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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with ex re not telling me someone died

22 replies

audreyroberts · 31/07/2011 21:13

Just found out today my ex sil's mother died over a year ago. I was with my ex 10 years and during that time good friends with sil. When we split she clearly took his camp, but i thought that was understandable. Anyway ex comes to pick up the kids every week I dont ask him about the ins and outs of his life but it is civil so I dont get why he did not mention it. Ans now i am mortified I have not sent ex sil a card or anything.

Not really sure wha to do now - thinking of still sending a card now, saying only just heard but is it too late?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 31/07/2011 21:15

It is too late, if she had wanted you to know she would have told you herself, you are no longer apart of his immediate family, only his children are. Its really none of your business.

flatbread · 31/07/2011 21:18

I would send a card and mention that you just heard of it. It is amazing how small things and thoughtfulness can make such a difference.

Familyguyfan · 31/07/2011 21:19

Tough situation. It's lovely that you want to send a card or make some gesture, but I think I would be tempted to leave it alone. Your former SIL appears to have sided with your ex, for whatever reason, and therefore has cut you out of her life. Therefore I doubt she would expect a card or a gesture from you.

It could be that making a gesture might open the lines of communication, but it is equally possible that this would be an unwelcome gesture and might even open up old wounds.

I'm not sure there is a right answer here, but I'd be tempted to leave well alone. I'm not sure that helped!

Original poster

audreyroberts · 31/07/2011 21:26

i am sort off 75-25 towards sending a card. just thinking if i say i have only just found out and so sorry to hear about your mum - it cant really do any harm. Or can it (i mean she is not likely to have forgot her mother died so i cant see it opening wounds she has forgot).

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 31/07/2011 21:30

Maybe send a card but if she has cut you out anyway she might just wonder why you've felt the need to do it.

Seeing as she cut you out I wonder if she meant more to you then you do to her.

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/07/2011 21:30

i would just leave it, it may open up old wounds.

Ask yourself, if someone close to you died would you like a card a year later

bubblesincoffee · 31/07/2011 21:30

I know where you are coming from, because I still care about my ex's family and would want to know if something like that happened, but you should juts leave it.

You obviously haven't spoken to sil for at least a year, probably more, and in her position I would probably find it a bit wierd to recieve a card after all this time.

DuelingFanjo · 31/07/2011 21:32

I think if she had needed/wanted you to know she would have kept in touch.

Muckyhighchair · 31/07/2011 21:38

I would send a card from your children

With just a few lines from you on the non writing side, if you get what I mean. But I'd send it from your kids, she's still there family if not yours.

Original poster

audreyroberts · 31/07/2011 21:39

I have seen her twice this year when been to pick up kids, we have chatted generally.
I think in many ways I was the one that did the cutting out. His family was always clear I was part of their family - but I needed to move on I needed a clean break, My ex had an affair while i ws pg and i was emotionally destroyed. But all that was over 5 years ago and I am now able to cope (i am married to someone else now)with being 'friends' with 'his' family.

OP posts:

flatbread · 31/07/2011 21:40

How could it possibly harm to send a condolence card? As OP mentioned, ex SIL can't quite have forgotten or gotten over her mom passing away.

At worst she will think 'hmm, that is a nice gesture but a bit odd' and it is equally likely that she will really touched. So, if you are fond of ex-SIL (whether she reciprocates or not), what do you have to lose by sending the card...?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 31/07/2011 21:45

It seems that you had no beef whatsoever with your sil and losing contact was an unwelcome casualty of your split with exh.

If you met your sil's mother I would send a plain card (i.e not a 'With Deepest Sympathy' number) with a message along the lines of 'My apologies if this is an unwelome intrusion but, having just heard of your sad loss, I would like you to know that I will always have fond memories of your dm' - or words to that effect.

If you didn't meet the lady in question I would suggest you leave it as your sil may now be in a place where an unexpected reminder of her dm's death may cause her additional pain.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 31/07/2011 21:48

That changes the situation completely - if your sil had wanted you to know she would have told you on either of the occasions that you both 'chatted generally'.

As she didn't choose to tell you of her mother's death you are best advised to leave well alone, or mention it when you next meet.

Original poster

audreyroberts · 31/07/2011 21:55

thank you for all the advice. I will take it and just leave it .

When i say chatted generally I was picking up children, so we talked about the kids and the weather and where she had been on holiday in front of lots of other people at a party - I dont think it was the type of converstion she could have just pipped up btw did you know my mam died.

OP posts:

squishysquashy · 31/07/2011 22:03

Do 'deaths' usually come up in general conversation - when they are an emotional subject, rather than a 'you know so and so...' type?

I know that I am weird in this respect but some of my oldest (though admittedly infrequently met) friends didn't know my mum died for ages. Actually I never told people she had a terminal condition either, unless it directly arose in conversation. I just don't talk about my feelings very much and when meeting up with someone you only see occasionally I wanted to enjoy seeing them not 'put a downer' on the night. Let's face it people may or may not be supportive/sympathetic etc but really it doesn't affect them does it unless they know the person reasonably well - in which case they would know about it anyway.

squishysquashy · 31/07/2011 22:03

x-post

Original poster

audreyroberts · 31/07/2011 22:09

so sqishyshashy bases or your experience should i not send a card?

OP posts:

squishysquashy · 31/07/2011 22:14

Sorry should have answered your OP! Despite the fact I hate talking about 'stuff' to other people, actually a card would be nice. It's one step removed you're not having to talk to someone face to face but I would feel good that someone is thinking of me/my mother. Isn't it like that when you get a card from anyone for any reason really, you appreciate the effort?

I have no experience of divorce/family dynamics though. But it sounds like you're on good terms so I would say why not.

Original poster

audreyroberts · 31/07/2011 22:33

Thank yo sqishy sqaushy apprecite your reply and hvinf had exoerience of breavement think it is useful to knoe - i am back up in the air though about what to do!

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 01/08/2011 08:15

I lost my mum and a card would have been appreciated even such a long time later. Although really when you are grieving a year is nothing.

rubyrubyruby · 01/08/2011 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

audreyroberts · 01/08/2011 22:12

Yes was not thinking of a berevement card just a blank toughts are with you type thing.

Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:

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