that day picks up DD from nursery, cooks dinner, cleans, does bedtime, the lot.
The last one to start work the next day gets up in the night if needed, takes DD to nursery, does the laundry.
Days off are for special family time after a good lay in ( I call this getting up after 8 lol) no chores aloud.
Works for us, no room for arguments

I honestly don't get why husbands have to be told about bills, shopping, activities and other stuff going on in the house

We both know who has to be where, what needs doing and what needs paying and the burden isn't on one or the other of us.
Sure DH may say to me if ' if you are going into town later would you mind doing my banking' or something like that or I may ask him to pick up my dry cleaning but we never have it so that one person is run ragged and has all the household duties to do. Blilmey that would be exhausting!

I've said this several times on threads but my dad was/is excatly the same with my mum.
Dad shops and cleans and when we were kids he did lots of childcare, DH's dad who was a generation older than my dad did excatly the same.

I do most housework, but I am (sort of) SAHM - work 10ish hours a week from home - so I try to get it done in the day so we can go out and have fun at the weekend. Have non-napping 2yo dd at home with me all day (and 5yo ds at school) so don't always manage it! I also do 98% of cooking and 90% of washing. Dh thinks we have a self-cleaning toilet.

However, he is home by 6 most nights and is great with the kids, does just as much childcare as me when home, gets up more in the night/early mornings, and takes the kids out quite often at the weekend so I can work. He also does the kitchen and tidies up every evening whilst I work.

Once a month I go into work for the day and he has the kids, so he knows exactly how hard it is - and the house is always a bomb site when I get home, usually with nothing for tea!

Blimey if you are heavily pregnant I think your dp should be doing as much as he can to help with housework and childcare - easy as that. I would insist on putting your feet up as soon as he gets home for a couple of hours and also for a couple of hours each day at the weekend. Let him take your child out on his own at the weekend.

Once you have the new baby, if you are a SAHM imo it is reasonable for you to do the vast majority of domestic work (with support for the newborn period) but for your dp to do 50/50 childcare with you in the evenings/weekends (although I would not expect him to have to get up in the night if he is at work the next day).

It isabsolutely not fair however to try to dictate how your dp does housework or childcare or insist that he does it like you would do it.

I do all housework, work full time and am 6 months pg. Last time I said that I got a lot of posts saying my relationship was crap. It isn't. I am happy. Its how things are with us. I am getting a cleaner soon though as bending down is getting harder :)

When I was pregnant DH had no choose but to do everything as I had my head down the loo most of the time.

DD is only 2 months so we are still getting into a new routine. I used to do all the cooking, majority of laundry and clean the bathroom, DH did the washing up, kitchen and most of the other cleaning although I would do more when not working (am self employed). While I was pregnant and just after birth DH did all cooking and chores and I did child care . Now I have started doing a bit more round the house and laundry/ cooking again and he has started doing more changes etc but as we are BFing it mostly falls to me. We do bath time together. Fairly even split if not slightly in my favour.

I think we will split childcare (although doubt it will be 50 / 50)

Whilst I understand DH hating hoovering I am thinking he will enjoy time with his DS

DH and I both work from home. DH doesn't do washing, ironing or anything to do with routine childcare. I have nothing to do with bins, locking doors, or paying bills. That split seems to work fine for us. I would be mightily put out if he started encroaching on 'my' domestic terrain!

I am a SAHP and DD still naps too, so I do most of the cleaning + day to day stuff on weekdays. However DH is extremely hands on with DD, general split is:

Me: Daily cleaning, and deep cleaning of kitchen and bathroom is always me. Most laundry, hoovering. About half the cooking. Mine and DDs ironing. Bedtime at weekends. Gardening.

DH: About half the cooking, laundry or hoovering if asked (so once a week or so) His ironing. Bedtime in the week. Mows the lawn, car stuff when we have one. Loads/unloads dishwasher.

We used to both have a morning 'off' at the weekend where the other could do whatever they liked, however am pregnant atm and hugely knackered so DH tends to be the 'on' parent at the weekend, doing most of the active playing/care of DD and I just do the odd bit when she really wants me and bedtime, and get on with household stuff instead.

OH makes the bed, hoovers, washes dishes and fixes things.

i do the washing and most cooking and sometimes dust. i also clean the bathroom.

we both do bunkers/ tabletops as and when we spill things or make mess.

i get DD up fed and to school in the mornings, i make sure she has a shower and do her hair for her.

OH plays with her either DS/playstation, jumping about daft, he also gets her to cook with him if he is cooking.

we both pick her up either one of us or together we also do her homework with her whoever isnt busy at that time but it is usually me and i get her to bed.

i think we've got a great balance tbh i wouldnt want it any other way, my OH is great and thankfully likes a tidy house because when he's not around i am a slattern of the highest order

The time he spends at home (which is any time he's not at work) its a pretty equal split. The attitude is "this, this and this needs to get done before our evening can start, which bit do you want to do" type arrangement.

I try and do a reasonable amount while he is at work, of course, so this tends to mean the washing/folding, general childcare and feeding, changing, etc, and cleaning/tidying maintenance type thing but there will still be some things needing doing after he's home.

On the weekend its a fair split. We have jobs we prefer to do so always do - for me this is cooking, for him its outdoor/bins, garden, cars, DIY (I know it sounds sexist but I'm as happy with this as him)

In terms of childcare, I do more because I don't work, but he gets slaughtered when he is here as they climb all over him and he's the novelty guy so I just put my feet up

I will probably get flamed for this but I think if you are a SAHM you should do all the cleaning and household chores during the week. I would expect your DH to pull his weight at the weekend with childcare etc though.

I work but find I still end up doing all the house stuff too and it really gets on my nerves, DH mows the lawn and puts the bins out and will do the odd chore if I ask him like popping to the shops but on the whole I do most things. He does bath the girls the nights I work.

I know with my DH that if I tell him to do something he will do it, he is just really crap at spotting something needs doing, e.g. would never get the hoover out spontaneously to do something but if I said "would you hoover the living room" he would.

It is my fault as I don't want to feel like I am nagging and when I constantly find myself asking I do.

I'm not sure how it would work out percentage wise, but...I do childcare during the day (Home Edding, so DDs 5 and 2 at home), most of the cooking, some tidying, most washing and always clean the bathroom (because the DDs like long baths and I get bored supervising!).

DP works a 9-5 and does, all washing dishes, cleaning kitchen, cleaning out chickens, most of the tidying, some washing and some cooking. He does some childcare when I'm not around.

We get one child to sleep each at bedtime at the moment, the rule there being that he does the one/s who aren't breast fed to sleep!