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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish that DH would come to see me this weekend

92 replies

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 11:30

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with first baby. For the last year I have been working away from home. It's 2 hours 40 mins drive from home and I commute weekly. Dh has only visited once in a year I do all the toing and froing but I do like to go home so I haven't minded.
I should have been working this weekend but have been unwell for a week with backpain and braxton hicks. Midwives have told me to rest and slow down and my boss has ordered me to rest this weekend. I have agreed as I don't want to go on mat leave for another 9 weeks.
I can't work but am not well enough to drive home so I will be spending the weekend pottering around on my own as I don't have friends here. DH has no real plans for the weekend but has not offered to drive to me. I feel a bit sad that he has chosen his plans of bicycle maintenance, dvds gardening and some work over visiting unwell pregnant wife. I didn't suggest that he came up because it was obviously an option. I have just phoned our home phone in case he was coming to surprise me but no still there!

OP posts:

fluffles · 30/07/2011 13:07

i don't understand how these big 'things' become such a 'big thing'... why is it that earlier on this week you didn't chat about what you'd both do this weekend? and why when you spoke to say you couldn't drive down didn't you say 'so why don't you come here instead'? clearly where the OP is is not 'home'... he's never spent weekends there as a matter of course, so it is a different arrangement... all this 'i'll just stay here...' and waiting for him to say first that he'd come up is weird imo.

ok, so now it's a big thing... but if you were talking openly earlier in the week it wouldn't have been a thing at all (unless he'd refused to travel - in which case he actually is an idiot).

fluffles · 30/07/2011 13:10

i've had a massivly big project finish this week and am totally and utterly zonked... DH said 'i guess you'll just want to chill out so i'll go out on my bike'.. i said 'yes, i do fancy a long lie but it'd be nice to do something later - let's go out to dinner to celebrate'. he said 'great idea'.

job done. everybody happy.

why on EARTH would i sit saying nothing seething that HE hadn't suggested going out to dinner... ???

same with OP. as soon as she said, i feel too crap to drive down and have to rest and not work, why didn't the rest of that sentence go '... so why don't you come up saturday lunchtime and we'll have a chilled out time together?'

SiamoFottuti · 30/07/2011 13:16

job done, him happy. Her not so much, and if you can't understand the difference there isn't any point explaining it.

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 13:17

Just spoke to dh so that he knows that his parents are coming up. Though he would be pissed off with me. But he was pleased that they are visiting and said he thought it was lovely but also that his mum probably wanted to insist that I give up work and come home. He said that his father had phoned him about it before they phoned me and insisted that they visit me. So I suspect FIL tried a subtle passive aggressive approach too.
I was surprised and almost let it go but then thought of you lot. Said I was actually really pleased to have company. He asked if I was disappointed he wasn't coming. I told me honestly and he said that he didn't know and that he thought I was fine and that I was not uunwell any more and so independent I didn't need him. He ended the conversation by saying he was sorry to disappoint me and be a shit husband and sorry that his parents thought he was shit too.

OP posts:

PrincessJenga · 30/07/2011 13:24

If there was a dadsnet do you think there'd be a thread starting 'AIBU to think that if my wife's too ill to come home for the weekend she could at least invite me to stay with her?'

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 13:24

"If he drops dirty socks on the floor is it the wife's job to remind him to pick them up? "

I would say that it's her responsibility to say you know what, that's foul and I really object to you leaving your dirty socks lying about. Why do you think that it's my job to pick them up? I really don't like it because it feels like you think I am your skivvy.

He then knows how she feels and he has a choice. Pick them up or not. She then knows that he knows how she feels and knows what to do based on whether or not he starts picking up his socks!

Chocolatehobnobs - your husband is being a twat. His response to you was awful. Uncaring and manipulative. And coming across like 'punishing' you for being an independent person. He seems to not like the fact that you appear to not need him.

And the whole sorry for being shit and everyone thinks I'm shit... well. Words fail me. here, let's play the world's saddest song on this

I think that was designed to get sympathy, turn it around to oh poor him.

I think some serious, frank conversations are in order if you are to salvage this marriage. If you want to, that is.

BertieBotts · 30/07/2011 13:25

Hmm, I'm not liking the sound of this. He "resents" your independence, he sulks when you tell him he'll be seeing your family, and he's passive aggressive to boot (the "sorry I'm a shit husband" thing is most definitely PA, and questionably, the "I thought you were so independent you didn't need me" could be a subtle dig at your independence, because even if you are independent, presumably you enjoy his company or you wouldn't have married him)

The original issue I could have written off as him not being a very perceptive person and a combination of it being hard to tell tone over the phone/text/internet/however you spoke to him, and perhaps you not being clear enough that you were disappointed at not being able to see him. I don't think this is a male thing, just some people are better at getting hints than others. But in the context of everything else YANBU.

rainbowtoenails · 30/07/2011 13:26

Im intrigued to know how your set up is going to work after the baby comes. Is dh going to be the main carer, is that why he wants to 'enjoy his last bit of freedom' now?

PhilipJFry · 30/07/2011 13:28

"and so independent I didn't need him. He ended the conversation by saying he was sorry to disappoint me and be a shit husband and sorry that his parents thought he was shit too."

Wow, that's intense. Did he sound upset when he said this or passive aggressive?

I don't understand why he's reacted in such a volatile way. Christ, he could just offer to come up and see you rather than wallow like this. I also think it's pretty rubbish that he's been to visit you ONCE in a year while you've gone down every single other time. He just sounds upset that someone's called him out on it.

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 13:29

I couldn't have said anything earlier in the week. I was supposed to be working away this weekend and hoped until yesterday that after 5 days rest I would be well enough to work. The decision was only made yesterday that I actually had a free weekend . I have been well until a week ago and hoping things would settle.
I guess that some men are just emotionally thick I can't believe I am married to one!

OP posts:

Whatmeworry · 30/07/2011 13:31

Oh dear.....we should have a Man Manual with each one :)

Is he an inconsiderate tosser - maybe, but men are not as sensitive as women in general and are crap at guessing what you want them to do. Tell him.

eicosapentaenoic · 30/07/2011 13:31

Nah, she's a high flyer and he's doing OK with it so far. I've got the MIL down for major babysitting duties though.

PrincessJenga · 30/07/2011 13:34

I've just read your last update & changed my mind. Tbh, I still think you should have asked him to come up this weekend (if you are so independent then he may have thought you didn't need/want him there) but, quite frankly, if after that conversation he isn't now in his car, on his way to you, via m&s for some nice food, blockbuster for a movie you can watch together tonight and a florist for some "I'm sorry I'm a dick" flowers, then he really is a Grade A Twunt.

LineRunner · 30/07/2011 13:34

What were your phone conversations like, that as a result he still doesn't understand that he should be with you?

"Hi, it's me, your pregnant wife. I'm too unwell to drive home this weekend."

"I think I'll watch a couple of DVDs, then."

"Oh, ok."

Are things like that?

LineRunner · 30/07/2011 13:36

Sorry just seen your post but still curious about earlier phone conversations.

Memeandme · 30/07/2011 13:37

" sorry to disappoint me and be a shit husband" he sounds like a sulky child

BertieBotts · 30/07/2011 13:38

It's not a man thing, being unable to pick up on even the most basic of emotions, it's a "thing" of someone who thinks the world revolves around them.

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 13:46

Rainbow toenails- I will be moving home permanently in October. Mat leave for a year and then we will have a nanny as we both have full on careers. He earns much more but my career is v important to me. DH has been worried that after the baby is born he will have to drop things if baby ill. I have said that I will be prepared to do this.
He has just been on 2 week long boys holidays which I didn't mind as I was working most of the time and wanted him to enjoy our last child free summer.
Didn't know what to say to the shit husband comment. It was said sadly but also designed to make me feel guilty I think. I have said that I will be fine today alone as I will have company tomorrow.
He also said that he resented my working away and that it has been difficult for our marriage. (I actually have loved the job and we have had quality weekend time together)

OP posts:

DontAskMeSums · 30/07/2011 13:49

I generally agree with The Magnificent... on this one, except I'd go further. As the messiest in my house, I leave socks/knickers etc on my bedroom floor until I want to pick them up. I wouldn't expect him to pick my stuff up either. If DH didn't like it, he knew what I was like when he married me. Cleanest doesn't win.
Also, men are wired differently-fact. Tell him what you need. He doesn't have to do what you want but if it's a bona fide need, then you have grounds to call him on it.
If you want to be married to a mindreader, marry a woman.

imnotforty · 30/07/2011 13:50

I don't understand why he isn't on his way now. he does sound like a selfish arse. ring him back and tell him you want to see him.

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 13:54

Line runner _ yes our convsersation yesterday was a bit like that I said I was in too much pain to drive and needed to rest .I asked him what his plans were , he said dvd, bike , paperwork etc , I said oh. He said maybe you could come on the train ( 4 hours with changes) I said I would have to see how I felt but should rest. Conversation all a bit subdued as I felt sad.
I know its crap communication ...

OP posts:

LineRunner · 30/07/2011 13:56

It sounds like he thinks that the baby is your project; and it sounds like you're enabling him to think like this.

Truckrelented · 30/07/2011 13:59

There is a Dadsnet for whoever mentioned it.

Did he think you said I need a rest, so he's leaving you to have a rest?

What if he'd turned up, and as doesn't know how you feel (but is expected to guess) and you hadn't wanted him to come?

We'd be reading 'I wanted a weekend resting but my DH has turned up'

LineRunner · 30/07/2011 14:01

Truck, he suggested that OP embarked on a four hour train journey.

Original poster

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 14:07

Just had email from DH. He copied me in on an email to say he had written two letters in opposition to a planning application (one from each of us). So not on his way up. And another text now to say car booked in for MOT.
At least the exercise nazi can't see me in bed on mumsnet eating pork pies cheese and chutney. On the downside I now have to clean and polish for lovely in laws coming up!

OP posts:

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