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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this is abuse

102 replies

aeder · 29/07/2011 21:58

I've spent a lot of time at my mum and her boyfriends house this week and I've heard him call my brother a little scrote,douchebag,idiot,prick,pillock. He also threated to smash his wii and cut his signed football in half. He has also banned him from seeing his school friends for a month and actually banned him from speaking at the dinner table last night.
I spoke to my mum about it today when he wasn't around and said she said he was just a disciplinarian and I was overreacting and that it would do him good in the long run.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 29/07/2011 22:13

I would really bring it home to your mum, and just be tough with her

thursday · 29/07/2011 22:13

he's not helping. he's being a twat. makes me very sad to hear of women sitting back and letting a new bloke come into their childs life and treat them like shit in their own home. how is the boyfriend with your mum? is she scared of him? does he treat her like shit too? i cant understand why she would allow this unless she's frightened or plain selfish.

hester · 29/07/2011 22:14

Oh, and yes it is abuse.

nolidio · 29/07/2011 22:14

This reminds me of my "stepdad", he used to be cruel to me and my brother, constantly degrading and belittling us. It needs to stop now before it does serious damage to your brother

cjbartlett · 29/07/2011 22:14

Op - what are you going to do?

LittleSarah · 29/07/2011 22:15

Oh jeez that sounds awful. Not discipline but nasty abusive behaviour. Your poor brother. I know teenagers can be pretty difficult (dreading it myself) but calling names like that? That is never acceptable.

pigletmania · 29/07/2011 22:16

After my dad died when I was 11 I kept telling my mum to get a boyfriend, she did not want to as she did not want a situation like the op, its only after I grew up and moved out that she began a non serious relationship. Why some women do not put their kids first I do not know.

jenniec79 · 29/07/2011 22:16

What age gap between you and DB?

If anyone had treated my DB like that at 14 he'd have been packing a bag and coming home with me. (5.5 year gap)

StewieGriffinsMom · 29/07/2011 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
aeder · 29/07/2011 22:17

I don't know what to do. My brother is going to stay with our dad in Portugal for a couple of weeks on Sunday

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 29/07/2011 22:18

I was wondering whether the mum was not wanting to rock the boat as well miranda Sad

But if she's struggling with the lad (which is possible given his age) maybe she genuinely thinks she is doing him a favour?

Horrible for the OPs brother to be stuck in such an environment, isolated from his school friends, not talking at the dinner table (Shock victorian control or what??).

This makes me disagree with cj advising the OP to get tough, I'd be very cautious taking any action until she can approach it without causing a rift, if she falls out with the mum/DP her brother will be totally on his own at a time when he needs her the most.

hester · 29/07/2011 22:18

Have you told your dad? Is it worth discussing with him? Any other relatives that could help - a grandparent?

This must be hard for you, but it cannot be allowed to continue.

pigletmania · 29/07/2011 22:18

That is good aeder you really need to be having words with your mum about it. And try and have him over as much as you can.

lookingfoxy · 29/07/2011 22:18

I've been a step parent and although me and dss have never really bonded (could have bloody throttled him half the time) despite having lived together for years, there is NO WAY on this earth I would ever speak to him like this. I always tried to be encouraging/positive/kind etc etc.

If I was you, I would take your brother in if possible, or tell your mother in no uncertain terms that this is abuse and you will be contacting the relevant authorities.

Zondra · 29/07/2011 22:19

I'm also aghast that your mother thinks that her partner calling her son a "prick" is somehow disciplining him & giving him a valuable life lesson. Wtf?
Language such as that should NEVER be used to a child. This man sounds like an underclass scumbag.

LittleSarah · 29/07/2011 22:19

And I agree with other posters who are amazed that some people allow new partners to come into their kids lives and treat them cruelly. I know with my husband (not dd's father) I was very tense when he first started to parent her and at times I would overreact because it just didn't feel right when he told her off. Nothing mean or harsh just the basic don't do that, don't be cheeky type of thing. But I knew he loved dd and she him and it was mainly the old maternal instincts! We are a very close family now and so it is more natural but still I sometimes feel a little funny about it, even when I know, I know, that I have been far harsher than he ever would.

Protect your child woman!

AgentZigzag · 29/07/2011 22:21

Lots of posters saying the OP should go steaming in with her mum.

What's the odds of her mum telling her to mind her own business? If she's choosing her DP over her son, surely she's more likely to show loyalty to her DP and stop contact with her daughter.

It's such a risk.

PeterSpanswick · 29/07/2011 22:21

This makes really uncomfortable reading. You can't leave your brother in this situation and your mother must be able to see what is happening - the question is why she is prepared to ignore it. Is she afraid of her partner herself or just desperate to keep him? Either way she needs to put her child first and get that man as far away from them both as possible!

BetsyBoop · 29/07/2011 22:22

Definitely abusive IMHO

I would show your mum the NSPCC definition of emotional abuse:-

"Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is the persistent emotional maltreatment of a child such as to cause severe and persistent adverse effects on the child?s emotional development. It may involve conveying to children that they are worthless or unloved, inadequate, or valued only insofar as they meet the needs of another person. It may include not giving the child opportunities to express their views, deliberately silencing them or ?making fun? of what they say or how they communicate. It may feature age or developmentally inappropriate expectations being imposed on children. These may include interactions that are beyond the child?s developmental capability, as well as overprotection and limitation of exploration and learning, or preventing the child participating in normal social interaction. It may involve seeing or hearing the ill-treatment of another. It may involve serious bullying (including cyberbullying), causing children frequently to feel frightened or in danger, or the exploitation or corruption of children. Some level of emotional abuse is involved in all types of maltreatment of a child, though it may occur alone."

"Signs of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse can be difficult to measure, as there are often no outward physical signs. There may be a developmental delay due to a failure to thrive and grow, although this will usually only be evident if the child puts on weight in other circumstances, for example when hospitalised or away from their parents? care. Even so, children who appear well-cared for may nevertheless be emotionally abused by being taunted, put down or belittled. They may receive little or no love, affection or attention from their parents or carers. Emotional abuse can also take the form of children not being allowed to mix or play with other children.

Changes in behaviour which can indicate emotional abuse include:
neurotic behaviour e.g. sulking, hair twisting, rocking
being unable to play
fear of making mistakes
sudden speech disorders
self-harm
fear of parent being approached regarding their behaviour
developmental delay in terms of emotional progress"

ikoto · 29/07/2011 22:25

Its definately abuse and sickening, does your dad know about it?
I would be threatening them with ss if I were you

SnapesPlaything · 29/07/2011 22:32

Is it possible for you to take your DB in OP?

Morloth · 29/07/2011 22:33

Call your Dad.

Kid is 14 if he decides he wants to live with his Dad then I assume there isn't much your mum could do about it.

oila · 29/07/2011 22:35

I think you need to intervene asap, this is horrific and very abusive. Could he live with you or his dad?

Original poster
aeder · 29/07/2011 22:36

Morloth- My dad lives in Portugal so going and living with him isn't really feasible

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 29/07/2011 22:39

this is not discipline this is abuse and will destroy what little confidence he may have

i woudl talk to your mum again and be upfront and talk to you dad, let your mum know this is what you are doing. you can not make your mum chuck him out but you can certainly let her know that it is not acceptable and you are informing everyone of what he is like