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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send DS to bed without dinner

149 replies

messybessie · 31/07/2011 18:43

I've said it now but feel awful.

Sunday dinner in garden. Grandad and BIL also in attendance. DS is 5. Refused to sit properly, kept shouting and screeching, refused to use knife and fork, breaking up potatoes with his hands.

I took him from table and told him to sit in kitchen until he could behave.

He eventually came back to table but still wouldn't sit properly and finally through potato and fork across table.

Dinner went in bin. He is now sobbing because he'd hungry.

OP posts:

youarekidding · 31/07/2011 19:19

YANBU to be cross with him for his behaviour. Figgiting with excitement is normal for a 5yo with guests but throwing food and cutlery is not imo.

Its hard when a child is misbehaving with food/ at the table because the natural consequence is the food or they are removed. (or both!). Then you have the situation your in now where they haven't eaten but by giving food you feel like you've gone back on the consequence. It's hard.

I agree with those that have said offer him a supper but don't make it into a dinner.

In this sort of situation I have offered DS toast, yoghurt, fruit. But toast with cheese/butter instead of the lovely toppings of jam/ choc spread. Plain yoghurt instead of the corner ones or mousses. Not to be mean as some will see it but not to offer 'sweets' instead of main meal.

I have learnt that if DS does miss his dinner he wakes up very early and then I suffer even more.

catgirl1976 · 31/07/2011 19:23

Genuine question from mum to be:

Does a 5 year old need supper? We had breakfast, lunch and dinner and maybe a light snack of fruit, crumpets or toast when we got in from school. Dinner was around 6pm and that was the last meal. There were no yoghurts / toast etc. Glass of milk yes - supper no. I am guessing we probably went to bed about 7:30 at 5 years old so not sure why supper would be required

Am I missing something and in danger of starving DS when he arrives?

festi · 31/07/2011 19:26

I had breakfast, lunch, dinner earlier than 6 and supper before bed at about 7.30pm.

so same amount just different way around. sundays we had a roast for lunch at about 2 and supper was our evening meal.

pictish · 31/07/2011 19:27

YANBU.

Throwing food and cutlery, and mashing his food with his hands at 5 is unacceptable.
You will only have to do this once or twice for it to hit home that he cannot behave like that at the table.
He has missed one meal he will not starve...stick to your guns.
Pay no heed to the soft arses on here who say different. YOU ARE RIGHT.

Oakmaiden · 31/07/2011 19:29

My children don't generally have supper catgirl - although they might if we have to have tea early for some reason or if they have a particularly late night (for example after going to fireworks night displays).

Otherwise no. Although some families have tea at what I consider to be a very early time (4-5pm) in which case a light snack at 6:30 or 7 before bed makes sense. Your child will let you know if they are hungry!

zorgmoid · 31/07/2011 19:29

yanbu. i'd be the same. he won't starve

Tortington · 31/07/2011 19:30

catgirl - nah, depends on what time they have tea

Oakmaiden · 31/07/2011 19:31

Also - OP - your child missing one meal will not cause them to starve of suffer from malnutrition. It will not cause them to have issues with food or eating disorders. It might if you did it regularly (or for a long period - at the child who was kept in their bedroom for 2 days!) but as a one off it will simply emphasis to him that when you say something you really do mean it.

HowlingBitch · 31/07/2011 19:33

:o at some of the OTT responses. He's hardly starved!

Give him some toast, a glass of milk and remind him that this is what happens if he can't behave at the table and eat the food you have made for him properly.

Don't beat yourself up OP, You actually handled it quite well :)

Original poster

messybessie · 31/07/2011 19:33

I have given him a small plate of dinner. To be honest, he would rather just eat plain toast so that was a better option than just a snack.

I don't think I was withholding food as a punishment though. It wasn't like it wasn't directly linked to his behaviour.

He was given food, he refused to eat it, which is digfferent than not being given any.

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 31/07/2011 19:34

Thanks everyone! Child rearing seems SO different now from what I remember growing up so nice to know I won't starve the poor little blighter by accident!

pictish · 31/07/2011 19:36

Oh well. That was a pointless exercise.

Gaaahh!

pointydog · 31/07/2011 19:38

No, not the dinner!

Muckyhighchair · 31/07/2011 19:40

What ever you do don't give him something sweet, cos he think it's a award for not eating his tea

Some toast or cereal will be fine.

Btw you did the right thing.

Limejelly · 31/07/2011 19:45

I really can't believe that some people think the OP is being unreasonable?

He had dinner, he CHOSE to misbehave and not eat it properly. It is not the same as using food as a punishment.

OP don't make him a sandwich, you are not his servant. He won't stave and will know better the next time.

YANBU!

missmalteser · 31/07/2011 19:52

If dc's dont eat there dinner in this house, due to any number of reasons, misbehaving, fussiness, not hungry beacuse they've eaten something too close to dinner, they know there will be nothing offered after, so it is in there hands whether they go to bed hungry, if they finish there dinner they may then have fruit/yogurt etc after, but imo if they are really hungry they will eat surely? On a sunday we tend to have dinner slightly earlier though and so usually have a light supper before bed, if this is the case maybe offer some toast or cereal etc, some really ott opinions on this thread!!

BodyUnknown · 31/07/2011 19:53

Totally agree with HowlingBitch.

It's a bit shocking how reactionary some people are being. I hardly think OP is using food as a 'weapon'!

Toast, milk, and a quiet explanation that tiredness is not an excuse for poor behaviour (or whatever the reason actually was) I am sure will do just fine.

Xavielli · 31/07/2011 19:53

YANBU. You gave him food, he refused to eat it. His choice. If I had to give him something I would have done the same as you and only offered what was for dinner.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 31/07/2011 19:54

So after all that youn give him another dinner.

Bit pointless offering an ultimatum wasn't it - now he knows mum doesn't mean what she says.

Original poster

messybessie · 31/07/2011 19:56

Thank you all, I think has been genuinely good advice from all (well most)

DS is now crying because DS2 had pudding and he didn't. Also DS2 got tonplay s game with grandad while DS1 ate his dinner. So I'm hoping he's learnt his lesson but who knows.

I do have to work on my follow through. I know it's making his behaviour worse as he knows I'm a pushover.

OP posts:

GilbonzoTheSecretPsychoDuck · 31/07/2011 19:59

I say 'no' - it stops.

I say 'do it' - they do it.

I say ' if you carry on' - happens if they carry on

I say 'I'll take away' - object gets taken away.

And on it goes. My kids aren't perfect by any means but they know that when I say something I mean it. I have never gone back on what I've said.

If I said 'no dinner' there would be no dinner. A 5 yr old won't starve or develop an eating disorder by missing one meal that he/she refused in the first place.

But by giving him dinner you've told him that you lost your temper but what the hey, he can do it again next time and he won't miss out on anything. Not the best lesson.

dealer · 31/07/2011 20:07

No way on earth would I offer my kids toast or whatever if they hadn't eaten their dinner. They'd never eat dinner again.

Animation · 31/07/2011 20:09

Why does he behave so badly? What's going on with him?

simpson · 31/07/2011 20:12

DD (3) played up today too and went to bed with no dinner.

I felt awful about it but have stuck to my guns.

She was throwing cutlery on floor, screaming etc and then she bit her brother on the shoulder whilst he was eating nicely, so no provocation etc...

Luckily she went to a restaurant with my dad today and had eaten something at 3ish so I know she won't starve

FreudianSlipper · 31/07/2011 20:12

food should never used as a punishment

i think you should be asking him why he behaved in this way and explaining that it was wrong. he is upset and hungry isn't that enough punishment

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