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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this is abuse

102 replies

aeder · 29/07/2011 21:58

I've spent a lot of time at my mum and her boyfriends house this week and I've heard him call my brother a little scrote,douchebag,idiot,prick,pillock. He also threated to smash his wii and cut his signed football in half. He has also banned him from seeing his school friends for a month and actually banned him from speaking at the dinner table last night.
I spoke to my mum about it today when he wasn't around and said she said he was just a disciplinarian and I was overreacting and that it would do him good in the long run.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 30/07/2011 01:01

2 adults behaving like utter shits. Angry

Could you offer him somewhere to stay? Even if it's for the holidays.

fishtankneedscleaning · 30/07/2011 01:02

OP This is abuse. If that man is treating your brother in this way in company, can you begin to imagine what might be going on behind closed doors?

If your father is reluctant to intervene then make SS your next stop.

TheFrogs · 30/07/2011 01:10

What will you do op if your dad isn't interested? You cant leave your brother in that situation. Why do you feel you arent capable of being his guardian? (just questions, not aggressive).

Ripeberry · 30/07/2011 01:21

Sounds like the new boyfriend is trying to assert his 'authority' by being nasty.
How do you know he is not like that to your mum behind closed doors?
She will deny everything of course, as she is denying what is happening to her son. Sad

whatsallthehullaballoo · 30/07/2011 07:48

YES IT IS ABUSE!! I went through similar with my brothers by my step-dad. They love to exert power by humiliation. Please confront the boyfriend and ask you db if he is happy or if he wants help.

Please do not leave things as they are. I have no contact with any of my family (my mother defended my step-dad throughout) but he may be stuck with them for some time yet and he will be destroyed!

mummytime · 30/07/2011 08:11

If you DB told any of this to a teacher at school, they would have to refer it to the child protection officer, so yes this is abuse.
At least your brother is getting away for a bit, and you have told your father. You now need to think about what you will do next.

You sound like a great big sister.

babybarrister · 30/07/2011 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fastweb · 30/07/2011 08:44

He could theoretically live with me but I'm not sure my mum would let him or whether I'd be capable of being his guardian.

At 14 his wishes get taken into account. With (possibly only threatened) SS involvement I think your mum, who appears to prioritize her relationship over her child, will probably back off from trying to stop him going.

It is a big step. It may cost you your relationship with your mum.

I took in my brother when he was 16 and I was 18 (different situation, my mum did not oppose it, she did not cause it, well, not to the extent your mum is). It can be very hard work, especially when you don't have that much experience and your sibling doesn't regard you as having much authority over them. So any help going should be grabbed with both hands.

You can get a half an hour consult with a solicitor for free in the UK I've heard. Might be worth doing that so you are on solid ground as far as the legals go before you make a move.

Would your borther want to move in with you given the choice ?

Mitmoo · 30/07/2011 08:47

It is not discipline and it sounds as if your mother knows that as she didn't bring you up that way. I think you'll have to have another word with your mother or a chat with your brother to see how badly this is affecting him.

Your mother is out of order for letting him carry on, once and he should have been told two three four times and he's out the door.

Megatron · 30/07/2011 08:51

Of course it's abuse. Call your dad, tell your mum that you are taking steps to ensure this abuse stops and get that poor kid away from the hell he must be living in. I'm sure your dad would move if his son needed him, or take him to live in Portugal with him. This is your brothers life and it needs to be fixed.

vividgingerchilli · 30/07/2011 08:53

aeder....if this was happening to your brother at school would you be happy with it or would you say he was being bullied?
If the latter then if it's happening at his home then it's abuse.
What does your brother have to say about it?
Could he stay with you?

lifechanger · 30/07/2011 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerHissyness · 30/07/2011 09:44

I agree with you contacting your dad, you need to discuss all options with dad, Portugal is a good place to be, or if not something your dad thinks he could do, perhaps he could help YOU take your brother in, if that's what he wants.

whatever happens, your brother can't stay in that environment.

I'd be talking to DB to find out what he wanted, then I would be telling my mother that if she doesn't get rid of this abusive dick head that I'd be getting DB out and to safety. If she chose a dick over her own flesh and blood, she would then be dead to me. No excuse.

MorelliOrRanger · 30/07/2011 11:42

Your poor brother.

I'm so glad he is going to stay with his dad for a while. Also good that you have emailed your dad to tell him. Maybe he can discuss it with his son while he's there.

This behaviour makes me so sad.

Mitmoo · 30/07/2011 11:47

OP I think it might be helpful to give this thread to your Mum, she needs a serious wake up call.

missmalteser · 30/07/2011 11:52

This thread is so sad, my mother had these sort of relationships with numerous men my whole life, I can honestly say i hate her for what she put us through by standing back and doing nothing while we were neglected and emotionally abused, she will never meet my dd's and I am only glad my younger siblings were spared this pain by going to live with their father, I dont think I could've held my tongue while watching that op, I really hope you act fast for your brothers sake.

popele · 30/07/2011 12:00

Its undoubtedly abuse, Do you think your mother may be being abused also OP? He might be prepared to do it to your brother in front of others with your mum backing him up but in private he maybe abusive to her as well. It seems strange if this sort of behaviour is alien to her as it would appear it is then this is very possible.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 30/07/2011 12:03

Your poor brother!

Your mums boyfriend sounds like a bully and a fucking idiot if he thinks that is the way to raise a child well. I am assuming he doesn't have his own children.

You mum sounds like a weak and pathetic woman.

Sorry to be harsh!

applepies · 30/07/2011 13:39

any news from your dad?

garlicbutter · 30/07/2011 14:11

OK. Well done, you, for recognising what's going on and that it's wrong. It sounds like your father might not be a reliable alternative for your brother, long-term, the poor kid must feel like nobody reckons he's worth caring about.

My suggestion, given that you have tried with both your parents, is to have a long chat with DB - maybe have him to stay for a weekend? Make absolutely sure he knows that it's wrong and how he should be treated. Awareness will help to protect him from long-term effects of this bullying, though far from completely.

Maybe offer him the chance to come and live with you, if this is something you would seriously undertake - however, don't make life-changing sacrifices (in case of future resentment.) You're only young yourself.

After talking with your brother, I'd suggest he films or records the abuse at home. He'll have to be a bit secret squirrel about it; most 14-year-olds would relish that! Then get him to send you a copy. When he's back at school, advise him to play his recordings to his counsellor or teachers. Hopefully, they will see how wrong it all is and begin an intervention. I think your mum's more likely to listen to an education professional than her daughter.

One concerned adult can make a huge difference to a bullied child. Please do keep on being there for him.

bredes · 30/07/2011 18:02

Can't believe you've even asked this question its obvious verbal and emotional abuse, the question is what are you going to do about it. Its good that you've told your dad and that he's going away for a couple of weeks, the boyfriends needs to cut it out now and you need to get tough with both him and your mum. If it doesn't stop then you need to report it to the relevant authorities.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/07/2011 18:14

If this was my brother, I'd tell my mum that I am taking him home with me and if she doesn't allow it, I will be calling SS. I think it is absolutely disgusting to not defend your own child and allow another adult to treat them like this. Your brother is a child who is looking to his mum to protect and care for him. Given that is not doing so, then you have to step in and do it. He needs you.

People like her make me sick.

jeckadeck · 30/07/2011 18:39

YANBU and this is definitely abuse. Agree that you need to have words with your mum about this.

bakeyouhappy · 30/07/2011 20:58

Discipline comes from disciple. Teaching by living.

Agent- Don't go at the mom for fear of her choosing bf? Where are the ethics? A child is being abused. The mom absolutely needs an ultimatum.

OP- You may be your brother's only chance. Fight for him!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/07/2011 21:25

OP... Is your mum so scare of losing her 'man' that she will let him treat your brother (her son) in this way? It's an awful situation for you but I think that if there is no alternative to your brother living there, a report needs to go in to the authorities and the police to get this abusive, bullying moron removed for good.

Your mother is really pathetic... the thug doesn't have blood ties to your brother but she's his MOTHER.... Wow. :(

I hope your dad comes through for your brother, OP. Please update.