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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wish that DH would come to see me this weekend

92 replies

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 11:30

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with first baby. For the last year I have been working away from home. It's 2 hours 40 mins drive from home and I commute weekly. Dh has only visited once in a year I do all the toing and froing but I do like to go home so I haven't minded.
I should have been working this weekend but have been unwell for a week with backpain and braxton hicks. Midwives have told me to rest and slow down and my boss has ordered me to rest this weekend. I have agreed as I don't want to go on mat leave for another 9 weeks.
I can't work but am not well enough to drive home so I will be spending the weekend pottering around on my own as I don't have friends here. DH has no real plans for the weekend but has not offered to drive to me. I feel a bit sad that he has chosen his plans of bicycle maintenance, dvds gardening and some work over visiting unwell pregnant wife. I didn't suggest that he came up because it was obviously an option. I have just phoned our home phone in case he was coming to surprise me but no still there!

OP posts:
Truckrelented · 30/07/2011 14:15

Fair enough Linerunner.

My ex was very blunt, she would have said get your arse here now.
No chance of not understanding then.

Chocolatehobnobs- he is starting to sound a bit of a twat
If you want to eat pork-pies it's your decision put cream on them if you want and I wouldn't tidy up if the in laws are coming either.

I'm starting to realise what a great husband I was.

eicosapentaenoic · 30/07/2011 14:17

Time to get selfish... leave hoover out, clutch lower back... He's getting on with some useful nesting jobs at home, though. It's you and the babe's health first from now on in, like the sound of your boss. When I think of what I martyred myself to do trailing round supermarkets loaded with baby twins, walking miles in rain with double buggy to collect car from servicer. Just tell him what his jobs are. It's gonna be truly exciting and great, good luck with it all.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 30/07/2011 14:18

Is he usually selfish and inconsiderate?

eicosapentaenoic · 30/07/2011 14:26

See what Truck says... keep instructions simple, with love.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 14:27

So you've now told him how you feel, you've been clear and he now knows that you would like him to be with you...

... and he's not bothered?

I'm really sorry to ask this, but is he committed to this marriage?

My husband has his faults, my god he does Grin, but if I said "I need you", he'd be there. He'd drop anything. Important things. He certainly wouldn't prioritise pottering about over being there for me.

I think you need to ask yourself why your husband isn't there for you.

SiamoFottuti · 30/07/2011 14:27

if you have to give instructions for every single thing in his life, you'er not his wife, you're his mother. And he's a toddler.

PinkSchmoo · 30/07/2011 14:34

Hmmmm, alarm bells ringing.

Sorry if this is offensive but does he want the baby? Sounds like he has no intention of accepting any change to his wee world when it arrives. Ditto your pregnancy sounds like it's all yours and he is making pretty limited efforts to be involved or make concessions for the fact the you are pregnant and not therefore your normal self.

I think you need to up the communications and cut out the passive aggressive behaviours.

PinkSchmoo · 30/07/2011 14:36

Btw YANBU. You have been pretty explicit at this point and he is being thoughtless and selfish.

diddl · 30/07/2011 14:57

If you usually see each other at the weekend & you are too ill to get to him, I cannot for the life of me understand why he wouldn´t just jump in the car to be with you.

When he said sorry for being a shit husband, you should have told him that yes, he should be!

And for those saying why doesn´t OP tell him directly, well if he´s not sure, can´t he ask FFS?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 15:03

Yes.He can. But that is back into should and ought to territory.

It's not about what someone should do, what they ought to do, what is reasonable for them to do.

We know all that! Grin

You have to deal with what they ARE doing. And when they are (or aren't) doing something that you wish they would (or wouldn't!), that is the reality of it. And every should and ought to in the world is meaningless. you have to speak up. You have to say how you feel.

Not saying how you feel, or what you want, because someone should or ought to do, say, think or feel x,y,z and you would prefer to wait for them to do it unasked is foolish and it doesn't address the problem or allow for a solution to be agreed.

Xenia · 30/07/2011 15:07

It's hard to know on line what is going on but he certainly sounds inconsiderate. Make sure when the baby is there that right from the start he does 50/50/ I went back to work after a few weeks full time so we never were in a position where one of us did more than the other with the baby. He may be someone who needs very clear instructions and then leave him to it - eg establish from the start that you stay in bed on Sunday mornings and he takes the baby bout between 9 and 12 on his own adn stuff like that. Put him in 100% charge of washing as you will be doing all the feeding etc etc

Don't clean up after the in laws. If they are coming and are lovely as you say they won't mind and they might even muck in and tidy up and hoover for you.

BertyBurlington · 30/07/2011 15:10

it sounds to me like you are thinking everything is fine and dandy and spending just two days a week together is "quality time", while he is probably not so happy with the arrangement

maybe you havent been as receptive to his needs as he hasnt been to yours

SiamoFottuti · 30/07/2011 15:30

But "dealing with what they are doing" doesn't just mean doing it for him. Its not as simple as saying well of course he should, but if he doesn't, you have to do it.
Because you don't actually get what you wanted anyway. My guess is that OP didn't just want him to come, she wanted him to want to come, to offer. Its not the same thing when you have to ask. If your birthday or anniversary is coming up, if you have to remind him and ask him to get you a present, its not the same thing as him remembering and picking somehting for you is it?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 15:49

If by 'do it for him', you mean tell him how you feel, then I would have to disagree. I think we all, always, have the responsibility to say how we feel and to not play games, or be PA or sulk or remain silent on the grounds that someone should do what we want them to do without our asking them to.

You deal with a situation as it is, not as you think it ought to be. If someone is making you unhappy - you tell them. If someone isn't doing something that you would like them to do- you tell them. Not tell them to do it - tell them how you feel, what you would like, what you hoped for. They then choose, don't they? do they want to or not.

It isn't actually about getting what you want. You're right. You don't always get what you want. It's not about getting your own way or ordering someone to do something. It is about clearly communicating your feelings, your thoughts, your hopes. The other person then decides what they want to do with that information. They know how you feel, they know what you would like. It's then up to them. They have all the information and they choose what they are going to do. You then choose what you are going to do, based on their response.

See, I was never suggesting that she tell him to come to her, or that she buy him a train ticket or otherwise make him attend. I was saying that she should tell him how she feels and what she would like. It's then his choice, isn't it?

He made it, didn't he? He chose, after being told clearly how she felt and what she would have liked, to stay put. I think he has now been very clear also. Sad

DontAskMeSums · 30/07/2011 16:01

OMG you'd let him choose your birthday presents - with no hints, prompts or internet pages casually left 'open'. Shock

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 16:24

At the risk of sounding paranoid Grin are you asking me?

If so, then yes. no hints or prompts. I tell him what sort of things I like. He decides what he's getting.

I find hinting to be ineffective and likely to create disappointment and resentment if the person dared to not pick up on the hint.

nah. say what you want, say how you feel.

Simple. Straightforward and no room for misunderstanding.

Doesn't mean you'll always get what you want. But they always know how you feel.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 16:25

oh. no. you're not talking to me. Blush Grin

bananamam · 30/07/2011 16:27

I guess because I am married to a woman I see things utterly differently!...do men not have intuition? I don't need to tell my partner a lot, as she knows me, my moods, my tones, as I know hers. I could not be bothered having a relationship where I had to spell things out all the time.

It's not about mind reading and being blunt. It's picking up on signals like "I'm sick and can't come home" that should prompt a train of thought and consideration for your loved one. Why is it not automatic to want to care for your pregnant wife? And be there?

He is inconsiderate, I am well aware he doesn't represent all men. I am grateful that my partner can read ahead for me as I can for her though!

eicosapentaenoic · 30/07/2011 16:30

2 full days/week quality time together is very good going these days, isn't it? can't see room for complaint there.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 16:31

And that's great. But supposing she didn't pick up on your feelings. supposing there was something bothering you that she didn't pick up on. Didn't behave how you would like. React how you would like

would you a) say nothing because if she loved you she'd know or b) say how you feel.

See, to me, saying nothing makes no sense. I am truly baffled by people who would choose to say nothing on the grounds that someone 'ought' to know/do/say/feel.

Point is, if they don't - you need to speak!

It's not whether they should. It's that they haven't. When that's the situation, all the shoulds in the world won't make a blind bit of difference.

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 16:32

Yes he made his choice and has carried on pottering at home , sticking to his planned weekend acivities. Somewhere I think he thinks that I have brought this on myself by working hard and accepting a job away for a year.
Maybe he thinks I'm selfish, he hates the fact that my job involves weekends and nights but he knew that I loved my job when we started dating.

We planned this pregnancy together. Initially when we found out he behaved like he was having a midlife crisis. I could not talk about morning sickness or tiredness as he said I was stopping him feeling happy and excited about the baby. He has actually been really happy about the baby for the last 3 months as I have been well and active. So maybe that's why I have had to play down my pain this week a little to him. But he did see me in tears unable to move last weekend and he knows I spent a day in an antenatal assessment ward on monday and I have said that I am still uncomfortable with braxton hicks and too uncomfortable to drive so he does know I've been unwell but has chosen not to support me.

OP posts:
TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 16:34

Well, he's made his choice and now you need to think about yours.

Are you going to talk about this, tell him how let down you feel. Are you going to suggest that the two of you talk about your expectations and about the state of your marriage?

I think he has shown something nasty today. He has shown that he is not there for you. I think that's something you need to talk about.

chocolatehobnobs · 30/07/2011 16:42

Difficult one. I just want to feel happy and loved and I'm in a bit of an emotional state of mind. I don't want to ramp up this situation more than necessary.
Next weekend is his family party which has been planned a long time ago and I don't want to spoil someone else's celebration with an atmosphere between us. Stewing is not that helpful either.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 30/07/2011 16:51

Choc, sounds to me like he communicates through sulking.

"I could not talk about morning sickness or tiredness as he said I was stopping him feeling happy and excited about the baby"

"atmosphere ... stewing ..."

If you can't talk to him honestly, then you need to think this through quite clinically. What do you want and need? In or out? Why did you pick him?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 16:53

ok, that's a reasonable thing to want.

How do you feel you can achieve feeling happy and loved? Do you believe that if you do nothing, things will change and you will begin to feel happy and loved?