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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish that DH would come to see me this weekend

92 replies

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 11:30

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with first baby. For the last year I have been working away from home. It's 2 hours 40 mins drive from home and I commute weekly. Dh has only visited once in a year I do all the toing and froing but I do like to go home so I haven't minded.
I should have been working this weekend but have been unwell for a week with backpain and braxton hicks. Midwives have told me to rest and slow down and my boss has ordered me to rest this weekend. I have agreed as I don't want to go on mat leave for another 9 weeks.
I can't work but am not well enough to drive home so I will be spending the weekend pottering around on my own as I don't have friends here. DH has no real plans for the weekend but has not offered to drive to me. I feel a bit sad that he has chosen his plans of bicycle maintenance, dvds gardening and some work over visiting unwell pregnant wife. I didn't suggest that he came up because it was obviously an option. I have just phoned our home phone in case he was coming to surprise me but no still there!

OP posts:

eicosapentaenoic · 30/07/2011 17:04

Too much schadenfreude here, ma'am - time to go out for a walk in the afternoon sun. It's a lovely day... it'll be fine.

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 17:10

Good plan eicosa. I've been resting all day. Quite enough of that.
fecking bored now I think some fresh air and a stroll will help.

OP posts:

eicosapentaenoic · 30/07/2011 17:14

Just remember the time-honoured phrase - ooh look darling, s/he's got your nose - and possibly - did you want to put his/her name down for your old school (if appropriate). Meanwhile, emotional and practical support should be welcomed ante and postnatal from other women, extended family, medics, especially when home alone all day with small baby.

amicissima · 30/07/2011 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/07/2011 17:58

You planned this baby together, but he is worried about having to go home from work if the baby is ill. You have said that you will cover this. Hardly having a baby together is it. Sounds to me like he believes his wants and needs to be more important than yours. There is no sense of him giving up anything or changing anything to take account of this shared baby.

You didn't ask him to come to you this weekend, because you were setting him a test. Mumsnet can argue the rights and wrongs of this to our hearts content, but the fact is, he failed. You now know that when it really matters you are on your own.

Anyone can say 'woe is me, I'm sorry I'm such a shit husband', while not doing anything to alter their behaviour. Your husband has left you in pain and alone (the stuff you said about not mentioning morning sickness, because it took the fun out of pg for him - words fail me)and has carried on pottering. To me that sends a message that he doesn't really give a shit - this is your problem and your own fault for having a career that doesn't put you at his beck and call.

Even his parents are embarrassed enough by this to raise it with him and come to see you and do the things that your husband ought to be doing.

Sorry to be harsh, but i can't see what you are getting from this relationship. It's certainly not love and support.

eicosapentaenoic · 30/07/2011 18:04

I'm with you, amicissima, but it's not just a 'job' she does - it's a vocation, extremely challenging and responsible environment, investment in hard work and dedication to get in there like most of us can only imagine, and she has made it. She is pioneering this scenario for women, and needs full support and encouragement to make this happen. And she has a good plan how to make it work, and her bosses are encouraging her. Knowing that, what do you think?

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 18:10

Finally some clarity. DH just phoned very upset has been trying to get MOT done today on his car because it ran out 8 weeks ago.
Got stopped by police with a stern reminder. Wanted to come and see me but didn't want to risk getting stopped again. Didn't want to admit to me that he had forgotten.
God we are rubbish at communicating and having to do it on phone most of the time doesn't help. Maybe he admitted this cock up to FIL which is why they are coming to help in his place.

OP posts:

amicissima · 30/07/2011 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/07/2011 18:16

There are trains in existence. Perhaps he could get on one.

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 18:18

Eicosa - that's exactly how I feel about my work thanks for understanding. I'm now sitting in the park in the sun feeling a bit more sane and happy thanks to you.

Karma - you're right I was setting him a test subconsciously and yes he failed. But I think we'll just have to chat a bit more frankly about our feelings about being parents in person next weekend.

OP posts:

eicosapentaenoic · 30/07/2011 18:31

amicissima: I'm totally with you, first baby is an exciting period of change and readjustment. I just think they both sound on the job and wish them every happiness. This is only a blip, the poor guy's MOT ran out and he's missing her, and look how people dissed him. Loving the in-laws.

LineRunner · 30/07/2011 18:32

He could get on a train now or in the next hour and be with you tonight by 10 or 11pm. Why don't you ask him?

The MOT's going nowhere tomorrow.

RedHotPokers · 30/07/2011 18:33

Totally agree with Karma. Please stop enabling his crapness! He is going to be a parent. You offering to deal with all baby illnesses, or pretending you are feeling fine whilst pg, is only pandering to his childish, selfish behaviour.
Can't help thinking the MOT thing is an excuse.
Sorry to be harsh.

pommedechocolat · 30/07/2011 18:40

Your PILS are lovely. He sounds a bit useless.
You need to stop telling him you'll deal with everything once the baby comes. That's unrealistic and silly on every level.

DontAskMeSums · 30/07/2011 18:42

RHP don't be stupid! Not an excuse.
Not having an MOT for Monday = can't drive car as if there was a crash, insurance may well not pay up. If these people are apart and she is preg he would NEED a car in an emergency.
This is a classic case of people not communicating clearly then getting the hump about what 'ought' to have been mind read.
Plain daft.
Get talking - not guessing OP!

RedHotPokers · 30/07/2011 19:30

Dontaskme - He can't get an MOT done on a sunday. His DW is unwell, lonely and pg. His PARENTS are doing his 'job' for him. There is NO reason he couldn't get a train to see her.
Read the rest of the thread - everything is too much hard work for this man - including his wife talking about her pg related illness, and the thought of looking after his ill child.

DontAskMeSums · 31/07/2011 11:18

She says he was trying to get an MOT done 'today' ie Saturday - not Sunday. He would need to be there to collect it if he needed it for work on Monday. He would be totally irresponsible to neglect to do this and then drive his car without a vaild MOT as the police would have a record of having stopped him and warned him.
Her phrase 'Finally some clarity' sums it up really.

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