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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send DS to bed without dinner

149 replies

messybessie · 31/07/2011 18:43

I've said it now but feel awful.

Sunday dinner in garden. Grandad and BIL also in attendance. DS is 5. Refused to sit properly, kept shouting and screeching, refused to use knife and fork, breaking up potatoes with his hands.

I took him from table and told him to sit in kitchen until he could behave.

He eventually came back to table but still wouldn't sit properly and finally through potato and fork across table.

Dinner went in bin. He is now sobbing because he'd hungry.

OP posts:
ScaredyDog · 31/07/2011 20:15

I was watching Supernanny today and she was helping a family whose seven year old wouldn't eat anything but bread and butter Shock

If he was given anything else to eat, he'd scream, cry and tantrum until he was coughing and making himself sick through hysterics and would just refuse to eat anything else - so his parents would just give in and let him have the bread.

It was horrible to watch and talking to the boy, he admitted to Supernanny that he was playing his mother as she would give into him and give him what he wanted. When they refused to give him bread and butter, he would say "well I'll go to my nan's then" Hmm

The advice was if he didn't eat his dinner, he got nothing. And he didn't go out to play. And that was a child on his way to an eating disorder - though it was one caused by his own attempts to control his parents, rather than a fear of food or SEN.

Once his parents knuckled down and didn't give into his fits, including telling him there was nothing else if he didn't eat was put for him, he started eating normal food and was doing well - and said he didn't even like bread and butter anymore :)

OP, you should have stuck to your guns. Going without one meal wouldn't have hurt him and now he knows you don't follow through with consequences.

MightyQuim · 31/07/2011 20:16

YANBU. You haven't sent him to bed without dinner. You offered dinner but her chose to play with it instead of eat it.

DorothyGherkins · 31/07/2011 20:17

Isnt this how food issues develop, anorexia and bulimia being more about the love involved than the provision of food? Food is a given, its a basic human need. He s only five.

simpson · 31/07/2011 20:20

I don't agree tbh, although I do agree using food as a reward will cause problems.

If a child is misbehaving in the park, trampoline or where ever they are removed from situation. What is the difference with the dinner table???

Also dinner was offered, and as long as a warning was issued before food taken away then I don't see a problem.

missmalteser · 31/07/2011 20:21

I dont see the op has used food as a punihment though, she didnt withold dinner for misbehaving, he was offered dinner and misbehaved through it, which in my books is refusing it?

AuntieMaggie · 31/07/2011 20:23

Next time stick to it - he won't starve!

pictish · 31/07/2011 20:24

Oh God will all the bleeding hearts please leave the thread!!
Your silliness is not helping.

Next time OP - no dinner means NO DINNER.

MightyQuim · 31/07/2011 20:26

Agreed Simpson. What else would you do - offer plate after plate of food to be thrown on the floor? It would only be mean if dinner wasn't offered imo.
It would be pretty controlling to try and make a 5yo to eat something when he's clearly not bothered imo.
If dd did this she could help herself to snacks if she was hungry after (stuff in the fridge like chopped carrot etc) but I wouldn't offer another meal or a sandwich - that would just be a surefire way to ensure she messed with her food again.

RedHotPokers · 31/07/2011 20:28

Really don't think OP has used food as a punishment.

DC has misbehaved and acted in a disrespectful and ungrateful manner. He has therefore been removed from the situation as a punishment because he was incapable of behaving. This would be the same process whether it related to messing with food, breaking toys, running off etc etc. Break toys = toys removed + time out, throw food = food removed + time out.

However, OP should not have backed down and given him a second meal IMO. She has backed down big time. A stern talking to and a glass of milk before bed would have sufficed IMO.

MightyQuim · 31/07/2011 20:30

If he was hungry he would have been eating instead of messing around imo.

GreenEyesandHam · 31/07/2011 20:38

I would (and have!) sent my DC away with nothing else that night.

I would never say 'if you don't stop doing xxxxxxxxx I'll send you to bed with no dinner" (like my mum used to Grin) but at mealtimes they get an amount of time to stop messing around/ start eating and after that, it's gone. Nothing else.

And I think I'm quite soft!

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 31/07/2011 20:40

She PROVIDED food, he THREW it across the table. OP YANBU you should have followed thru. He is NOT going to develop anorexia or bulimia because of this episode. FFS.

Reesie · 31/07/2011 21:03

Children do go through a fussy stage of eating, aren't you supposed to be exposed to a food approx 7 times before you get used to it and like it? Keeping on offering alternatives such as toast (which is IMO lovely) or cereal (which is lovely and sweet) if they won't eat their food - surely cannot be right? This will not get them used to healthy nutritious food but they'll end up eating a very narrow diet (I know far too many children who will only eat chips or bread and butter or spaghetti hoops etc). Making an issue out of food should never happen. A simple calm explaination of 'dinner time is over now' would have sufficed.

AmberLeaf · 31/07/2011 21:03

If a child is misbehaving in the park, trampoline or where ever they are removed from situation. What is the difference with the dinner table???

Err seriously you dont know the difference between playing in the park or on a trampoline and eating?!

OP you said DS2 was playing with grandad while DS1 was eating dinner, do you mean the dinner in question or what you gave him after he was sent to bed?

FabbyChic · 31/07/2011 21:05

I also agree with others who have said that you do not use no food as a form of punishment. Whilst he cannot have another dinner he should be fed something like a snack to fill the whole the lack of food has left.

FabbyChic · 31/07/2011 21:07

My son when he was younger would feint if he had not eaten, he still gets that now at aged 18.

When a child is hungry you feed them it matters not what they done before, food withdrawal is not a form of punishment it is a form of neglect.

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 31/07/2011 21:08

But she hasn't used no food as punishment, he didn't do something naughty and she said right no dinner for you. She gave him food he played with it and threw it across the table. He is not going to starve but he might learn the lesson you do not play with food.

simpson · 31/07/2011 21:08

Amberleaf - don't understand your point tbh

I am just saying that it does not matter where the child is when they misbehave and sanctions should be the same iyswim.

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 31/07/2011 21:11

"When a child is hungry you feed them it matters not what they done before, food withdrawal is not a form of punishment it is a form of neglect."

Oh what a load of bollocks, not in this case it's not.

AmberLeaf · 31/07/2011 21:12

simpson-sorry I was a bit sharp in my last post.

What I mean is playing is not a necessity...eating is so I dont think being fed should be dependant on behavior iyswim?

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 31/07/2011 21:12

hmm that might qualify as a double negative. Oh well it's not abuse.

MightyQuim · 31/07/2011 21:15

Tbh I can't stand the 'just one more mouthful' brigade and think that does more harm than anything where food is concerned. The lad was scrunching his food up - that is not the action of someone who is hungry. Like I said if dd did this she could have a snack of some chopped veg or something boring but would not get rewarded with a sandwich or another meal. It's no wonder that people have fussy eaters if that's what they do.

simpson · 31/07/2011 21:16

amberleaf - I do get your point now.

The reason my DD's dinner was taken away was because she bit her brother (quite badly Sad) after having 2 warnings to sit nicely etc....

TBH I do think kids are more likely to play up when playing as they get over excited etc...

pictish · 31/07/2011 21:22

"When a child is hungry you feed them it matters not what they done before, food withdrawal is not a form of punishment it is a form of neglect."

Oh do waft off. Lol!

pigletmania · 31/07/2011 21:25

No I would not do this. If dd does not want to eat the food, she has things like toast, crumpets, cheese, salami, bananas, yogurts (all the healthy ish things she likes) before bed. I could never send her hungry as its not nice on her, and she will keep me up all night (she is 4.5 years with SN). Even if she did not have SN I would still give her something before bed.